This is a horrible year..

  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Jun 28, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    So a lot of things going on this year and I could really use some tips from the more experienced out there.

    My sister came to visit me about 2 months ago telling me my mother probably wont live through this year, and that I need to go visit her soon. Well moneys tight and I cant really afford to go, especially since last Tuesday I walked into work and my manager is standing there with an envelope telling me they're letting me go from my position of 6 years..

    So now here I am waiting for E.D.D. to call and putting my resume out there frantically hoping to nab something quickly. And then my partner comes home from a checkup at the doctors office and tells me they found something suspicious and they want to test for Prostate cancer. icon_neutral.gif

    It literally feels like somebody walked up and tossed my life upside down and all the pieces are still falling.
  • jmanorlando

    Posts: 205

    Jun 28, 2011 9:14 PM GMT
    You are in an extremely tough situation, but here are some thoughts.

    I don't want this to be cold or insensitive but trying to place things in perspective.

    First, find a way to visit your Mom asap. Take a bus, plane, whatever and go see her, better to go now and share a few special moments that to receive a call that she has passed. If you can only stay for a few days do it, then return home to support your man and find work.

    Second, fyi, if you get a job tomorrow then unless you tell the on day one you have a trip planned to visit your Mom then you won't be able to take time off. So make sure she is in your plans.

    Three, I have been through cancer with my partner and it sucks. However, not everything they suspect is cancer is, be supportive and try to be there on the day he gets the results back. (if at all possible)

    Four - Job Hunting, this is where Linkedin and Facebook and Networking pay off send emails to friends knowing that you are looking and what you are looking for. If you have a good work track record and are upstanding guy, something good is bound to come all. But looking for a job is work, so plan to be employed at getting employed.

    Last get creative cutting costs, eat in, sell things on ebay and or picking up cash friendly jobs (valet parking, wait tables, etc...) Basically now you need to reduce expense and find ways to make some extra cash.

    The only thing I can tell you is these things will change, some for the better, some for the worse but they won't stay the same. For you I hope they are only for the better. Take care
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    Jun 28, 2011 9:31 PM GMT
    Find a way to visit your mom. ASAP. Credit card, loan from a friend, just do it.

    Call her, and tell her your financial situation. Maybe she has other means to help you too.

    Your partner will likely be OK after the prostate exam...that'll take more time to deal with, so push it back if you can. In fact, get a frigg'n plane ticket for your partner to visit your mom too.

    For those of us who've lost parents (both of mine in the last year-and-a-half) you will regret it if you don't go now.
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    Jun 28, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
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  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 28, 2011 9:41 PM GMT
    Greenhopper saidhug__by_Defies.jpg


    Ditto. Good advice above. You can't put a price on time spent with your mother. Regret can haunt you for the rest of your life. You can live with the few $100s of dollars it'll cost to visit. As they say, "it's just money." Sure, timing couldn't be worse -- this is a lot for anyone to have on their plate. But, take a step back and evaluate what's really going to be a value to you personally.

    Best of luck. My heart goes out to you, your mother, and your partner.
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    Jun 28, 2011 10:48 PM GMT
    Sk8Tex saidSo a lot of things going on this year and I could really use some tips from the more experienced out there.

    My sister came to visit me about 2 months ago telling me my mother probably wont live through this year, and that I need to go visit her soon. Well moneys tight and I cant really afford to go, especially since last Tuesday I walked into work and my manager is standing there with an envelope telling me they're letting me go from my position of 6 years..

    So now here I am waiting for E.D.D. to call and putting my resume out there frantically hoping to nab something quickly. And then my partner comes home from a checkup at the doctors office and tells me they found something suspicious and they want to test for Prostate cancer. icon_neutral.gif

    It literally feels like somebody walked up and tossed my life upside down and all the pieces are still falling.


    Do you want to spend time with your mum? If yes, then go. Now.
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    Jun 28, 2011 11:06 PM GMT
    As difficult as this may be, you need to put all other problems and worries aside for now and go spend time with your Mom. . Visiting her will provide you with a sense of peace and strength to start dealing with the other issues in your life.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just keep in mind that all things pass, including difficulties in life. It will get better in time. Hang in there, and just take it one day at a time. Always be assured that you have our emotional support. .

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    Jun 28, 2011 11:56 PM GMT
    My prayers and best wishes go out to you...everyone has said already some great advise...foremost spend time with your Mom. Life is so short and precious. I know you think money is a factor, but when all is said and done you will regret not spending time with her. Your partner will support you as well even if he is going through his own health issues. In terms of prostate, if could be an elevated PSA levels, but there could be other factors rather than cancer.

    Also from the legal ramifications maybe your family has already started the process, but its essential that the following items be in place for your Mom as well as your family.

    (1) Durable Power of Attorney - in the event that your Mom becomes incapacitated who will continue to take care of her household while she is in the hospital, etc. Who can access her bank accounts, insurance, etc. for her.

    (2) Health Care Directive - If she does not want to be in prolonged by artificial means is this expressed clearly... what she will allow the doctors to do or not to do while in the hospital

    (3) Last Will and Testament - Has this been executed? Are her wishes clearly expressed.

    (4) Trust - In the event that the Last Will and Testament is challenged by one of your siblings, you don not want to go into probate court in could go into years...this is where the Trust comes along...she assigns an Executor to her state..is more expensive but is worth it will strictly note her wishes and it the courts will upheld the trust.

    My apologies if this items have already been covered in your family, again the practically is that we continue living once our loved one's are gone and yet sometimes things are not left in the best managed care to take care of them after they are gone.
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    Jun 29, 2011 12:03 AM GMT
    Great advice. The only thing I can amplify on is this: Take your lap top with you to visit your Mom. During times when she is asleep or resting, you can take an hour or so to work on your career search. If you cannot take your partner with you on this visit, you can spend an hour or so on the phone each day with him to stay connected and express your concern and support.

    New jobs will come your way, and money will be plentiful again, but you'll always remember the final conversations and time spent with your Mom. Now is the time to do the things that will give you pleasant memories and peace all through the years of the rest of your life.

  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jun 29, 2011 12:15 AM GMT
    I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time. To echo others, please make it a priority to do whatever you need to do to see your Mom. You can always find another job eventually, but you only have one Mom. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go see her. Besides, it will lift her spirits as much as it will yours.
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    Jun 29, 2011 1:08 AM GMT
    My prayers go out to you Tex. How far does your mother live from you? The money for you to go visit your mom will come; and know there is a better job to replace the one you've lost. Please give some words of encouragement to your partner. The diagnosis is not in yet. Please mail me if I can be of any encouragement to you. Blessings!
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 29, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    Hey my friend.....I haven't forgotten you. We all have times that we feel things are pressing in on us and going out of control. Just want you to know that I am here for you. icon_wink.gif
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Jun 29, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    Annus horribilis.

    Ten years from now, you will probably look at the loss of that job as a blessing. You were bored in that position. Losing that job frees up time to spend with your Mom.

    Sometimes life throws us a lot of change at once. If you stop and be quiet for a moment, you will probably see that you're okay, despite all that is swirling around you. From your strength, you can do what needs to be done. You can help those around you when they need help.

    Big change means big opportunity. Use it wisely. Good luck and let us know how it all plays out. You have your own thread now, so please let us know. Wishing you all the strength and creativity you need to get through this, to create your annus marabilis.




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    Jun 29, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    Great advice. But especially visit your mom. Whatever it takes.

    A few years ago, my married sister suggested she and I take my mother on a cruise. Her husband was busy and taking care of my mother was a bit much for one person. So the three of us went and all had a great time. My mother beamed at the compliments she received at how well her son and daughter looked after her. Took pictures, vacation was priceless. Two months later she was gone from a massive stroke. Can't tell you how glad I am that we all spent time together.

    As far as everything else goes, I'd consider it a test. Everything coming your way to challenge you. You have the opportunity to prove to yourself how mentally tough you are.
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    Jun 29, 2011 4:32 AM GMT
    All things come to pass, not to stay.

    Personal resilience makes it all ok...even when it sucks.
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    Jun 29, 2011 1:51 PM GMT
    I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom's illness, your boyfriend's health scare and the job situation.

    Other posters have already given you lists of good advice on the specifics of how you mighty want to deal with each of the current crises.

    I want to remind you to look after yourself and to treat yourself well - I.e. keep eating well even on a tighter budget, stay as rested as you can, keep doing the things you love (skating, photography, etc).

    You're obviously entering a really tough chapter of your life. With hindsight it may be also be one you will be able value. In any case, your ability to look after the ones you love and to get throug these traumas in the best shape will depend considerably on your ability and willingness to look after yourself as you help those round you. Remember the airplane safety blurb: in the event of an emergency put on your oxygen mask first; then help those around you.

    All the best
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    Jun 29, 2011 2:02 PM GMT
    All of the above is amazing advice and if you take it you will come out ok.

    I just want to add something here. As strange as it may sound, there is something out in the world that makes it all right.
    Clearly, already, the world has started to make it right for you - your friends on here have stepped up behind you with support.

    If money is your worry, then don't. Money is something that will always find it's way to you, regardless. Someone will lend you the cash, or you could borrow to see your mum.

    I lost my mum to cancer years ago and it hurt. And it will for you too. You need to take away all the good she put into you and deal it out into the people you love.

    PM me please if you need a shoulder.

    xx cronks
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    Jun 29, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    I was faced with some challenges similar to this a couple years ago. It will be so easy for you to spend time with your mom now. Look at the loss of your job as a benefit....this could be it. There is nothing in this world more valuable than TIME itself. Maybe even consider taking a temporary job and staying with your mom for a while.....it wasn't ideal for me, but that's what I did.

    Whatever the outcome, you want to be able to look back and say that you did the best that you could do given the situation.

    best of luck....
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    Jun 29, 2011 2:22 PM GMT
    At some point we all feel like this; we all have that moment in time when the whole world seems to be crashing down around us...

    I know it's hard to see it this way but the job loss could be a blessing in disguise... you'll get a redundancy payout, right? So now you have some cash to pay for a trip to see your mum...

    But you need to be with, and support you BF right now? Sounds like he needs a break, so take him with you... I'm sure his employer won't mind him taking some time off work given the stress he's under at the moment...

    You need to make looking for a new job a priority at the moment? The internet can be used to apply for jobs no matter where you are and the chances are your not going to land a face to face job interview in the next few days, so there's no better time to take the time out you need right now...

    All things happen for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense to you just now. Take care and remember to take the time you need in all this, you're no use to anyone if you aren't 100%!

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    Jun 29, 2011 2:43 PM GMT
    I just remember that someone else is doing a lot worse than I am and it helps me put things into perspective.

    Simple but effective for me.

    xx
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    Jun 29, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    First, my prayers and thoughts include you, your partner, and your mother.

    I have to agree with what everyone has stated. But, I would also like to add something.

    My parents always taught us boys (7 boys in my family) that when we take a spouse, that spouse becomes our number one priority in life. They take priority, even over parents and siblings, because that spouse becomes our new family.

    With that said, when (not if) you go to spend time with your mother, plan it around your partner's appointments. Find a way to see your mother, but be at home for your partner. If his news is good, you'll be there to celebrate. If the news is not so good, you will be there for his support.

    I've been where you are. My partner had prostate cancer 6 years ago.

    I would try to get to your mother now. That will give you the opportunity to be back at your partner's side when he has his next exam and tests.

    If you need someone to "talk" to that has been in your shoes, please let me know.
  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Jun 29, 2011 6:11 PM GMT
    You guys are really fantastic, thank you for the all the supportive advice, emails, and messages. I appreciate them all so very much right now.

    We are slowly putting the pieces where they should be but it's definitely an uphill battle at the moment. I was feeling extremely burdened by everything and really needed to vent/release some steam, and get my thoughts together.

    Again, huge thanks to everyone, you probably don't know how moving it was to me to read all these encouraging messages right now.