Congressman Confesses to Masturbating "Regularly"


Washington, DC (AP) - A US Congressman has become the first openly onanist politician. In a surprise announcement on Capitol Hill, Congress Representative Paul Collins Broun, Jr., a Republican representing Georgia's 10th district, told assembled reporters that he masturbated "regularly" and had been doing so since turning thirteen.
Broun said that the time had come to "get out of the closet."

Reading from a prepared statement, Broun said: "I am tired of hiding and pretending to be someone I'm not. The people of Georgia have a right to know whom they elected to Congress. There is nothing evil about masturbating and I am proud to be a masturbator. I did not philander or womanize while my wife was pregnant. I am not an adulterer, nor do frequent brothels. I stay at home and jack off."

The announcement was greeted with a mixture of subdued hooting and uneasy laughter from the members of the press.

Broun refused to reveal why he had made the confession, and asked reporters to take his confession as face value. "Everybody does it. I'm the only one with the guts to talk about it."

But the speculation is already underway. Veteran political commentator Nick Radovanovic, speaking on the phone from Chicago, predicted that the real reason for the confession was likely to be made public in the near future. "The obvious conclusion is that a blackmailer or someone got hold of a video with Broun in the act, and this is a pre-emptive move to neutralize that. It will be interesting to see how this plays out."

When asked which magazines or websites he preferred, Representative Broun declined to reveal details. "I think it would be inappropriate to go into that level of detail."

Broun ended the press conference abruptly when asked by a reporter if he had masturbated in his office in the House of Representatives.

Representative Broun, who is a doctor of medicine licensed to practice in the State of Georgia, has in the past called on a ban on pornography in the Armed Forces.

Calls to the Republican National Committee's press secretary were not immediately returned. Dr Broun's wife was not available to speak to the media, according to an unidentified family member who answered the phone in the Broun residence.


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