No feelings over a breakup?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    Hey guys, just wanted to get your opinion,

    So I just got out of a 4 month relationship when I realized that we were just too different to really make it work, even though we had tried several times.

    It took me a little while to decide if it was really the best thing to do for the both of us but it just got to the point where I had to say something.

    During the whole talk we had, he kept asking "Why don't you seem upset at all by this? Did the last 4 months mean absolutely nothing to you?" etc. etc.

    I felt a little bad, of course, because I knew he really liked me. I'm also the second guy he's ever dated.

    So, is it bad that by the time I broke up with him I barely felt any compassion for him even though I spent the past 4 months with him? When the spark is dead, it's dead, right?
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    Jun 30, 2011 2:08 AM GMT
    It's not bad that the break-up didn't make you feel anything. In fact, the fact that you didn't feel anything probably means it was the right thing to do. The fact that you guys had to "try several times" in such a short period of time pretty much shows the relationship was not going anywhere.
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    Jun 30, 2011 3:00 AM GMT
    ^same as there.. the fact that you were only "trying" these past 4 months meant you werent really into it anyway.. thats why you're not upset, you were never emotionally invested to begin with
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Jun 30, 2011 3:13 AM GMT
    No that's not bad. I can not help but feel bad for him, as I can imagine how that must feel (damn empathy). Nevertheless, I have been in your shoes before.

    I was in a 3-4 month relationship with a guy and when I broke up with him, I didn't feel the least bit bad about it. He was very, very upset though (which actually struck me as odd because of his behavior throughout the course of the relationship). The reason this occured is because I was trying to make it work the whole time, and "let go" of all the things that he did that caused problems, and made it nearly impossible for me to feel close to him. The fact of the matter is, there was never a link with him in the first place. I created false feelings within myself to keep it going and try. However, they do not sustain, and they are hard to understand what they are until they become hindsight reflections. The relationship within me, never grew.

    Sounds like that happened to you. There isn't anything wrong with that. You can't force yourself to feel one way over another. It's very unhealthy to make yourself feel in a way you feel you should. Just make sure you treat him lightly as you part ways. As I said I can imagine how that must feel; and that is likely to leave a mark on him for a very long time.

    ETA: Ha! We're from the same town! Small world.
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    Jun 30, 2011 3:25 AM GMT
    It's bad if you don't help him understand why you might not feel anything anymore.

    I was in a relationship for 2.5 years and I had the luxury of thinking about it months in advance and dealing with my emotions before the breakup. It came as a shock to him that I felt nothing after the break up, but I conveyed to him that I had thought about it 3 months in advance before it happened.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Jun 30, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    No feelings over a breakup .... means you had no feelings for him or the relationship. Four months isn't a particularly long time to develop feelings for someone, though it appears this relationship meant more to him than you.

    If you didn't think it would work, then you should have parted ways. If both people are not in it 100%, no romantic/intimate relationship will ever work.
  • errol88

    Posts: 365

    Jun 30, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    Defenseon saidIt's bad if you don't help him understand why you might not feel anything anymore.

    I was in a relationship for 2.5 years and I had the luxury of thinking about it months in advance and dealing with my emotions before the breakup. It came as a shock to him that I felt nothing after the break up, but I conveyed to him that I had thought about it 3 months in advance before it happened.



    How does that make it any better? You spent three months preparing yourself for the breakup--during which time you don't discuss this with your ex, who may or may not have any idea that something is up--and then spring it on him and expect him to understand that "it's cool, I've had loads of time to think about it."
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    Jun 30, 2011 5:20 AM GMT
    maybe you didnt have a strong feeling for him at the beginning. But like you said, you both tried several times to make it work, then you probably got tired of it as a whole. Well good thing you end it early before he feels so strongly about you.
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    Jun 30, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    Blitzm saidSo, is it bad that by the time I broke up with him I barely felt any compassion for him even though I spent the past 4 months with him? When the spark is dead, it's dead, right?


    Yes, I think it's bad, but that's because I'm always a wreck when I have to hurt someone like this. No way I could crush someone and only feel "a little bad" about it. But you feel how you feel. Better now than four months from now.

    I know a guy who's been dating someone since January. They've broken up three times already, but the guy keeps begging him back. It's obvious he's going to end up really hurt, and it's going to be ugly. Everyone is wondering how this trainwreck is going to end. Really sad to watch six months in.

    So while I feel bad for your ex, it really is better you ended it now -- you probably should have ended it 3.5 months ago.

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    Jun 30, 2011 5:27 AM GMT

    "So while I feel bad for your ex, it really is better you ended it now -- you probably should have ended it 3.5 months ago."


    This is a good point. Your bf had no time to prepare; you did. I think if you'd mentioned you felt things were going off the rails earlier he would have had time to prepare for the shoe to drop as well.

    -Doug
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    Jun 30, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    its ok. you're helping him toughing up his skin. particular since you are just the second guy he ever dated. its not your fault you got bored of him. plus it was only 4 months.
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    Jun 30, 2011 5:35 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidits ok. you're helping him toughing up his skin. particular since you are just the second guy he ever dated. its not your fault you got bored of him. plus it was only 4 months.


    Welcome back Avada (white dudes ;) )
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2011 5:37 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidits ok. you're helping him toughing up his skin. particular since you are just the second guy he ever dated. its not your fault you got bored of him. plus it was only 4 months.



    I don't really think making someone develop callouses where sensitivity is preferred is any kind of gift. I had to resist and turf people who did that, and I'm glad I did.

    -Doug

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    Jun 30, 2011 6:20 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    AvadaKedavra saidits ok. you're helping him toughing up his skin. particular since you are just the second guy he ever dated. its not your fault you got bored of him. plus it was only 4 months.



    I don't really think making someone develop callouses where sensitivity is preferred is any kind of gift. I had to resist and turf people who did that, and I'm glad I did.

    -Doug



    Yeah, I do too now ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2011 7:22 AM GMT
    Actually he should consider this as a call for self improvement; that he could sap the warmth and vigor from you in 4 months is a pretty good sign that there is something wrong with his boyfriending skills, nothing wrong with you outside of the usual lack of empathy by gay men.No one can forget that we are all men; men are very in tuned to their feelings and quite resolute when making most decisions that affect us (selfish). Its the part about caring about another's reaction to our resolute intuition (selfishness) that reads as apathy, it's really just us being rational (apathetically rational), but the next time you dump a guy, maybe practice before hand, see if you can muster up a glamor of slight sorrow, concern for him, and at least melancholy over the relationship ending (these acting skills could pay off one day).

    .......................
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2011 8:17 AM GMT
    Is it bad?
    Well... In a sense, it kind of is a little wary that you never felt anything special with him for 4 months. But, people handle break ups differently. I have to agree, it somewhat helps toughen the guy rejected/dumped but I can also see from another perspective. That is if you didn't have any sort of remorse. that you never really cared for him in the first place and in a sense, wasting both your time. But at least you tried to make things work so I have to respect that. Sometimes, things just aren't mean't to be. And it was better to stop the relationship now then let it drag on. For future reference, I'd try to feel at least somewhat empathy for the person. I mean, if you can focus on the good parts of your relationship that is. Because surely, there had to be some good times in your relationships.
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    Jun 30, 2011 9:11 AM GMT
    My last boyfriend's behaviour was so bad for most of our almost three year relationship that by the end I was sick of him. We were living in different places by that point, and he wasn't prepared to make any compromises whatsoever, so he called to do the break-up conversation one Saturday lunchtime. I burst out laughing once I got off the phone, which wasn't the reaction I expected to have; normally I would have been upset. I then took great delight in telling my friends that it was over because I finally felt free. I think I'd managed to get over the relationship while I was still in it, so moving on from then was very easy, and it sounds like the OP has done the same thing. It doesn't mean that your time with him meant nothing, but it does mean that you had suitably disinvested yourself of the situation before the end. I don't think that that is a bad thing.
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    Jun 30, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    People fall in love or lust, and people fall out of love or lust. That's just the way it is. Better to confront your feelings sooner rather than later so that no one is misled.