Am I being unreasonable and judgemental??

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    Jun 27, 2011 11:22 PM GMT
    Am I wrong for being intolerant of people who drunk text me and open up emotionally, but seem unable to when sober?

    Namely a guy I'm beginning to date who is getting over an 18 year relationship and I have a nagging feeling he's not ready.
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    Jun 27, 2011 11:25 PM GMT
    Not at all. That damn drunk text message should be a red flag as well. We've all texted something stupid when we were drunk, but I would monitor it. Don't give it any validation, and see if it frequently happens again.
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    Jun 27, 2011 11:29 PM GMT

    1) Drunk texts about how shit his life is. I have NO tolerance for people telling me their deepest emotions when drunk. I find it very disrespectful.
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    Jun 27, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    Be patient with your friend and hope that this is a phase after his 18 year loss of a relationship. Yes, it would be extremely irritating to get the drunk texts.
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    Jun 27, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    Drunken texts bout songs that illustrate how crap his life is- I feel I'm a stop gap and can't have a relationship with someone who:
    A) has his ex boyfriend living in their joint shared house
    B)is afraid of confrontation so won't address the issue and get things done himself- like getting it moving quickly so his ex leaves

    C) evades my directness about the situ.

    I am confrontational, forthright and have backbone. Many gay men , I am learning - have "peter pan syndrome" and I fear I'm gonna get hurt
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    Jun 27, 2011 11:59 PM GMT
    Why don't you talk to him about it?
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:02 AM GMT
    I have. He seems to evade any personal responsibility.
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    If you feel that way I would move on, to someone else.
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    Hell NO! With this recent bout with my lifelong alcholic sister I have finally put my foot down on my extremely LOW tolerance for drunks. Get out while you can!
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    blactor saidAm I wrong for being intolerant of people who drunk text me and open up emotionally, but seem unable to when sober?

    Namely a guy I'm beginning to date who is getting over an 18 year relationship and I have a nagging feeling he's not ready.



    I wouldn't date anyone who chose texting as a way to communicate regardless of if he was drunk or sober. How juvenile.
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:06 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    blactor said Many gay men , I am learning - have "peter pan syndrome" and I fear I'm gonna get hurt



    There is no validity in limiting this to gay men. People tend to be scared and are not always comfortable handing their own emotions. This is a big reason why I believe people use drugs and get drunk. So that they can survive their pain. They simply don't know how to handle it, heal it and let it go and move on.

    He really could use some help. I am not suggesting that you take responsibility for him but perhaps don't feel so insulted when he contacts you and opens up when he is drunk. He simply cannot handle his pain when sober. I feel sorry for the guy.

    Good luck.


    QFT.

    I wouldnt personally take it as disrespectful. Maybe you should think about why it is so.... offensive? to you. Clearly the guy is going through some stuff.... and if your feeling is that he is not ready, then you're probably right.

    EDIT: I agree that it would be nice of you to be patient with him. But for real, if you can't tolerate his displays of emotion in times/ways that you deem inappropriate.... then maybe he isnt the right guy for you... at least now.

    I suppose Nno one said you had to be nice. If you don't want to/cannot deal with the baggage, there are better ways of dealing with that issue rather than getting angry at him....
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:24 AM GMT

    Drunk dialing, texting is annoying while its happening, but when they stop, you kinda feel nervous about what he's doing - why isn't he calling? At least when he calls you know he's not drunk somewhere being beaten while unconscious.
    If he's going through something - help him. If you really like him, at least accept his texts because you'll just worry if he stops making them.

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    Jun 28, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    You are being judgemental in that you are judging what is right to allow into your life. There is nothing wrong with that. It's your life. If you allow this drama into your life, it's your own fault. it's his drama. If he can't own it, it's not your job to take it on.

    and that's not unreasonable.

    if you do and then ask me to listen to it, I'll just what I want to listen to....which is not unreasonable....
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:47 AM GMT



    If he was doing this while sober and also confiding the same way with you in person I'd think it was fine.

    But he's ONLY doing this while drunk and when sober not at all and acting like it never happened? (the opening up when drunk)

    If my definition of drunk is the same as yours, mine being unable to walk a straight line, then...uh oh.

    How drunk is drunk?

    -Doug
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    Jun 28, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    blactor saidI have. He seems to evade any personal responsibility.


    Yeah, he ain't ready. I would hold off on anything with the guy until he sorts out his issues. That's a massive red flag right there, ya know?
  • HndsmKansan

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    Jun 28, 2011 12:51 AM GMT
    If he isn't ready to have a reasonable discussion about his feelings and has to be drunk has some issues. I'd be wary. You and he need some serious conversation time.
  • tautomer

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    Jun 28, 2011 1:24 AM GMT
    blactor saidI have. He seems to evade any personal responsibility.


    This should be a major, major warning sign already. No doubt about it.

    That's not unreasonable to think that. Nevertheless, it would be unfair to jump to excessive conclusions from only a few incidents. The next step would be to talk about it, see what's going on, and garner understanding of why this occurs. It seems you already did it. If no reasonable answer is to emerge, or there is a resistance to changing this pattern, or just no attempt to work out not being able to express emotion, then the relationship should not be allowed to form.
  • barriehomeboy

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    Jun 28, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    You think you're dating. He thinks you're his new shoulder to cry on. Yeah he's not ready. Are you willing to wait? How hot is he?
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    Jun 28, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    I operate under the principle of only changing the thing that I can change.

    Based on what you have written, it appears that you do know that he is getting over a 18 year relationship and that he still has yet to dissolve their living situation. That sounds to me that you have chosen to put yourself in a complex situation that may or may not have some high emotions still circling about. Given that scenario, people act and behave in ways that are out of the ordinary. Sometimes, that involves just grasping at straws to get through the day. Every loss has to go through the grieving process....the real loss doesn't truly set in until its gone. There was even a point after ending my last relationship when I had to grieve the loss of the loss. Not everyone is the same.

    What I will say is that maybe the real disrespect is coming from the sheer willingness to pursue someone in this situation. In my very humble opinion, let him go so that he can get his life together and bow out peacefully so that he doesn't have anything else to deal with.

    best of luck....

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    Jun 28, 2011 7:09 AM GMT
    kevinap saidI operate under the principle of only changing the thing that I can change.

    Based on what you have written, it appears that you do know that he is getting over a 18 year relationship and that he still has yet to dissolve their living situation. That sounds to me that you have chosen to put yourself in a complex situation that may or may not have some high emotions still circling about. Given that scenario, people act and behave in ways that are out of the ordinary. Sometimes, that involves just grasping at straws to get through the day. Every loss has to go through the grieving process....the real loss doesn't truly set in until its gone. There was even a point after ending my last relationship when I had to grieve the loss of the loss. Not everyone is the same.

    What I will say is that maybe the real disrespect is coming from the sheer willingness to pursue someone in this situation. In my very humble opinion, let him go so that he can get his life together and bow out peacefully so that he doesn't have anything else to deal with.

    best of luck....



    This is spot on. Its madness to think it will work. And despite him saying I've brough him hope etc- it isn't a good fit.