Open Relationships

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:19 AM GMT

  So I just recently discovered that a lot of the people I know are in Open Relationships. I've always thought about them as well as being in one myself but what do you guys think?
  
  Does the fact that you want to be able to date other people mean that the person you're in a relationship with doesn't have you want?
  
  I don't understand what someone in an open relationship is looking for, just sex with other people they find attractive? Or to find something that their boyfriend lacks?
  
  This isn't meant to be offensive to anyone in an open relationship. I think different things work for different people, and besides, I think it might be for me too.
  
  

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:23 AM GMT

  "Does the fact that you want to be able to date other people mean that the person you're in a relationship with doesn't have you want?"
  
  
  "DATE" other people? I don't know of anyone in open relationships that "date" other people. I'm sure they exist, but that's asking a lot of someone! Open relationships normally just mean they're allowed to have occasional casual, meaningless sex with someone else.

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:30 AM GMT

  Waterpologuy3 saidDoes the fact that you want to be able to date other people mean that the person you're in a relationship with doesn't have you want?

  
  
  Not at all. I can love multiple people and be intimate with them. I can be in a relationship with one person or 4 people. It's not going to stop me from loving each of them for who they are.
  
  Think of it like an artist. I love Maynard Keenan. I also love Trent Reznor, and Alex Grey. Each of them are very different, I love them for different reasons, and each one holds a very special piece of my intellect. The same case applies to relationships.
  
  Polyamorous people are just wired differently than monoamorous people. I don't fully understand why people have the desire to find one person in the world they feel as though they belong with. Even more, I don't fully understand why someone would enter an agreement with only one person, and then go behind that person's back to get the rest of their needs met when they could have just been honest in the first place. Again, I'm just wired to feel natural dating multiple people who also date multiple people. Sure, I can do the monogamy thing, but I don't tend to choose to go that route.

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:32 AM GMT

  To each their own on this one, but I find that it is almost impossible for that to be a healthy or stable relationship dynamic. It leaves both parties vulnerable to disease let alone resentment and jealousy.
  
  Everyone has eyes and once in a committed relationship it would be easy to remove the fear of the other "Cheating" on you by having an open relationship... and to quote Rodney Carrington...
  
  "There's only so many green m&m's a man can eat before he goes FUCK I WANT A RED ONE!!!!"
  
  Truer words, but that is the point a beauty of commitment and intimate love between 2 people. Despite all odds you stick together, in good times and bad.
  
  I'm not saying it has never worked, I am saying that's rare. The choice however, is up to you my friend.
  

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:34 AM GMT

  Stolenname saidTo each their own on this one, but I find that it is almost impossible for that to be a healthy or stable relationship dynamic. It leaves both parties vulnerable to disease let alone resentment and jealousy.
  

  
  
  Sorta like what people say about being gay in general, yes?

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:37 AM GMT

  Im not a big fan of deciding what is or isnt a healthy relationship... me personally I never thought of having an open relationship.. for me a relationship would mean = exclusive.... if it were open, we wouldnt be bf's, but fb's by its very nature....
  
  That said, i know plenty of couples who have people on the side and threeways with thirds and they stay and live together and seem quite content that way,
  
  Same goes for polygamous societies, where more than two people enter into a marriage, I mean, it even happened in the old testament..
  
  So who is anyone to judge? If you both agree it works for the both of you, go for it....
  
  But what yuo must NOT do, is start off with one person wanting exclusivity and the other open, and trying to make it work, that in my opinion, is a ticking timebomb

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:39 AM GMT

  Pyrotech said

  Waterpologuy3 saidDoes the fact that you want to be able to date other people mean that the person you're in a relationship with doesn't have you want?

  
  
  Not at all. I can love multiple people and be intimate with them. I can be in a relationship with one person or 4 people. It's not going to stop me from loving each of them for who they are.
  
  Think of it like an artist. I love Maynard Keenan. I also love Trent Reznor, and Alex Grey. Each of them are very different, I love them for different reasons, and each one holds a very special piece of my intellect. The same case applies to relationships.
  
  Polyamorous people are just wired differently than monoamorous people. I don't fully understand why people have the desire to find one person in the world they feel as though they belong with. Even more, I don't fully understand why someone would enter an agreement with only one person, and then go behind that person's back to get the rest of their needs met when they could have just been honest in the first place. Again, I'm just wired to feel natural dating multiple people who also date multiple people. Sure, I can do the monogamy thing, but I don't tend to choose to go that route.

  
  
  Well, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... when Im not "in love" with someone, I can definitely be polyamorous..
  
  but personally, if I would have the choice, I would prefer to be "in love" cuz I find it a more satisfying feeling, that is, when the feeling is mutual

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  Jun 30, 2011 12:42 AM GMT

  Greenhopper saidWell, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... when Im not "in love" with someone, I can definitely be polyamorous..

  
  
  Sounds like you lean more toward the monoamorous side. I'm pretty sure that's the norm, as many of my friends are that way as well.

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  Jun 30, 2011 1:54 AM GMT

  Pyrotech said

  Greenhopper saidWell, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... when Im not "in love" with someone, I can definitely be polyamorous..

  
  
  Sounds like you lean more toward the monoamorous side. I'm pretty sure that's the norm, as many of my friends are that way as well.

  
  
  Yeah I know that about myself... but I am very adamant in saying that that is certainly not a universal ideal, in my opinion... I think mono-amory is its own set of stressors which not everyone is willing or able to take on, nor would it make everyone as happy as it does me

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  Jun 30, 2011 2:01 AM GMT

  Greenhopper said

  
  Well, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... when Im not "in love" with someone, I can definitely be polyamorous..
  
  but personally, if I would have the choice, I would prefer to be "in love" cuz I find it a more satisfying feeling, that is, when the feeling is mutual

  
  
  I guess that involves me figuring out what being in love means then haha but I think that's a completely separate thread.
  
  Anyways, I guess it makes sense that people are just different in that way. My friend insisted that he was in love with his boyfriend in his open relationship.
  
  I feel like this topic would get a lot more heat as to the "wrongness" of an open relationship in a less open minded forum.

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  Jun 30, 2011 2:18 AM GMT

  Waterpologuy3 said

  Greenhopper said

  
  Well, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... when Im not "in love" with someone, I can definitely be polyamorous..
  
  but personally, if I would have the choice, I would prefer to be "in love" cuz I find it a more satisfying feeling, that is, when the feeling is mutual

  
  
  I guess that involves me figuring out what being in love means then haha but I think that's a completely separate thread.
  
  Anyways, I guess it makes sense that people are just different in that way. My friend insisted that he was in love with his boyfriend in his open relationship.
  
  I feel like this topic would get a lot more heat as to the "wrongness" of an open relationship in a less open minded forum.

  
  
  Yup, the couple I knew who were open, were perfectly happy together that way

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• masculumpedes
  
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  Jun 30, 2011 2:24 AM GMT

  I always thought that an "open relationship" meant that you had no secrets from each other....

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  Jun 30, 2011 2:41 AM GMT

  So what about the couples who bring a third into their relationship and the three of them are exclusively in a relationship? I definitely believe that people are capable of loving more than one person.

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  Jun 30, 2011 3:31 AM GMT

  Open relationships are hard. Done it before while in a relationship for 2.5 years. I believe it takes two people with the exact same mentality about dividing emotions and physical attractiveness. I've seen it done successfully when the two have a strong bond - but i don't think they should be tried if either have any doubts.
  
  <---Single man for life

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  Jun 30, 2011 3:39 AM GMT

  I've never understood Open Relationships. I have some friends who are couples in such an arrangement. And when I have asked them the purpose of why they have such an allowable policy, their responses are usually muddled and incoherent. It's as if they don't know how they got there, but there they are: Screwing around with other guys whether they're together or on their own.
  
  Personally, my ideal relationship would be closed and working hard toward making it a successful monogamous relationship. But it seems many gay guys nowadays have resigned themselves from that, opting for playing the field while in an open relationship.

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  Jun 30, 2011 4:23 AM GMT

  MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI can just see it now. "Hi, honey. I'm home. What did you do today on your day off?"
  
  "Well, sweetheart. I went out and had some meaningless sex with some guy I met online."
  
  "Oh, really? And how was it?"
  
  "Well, to be honest, it was some of the best sex I ever had. We fucked for six hours!"
  

  
  
  Sort of...
  
  With my last boyfriend, we never sought out a 3rd or more for our relationship. However, we did play around with other guys from time to time, and generally when we did, it was a threesome. However, for the times we went solo, we would come back and share all the details. It was fucking hot to hear some of the stories he would tell. And he would get extremely turned on to hear some of the escapades that I had. It was practically foreplay. We'd get all turned on, then fuck the daylights out of each other.
  
  There actually seems to be quite a theme with the guys on this site though. If the person isn't into something or says they don't understand it (leather, BDSM, pride parades, open relationships, etc), rather than trying to understand it, they simply bash it and even make up blatant lies about it. Some of them are truths but are twisted.
  
  Someone said that most open relationships don't last. Well, no shit. Most relationships in general don't last. If I were to date 4 people and marry the 4th, 75% of my relationships didn't work out, be them monoamorous or polyamorous. I've been in more poly relationships than mono relationships, and the poly ones lasted longer. I could twist that to make a sweeping generalization that poly relationships are stronger and last longer than mono relationships, but that would be intellectually dishonest. If you're not into something, just say you're not into it. If you don't understand something, either ask questions about it to try and understand it or just let it be. Why bash it?

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  Jun 30, 2011 4:36 AM GMT

  Pyrotech saidPolyamorous people are just wired differently than monoamorous people.

  
  
  That's right, we are (as in we're monoamorous - nice word btw).
  
  

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  Jun 30, 2011 4:40 AM GMT

  Pyrotech, in my humble experience the best thing is to let each openly state their own. Thanks for the posts. When we hide who we are and try fit in to one demographic the dating world becomes rife with misunderstandings and broken hearts.
  
  Thanks for openly stating your case, and doing it well.
  
  rather affectionately,
  
  -Doug

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  Jun 30, 2011 5:09 AM GMT

  @Pyro: well said

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  Jun 30, 2011 5:12 AM GMT

  Greenhopper said
  Well, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else....

  
  
  This happens to me too and I hate it. It's been a recipe for heartbreak in my life.
  
  I'm definitely wired to cling and settle down.

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  Jun 30, 2011 5:23 AM GMT

  [quote

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  Jun 30, 2011 5:28 AM GMT

  Pyrotech said[quote

  
  
  

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• wild_sky360
  
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  Jun 30, 2011 5:53 AM GMT

  I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this...and I'm in one.
  
  Having always been in faithful monogamous relationships, my prior attitude was quite similar to MuchMoreThanMuscle. Now that I'm in one, I'm thinking more like Pyrotech.
  
  Greenhopper rings true as well..."Well, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... "
  The difference being...loving someone vs being in love

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  Jun 30, 2011 5:58 AM GMT

  wild_sky360 saidI'm not entirely sure how I feel about this...and I'm in one.
  
  Having always been in faithful monogamous relationships, my prior attitude was quite similar to MuchMoreThanMuscle. Now that I'm in one, I'm thinking more like Pyrotech.
  
  Greenhopper rings true as well..."Well, for me when Im "in love" with someone, i naturally lose ALL interest in everyone else.... "
  The difference being...loving someone vs being in love

  
  
  that last one is an excellent point in fact... i have heard of many relationships that start out being "in love" and closed... then after a while the love becomes a companionnate love and the relationship becomes open... Ive not yet gotten that far into a relationship as of yet, so I cant say if that would not change with me either

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  Jun 30, 2011 6:10 AM GMT

  MuchMoreThanMuscle saidOf all the relationships I've known of people in poly-amorous relationships - none of them worked out. In fact, nearly all have ended bitterly.
  

  
  
  Every relationship you enter -- poly or not -- will end, EXCEPT ONE (and very often they end bitterly).
  
  I'm dating a guy who has a primary partner. For the moment, it's exactly what we both need. The dynamics will probably change in the future, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

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