Forgive me that this will be a bit long (I am not known for being concise or taciturn):

I have worked on myself on an internal level A LOT this past year. In fact, I always am, all hours of the day. The main thing I worked on however was increasing my confidence, taking my own power and authority and actually feeling solid in using it. Basically kicking nearly all the social anxieties I had out the window; they are no longer an issue at all. I really have no issues in regards to confidance at all anymore; and I love it! Now I'm working on the physical side of things now that school is done (well, for the time being).

There is one issue I am wanting to address though. It's something I must address. I have a very hard time expressing emotion. Now, let me explain, because it's a tad complex. I am actually a pretty expressive person, always have been. In the sense that, I use a lot of vocal moderation, facial expressions, and body language to convey and share the feeling or emotion of the situation or person. It's usually not my own though. I usually do this for the other person (and this is natural) or the group. I may not feel this myself, but I share it because it is what should be there. It is however, genuine. The problem arises with how I internally feel. It is extremely difficult for me to express how I feel inside, personally, to someone.

What will generally occur, is that I will intellectualize what I am saying. I understand how I feel inside very well, and I will attempt to convey it to another person (I am speaking in terms of romantic interests mostly). I explain it in high detail, how it physically feels, where the feeling came from, etc. The problem is, by doing so, the feeling of the moment goes away. It is as if the very process of trying to share my feelings with someone, makes the feeling itself go away and become something completely cerebral. That is a problem because that precludes one (me) from actually forging a strong emotional connection with someone else that is healthy.

I feel like there are only a few ways I could actually achieve this at this current point of my development: I would have to have some kind of very emotionally taxing event occur. Something that forces me to be in emotional pain to the point where I would cry. Watching a very torn up movie (in which I force myself to pay attention and not ignore painful scenes) would be a good example. This torrent of feelings, would not scare me like they used to (my emotions are very strong, and I physically feel them). By doing so, I could collapse into the person I am dating, and express how I feel. In that state, I would have "opened" and I can begin connecting. The problem is, I would not want to have to subject a romantic interest to this, particularlly early in the game. Further, I understand that requiring such an event is a crutch and thus is not ideal and should be avoided if at all possible.

When I get physical with a guy, it's hard as well. In a way, I am anti-ADD. I need to do one thing, at a time, and only one thing at a time. If I have to do several things at once, I falter. When I make out with a guy, or we are fooling around, it's as if there are "too many distractions" going on; too many things. I can't simultenously feel emotional with all of this. I need to focus on kissing, feeling, touching, etc. That's nor normal and I want to understand why this is. Further, how to work past this. It also makes it very hard for me to be sexually turned on, but that is another matter entirely for another day (which I am also working on).

The general nutshell of this is, I feel emotions very strongly. I physically feel them as well. What I want, and desire, is for me to somehow communicate these feelings with someone I am romantically involved with, so that I actually retain this feeling, allow the walls (to which I have not put there by intention) to come down, and allow him to feel these feelings as well. It is very easy to see in another person when they feel a genuine emotion.

So, I ask. What am I doing wrong? How can I begin to blow past this? I will (and have) been working on this for a month or so now, but I need a starting point. Further, practice makes perfect and I will not be able to begin to make further progress until I test these conditions and actually put myself in situations where I can test it.

Any and all feedback is apprechiated!