How long should you wait until you move in together?

  • EricPrado

    Posts: 206

    Jun 18, 2011 12:13 PM GMT
    So I've been seeing this guy (a little older then me, he's 26) and now that we have been dating for a whole year he's been dropping hints that he wants me to move in with him. I've had roommates my whole life but i've never actually lived with a boyfriend before except maybe when i stayed over for weekends lol.

    So I have to ask, whats an appropriate amount of time one must date before you know it's right to move in together? We see each other practically almost everyday and yeah, when I don't see him I do miss him. It's just a big step (at least for me) and I don't want it to somehow ruin things. I always hear relationships can go downhill once you make things "serious" like getting married, moving in together etc.


    How were your experiences? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 18, 2011 12:23 PM GMT
    I don't think it's a time thing just making sure you are O.K with everything like mutual goals habits, financial responability etc. If you are moving forward in life with this person you need to make sure your eyes are both pointed in the same direction.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jun 18, 2011 1:03 PM GMT
    I don't think there's a time set in stone. It obviously varies. If you're not comfortable with idea, it's probably too soon.
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    Jun 18, 2011 2:04 PM GMT
    Once you move in with some one, things that may have been peripheral beforehand like financial responsibility, cleanliness, idiosyncrasies, etc., become more central and possibly problematic. Its typically something that's discussed quite a bit before actually coming to the decision. Talk to him about it and see where it ends up.
  • Gloryboys

    Posts: 28

    Jun 18, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    I would agree with what most of the guys on here have responded with, but in my case we moved in after 5 weeks crazy I know but hey it worked for us, 13 years together this August so go figure. Basically think about it discuss it by all means but if it's right then it's right and will work. Good luck to you both which ever way you decide to go.
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    Jun 18, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    We moved in together after a couple weeks, lol! That was 22 years ago.
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    Jun 18, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    About 30 years. Cynical, moi?

    You only live once, so give it a try. Just maintain your own financial and property rights, just in case things do no work out.
  • Ryvick1212

    Posts: 29

    Jun 18, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    If you want, you could move in partially, like live there full time for a week or two, so you can start to see if there are any problems that might come up that you haven't forseen
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    Jun 18, 2011 4:33 PM GMT
    Ryvick1212 saidIf you want, you could move in partially, like live there full time for a week or two, so you can start to see if there are any problems that might come up that you haven't forseen


    I think a good option. Spend a couple of week exclusively at his place, see how he lives, what he's like every morning, every night. What does he do that you don't like. Just get to know him well before giving up your current arrangement. Also location is important, does it mean changing your routine to and from work/school/where ever? Will it restrict your access/time with friends?

    Try it and be very open with him about what you're doing, how it's going and as long as you can communicate with each other openly, you'll work out the best solution for the two of you.
  • tgrissom0312

    Posts: 91

    Jun 18, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    I'm a big fan of 2 locations. Just sleep at each other's houses for a while, keep a drawer but have a place to retreat to when you need space.

    Also, I don't believe that solid, life-long relationships can be found with anyone under the age of 25. I look at my college friends who got married right out of college, stayed together for a few years and then divorced. Only to meet someone new, get married later in life and really find out how much more meaningful and steady this new relationship is compared to the first.

    I also look at myself today, i'm 28, and compare myself to when I was 22-24. As solid as I felt when I was just 4-6 years younger, I know that I am a very different person.

    Don't be scared to get close but keep in mind that both of you will probably change significantly over the next few years.

    Just my opinion
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    Jun 18, 2011 7:00 PM GMT
    I think a year is an appropriate amount of time. If you're not ready now, when are you going to be ready? two years? five years?

    You're just anxious because it is something new and different. Moving in won't ruin the relationship, it will just change it. A relationship is like a shark, it has to move forward or it will die.
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    Jun 18, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    That U-haul should have been packed on the second date.
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    Jun 18, 2011 7:05 PM GMT
    I moved into my boyfriend's basement just a few days after I met him. It was working out great! Except he didn't know he was my boyfriend. I don't think he knew who I was at all, judging from his reaction when he went downstairs and freaked out like what the fuck who the fuck are you what the fuuuck get out!!!!

    I still have a lock of his hair though. It's just you and me now, lock of hair.
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    Jun 18, 2011 7:09 PM GMT
    We waited 11 years, until we could get my house remodeled so it was big enough for both of us. We saw each other pretty much every day though. He would stay with me Tues and Thurs, I would go to his place Sat and Sun. It worked out OK, and we ae still together after 34 years, but no need to wait so long for everyone. Why not try a trial period, live at each other's place for a week or so?
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    Jun 18, 2011 7:57 PM GMT
    EricPrado saidHow were your experiences? icon_biggrin.gif

    Ah... now there are some stories in my jaded life.

    I dated this guy for nearly a year, and he asked me to move in with him. I was thrilled, my first partner I thought! Now a proviso was that I was much older when I came out, 51 at this point. He was 40.

    So I moved into his house. And he gave me a separate bedroom, for appearances sake, because his parents lived just a mile away, and others also dropped in, the front door in this rural town rarely locked.

    I was so happy! Living with another guy, a real doll, a movie & TV actor, my dream of a gay life come true. My head was spinning, I can't tell you how wonderful I felt. OMG, I had gone to Heaven.

    But then he said to me: "We're not partners or boyfriends, you know. I'm still gonna be seeing other guys." Huh? My heart broke.

    I lived there for almost a year more, until one day he got physically violent with me, because I wouldn't give him sex on demand, when I wasn't in the mood one day. He smashed my coffee cup, and grabbed me by the shoulders and violently shook me. (He.was taller and much stronger than me, impossible for me to challenge him physically, once he had grabbed me)

    I defiantly looked him in the eye and used my Army Command Voice (the only thing I had left at that point), and ordered him to release me, which he did (I had bruises on my arms from his grip afterwards). Within a day I had made other housing arrangements. I moved out in less than 3 weeks.

    Does anyone here think I would allow that situation to happen to ME? I would never tolerate such a thing.

    My stupidity was in not seeing this coming sooner. But once it happened I corrected it immediately.

    So be forewarned, that there are risks involved. But I've also had 2 partners (the first who died of AIDS) that I moved-in with at around 1 year each of knowing them. And those were very happy relationships.

    My current partner & I are at 4 years, and everyone tells us we are the happiest gay couple they know --- no shit! Guys here from RJ have met us both, and I'll let them make their own comments.

    So for me, a year has always been a good span before you make it more permanent, and move in. For younger guys like you both, I dunno, since you're still growing & learning.

    Yet there are RJ guys here, whom I've met in person, who paired in their 20s and are still together over 40 years later. And just last night we went to a gay choral concert, and the President of the chorus and his partner of 40+ years were introduced. Isn't that wonderful?

    So anything is possible. Use good judgment, And yes, you can find your mate for life after a "whole year" if you really want him, and he wants you. Only you two can know that.
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    Jun 18, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    3 minutes after shooting loads?
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jun 19, 2011 1:01 AM GMT
    You can move in together when you can't bear sleeping in separate beds. The key to making it work is in finding another place to live. If he's moving into your space, or you're moving into his space, it will get all fucked up and you'll break up. The shared space has to be a place that is new to both of you. Trust me.
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    Jun 19, 2011 1:02 AM GMT
    YEARS!
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    Jun 19, 2011 4:33 PM GMT
    Its really about what you're comfortable with, but just know that its a new variable to your relationship that you may not be ready for yet.

    Me and my ex bought house within a year of being together, now we're broken up and decided how the hell we're going to split all of our property.

    For me personally, I wouldn't move in with anyone until we'd at least been together for about 4 years. Sounds rash yes, but I've been burned lol.