Help me please. SO-OCD

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 02, 2011 5:37 PM GMT
    Hello Guys!! I'm new here. I found this forum because I want to share my story with you. I'm happy that it's for gay men, as I regard myself gay. If someone knows how to help me, I would greatly appreciate that! I think gay men will understand better the thing I'm going through.

    It started all of a sudden in August 2009 - I mean the OCD. Here is the story: As I told you earlier I think (and hope) I am homosexual. I've always thought like this. I really love guys, being intimate with them and so on. In 2007 (I was 21 y.o. then) I found one guy with whom I was for a month. We hadn't been intimate, though we tried (my penis did not get hard) - nothing happened, and it was mainly kissing. We broke up (he was betrayed by his former boyfriend and he said he wasn't able to love anyone anymore), I wasn't attracted to him very much, because he mentioned his former boyfriend all the time. The same year, in July I found a new guy (or he found me) by a sort of gay community network. Soon we met in his city. I was intimate with him twice (in fact he was a top). I asked him about the safe sex thing but he said he was healthy so I believed him (so fool of me) and let him fuck me. I liked it. But, when we were intimate, I wasn't aroused (me penis wasn't hard) at all. Even during blow job my penis wouldn't get erect. He said maybe I'm impotent. I was shocked and ashamed. He began to compare me with his previous 4 boyfriends saying that he hadn't had such problems with former boyfriends. It was tragic news for me. It was my first time so his words got deep into my mind and hurt me. Sadly, he even said that perhaps I was attracted to girls but then, he said he had been joking. After 1.5 months I broke up with him feeling humiliated (I gave him pleasure, blow jobs and so on, and he treated me in such way). After that I fell ill with sinusitis and began to fear I might have been infected with hiv. After 2 months I went to a clinic to get tested. Fortunately the results said I was healthy. But the ideas he put inside me began to develop. I started to fear that I might be hetero as he said. After some time, I started to view pictures of naked girls to reassure myself I wouldn't get aroused. And it didn't arouse me at all. Also I began to fear of getting infected with hiv, looking at paving stones for signs of blood spills, fearing touching various things in trains and so on. My fear of being hetero diminished but the fear of contamination escalated. I promised myself not to get involved with any other men for the fear of being ridiculed etc. I started to watch porn of any kind, knowing I wouldn't get involved with anyone in reality. I also watched straight porn, but ALWAYS, ALWAYS admired the guys and their cocks. I really loved it. In August 2009 after being convinced by my friends (I had mainly female friends who knew about my sexuality) to find a boyfriend, I found one guy (6 years younger) and an older guy who was bisexual. The younger guy didn't look attractive at first so I continued the relationship with the older one (who was [as I remember] 5 years older). Later the same month I saw another picture of the younger one and then he looked attractive. I stopped instant messaging with the older guy that much and began to do it with the younger one. After some time it turned out he had been left by his former boyfriend and wanted to commit suicide the same year in May. As our relationship developed I began to see how infantile he really was. I didn’t want to continue this relationship BUT I started to fear that if I had left him he might have committed suicide. SO I began to fear that I might lose my sexual identity, that is homosexual orientation and become heterosexual. I also dreaded waking up the next day and realizing I wasn’t gay anymore. At this time I developed nightmarish obsessions which run to this day. I mainly had (and have) mental images of women’s genitals (which I used then to reassure myself I wasn’t becoming hetero) but soon they went out of control. It is so disgusting. I'm having mainly mental images of women to see if I’m attracted to them, if I get aroused by them and so on. My obsession was "greatly' reinforced or fueled by the images of women I had seen. Moreover I visited straight porn sites to find out whether I would be aroused by images of vagina and the like icon_sad.gif. Also in September-December 2009 (I think) I had clinical depression. I thought about committing suicide all the time. It was unbearable even to hear a woman on the radio. I didn’t look for professional help. I was too ashamed (and am). I’ve had this nightmare for almost 2 years now. My life became a living hell. Earlier I was always smiling and happy, helping other people. Now everyday is a real torment. I am on herbal supplements ;( Guys believe me, I would give all I have to be the person I had been ;( I received support only from online psychologists, who told me I have OCD and/or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Although, I know it is Sexual Orientation Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It happens to hetero guys too, who fear of becoming or being gay and they call it HOCD. But I have reverse HOCD. So I better call it SO-OCD. Sometimes the thoughts are so scaring even about animals or children that I feel like a pervert and want to commit suicide (I even had obsession of having my own children, but I know I can't do it with a woman).

    Thank you for your attention reading my sad story. I hope you understand me, although English isn't my mother tongue. I love you guys icon_cry.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jul 03, 2011 12:15 AM GMT
    being gay isn't easy and you don't need to be perfect. Cut yourself some slack.
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    Jul 03, 2011 12:36 AM GMT
    I would suggest you see a therapist or somebody else you can talk to in person. You can work through this and bring it under control, but you will need help to do so. Good luck to you. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 03, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    Well, you went out with someone with serious problems that was also aggressive with those problems and afflicted you.

    He planted seeds of doubt and fear everywhere he could and feeling for him the way you did you were very vulnerable to this kind of manipulation.

    Learn to take what others say when they become mean with a GIANT grain of salt.

    a hug, and another hug

    -Doug

    Oh what the heck, another hug!


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    Jul 03, 2011 9:18 AM GMT
    Thank you GUYS. No doubt you're AWESOME!! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 03, 2011 9:34 AM GMT
    Go to a doctor in person, not online 'consults'.

    Your psychological problems need to be properly monitored and treated by a certified specialist who you visit regularly.

    You should also get physical/hormonal tests to rule out the distinct possibility that your lack of ANY physical arousal isn't also due a physical impediment.

    You need to be pro-active and brave enough to ask for help from your real (not online) doctor who may refer you to a specialist, depending on what the root of the problem is.
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    Jul 03, 2011 12:20 PM GMT
    The problem is also, as far as physical arousal is concerned, that I've got used to my own hand and watching online gay movies instead of a real life experience. It developed mostly in the last years. Therefore, I fear any contact with other guys (I fear I won't be aroused enough and therefore laughed at again). In fact, when I was with that guy who abused me in 2007, he told me, that I can top for him. I got really hard but then, he looked at me and said: "you're not hard enough, I fear you will hurt me" or something like this. So I was confused, because I was very hard. Maybe he feared that my penis was too big for him (but I don't think so; it's 7")?!?. Right now I do not have many problems with physical arousal - the problem lies mostly in my psyche and high level of anxiety. Also, I noticed that after eating whey protein concentrate I felt better. Right now I'm trying some physical exercise, although I'm quite weak in comparison to the situation before I fell ill. Mostly weight-lifting and gymnastics. I tried herbal hormonal supplements like fenugreek and Tribulus Terrestris. I must admit that after taking them I experienced 1st wet dream (I was aware of) in my life, aged 25 (almost 26). So there may be something wrong with my hormones. Also I'm taking Brahmi, Ashwaganda, sometimes 5-HTP (helps greatly but sometimes I have nose-bleeds), L-Glutamine (to raise lvls of GABA), vitamin B complex, chelated magnesium, zinc and potassium, fish oil and the like. I'm quite desperate to find some real help. I'm Polish but I read lots of English OCD self-help books like Brain Lock, Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts and so on. At first I even didn't realize I had OCD. The matter why I didn't go to a real therapist is that I find my obsessions may look quite weird. But the fact that they created living hell out of my life means they are ego-dystonic and I feel they are foreign to me. Guys, thank you for your help and compassion. I appreciate that VERY much. Any further comments are welcome.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    Do you have any problem staying hard while masturbating? If not, your problem is almost certainly psychological, not physical.
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    Jul 03, 2011 1:00 PM GMT
    • You need to see a therapist IN PERSON. Trust me.....what you're going through is boring to most therapists! That's like avoiding going to a medical doctor because you're ashamed your cough might offend him!

    • Herbs are drugs too. And the more herbs you combine together, the more of a chance you have of creating an imbalance in your body (and brain.) Chill with all the herbs and focus on something you can do mentally such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.)

    • OCD is a cycle. It continues to spiral out of control because it simultaneously feeds itself while it's happening. The key to beating OCD is to circumvent the cycle. You break the cycle and the OCD goes away. Of course this is easier said than done, but trust me, it can be done.

    • Get this book: http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=feeling+good+handbook&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=6355938506902526530&sa=X&ei=6WQQTrqdEeLv0gHyjcX6DQ&ved=0CDAQ8wIwAQ The thing about this book is the cheesy title is a turn-off to many people, but it's the best self help book you will find. Many therapists instruct their patients to buy this book. Problem is.....reading the book will do nothing for you. You must do the exercises for it to work.

    • Fighting OCD the way you've been doing it only makes it worse. You cannot beat yourself up over OCD. It will get VERY bad if you do. When compulsive thoughts arise, just watch and listen to them as if they were a pesky child. You wouldn't beat up a child who was irritating you so do the same here.

    • Stop jumping into relationships. Try circuler dating, which just means you CASUALLY date a couple of different guys at once. When one guy starts to show signs of red flags, drop him and pick up another guy to date. I would also avoid having sex with any of these guys. I think part of your problem is you're having feelings of obligation and pressure to perform. Since you can jack off when alone, this seem like the logical conclusion.

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    Jul 03, 2011 2:29 PM GMT
    LukePL saidAfter 2 months I went to a clinic to get tested. Fortunately the results said I was healthy.
    Hopefully, you have been retested. Two months may not be enough time for the virus to manifest itself.

    There's much in the way of good advice in the responses. I wish you well in finding a comfortable equilibrium.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    When this continues for months and interfers with your life, it is time to seek professional help. Fortunately, a thearpist good at this can get it under control in a matter of months - by giving you ways of coping with it and contolling it. For me, years ago it was crippling. Behavorial thearpy and 10 mg of prozac (yea, the average pdoc will say that is too little, but they are learning) knocked the OCD out and put it in its place so it was manageable. And don't listen to people who poo-poo it, it is real.

    If you have not had a complete physical in a while that may also be in order to make sure you are not deficient in anything (vitami D for example) and have your thyroid checked.
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    Jul 03, 2011 6:20 PM GMT
    In fact, I don't have any problems while masturbating. I'm hard and reach orgasm without difficulty. The problem appears however, when I have/anticipate obsessions. The anxiety lowers my libido. Sometimes I have an urge, an impulse to masturbate to the images which are mentally created by my obsession. I try not to masturbate then. Sometimes my anxiety causes me to masturbate to ease inner pain. It's like vicious circle. But I really miss being with a guy. However, I fear forming a new relationship. Sometimes I want to reassure myself by watching gay porn - to find out if it still arouses me. In the past guys aroused me more but when I view porn this is lowered.