What should I do about my relationship? Opinions anyone?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 27, 2011 5:48 PM GMT
    Hi everyone, this is my first post to this website. I am in need of an opinion from anyone who's interested. I apologize for the length but I wanted to make sure I got the whole situation clearly stated:

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nine months. At the beginning we were instantly attracted to each other and hit it off. As the months wore on, and things calmed down, I started seeing myself become insecure about some things in the relationship. Now I'm at the point where I don't know if there's merit to my insecurity or if it's all in my head.

    He is 40 and I am 30. He has had MUCH more experience with the dating/gay scene than I have. He's dated many guys while I have only dated two: my former partner with whom I was together for three years, and now him. The age thing doesn't seem to bother him, and it didn't used to bother me either, but I feel different now. We have tons in common: profession, hobbies, interests, etc.

    Our upbringings were very different. He did not have a nurturing family growing up at all, while I did. Because of this, he became independent at an earlier age than I. My family is still very important to me and I am close with them. He doesn't have this type of relationship with his family, so his friends play a more important role in his life because they are all he has.

    He has tons of gay friends. I can count on one hand the amount of gay friends I have, the best one being my ex. We parted amicably and still keep in touch. My current boyfriend goes to clubs with his friends every once and awhile. I've never been invited to go. I'm not really the club type but I've been curious to see the the club that he occasionally frequents with his friends about once a month. When I suggested that he take me sometime, he told me that he doesn't like taking guys he's dating to the clubs. I didn't press on.

    When we're together, I usually enjoy myself, although sometimes I wish that he would treat me more like a boyfriend because he doesn't really say all those magical things that he said at the beginning of the relationship. He's not as affectionate as I'd like him to be. We see each other usually on the weekends, and sometimes during the week. He calls me every night and seems to be okay with things. What I've noticed, however, is that he's not really receptive to talking about the relationship. Every time I'd like to talk about us, I can't get up the courage to say anything because I'm afraid that I'll say something wrong.

    My insecurity has gotten the better of me and now there's a voice inside me saying "you're too young and inexperienced for him". And yet, I have very strong feelings for him and love him very much. I can picture a future for us where we move into our own place and share a life together.

    Sometimes I want to ask him, "Why are you dating me?" because I feel like I'm out of his league. I know that I shouldn't compare my life to his, but I've been feeling inadequate. He has never said anything disparaging to me to make me feel this way, but every time he talks about gay friend A or gay friend B or "this guy I dated", I find that in my head I get all insecure because I think of my own life and how my path was so different from his.

    So I don't know what to do about things. I want to be with him but can't go on with these insecurities inside. I know we need to talk but I don't know what to say. Is there hope for us? icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 27, 2011 7:18 PM GMT
    All the discussion regarding your upbringing and his means nothing. What matters is how you communicate with each other. If you have needs that require some sort of fulfillment in your relationship (and vice-versa), you need to ensure that the channel for dialogue is open.

    You will always have different experiences than him,.. different upbringings etc. That means nothing. I'm the only gay son in a family of 3 siblings.. though we were all raised together, my experiences are much different than those of my hetero siblings.

    Recognizing that, he isn't a mind reader. Express your concerns to him, and recognize what your boundaries and needs are. Are you getting what you want and need? If you go for it, and still find that you aren't.. then at that point, you may wish to re-assess things.

    Never settle, but always communicate.

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    Jun 27, 2011 7:31 PM GMT
    I hate when people try to boil things down to one thing (life is way more complex), but this may be where you should start:

    me11 said> I can picture a future for us where we move into our own place and share a life together.

    Can/does he?

    If the answer is "no", the rest is commentary.
    If the answer is "yes", then the rest is largely unimportant detail (which you still need to talk and work through).
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    Jun 27, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    me11 said My current boyfriend goes to clubs with his friends every once and awhile. I've never been invited to go. I'm not really the club type but I've been curious to see the the club that he occasionally frequents with his friends about once a month. When I suggested that he take me sometime, he told me that he doesn't like taking guys he's dating to the clubs. I didn't press on.

    icon_neutral.gif



    This sounds very strange to me. Do you want to go to the club? If you do, he should take you.

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    Jun 27, 2011 7:54 PM GMT
    Hawken put it best. What good is a relationship if you are to afriad to talk about the important things that matter to you.

    It appears that you are walking on eggs-shells. You have feel safe to talk about what's on your mind.

    Besides being your bf, he should also be one of your best friends or close ot it. If he's going to fleece, then he's not the one.

    Communication is key on both parts or else you are just talking into the wind.
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    Jun 27, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    As others have said, the main issue here is communication. It seems quite one-sided and it's unclear why this is, and I'd be very suspicious about his unwillingness to take you on a night out. Insist on going with him next time.
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    Jun 27, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    I think since you're not living together you should only think of it as just simple dating. You seem to have become pretty close to him where it seems he is keeping you at an arms length. Does he date other guys? Has he's talked about settling down with you? if not you need to ask him whats going on. On him not inviting you or uninviting you to go clubbing...umm that doesn't sound good at all. They say hope for the best and have plan for the worst..... Good Luck
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    Jun 28, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    Thanks guys for the help and advice. What it all boils down to is me taking that step and talking about my feelings. I have been so hesitant to do so because I'm afraid to say something that will offend him.

    I never felt this fear in my prior relationship, which lasted over three years. One of my ex-boyfriend's complaints, however, was that I had too many things to say, highs and lows, too many issues and problems. I would sometimes create a problem simply out of my paranoia about something.

    When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was determined to be different, to not let him see that emotional, sort of neurotic and vulnerable even? side of me for fear of rejection. The problem now is that I am afraid to voice my concerns about the relationship because of this different behavior. Ducky47 said that it seems like I'm walking on eggshells. I guess that's sort of true. I'm trying to act all calm and collected on the outside while on the inside I'm torn apart.

    At the beginning of the relationship he couldn't stop complimenting me and saying that he had never met anyone like me before. He even went all the way to say that he wanted to marry me and move in with him one day. I was flattered but took all of this with a grain of salt because it was at the beginning of the relationship. Now he doesn't talk like this to me anymore and it's been this way for awhile. I seem to think that the present him is the real him, and there's nothing wrong with that, but once in awhile I'd love to hear those things that he used to say to me.

    I get upset when I think of him having a great time with his friends at the club. He doesn't go there often, but I don't like knowing that he has this side that I don't ever see. I might be reflecting on my own life as well, and jealousy kicks in because I never had a core group of gay friends that I hung out with for years like he has. I think I'm comparing my life too much to his and this doesn't help things.