Older men, younger guys...I need you to confirm this

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    Jun 22, 2011 1:30 AM GMT
    This does not make a good 7 hour drive back home and end of my vacation. But I need to VENT!

    For many years now I have dated men who were older than me. At first it seemed to work in my favor when I was less independent. They had a car, I didn't...I lived with parents so if we wanted to mess around they could take me back to their place.

    But now, seems like the reality of it is kicking in. The thing I'm beginning to notice especially with the 40s crowd that enjoys 'being young' and partying and dating younger guys is that I am finding they seem to see me as a disposable commodity. It's like they have this take you or leave you attitude and frankly it's got me feeling it's time to leave em alone.

    For example, I mentioned the story about dinner last night with the guy in his 40s. Our 1st disagreement since we met last November. And now I sense he's giving me the kiss off. The dreaded "take it easy and have a nice life" vibe.

    Another guy in his 40s couple months ago. He got upset because I got upset that he stood me up on Saturday night and I bought it to his attention. We went out several times prior to that. That 1 disagreement, and it was over. Never heard from again.

    Another guy before that, in his 40s. In the 4 or 5 months I knew him we only met 3 times. 2 of those times were because we bumped into each other at the club. I bought this to his attention, he couldn't handle it and I never heard from him again.

    Another guy I was dating for several months in his 40s. We had 1 argument and he didn't even TRY to win me back when I told him his actions was totally inappropriate. And he knew they were. And then we broke up.

    It's like, what the hell? Why is it that these guys are not 'fighting' to keep us in contact. Now, I don't mean that dating should be about fighting because that borders immaturity, but I mean fight as in...they have no inclination to try to work things out. They hate being bought on the spot. You do 1 thing that they don't like (like bring up the fact they are being mischievous) and it's over. They're done.

    Why is it like that? Why dey do dat?
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    Jun 22, 2011 1:33 AM GMT
    i think this is how guy's are in general and maybe because you like 40 year olds they all happened to be in their 40s.
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    Jun 22, 2011 1:42 AM GMT
    rosco87 saidi think this is how guy's are in general and maybe because you like 40 year olds they all happened to be in their 40s.


    I think it's so silly behavior. It's like they expect things to go on perfectly and don't dare bring up the fact their actions are silly.

    I mean, I look at myself in each of the situations as well...but it's like I can't disagree with anything they do or else it's done.

    It's like damn, if you're this juvenile at 40, how much more juvenile were you at my age? Or have you had like 10 relationships already and each time a disagreement comes up you can't handle it?
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    Jun 22, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    I get the feeling it has nothing to do with their age. It would probably be even worse with younger guys. I also get the feeling it has everything to do with your approach. You can't go telling people what they're doing wrong without them feeling resentment. It makes them feel judged. It's important to use "I feel...." statements. And you didn't frame any of your disappointments like that when you relayed them here, so I'm guessing you didn't say it any better in person.
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    Jun 22, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    I had a similar situation with my previous bf (he's in his 20's). He couldn't handle it after 1 argument.

    I think you might have just had a string of bad luck and this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with men in their 40's as someone pointed out.

    I also have this theory that when something goes wrong, they know they can just jump on the computer and find another bf. I mean there's plenty of fish right?
  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jun 22, 2011 4:13 AM GMT
    Gay men are notorious for being self-absorbed, selfish and view guys as disposable as if there were an unlimited supply and someone "better" will come along tomorrow and the day after... most never learned relationship skills and many never will.
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    Jun 22, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    I think age isnt the factor as much as idividual differences and a person's capacity to tolerate and manage conflict in their relationship - since managing conflict is a two way street, it's advantageous for both parties to always keep in mind what they could have done better in a particular interaction and own it openly.

    I was in a 18+ yr relationship and I always tried to practice this skill granted not perfectly but tried nevertheless and I always left room to repair things that werent handled so well by revisiting the issue later.

    I see a lot of gay men in my private practice and I hear similar complaints about the issues the OP presented. Hopefully, you will find 40somethings who can consider what you bring up to them - if the pattern persists, I might suggest looking inward and ascertaining what your role might be in this. Sometimes, we do something subtle that escapes our attention that facilitates the very reactions we dont want.

    Good luck
  • spinker

    Posts: 34

    Jun 22, 2011 4:32 AM GMT
    i'm in my 40s and i prefer my age group but the 40somethings i've encountered just want sex.. i'd love to meet a guy my age that actually wanted a relationship.
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    Jun 22, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenver said But I need to VENT!



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    Jun 22, 2011 6:16 AM GMT
    OMG you are only 23. I would feel like a pervert if I was to date someone so young. Still a boy not yet a man. Shame on them for using and abusing you in such a way.

    It does make one ponder now how when a young man I have worked with since he was 18, and now he is around your age, made a move on me not so long ago, and I just walked away laughing at the thought.
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    Jun 22, 2011 6:24 AM GMT
    It may be a gross generalization, but older guys who are into younger guys generally aren't looking for something serious. At the very least the older guys don't usually see the younger guy as an equal.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Jun 22, 2011 6:56 AM GMT
    40's they are all having a mid life crisis!
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Jun 22, 2011 7:02 AM GMT
    BodrumBoy said40's they are all having a mid life crisis!


    No no. 40 is almost dead in gay years, so the midlife crisis would occur at around age 20. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:25 AM GMT
    You'e coming over as a bit clingy and needy, I'm not surprised 40somethings are dropping you like hot potatoes.

    One thing you need to know about older men is this: they don't do drama. They have got themselves established in a career, they have plenty of money and friends and they don't need to spend time and energy over whining, moaning 20somethings.
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:33 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidF4FID, I've read a lot of your posts and I'm gonna throw it out there that my overall impression is that you come of kind of negative, sour, and emotionally needy. I don't think it's your intention, though....I just wonder if these guys are misreading your actions and choosing to let their relationships with you fade away.

    To put it abruptly: if every room you go in has an asshole in it, and the people change in every room, and your friends tell you this doesn't happen to them, and intellectually you know there aren't THAT many assholes in the world....then statistically you have to consider the possibility that YOU are the asshole. icon_biggrin.gif

    And I don't say any of that to get in your face AT ALL --I actually find your angst kinda cute and wish I could just give you a big (brotherly) cyberhug from time to time. I say it the way I'd tell a friend his fly is down...or he's got b.o. icon_lol.gif

    So maybe soften your approach a bit. I look at what all my breeder friends have to do to entice women to sleep them as an extreme example that "you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar." You obviously like guys in their 40s, it will be a lot easier to change yourself then change all (or any) of them.

    Best wishes to you, man.


    I have had a grand total of one interaction with you on this forum, more specifically on the topic concerning minority/ majority attitudes, and in all honesty you came across a bit overbearing and stubbornly opinionated. An attitude like that takes a strong person to appreciate, and frankly these guys you are with/ have been with may just not be able to withstand and grow from your personality. Now, I am not saying that cyber behavior mirrors real life attitude, but it seems that that may indeed be the case in this matter. Keep on dating, you will find somebody that complements you, i wouldn't give the letdowns further thought, neither should you change your attitude because of them
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:40 AM GMT
    redheadguy saidYou'e coming over as a bit clingy and needy, I'm not surprised 40somethings are dropping you like hot potatoes.

    One thing you need to know about older men is this: they don't do drama. They have got themselves established in a career, they have plenty of money and friends and they don't need to spend time and energy over whining, moaning 20somethings.


    Well, in this guy's case I found it hard to believe since he exclaimed he was "broke" in the middle of an Italian restaurant which royally embarrassed me. Yes he does have a career as a teacher and I respect him for that but that's not the case.

    And that's the thing. They don't do drama. How so? So you telling me they are happy to have a guy come see them, while in the meantime they are sneaking around their S/O or X boyfriend, while taking up 2 hours of my life telling about their X boyfriend DRAMA of 10 years, and then 1 day out the blue pull some sneaky shit like I mentioned above...and it's only drama when I say, "so what's going on, I thought we were doing XYZ?"

    No, it's called I'm not going to be a doormat or pushover. I'm not going to be available when it's convenient for you...be available for me too. Work thru a disagreement and watch our love grow stronger. It doesn't even need to be work, but at least make your actions make sense by communicating about it instead of doing shit and then leaving me to wonder. But they don't wanna do that. The 1st sign of conflict is grounds for dismissal.
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:42 AM GMT
    Interesting . Seeing this from the other side of the fence I agreed totally . Available 40 yo's are impossibly self absorbed and unavailable for even anything i would call dating.
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:44 AM GMT
    redheadguy saidYou'e coming over as a bit clingy and needy, I'm not surprised 40somethings are dropping you like hot potatoes.

    One thing you need to know about older men is this: they don't do drama. They have got themselves established in a career, they have plenty of money and friends and they don't need to spend time and energy over whining, moaning 20somethings.


    Not that one is suggesting the OP is a queen. But...... lord forbid there are those old queens who never stop whining no matter how old they be, and they just get even more bitter with age too. But there was also truth in your words. because I may have issues with a 20 something pulling me up. But then if I am in the wrong I am also man enough to stand corrected too. But one out burst may not be the end of it all either? Not sure as I have never ever been in that situation.
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    Jun 22, 2011 7:54 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidF4FID, I've read a lot of your posts and I'm gonna throw it out there that my overall impression is that you come of kind of negative, sour, and emotionally needy. I don't think it's your intention, though....I just wonder if these guys are misreading your actions and choosing to let their relationships with you fade away.

    So maybe soften your approach a bit. I look at what all my breeder friends have to do to entice women to sleep them as an extreme example that "you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar." You obviously like guys in their 40s, it will be a lot easier to change yourself then change all (or any) of them.

    Best wishes to you, man.


    To recap, what I put on the forums isn't exactly what I say in person. Writing on the forums involves your mind, but I am good at holding back my tongue a bit in person. I try to think about what I say to a person as to not offend them. On the forums, you are seeing raw footage...I try not to exhibit that in person LOL.

    However, like I said I do look at myself. I do 'tend' to jump to conclusions in some scenarios...but when a guy is doing all sorts of weird sneaky shit how can you blame me?

    For example: I come down from out of town. I can't stay at the 40 year old's guy house EVER. We've met 6 or 7 times already, why not? Why do I have to get a hotel everytime I come down? It makes me think he is either married or homeless. But when you are doing weird shit it fucks with people's mind and worse case scenario comes to play. That makes me suspicious and then I have to question it and they assume that I'm assuming.

    Another example: the Saturday night set up which lead to our break up. Why did you have you friend bring my bag down and you told me you were at his house all the while giving me directions to his place and I get there you not there?

    That's shady shit and I'm going to get aggravated and question it. And if you can't handle it, then obviously you're being grimy.
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    Jun 22, 2011 8:20 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidF4FID, I've read a lot of your posts and I'm gonna throw it out there that my overall impression is that you come of kind of negative, sour, and emotionally needy. I don't think it's your intention, though....I just wonder if these guys are misreading your actions and choosing to let their relationships with you fade away.

    To put it abruptly: if every room you go in has an asshole in it, and the people change in every room, and your friends tell you this doesn't happen to them, and intellectually you know there aren't THAT many assholes in the world....then statistically you have to consider the possibility that YOU are the asshole. icon_biggrin.gif

    And I don't say any of that to get in your face AT ALL --I actually find your angst kinda cute and wish I could just give you a big (brotherly) cyberhug from time to time. I say it the way I'd tell a friend his fly is down...or he's got b.o. icon_lol.gif

    So maybe soften your approach a bit. I look at what all my breeder friends have to do to entice women to sleep them as an extreme example that "you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar." You obviously like guys in their 40s, it will be a lot easier to change yourself then change all (or any) of them.

    Best wishes to you, man.


    Same impression.
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    Jun 22, 2011 8:32 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    To put it abruptly: if every room you go in has an asshole in it, and the people change in every room, and your friends tell you this doesn't happen to them, and intellectually you know there aren't THAT many assholes in the world....then statistically you have to consider the possibility that YOU are the asshole.


    Lostboy said
    Same impression.


    But here's the catch 22: Everyone has a bit of asshole in them. The key is admitting it, accepting it, and then not getting anti-social with someone when they say, "you're being an asshole"

    If a guy tells me I'm being bad...I accept it. I try to change for the better if it's in my power. It doesn't mean I avoid them because of being put on the spot.

    Now, turn the tables...if I call them out, suddenly it's taboo that a guy negative twice their senior doesn't like their behavior. So because I'm younger I'm supposed to just sit back and deal with this crap? Because you think guys my age aren't reliable so you just gonna do me any kind of way?

    I find younger guys my age different. They can accept a certain amount of adjusting, and some actually get better. But older guys? They seem set in their ways. You can't tell them SHIT. The moment you catch on to the fact they are fucking up they want to break it off. But what they don't know is I considered breaking it off before they did the 1st time they fucked up. I take them back only for them to fuck up.....................AGAIN!
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    Jun 22, 2011 9:30 AM GMT
    Matey take little notice of the bitchers here, they are becoming old and bitter.
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    Jun 22, 2011 9:52 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidInteresting . Seeing this from the other side of the fence I agreed totally . Available 40 yo's are impossibly self absorbed and unavailable for even anything i would call dating.


    I would agree.

    But, I do not see any difference in age when it comes to directness and honesty. The extreme majority of gay men I have encounter cannot handle it, and it does not have anything to do with being harsh.
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    Jun 22, 2011 10:19 AM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenverNo, it's called I'm not going to be a doormat or pushover. I'm not going to be available when it's convenient for you...be available for me too.


    It's good that you're bringing these issues to their attention. Changing how you act will not make these guys stay either. It will only hinder YOU and you will probably find yourself in a relationship with a guy who is simply taking advantage of your youth. And if your attitude IS something you wanna change then it'll happen when you're ready. No book or post is gonna do that for you.

    But those who generally search do find and you will find a guy out there who is open to hearing what you have to say if they offend you in some way.
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    Jun 22, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    You say you are frustrated due to a repeating pattern here...?

    Stop doing the same thing expecting different results.