So...I think I may have a problem.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2011 7:09 AM GMT
    First off I would like to start this thread off by saying that I'm not a fake nor a griefer/troll (or whatever) - I know how people get about brand new profiles w/o pics around here when they start posting off the wall things.
    I am a member of this site with another account and created this one because I wanted to get insight into my 'problem' without having to really deal with any heckling.

    So...here's the thing. I'm finding that I something of a masochist.
    I just recently exited a relationship that might have been considered abusive.
    My ex boyfriend was the type that wanted to know where I was at all times, controlled who I talked to online (but didn't restrict all forms of communications) and expected me to cook any clean for him. He would demand sex any time he wanted it and would sometimes use physical force to make me engage in sexual acts if I wasn't in the mood. He would often times choose what activities I engaged in and referred to himself as my boss. He would request that I'd do things like massage his feet and back when he got in from work and run his bath water/ showers.
    I broke up with my ex because of the reactions I received when explaining to my friends and family the dynamic of our relationship; which were all borderline horrified.
    All is well right? Not so much. I miss being with my ex.
    I thought at the time that I was unhappy but I'm realizing more and more that maybe I was only feeling that way because I thought I was supposed to.
    ???
    Also, I discovering that I am attracted to men of larger stature than myself for reasons along the same lines. I am becoming more attracted to brawny, 'beefy' men - and when I see such men my mind instantly goes to thoughts of how well this type of man could restrain me or how much stronger physically this guy must be compared to myself.
    And when I see scenes now in movies of mild abuse - such as one partner physically restraining another from leaving a room or otherwise doing as they please - I am intrigued and sometimes sexually excited.

    So I'm seeing this as a problem and the reason I posted this all online (and in several different places) is because I would like some feedback.

    Would it be so terrible for me to purposely engage in such relationships in the future? Is it okay that I like this type of treatment or am I mentally sick somehow? Should I seek help or is it okay to be satisfied in a relationship that is mildly abusive?

    (Extra info: Prior to my last relationship with this guy I had never been in another relationship like it. I had always been with guys that were what some would label 'users' but not really to such an extent as this. Also in this very last relationship I was never physically injuried or was there ever any threat of real harm being done to myself or my ex.)
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    Jun 21, 2011 1:01 PM GMT
    Hmm interesting... well in the sexual play there is always a level of physical and verbal "fighting for dominance" really which is meant to be arousing and exciting.... but the question is.. does it get that dangerous to the point where the physical hurt can be exaggerated (beyond the pain in the butt obviously)... if you think the latter in this case, you may just want to get counseling.. if not, you wouldnt need to worry about it
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    Jun 21, 2011 1:22 PM GMT
    Holy_Alt_Batman said Would it be so terrible for me to purposely engage in such relationships in the future?

    If you do then what's the difference between the relationship that you just had? You mind as well go back to your ex that was abusive. (I'm being sarcastic btw)

    Holy_Alt_Batman saidIs it okay that I like this type of treatment or am I mentally sick somehow? Should I seek help or is it okay to be satisfied in a relationship that is mildly abusive?


    Probably not. But I dunno for sure. You should talk it through with a relationship counselor or a psychologist to determine that. From what I read there isn't enough information for me to make a call. Most people though, after ending a relationship, go through a period where they are "beside themselves" and don't really feel like themselves. This takes some time to heal but eventually things will get better. I wish you the best... icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 21, 2011 2:00 PM GMT
    As someone being trained as a psychologist.... I do see a few problems with what's going on.

    Being into some masochistic fantasy in the bedroom isnt so much the problem... as long as its not taken to the extreme and as long as you arent "needing" it all the time to achieve true sexual satisfaction. So in what you described, the sex fantasy isnt such a big deal.... BUT...

    The problem is that you will put up with people controlling you and basically treating you like shit. It's also NEVER okay for someome to force themselves on you sexually. It sounds like in the moment you didn't want to do it... and that's all there is to it. He should not be forcing himself upon you.... period.

    To be blunt, it sounds like there are a lot of attachment and self-worth issues that need to be examined. That you are willing to be abused in a relationship, in order to keep the attachement, suggests that something isn't right. Are you "sick," no. But there are some issues that could be resolved before you have a healthy relationship where you are treated like an equal, not like a subservient or lesser person.
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:40 PM GMT
    Greenhopper said but the question is.. does it get that dangerous to the point where the physical hurt can be exaggerated


    Things have only gotten extremely physical one time. I wasn't caused harm but I was pretty scared at the time.

    ZbmwM5 said
    The problem is that you will put up with people controlling you and basically treating you like shit. It's also NEVER okay for someome to force themselves on you sexually. It sounds like in the moment you didn't want to do it... and that's all there is to it. He should not be forcing himself upon you.... period.

    You are correct - at the time I wasn't at all wanting to have sex but later on thinking back on the incident got me really excited. To be forced or abused isn't something that I need to become sexually excited but lately it's been doing the trick.

    ZbmwM5 saidTo be blunt, it sounds like there are a lot of attachment and self-worth issues that need to be examined. That you are willing to be abused in a relationship, in order to keep the attachement, suggests that something isn't right. Are you "sick," no. But there are some issues that could be resolved before you have a healthy relationship where you are treated like an equal, not like a subservient or lesser person.


    At the core of things I think there are some issues of self-worth that need to be addressed. As 'Cityaznguy' said earlier in the thread sometimes people are just beside themselves after a relationship but I don't think this is the case. I think this past relationship was an event that triggered an epiphany - I perhaps don't want to be an equal?
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:43 PM GMT
    you should do whatever makes you happy. As long as he wants what you got, and he's got what you want.. it works dude. if you like to be restrained, that's your thing.
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:49 PM GMT
    i think it's about a lack of respect for yourself, if you respect yourself you'll almost have to demand a reasonable amount of respect from a date.
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    Jun 23, 2011 1:43 AM GMT
    SexyN3rd saidyou should do whatever makes you happy. As long as he wants what you got, and he's got what you want.. it works dude. if you like to be restrained, that's your thing.


    Sorry but this is an overly-simplified explanation.

    Sort of like saying, "well go and sleep with all the guys you want if it makes you happy.".... ehhhh.... not so fast. We need to be aware of what we are doing and why. There are many things that we do that we defensively say, 'well it makes me happy' or we make excuses for our behaviors when really there is something more serious underlying what we are doing. I don't think that should be discounted.

    You mentioned "things becoming extremely physical" once.... well that's once too many. This is a zero tolerance thing....
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jun 23, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    If you're doing something that you don't want to do, then it's not an equal relationship. What's he doing to please you that he doesn't like? It's abuse babe. Move on and get your self esteem on!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2011 3:11 AM GMT
    My comments in RED.

    Holy_Alt_Batman saidFirst off I would like to start this thread off by saying that I'm not a fake nor a griefer/troll (or whatever) - I know how people get about brand new profiles w/o pics around here when they start posting off the wall things. So, here you go and do it anyway. haha!
    I am a member of this site with another account and created this one because I wanted to get insight into my 'problem' without having to really deal with any heckling.

    So...here's the thing. I'm finding that I something of a masochist.
    I just recently exited a relationship that might have been considered abusive.
    My ex boyfriend was the type that wanted to know where I was at all times, controlled who I talked to online (but didn't restrict all forms of communications) and expected me to cook any clean for him. He would demand sex any time he wanted it and would sometimes use physical force to make me engage in sexual acts if I wasn't in the mood.
    This sounds like the definition of "rape".
    He would often times choose what activities I engaged in and referred to himself as my boss. He would request that I'd do things like massage his feet and back when he got in from work and run his bath water/ showers.
    I broke up with my ex because of the reactions I received when explaining to my friends and family the dynamic of our relationship; which were all borderline horrified.
    All is well right? Not so much. I miss being with my ex. Visit http://www.coda.org/
    I thought at the time that I was unhappy but I'm realizing more and more that maybe I was only feeling that way because I thought I was supposed to.
    ???
    Also, I discovering that I am attracted to men of larger stature than myself for reasons along the same lines. I am becoming more attracted to brawny, 'beefy' men - and when I see such men my mind instantly goes to thoughts of how well this type of man could restrain me or how much stronger physically this guy must be compared to myself.
    And when I see scenes now in movies of mild abuse - such as one partner physically restraining another from leaving a room or otherwise doing as they please - I am intrigued and sometimes sexually excited.

    So I'm seeing this as a problem and the reason I posted this all online (and in several different places) is because I would like some feedback. Visit http://www.coda.org/

    Would it be so terrible for me to purposely engage in such relationships in the future? It's your life. Is it okay that I like this type of treatment or am I mentally sick somehow? It's your life. Should I seek help or is it okay to be satisfied in a relationship that is mildly abusive? It's your life. It can't hurt to get a professional "second opinion".

    (Extra info: Prior to my last relationship with this guy I had never been in another relationship like it. I had always been with guys that were what some would label 'users' but not really to such an extent as this. Also in this very last relationship I was never physically injuried or was there ever any threat of real harm being done to myself or my ex.) Visit http://www.coda.org/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    Talk to a therapist please.
  • ineedausernam...

    Posts: 118

    Jun 23, 2011 6:56 PM GMT
    I agree, you should talk to a licensed therapist. Could it be that you were in the abusive relationship for so long that you've been conditioned to believe that it's what you wanted? That you stayed in the relationship so long because you somehow wanted things to be the way they were?
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Jun 23, 2011 7:09 PM GMT
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder


    I don't know if you're either of the above, but one thing is absolute. Abuse is not sadomasochism.

    What you endured was abuse.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abuse
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jun 24, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    What yo described is by no means a healthy relationship! He gets physicaly forceful to make you have sex? Sounds like borderline if you full-out rape! Relationships are about give and take, and not being forced into being someones slave. NEVER GO BACK! THIS IS NOT HEALTHY AND MAY GET EVEN WORSE! I honestly recomend you seek therapy to see why you feel like going back to this relationship. Some that are abused learn to unknowingly look for it as a sign of attention.