Flaky Dude

  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Jun 25, 2011 11:52 PM GMT
    So I met this guy at a conference about a month ago...we hit it off extremely well. Cute guy. He says I'm cute. He lives an hour away so I didn't have any realistic expectations of seeing him again. But, he insists that he's going to visit me, so of course I tell him sure, I'd be happy to see him.

    First week: almost every day, he sends me texts saying he's so looking forward to driving down to visit me this weekend. (and of course, I reply saying that I'm looking forward to his visit.) Saturday comes around; he tells me he's too tired from work but says he'll visit me next week, for sure.

    Week two: Same thing -- we text each other, he sends me texts almost every day saying he's going to come down to visit me. Saturday comes around; I talk to him on the phone; he tells me he's so tired from running errands for work, and wishes that I could drive up there instead, but said that he'd see if he'd reenergize and call me to let me know either way. No call. icon_sad.gif The next morning, he sends me a text saying he fell asleep after talking to me and is extremely sorry and feels like a "s--- head" (his words) and asks me to give him another chance to come visit me. I figure I might as well, since I'm here whether or visits or not.

    Week three: He still texts me saying things like "thinking of you" and "missing you," though at least this time he doesn't say that he's going to visit me. Saturday rolls around and I get the strangest text: "I really want to see you this weekend but I don't want to flake on you again." - WTF. I decided that wasn't worth replying to.

    Week four: He texts me saying he had dental work done and didn't feel too good over the weekend, but says he has a bunch of days off starting Thursday and wants to visit me and take me out to dinner and stuff. I obviously don't believe that (but played along) and of course, he doesn't even contact me on Thursday. Then Friday he texts me saying he wants to see me this weekend.

    Do I even bother anymore by this point? The answer is pretty obviously no, but how do I "stop bothering"? Tell him to stop flaking? Or that I don't realistically expect to see him? Or would it be best to just stop responding to his text messages? I'm thinking next time he says something like that I may just be blunt and say something like "I'll believe it when I see it."

    What strikes me as odd about this...is he's the one who initiated the "I'm going to come and visit you!!!" deal and made such a big deal about it, and then he's the one who keeps on flaking. I didn't offer to visit him instead, because since he insisted he would come and see me, I figured I'd hold him to that, the first time anyway. (If he actually did end up visitng me, and we started something, then of course it would be fair to take turns.)

    So anyway, what the heck could he possibly be thinking? Do people like this intentionally string people along, or do they just crave attention and not really care?
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    Jun 26, 2011 12:08 AM GMT



    Drop him, he's obviously flaker than dandruff and not all that into... Find someone else that'd be more into, and who will be willing to see you.
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    Jun 26, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    I'd tell him that the next time he wants to see me he should txt me once he's on the road down. And also tell him, that IF I don't have plans, then I'll meet you. If I already did have plans, he should turn around.

    This way, you don't block off your precious time for him. That way, you can still enjoy whatever it is you usually do. Basically, you'll see him when you've got nothing better to do.
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    Jun 26, 2011 1:35 AM GMT
    btdt
    Married with kids...move on.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jun 26, 2011 1:35 AM GMT
    buddy, do not take it personal. he is a douche but not all guys are like that.
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    Jun 26, 2011 1:52 AM GMT
    listen, remove his number from your contact list and forget him.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jun 26, 2011 2:01 AM GMT
    I would tell him he's a sad littloe bitch with too much time on his hands.
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    Jun 26, 2011 2:15 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidbtdt
    Married with kids...move on.
    ^that
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Jun 26, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    Yes.....There are guys that will string you along for the attention....It's his ego booster...If I were you I would just stop responding to his texts...I'm bettin within a week or two....he'll move on......in the meanwhile....Make connections with others because you deserve better than the bullshit he's been feeding ya.....BUD
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    Jun 26, 2011 2:52 AM GMT

    sdguy05 said
    Do I even bother anymore by this point? The answer is pretty obviously no, but how do I "stop bothering"? Tell him to stop flaking? Or that I don't realistically expect to see him? Or would it be best to just stop responding to his text messages? I'm thinking next time he says something like that I may just be blunt and say something like "I'll believe it when I see it."


    He's reeeaaalll sexy isn't he? And you reeaallyy like him. Because this above sounds like me jonesing for ice cream cake so I know, he's gotta be fucking sick wit it hot if you're sounding like this. How long would I wait for ice cream cake? I'd wait longer than four weeks.
    ......................................................................................................................
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    Jun 26, 2011 4:08 AM GMT
    Wow, people can be really judgemental around here. God bforbid that anyone gets the benefit of the doubt.

    Look, this guy sounds a bit flaky, sure. But maybe you need to understand the reasons why. Maybe he's scared or uncomfortable with himself. Or maybe he has hesitation about getting into a somewhat long-distance relationship. I think this guy has a mental barrier that he needs to get over. Many guys talk up a storm about wanting to meet someone, etc., then when it actually get to the time, then the nerves get to them.

    Some relationships take time, especially when there's distance. Why not volunteer to drive up there to where he is?

    If you really like this guy, then be patient. Some people need that, plain and simple.

    What more do you know about him? Is his job really that stressful? what other things does he have going on?
  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Jun 26, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    Thanks all for your replies icon_smile.gif A lot of really insightful comments.

    nerdjock76 -- That's a great idea. That way, in case there's a small chance that we might see each other, I'm not cutting him off completely (and as I don't really have anything invested in this, there's no need to) & he won't be wasting my time.

    dustin_K_tx, paulflexes - Ha! I can almost guarantee that he is not married with or without kids. You bring up a good point though -- that there is a possibility that he could be attached.

    dragondevil, tuffguyndc, Pistons, cookingitsweet, mybud - thanks icon_smile.gif

    IronCasanova - LOL! On both counts, yes and yes. If he wasn't so hot I probably would have stopped after the first time flaked, maybe second. That reminds me, one of my friends told me that maybe he's so flaky because he's hot & knows he can get away with it.

  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Jun 26, 2011 5:01 AM GMT
    EastCoastNAZ saidWow, people can be really judgemental around here. God bforbid that anyone gets the benefit of the doubt.

    Look, this guy sounds a bit flaky, sure. But maybe you need to understand the reasons why. Maybe he's scared or uncomfortable with himself. Or maybe he has hesitation about getting into a somewhat long-distance relationship. I think this guy has a mental barrier that he needs to get over. Many guys talk up a storm about wanting to meet someone, etc., then when it actually get to the time, then the nerves get to them.

    Some relationships take time, especially when there's distance. Why not volunteer to drive up there to where he is?

    If you really like this guy, then be patient. Some people need that, plain and simple.

    What more do you know about him? Is his job really that stressful? what other things does he have going on?


    Thanks for the very thoughtful response. icon_smile.gif

    You are right that there could be more behind it. If he's nervous then I'll give him all the time that he needs (it's not like I have anyone 'in queue'), but I'm not willing to wait if he's just stringing me. I wonder how many times you can give someone the benefit of the doubt, though. In my experience, most of the time, once is more than enough.

    The reason I don't volunteer to drive up there after he flaked on me is because he's made a big deal about how he's going to come to see me (& that was part of the attraction, that he'd do that for me) that I feel necessary to hold him to that the first time. There's just something awkward about reversing it. Also, if I offer to go up there and he keeps on saying no or not replying, I'm going to really feel like I've been dicked around. Not to mention, given how flaky he's been he might not even be around when I do get up there.

    His work schedule is 4 x 10 instead of 5 x 8 and apparently he has to run errands for work on the weekend also. So being tired from work seems like a good enough excuse...but a good excuse is not good if it's used every week. He says he's off now through the end of next week because his boss is on vacation, so I might as well give him at least until then to see how many other excuses he can come up with.

    Other things I know about him: he's kind of a loner. He's not particularly into the "gay scene," whatever that is (& neither am I.) He apparently moved to LA a few years ago to try to get into acting...didn't work, moved back. He has a sister who's bipolar. He hangs out with his mom a lot. (Quite a few of the text messages he's sent, he's doing something with his mom.)
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    Jun 26, 2011 5:22 AM GMT
    You could just text him and tell that while you have the time, he doesn't, and to get in touch when he does. icon_wink.gif

    Really, I think someone with a little more determination is more down your alley, don't you think?

    -Doug
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    Jun 26, 2011 8:18 AM GMT
    sdguy05 said
    EastCoastNAZ saidWow, people can be really judgemental around here. God bforbid that anyone gets the benefit of the doubt.

    Look, this guy sounds a bit flaky, sure. But maybe you need to understand the reasons why. Maybe he's scared or uncomfortable with himself. Or maybe he has hesitation about getting into a somewhat long-distance relationship. I think this guy has a mental barrier that he needs to get over. Many guys talk up a storm about wanting to meet someone, etc., then when it actually get to the time, then the nerves get to them.

    Some relationships take time, especially when there's distance. Why not volunteer to drive up there to where he is?

    If you really like this guy, then be patient. Some people need that, plain and simple.

    What more do you know about him? Is his job really that stressful? what other things does he have going on?


    Thanks for the very thoughtful response. icon_smile.gif

    You are right that there could be more behind it. If he's nervous then I'll give him all the time that he needs (it's not like I have anyone 'in queue'), but I'm not willing to wait if he's just stringing me. I wonder how many times you can give someone the benefit of the doubt, though. In my experience, most of the time, once is more than enough.

    The reason I don't volunteer to drive up there after he flaked on me is because he's made a big deal about how he's going to come to see me (& that was part of the attraction, that he'd do that for me) that I feel necessary to hold him to that the first time. There's just something awkward about reversing it. Also, if I offer to go up there and he keeps on saying no or not replying, I'm going to really feel like I've been dicked around. Not to mention, given how flaky he's been he might not even be around when I do get up there.

    His work schedule is 4 x 10 instead of 5 x 8 and apparently he has to run errands for work on the weekend also. So being tired from work seems like a good enough excuse...but a good excuse is not good if it's used every week. He says he's off now through the end of next week because his boss is on vacation, so I might as well give him at least until then to see how many other excuses he can come up with.

    Other things I know about him: he's kind of a loner. He's not particularly into the "gay scene," whatever that is (& neither am I.) He apparently moved to LA a few years ago to try to get into acting...didn't work, moved back. He has a sister who's bipolar. He hangs out with his mom a lot. (Quite a few of the text messages he's sent, he's doing something with his mom.)


    Great insight to this guy. I think your last two paragraphs sums up alot. It's almost guaranteed that he's has very limited experiences with other men, if any. So, maybe he just needs some time to be "broken in", if you will. If his sister is bipolar, it's very possible that he may have some level of depression or major insecurities, as sometimes mental illness at some level runs in the family.

    Maybe your best option at this point is to be very blunt with him. Tell him you really like him, but feel like he's intentionally avoiding the promised meeting. See how he responds, and it might actually prompt him to push himself to make it happen. Seriously, instincts says he's scared of taking the next step. Not just with you, with anyone. He's very comfortable in his environment, and around his family. You will likely be doing him a huge favor by pushing him out of his comfort zone.

    Good luck.
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    Jun 26, 2011 9:59 AM GMT
    Hate to say it but he's not worth it... Trust me, I talk from experience.

    I met two guys who were as flaky as can be last year.

    Guy 1: At first, we hit it off. Of course we did meet online but he lived in a city next to me so I figured, why not? Let's give it a chance. We both hit it off very well. We got to know each other and we had similar tastes and just had a great time getting to know each other. He even said that he would come to the city I lived in and hang out with me and go on a date and all that sort of stuff. I left it to him and every other day, he kept texting me saying "Miss you" and "Thinking of you" and "I wish you were here..." and all sorts of the like. It was sweet really... But then one day, he told me he had to go to a funeral for his Grandmother. I told him to send my condelensces and that I was sorry for his lost... But he never spoke to me after that. I even sent a message to him asking if he was alright but he never responded... I don't put off that he lied about his Grandma passing.. (I mean, things like that happen...) But another part of me realized I was just being strung along for the ride. He never contacted me ever again and yeah, I just don't know.

    Guy 2: Same scenario as the 1st guy only this guy claimed he was a "model" which I believed because well, I won't lie, he was very attractive and people in the modelling business love attractive people. Like the 1st guy, we had a lot in common and he actually lived in the same city as me. But... Every time I asked if he wanted to meet up and hang, he'd always have some reason not to... And then when I asked for his phone number so we could talk voice to voice, he claimed "he lost his phone in a plumbing incident". But the part that really got me was when he told me he was taking a trip to model in Europe. He didn't contact me for about 2 weeks until he finally responded to a message I sent him. I was asking how the modelling job was going and he quickly turned the subject to that he won his competition but his prize money check wouldn't bounce for 2 months. He then asked me 1500$. I told him I didn't have that kind of money and suggested he should either wait for his check or possibly take out a loan. Since then, I never heard from him...

    So um yeah, I don't know this guy you're talking too but something tells me he is just stringing you along. Flaky guys aren't worth the time in my opinion. The decision is up to you though in the end. I wish you luck...
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jun 26, 2011 10:13 AM GMT
    Text him and tell him you are coming to visit and then don't show up icon_razz.gif
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    Jun 26, 2011 10:44 AM GMT
    Id pretty much agree with EastCoastNAZ said but add I think the guys still way in the closet. Id also say don't be too hard on him. He may be embarrassed to have you see his sister,mother, where he lives. Call him and not be threatening to him, ask if he's in the closet. He could end up being at least a great friend. Can a guy have too many friends? I don't know how much time you're willing to invest in the guy. Being he's less than an hour away I would drive up there on his day off and call or text him saying im at the pizza place and want to talk to you. For me getting someone to talk face to face is the best but alot of guys seem to want to hide behind their phone and text or....just flake out on you. It sounds like you've been very patient with him already but If you like him, I don't think a little effort on your part is out of line.
  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Jun 29, 2011 11:59 PM GMT
    meninlove - I think you're right.

    Kaicoyote - Ouch! icon_mad.gif Guy 1 in particular sounds like this one. Although no dead grandma, not yet anyway...

    Joeyphx444 - LOL, that's tempting...

    scottjock6 - That's true, he does seem more like he's making excuses because he's 'unsure' rather than 'playing'. I wonder if it would be worth it to suggest meeting halfway, at least.
  • sdguy05

    Posts: 13

    Jun 30, 2011 12:20 AM GMT
    EastCoastNAZ said
    Great insight to this guy. I think your last two paragraphs sums up alot. It's almost guaranteed that he's has very limited experiences with other men, if any. So, maybe he just needs some time to be "broken in", if you will. If his sister is bipolar, it's very possible that he may have some level of depression or major insecurities, as sometimes mental illness at some level runs in the family.

    Maybe your best option at this point is to be very blunt with him. Tell him you really like him, but feel like he's intentionally avoiding the promised meeting. See how he responds, and it might actually prompt him to push himself to make it happen. Seriously, instincts says he's scared of taking the next step. Not just with you, with anyone. He's very comfortable in his environment, and around his family. You will likely be doing him a huge favor by pushing him out of his comfort zone.

    Good luck.


    Thanks again for your reply! I agree & finally told him that while it would be nice to see him...I have to wonder if he's really ready to see me again, and if not, I'll respect that but won't forget him & maybe we'll see each other at the conference next year. (By the way...he's 24 and I'm 28...which is a little unusual for me since usually I go the other way. Maybe this experience reminds me why, although I'm sure that not every younger person is this flaky!)

    He responded, with a really long message saying:
    * He's sorry for texting me so much & insists that playing games is not his style
    * He thinks about me every day
    * He didn't reply this weekend because his mom took him and his sister on a surprise vacation to disneyland (seems a little out there, although if true it could explain that flakiness is hereditary, as there's a very thin line between that & spontaneity)
    * His car has been acting up (Now this one is just too vague & easy to make me fall for it...being flaky for four weeks and now it's because of his car?)

    I guess I won't expect things to happen anytime soon, if at all, & I'll keep on being patient with him & let him know that he doesn't need to feel obligated to say that wants to see me every week. I think you're right about the nerves getting to him; most of his excuses have sounded more like a bad case of nerves rather than intentionally playing with me. Not that that totally excuses it, but at least I'm reasonably certain he isn't being malicious. I won't keep on updating this with further drama...but if we actually meet I'll post icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 30, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    San Diego, this guy is just wasting your time. His behavior in such a disrespectful way, especially at the beginning, will only get worse. Flakes never seem to get better. Just consider this his LOSS.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jun 30, 2011 12:34 AM GMT
    Personally I think you have gone above and beyond your call of duty.

    Sure, one can argue certain relationsjips take time to develop but you also have to ask yourself the question: can YOU afford to waste the time he is obviously wasting for you?

    There are plenty other sane guy out there, so unless you have a knack for going after cases then why bother with this particular one(s)? Does the plus points REALLY outweights the quirk?

    Move on.
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    Jun 30, 2011 12:39 AM GMT
    The vast majority of gay guys I've known have been flakes. No, not ALL. But the majority. If I meet a gay guy who isn't a flake, I take it as a breath of fresh air.
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    Jun 30, 2011 12:43 AM GMT
    miamimasseur saidThe vast majority of gay guys I've known have been flakes. No, not ALL. But the majority. If I meet a gay guy who isn't a flake, I take it as a breath of fresh air.


    Thats quite true