Boyfriend Problem

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 02, 2011 9:38 PM GMT
    Hey Guys,

    I need some opinions on a problem I have been having with my current boyfriend of six months and I would greatly appreciated if you guys could tell me what you think.

    Me and my bf have been together since January and I have never met a guy before him whom I have had such a great connection with. We have a lot of things in common, we get along really great and we make each other really happy.

    However, ever since I got a 4 1/2 year relationship where the person I was with lied and cheated on me I have had a big issue with trust. I told him this since the very beginning and told him as well that I was willing to try my hardest to trust him and make myself a better person for him so that we could make things work. So we began going out and things were fine up until he started getting angry at me and lashing out for my problem. I know what I do because of my problem and I know what I have to do to fix it but if anyone knows how it works, its really not that easy. Its not something you can just get rid of it overnight. So we started getting into arguments mostly because he couldnt understand what I was going through and what he needed to do to help me. It was impossible to get through to him, everything I said went in through one ear and out the other. So it was the same arguments over and over again.

    Lately tho, the arguments have escalated and have gotten a lot worse. I dont know why, but they have. He doesnt ever want to talk, he doesnt listen, he raises his voice at me, yells, and is just very disrespectful. And when we do get to talking he just acts like he doesnt care and like such an asshole. He makes smartass remarks back to me and sounds completely sarcastic. Its like he cant hold a serious conversation with me. Hes 23 years old and acts so immature. Yesterday things were fine and I was feeling down and he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was feeling anxious and that I am tired of feeling like this and wish that this feeling could go away. So then he started talking about how maybe he doesnt think we should be together because he doesnt want to answer to me anymore, etc etc. But I know I am not controlling, I dont ask him to report to me everytime he does something but when youre in a relationship you kind of tell everything to that other person. You tell them if youre going somewhere, if you have some plans, and just small things like that and I have gotten mad at him a few times for not letting me know that he was gonna go out to the bar with his coworker or his best friend and that just bothers me. Its not a big deal, I would just like to know. I do it automatically with him whenever I go anywhere so whats the big deal? Yesterday tho he said something to me along the lines of, well you would get mad at me if some of my classmates invited me to go to a club on a saturday night and you wouldnt let me. And I said, its not that I wouldnt let you because you can do whatever you want, but I have told you that I feel uncomfortable you going to a club and bothered by it cuz youre in a relationship with me and to me clubs arent for single people. And then he started yelling at me and raising his voice at me saying that I am the only person that feels like that and that no one else would care, so I asked him to get a second opinion on that and he asked his friend and as he was texting him he especifically said, if you had a bf and he wanted to go out to a gay club, would it bother you or make you uncomfortable or mad? and when he said gay club it made me even more mad cuz now that was a bigger deal for me. And he also said that he would make sure to text me the whole time and I was like so youre gonna go to a club and youre gonna sit there and text me the whole time to make sure I dont get mad at you? and he said yeah...

    So am I wrong for being bothered by the fact that he wants to go to a gay club with a bunch of his classmates (some of whom are gay themselves) for a night? Or am I wrong for feeling that way? Cuz trust or no trust, I would be bothered by it either way. I feel like as long as youre in a relationship theres no reason to be going to a club, I dont mind going to a bar or grabbing a couple of drinks but a club? And what about me having trust issues? Is he being understanding enough? Or am I at fault?

    Thanks Guys!
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Jul 02, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    Uh. hm..

    I think you got him feeling trapped. I'd say the normal amount of time for you to trust him would be about 6 months to a year, and it's not a year yet. I was in a relationship with a guy for 7 months, then I find out that I was 1 of 7 guys. It was really hard for me to trust my next boyfriend because of that. I had to give my boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. The only reason I had to not trust him was the fact that I was hurt by someone else, so I felt it wasn't fair. It took me at least 5 months to actually trust mine. He didn't give me any reason not to trust him, at all.

    With your boyfriend, it sounds like he's fed up of not being trusted. Whether or not he knew you had trust issues in the beginning, I can see why he would be upset. That being said, he should also be aware on your feelings and give you all the details upfront so you had no reason to be suspicious of him.

    If someone constantly grills you about where you're going, who you're going to be with, how long you'll be out, every single detail.. you'll get upset. Try to cool it down and give him a bit of space. I'm not saying you should fully trust him, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt a bit more. You could actually be pushing him away without realizing it and if something does end up happening, it could be your fault. Anyway, good luck!
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    Jul 03, 2011 2:28 AM GMT
    All I am going to highlight, is this:

    Newavesrfr said
    but I have told you that I feel uncomfortable you going to a club and bothered by it cuz youre in a relationship with me and to me clubs arent for single people.


    That is your opinion and view of this, and it is said in an absolute manner. I know several people who like clubs because they are fun. Clubs are for single people? That's complete and utter poppy cock. I can go to them and have an amazing time without so much as even talking to another guy. You may feel like you are, but through this entire paragraph all I saw was you taking how you feel and using it as the only interpretation of what is acceptable.

    You are restricting him quite unfairly, and the fact that you say "I can't help how I feel" will make it worse. That is infuriating to most because it says "I know it doesn't make sense, but it is my feelings and I refuse to ignore my own feelings to make you happy for this". It's selfish in a way.

    I hate to say this, but you need to work through your trust issues A LOT more before you can hold together a relationship without allowing narrow feelings getting in the way. I would not blame him if he left you. That being said, it does seem like he is over reacting. I also get the sense though that you seldom show much emotion about this. For most, that will make someone MORE angry.

    Take some respite to reflect on your own for a while, and heal past these issues. It's not hard and you will feel much better and a more whole of a person once you get through this icon_smile.gif.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:35 AM GMT
    Newavesrfr saidSo am I wrong for being bothered by the fact that he wants to go to a gay club with a bunch of his classmates (some of whom are gay themselves) for a night? Or am I wrong for feeling that way? Cuz trust or no trust, I would be bothered by it either way. I feel like as long as youre in a relationship theres no reason to be going to a club, I dont mind going to a bar or grabbing a couple of drinks but a club? And what about me having trust issues? Is he being understanding enough? Or am I at fault?

    Thanks Guys!

    You're not ready for Prime Time. Try again in a few years. In the meantime, this current relationship is likely over. I hear nothing positive going on, in either direction. Sorry... icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 10:47 AM GMT
    I have to agree with the others though I know where you are coming from. But really, you may not think you're being controlling but to your boyfriend, it sounds like it to him most likely. I have a feeling that your relationship might not last that much longer if the fighting continues. The only advice I can give is to try and trust you bf. Give him his space and don't grind him so much... That's really all I can say... I do hope things work itself out though...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    All I can say is:

    When you are ready for a relationship you will meet the Right person that is equally ready.


    Clubs.Gay.Classmate.Text.What???? None of that will matter when you are truly 'ready' for a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    I agree with the guys here. You might want to consider working on your past issues before involving yourself with another. Doesn't holding on to the past require more negative energy than being emotionally available?

    Just because he wants a night out with friends a a gay club or any club isn't a bad thing. Now if it was 4 times a week, yea it would bother me, but it's just having a good time alone with friends. This is healthy and not asking to much. I have been with my partner of 5 years, if he wants to go out for a fun night drinking,tipping the strippers... Go have fun as I do when I'm out. We are usually always together, but I get that he wants friend time too as do I. The difference is that i trust him and I know he comes back home to me.

    I would consider seeing a therapist with this guy if he is willing, or it actually sounds like he is already heading out the door on his own and been giving you hints by arguing with you more often. He feels suffocated.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jul 03, 2011 1:21 PM GMT
    IMO, it's "time to move on".

    neither one of ya'll are ready for the other.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    I agree with the others. You need to deal with your trust issues before trying to develop a relationship.

    When two people come together, they still need their own time. You have two individuals that remain individuals. When two people think every waking moment of every day (outside work) has to be spent together, one will often feel suffocated.

    Give him his space. If he wants to go have fun with friends, let him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don't get mad. Learn to trust him until he gives you a reason not to trust him.

    It can be equally hard for a person to deal with not being trusted as it is for the other to trust. If I was him, I would call it off with you if you can't trust by now, unless I gave you reason not to trust.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Newavesrfr saidSo am I wrong for being bothered by the fact that he wants to go to a gay club with a bunch of his classmates (some of whom are gay themselves) for a night? Or am I wrong for feeling that way? Cuz trust or no trust, I would be bothered by it either way. I feel like as long as youre in a relationship theres no reason to be going to a club, I dont mind going to a bar or grabbing a couple of drinks but a club? And what about me having trust issues? Is he being understanding enough? Or am I at fault?

    Thanks Guys!

    You're not ready for Prime Time. Try again in a few years. In the meantime, this current relationship is likely over. I hear nothing positive going on, in either direction. Sorry... icon_sad.gif



    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 1:06 AM GMT
    Thank you to all of you for your advice and opinions.

    Honestly, I know that you guys might not think I am ready for a relationship, but ever since I got out of the 4 1/2 year relationship in which I was deeply hurt I have come a long way before going out and pursuing another relationship. This trust issue is the only thing holding me back at this point and it is the hardest thing I have tried doing to better myself. Its not as easy as you guys might think. With him though its been a lot easier than it has been before. I have definitely made a lot of progress and the reason I know I am ready to get into a relationship again is because I am willing to better myself for him. Im willing to give 100% into doing it so that we can be together. But this whole trust issue thing has taken completely over me. I feel anxious all the time. Any time I am not doing anything like swimming, running, cycling, or just keeping myself busy my mind wonders to all the wrong places and I start making up these worst case scenarios in my head about what he could be doing and how scared I am to get hurt again, but those other times Im not sitting around I am completely fine. As soon as I sit and have a few minutes to myself tho, it all just comes back. And at this point, I have no idea what to do anymore to try and make these trust issues go away. I was never like this before and I completely hate it. I was a completely different guy and never used to care this much about what another person was doing. I know what I am doing to this relationship. I have accepted the fact that most of it is completely my fault and I have apologized to him many times for doing this to him and putting him through it. He says that he's here for me, but sometimes I just dont see or feel that. I feel like I am alone in this situation and I dont know who to turn to anymore. I feel like breaking down and crying most of the time because I know this is not who I am and I wish I could be the guy I once was and I am scared that Im gonna drive him away. I truly care about him and I dont want to lose him. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    Newavesrfr, stop living in fear. Instead, make decisions and take actions TO TRUST, that embody trust, that nurture trust. You're just spiraling because you're living in fear of your past recreating itself; and the more you focus on that, the more your present will indeed recreate the past.

    Today is not yesterday. And tomorrow is not yesterday. Today is now, and tomorrow will be what you do today.

    So let the past go. Choose to trust in the present. And envision an amazing future. icon_biggrin.gif

    When the person you're with can see that, then he can have more respect for you. Without trust in self and others, there is no respect of either, how can you expect it in return? icon_eek.gif
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    Jul 04, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    Give ur boyfriend the space he wants. If he really loves u he will start missing ur bitchiness. Don't be so demanding, we all have a different point of view about life in general based on our past experience. What's wrong to u might not be necessarily wrong to him and that doesn't make any of u right. Give each other space to breath, keep on showing him love but don't suffocate him so much.
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    Jul 04, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    TerraFirma saidNewavesrfr, stop living in fear. Instead, make decisions and take actions TO TRUST, that embody trust, that nurture trust. You're just spiraling because you're living in fear of your past recreating itself; and the more you focus on that, the more your present will indeed recreate the past.

    Today is not yesterday. And tomorrow is not yesterday. Today is now, and tomorrow will be what you do today.

    So let the past go. Choose to trust in the present. And envision an amazing future. icon_biggrin.gif

    When the person you're with can see that, then he can have more respect for you. Without trust in self and others, there is no respect of either, how can you expect it in return? icon_eek.gif


    Thank you for this! That really makes a lot of sense to me and is something I feel like will really help me. Thank you!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    Bro I think you have every right to feel you're bf shouldn't go to a singles club gay or not when he is in a relationship. I would feel the same as you. If you are in a relationship why would you want to go to a place where you know the main reason people go their is to pick up other people and I don't care if he say that why he's not going there.

    I think its disrespectful to you. I think its fine to hang out with his friends for a night but not a single club.