Confused 18 year old is confused.

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    Jul 01, 2011 2:57 AM GMT
    Alright so, I'm probably the 10th person just on this page to have another typical question like this,but its been bugging me all day. I'm 18 and I'm in the closet. A couple months back I had a first date with a guy, we watched a movie, made out, done, that was it. Three weeks later it snaps, I did't find him attractive anymore, paranoia rushes in, and quite honestly I think it was just the pure selfish thrill of finally dating a guy that kept me going for 3 weeks. So I ended it.

    I found myself sucking it up and just trying to conform to society. I have big goals and stuff and I don't want to loose it all because of a gay relationship... or at least that's how I think now. If I am to get out of the closet and actually have a relationship, it better be worth it. It has to be the perfect guy and all that other bull crap, the one guy that BAM, it just works. He'll make me not give a damn about society and all that other shit.

    My dilemma is that today at the gym there was this guy working out in front of me. We had some awkward stare stuff going on, and sometimes I felt like he was purposely working out close to me. I dunno, could be imagination and I'm just hoping he was haha. But I always stay focused on my workout. I blare music in my ears and just focus on the weights, the floor, and the ceiling. In and out. I've taught myself that everyone in the world is straight unless they prove themselves otherwise. But then I'm thinking, no, I should be the one approaching them. Although it would be awkward to just smile and say hi, after an hour of a serious workout face.

    Meh, I dunno, I think I'm rambling. I can't even tell what my question is anymore haha. I think I'm just scared to break the ice. If it was meeting new friends at school or an event, yea I'm easy at that. But it's that idea of probably making myself look awkward, or being rejected, especially since I'm still in the closet, that worries me. Part of me really wants to go out and date, while the other is just "Just get through college and along the way he'll magically appear."

    Anyway, that's it. Sorry for the essay. Thanks for reading lol
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    Jul 01, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    Man, I used to think like that in high scool. I would come out for the perfect guy, and because of that I started evaluating every guy like they might be perfect. It was stupid.

    Don't come out if you're not ready, but plan on it, and plan on it for your own sake. It's a hard time, and you wouldn't want to put your boyfriend through that. I have dated a couple guys coming out, or that started coming out because they met me... and it sucked. You will realize a lot of things about yourself when you decide to make the change and stop caring about what people you don't know think.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jul 01, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    Flame1293 saidBut I always stay focused on my workout. I blare music in my ears and just focus on the weights, the floor, and the ceiling. In and out. I've taught myself that everyone in the world is straight unless they prove themselves otherwise. But then I'm thinking, no, I should be the one approaching them. Although it would be awkward to just smile and say hi, after an hour of a serious workout face.

    Meh, I dunno, I think I'm rambling. I can't even tell what my question is anymore haha. I think I'm just scared to break the ice. If it was meeting new friends at school or an event, yea I'm easy at that. But it's that idea of probably making myself look awkward, or being rejected, especially since I'm still in the closet, that worries me. Part of me really wants to go out and date, while the other is just "Just get through college and along the way he'll magically appear."


    Congrats on coming to terms with liking men sexually icon_biggrin.gif Now for the next big part: approaching people of similar interests. The part that I bolded up there, that's something that can be easily remedied. Did you ever talk to strangers when you were little? This is actually one of the best ways to meet people, and break the ice. Try to joke about how you liked his "serious face" or even ask what he was drinking. Ask for some Advice for a new part to your workout.

    ANYTHING JUST GET THE CONVERSATION MOVING.

    Maybe he's also just as scared of approaching guys or girls for dates. If he's not into it, he'll hopefully keep his cool about it, and not throw a tantrum or anything ;)

    The underlined bit is something that will happen at somepoint, but if you wanna have good memories about college, you gotta TRY. Look into the college clubs and if there is one, join the GSA. There might not be dating material, but they have friends, and on top of that, networking is a good thing to do anyways ;)

    Hopefully this doesn't fall on deaf ears icon_sad.gif
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Jul 01, 2011 5:35 AM GMT
    Don't apologize for any part of your post. You aren't the first to wonder these things, and you won't be the last, but that doesn't matter: you needed a place to ask, and you found one here. It took a lot of guts to post what you posted, and I'm glad that you did it.

    It sounds like most of your anxiety comes from the fact that you're still in the closet. I remember those days; it was absolute fucking terror every moment of every day, wondering what would happen if somebody found out I was gay. In retrospect, I was the source of my own terror, and the longer I stayed in the closet the worse it got - but then I came out, and the agony subsided. Don't rush it, by any means, but believe me when I say that I should have done it sooner.

    You should definitely re-read what SexyN3rd and stratavos posted; they both have good advice. I especially like what SexyN3rd said about coming out for your own sake - you'll waste your life if you wait for The Perfect Man™, but if you come out for yourself then it will be worth it - and what stratavos said about joining a GSA or another gay organization of some kind - if nothing else, then you'll be surrounded by people who know exactly what you're going through.

    Just remember to breathe, and you'll be OK. OK?
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    Jul 01, 2011 5:58 AM GMT
    I have big goals and stuff and I don't want to loose it all because of a gay relationship

    Eventually, this comes to a head. I had this attitude in the army when I was 19 and I ended up finding the "perfect relationship" with a guy in my platoon. It didn't matter that it was perfect in the end, because the first relationship is rarely the "forever" relationship, but it was perfect for me at the time.

    At some point, you have to take the risk and the only thing you lose by waiting is time. You can push off the risk and confusion and pain of coming out to later, but it won't change that it has to be done. It just makes the adjustment time longer, takes longer to smooth the ripples.

    Being gay doesn't have to define you or interrupt your life goals, but if you stay in the closet, it can become an obsession. Especially at 18. Sex is a big deal to all of us, but not new to most of us.

    If your particular situation gains you time that you need for a dream, then chase the dream first, otherwise just come out and get it over with so you can focus more energy on the other things that matter. But don't think this doesn't matter - it sure does.
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    Jul 01, 2011 6:19 AM GMT
    Who isn't confused at 18?
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    Jul 01, 2011 6:53 AM GMT
    The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself.

    And that's worth getting out of the closet for.

    Living an inauthentic life will lead to sorrow, depression, lack of fulfillment, and hurt.

    I think everyone can agree that there are no greater aspirations that anyone could possibly have than to live a life that is healthy and happy.

    All the best.
  • makhot

    Posts: 43

    Jul 01, 2011 8:39 AM GMT
    Sadly there is no perfect guy, you will soon learn this. Comming out is personal, for personal reasons, and if you structure it around someone you are in for an insanely tough time. I used to have my goals before happiness and trust me they were big (political big) but if the people who have lived longer than me have taught me anything, its that you want to come out young before you build a life that you hate and resent, because things that seem important at 18 wont in a few years. Strangely my goals have changed, they are in most ways better icon_smile.gif

    the sooner you realize that success is happiness the better.........
    hope this helps icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 01, 2011 8:54 AM GMT
    You're obviously just waiting for Mr Right which is great! it's common that we start off using the whole I'll come out for the right guy thing. For most of us strait and gay our first doesn't always stay our first forever, but some are indeed lucky. So, good luck. You seem like a nice guy. If only we can see how you look! icon_question.gif
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    Jul 01, 2011 10:03 AM GMT
    Sounds like you need to decide what is going to make you happy, doing what society expects is usually the wrong answer icon_razz.gif
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    Jul 01, 2011 10:29 AM GMT
    First and foremost, you need to do what is right for you! I came out when I was 20 because it was the right thing for me to do at that stage in my life. I can honestly say that I was lucky to be surrounded with people that loved me no matter what, but that doesn't mean I still wasn't scared. Being raised in Pennsyltucky, by conservative, religious republicans...I had my bags packed and ready to go. Once I told them, a weight was lifted and I have never been happier with who I was, and how I was living my life.

    In my case I thought the same as you about having to find that right person, until I realized I was lying to people and friends about who I was. When I realized all the times I lied to mysel;f and others it made me feel even worse about being gay. Coming out was honestly the best thing that I could have done and I am now proud of who/what I am.

    But in all honestly, it varies from person to person, and you have to do what is right by you. I didn't even kiss a guy until I was 20 so you are way ahead of me. Just take your time, test the waters, and learn to do what is right by you....not by others.
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    Jul 01, 2011 11:48 AM GMT
    Flame1293 saidAlthough it would be awkward to just smile and say hi, after an hour of a serious workout face.


    Haha. Just keep on giving him your serious workout face. It sounds as though he likes it.
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    Jul 01, 2011 12:03 PM GMT
    You have already read some very good advice. The only thing I would add is that because 1. you seem to be very articulate, 2. you're becoming more self-aware and 3. you're willing to face this head on, I predict that this will go well for you. I didn't say it would be easy, but the ends will justify the means. You'll be glad you decided to put yourself first, and you'll be glad when you come to terms with the fact that what other people think really doesn't matter.

    Keep going. You're gonna be fine. We've all been through this, in one way or another, and it's our own Red badge of Courage. Straight men have nothing to compare.
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    Jul 01, 2011 12:10 PM GMT
    Woah thanks a lot everyone, I feel so special hahaha. Nah, but seriously, it really helps. I'll definitely have to sit on this. It sucks because I know there will be a point where all my views change... but it hasn't happened yet haha. Anyway, this seems like a good community, I'll stick around for a bit. Thanks again.