What are you supposed to do when you and your boyfriend take a "break" with no concrete prospects of getting back together?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    Here's our story.

    My boyfriend and I met on the internet when I was in my first year of medical school. We live in different states (4 hours apart), but I was able to spend my entire 2 month summer with him before starting my second year of school. Since then, we have been visiting each other every 3 weeks or so throughout the year. After my second year ended, I had 2 weeks free, so I went on vacation with him for a few days, and then spent the rest of the time hanging out at his house while he went to work everyday. He told me he wished it could always be like that...that it was, for lack of a better word, perfect.

    2 days ago (just a week after our vacation), he called me and told me that we should take a "break" because he can't deal with having his heart ripped out every time I leave. I won't be done with school for another 2 years, and that is just too long for him to keep doing this. He loves me sooooo much and he says he isn't strong enough to live without me for all those weeks in between the short weekends when we're together. Its not fair to either of us (his words).


    ANYWAYS, the thing is....after I finish medical school, I need to do residency somewhere. While we were still together, I was planning on trying to get into the best program I could near him, but now....I'm so lost.

    Am I supposed to try to have a relationship with someone else? I can't imagine living without having my guy in my life...I've been crying for nearly 2 days straight. Should I still try to get residency near him and hope that he's still single and willing to be with me again? Should I forget him completely? He is the love of my life!!!! icon_sad.gif

    Someone please help me...

    (He says that where I do residency should have nothing to do with him...I should simply try to get into the best possible program I am able, no matter where it is in the country. Realistically, though, most people take location into account. For me, being with this guy = happiness.)
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 03, 2011 2:18 PM GMT
    Focus on your school and career at this point, it seems he can't handle this and when you get into your residency he'll see you even less - even if you live in the same city.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    that's not true, we only work 80hrs/week on average....so i'll see him plenty (if we live int he same city)
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:28 PM GMT

    Well, it's a little confusing to me that he'd rather do without you than have you part-time. I guess I'm part of the some is better than none crowd.


    Does he know that parting after each visit is just as hard for you as it has been for him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:33 PM GMT
    What ever his excuse he wants out.

    Move on, he's The love of your life right now.

    Otherwise, demand you two talk in person, resolve the problems tell him he needs to be more understanding and better able to control his feelings and that with patience everything will come together.

    And I know a few doctors, sure 80 hours a week, then there is the almost constant inset of exhaustion, the running around trying to organize your life, the call backs, the well.. Shot load of everything else.

    He'll need to accept he will not get to spend tons of time with you. But it's not quantity that counts
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    Of course he knows its hard for me too, but I really don't think its THAT bad, certainly not worth ending the relationship over. The first couple times, it was terrible, but I've since gotten used to it. Looking forward to seeing him again each month always helped me get through the rough patches...but now I have nothing. I feel so horrible, so empty. Will this go away by Tuesday? I start my rotations in the hospital then and need to be normal again....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:41 PM GMT
    Does he know this?

    "Looking forward to seeing him again each month always helped me get through the rough patches...but now I have nothing."

    Apologies for the constant questions, but it helps me decide how to advise you.

    -Doug
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    Jul 03, 2011 2:43 PM GMT
    meninlove said Does he know this?

    "Looking forward to seeing him again each month always helped me get through the rough patches...but now I have nothing."

    Apologies for the constant questions, but it helps me decide how to advise you.

    -Doug


    i don't think i've ever said those exact words to him, but I always told him how much I miss him and how much I can't wait to see him again.

    I can't tell him anything anymore, because since yesterday, we've cut off ALL forms of communication.
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    Jul 03, 2011 3:23 PM GMT


    "I can't tell him anything anymore, because since yesterday, we've cut off ALL forms of communication."

    Oh no. I thought you guys were just taking a break from the relationship, which to me meant still keeping in touch.

    I think he should know how this has affected you, and you should tell him how much his love got you through times when you were apart.

    BUT...

    Liltanker made a really good point. Whatever his reasons, he wants out.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 3:29 PM GMT
    I refuse to contact him, it'll only make the pain worse for both of us. If staying in a long-distance relationship with me was that painful for him, then I certainly don't want that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't make him stay with me.

    What I'm asking now, though, is whether I should just completely forget about him and try to date other guys? Or should I just have casual sex or friends-with-benefits for 2 years and then hope to reunite with him? I don't think I'll ever find someone else like him...

    He's 26 and has been with many guys, but hasn't loved any of them other than me, so maybe he'll still be single in 2 years? I know all of this is wishful thinking, but I'm totally lost right now....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 3:49 PM GMT
    Did you two make an agreement or have an understanding that you'd wait for each other?

    If you didn't then I'd go ahead and date other men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 4:15 PM GMT
    All he said was, "if you get into residency at _____ (the school near him), I'll be there"

    He told me to go meet some other guys where I am...I told him I didn't want to, he said he didn't want me to either. (all parties crying at this point)

    When I asked him if this "break" was for two years, he said "i can't answer that."

    He says he hopes we'll meet again.

    I don't even know where to start looking for another guy, especially since I'm gonna be in the hospital for most of my waking hours
  • musclmed

    Posts: 3279

    Jul 03, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    sadgaydoc87 saidAll he said was, "if you get into residency at _____ (the school near him), I'll be there"

    He told me to go meet some other guys where I am...I told him I didn't want to, he said he didn't want me to either. (all parties crying at this point)

    When I asked him if this "break" was for two years, he said "i can't answer that."

    He says he hopes we'll meet again.

    I don't even know where to start looking for another guy, especially since I'm gonna be in the hospital for most of my waking hours


    the story is oddly very similar to my own story , although the person I dated at the time ended up cheating on me first then did the "break" thing.

    Although the distance from med-school to my hometown was only about 40 miles and I was home alot.

    I would say, dont give up.... I know where you are coming from. This guy is from the story you told displaying some fairly disturbing passive/aggressive personality traits that maybe not worth it for the future.

    For my part I had a year boyfriendless from my 3rd year till mid Intern year at my Residency.

    I know live with my partner for ( 13 years *Aug 11*) we moved across the country together.

    Your stress level is going to increase exponentially soon. Dont focus on "how do I find a boyfriend" You need to keep busy and if the right person comes along it will.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 6:48 PM GMT
    I live in Vancouver and my boyfriend is in med school in Brisbane, so there are a lot of similarities between our relationships. That being said, we had about 3 years together in the same city before he moved away, so we had a fairly solid foundation. He's now been gone for over 2.5 years.

    I can tell you that it is extremely difficult and heart-wrenching to see my boyfriend for a week or two at a time every three months, only to have to leave again at the end of it.

    Unlike what all the others guys have said, who I don't think have been in this situation and probably don't realize the implications that being in med school in itself might have on this situation, as opposed to just living apart for work, etc. I urge you to be patient with your boyfriend and as understanding as possible. You are in a very difficult, stressful problem that keeps your mind focused most of the time. I'm not sure what your boyfriend does, but he probably does not have the luxury of being so busy that his mind is preoccupied; he probably notices the time you spend apart much more than you. You need to realize that this situation is as, if not way more difficult for him than it is for you.

    That being said, there is an advantage that you have; med school is only a finite amount of time - after four years it's done. Sure you have your residency period, but that's only two years (unless you're specializing) and there is the possibility you can do it in the same city as him.

    I won't lie; the circumstances are extremely difficult and it is very hard to maintain a relationship like this - cracks will appear. I almost cheated on my boyfriend six months ago. I stopped myself at the last minute and talked to my bf the next day. we decided we should try an open relationship for a bit - so far, things have improved.

    The other thing that has saved our relationship is skype; we chat for about an hour every day before I go to bed - with the time difference, he's just getting home from clinical around that time.

    I'm not saying you should have an open relationship or anything, I'm just saying that if you love this guy and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you need to be prepared to bend a little and try anything; desperate times call for desperate measures.

    But most importantly, and I'm not saying you haven't done this, is that you come to the table with the understanding that this is just as much if not harder for him than it is for you. If you do that and make it clear to him, then you will have a much better shot at figuring something out.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 6:59 PM GMT
    as someone who is in a relationship with a MD, and is also applying to med school, I would say cut your losses(for now).

    Finish med school, get into the best residency program you can, and at that point, if you and your current(ex) are both single and in the same location, give it another shot.

    But for the time being I would try to focus on your upcoming rotations and put dating on the back burner.

    if you want to mess around, go for it, but I dont think its fair to you(or the guy you are dating) if you try to squeeze a relationship into the mix. someone/something will suffer from a lack of attention.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jul 03, 2011 7:06 PM GMT
    he gave you you're answer.

    (He says that where I do residency should have nothing to do with him...I should simply try to get into the best possible program I am able, no matter where it is in the country.


    When I asked him if this "break" was for two years, he said "i can't answer that."

    He says he hopes we'll meet again.


    If he was a committed as you are he would want to move or you to move closer to him.

    You're 24 and still so young. Obviously he has put thought into saying this and maybe he can possibly see a future with or without you. He may be saying to do this because he wants the best for your career, OR he is looking down the road and thinking if it doesn't work out he doesn't want you to throw it up in his face or ever hear "I relocated or changed my life your you."

    A close friend of mine moved to NC to be with a man that was going to settle there finish med.school and start a career. She moved away from her family in NYC all her friends just to be with him. The difference being they BOTH wanted to do this with all their hearts. They are married with 2 kids now. He still works so much, he has his own practice and has hospital rounds and surgury, she doesn't seem really happy to me when we talk.icon_rolleyes.gif

    I agree with the post above finish school that should be your main priority now.

    good luck with your decision-peace
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    Jul 04, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    sadgaydoc87 saidI refuse to contact him, it'll only make the pain worse for both of us. If staying in a long-distance relationship with me was that painful for him, then I certainly don't want that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't make him stay with me.....

    Giving you that kind of news over the phone is kind of rough. Maybe he couldn't handle it in person. Could you put aside your refusal to contact him and suggest another week-end together to help talk things out in person and achieve some closure, if that's what it has to be. If he refuses even that, you pretty much have your answer.
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    Jul 04, 2011 12:35 AM GMT
    socalfitness said
    sadgaydoc87 saidI refuse to contact him, it'll only make the pain worse for both of us. If staying in a long-distance relationship with me was that painful for him, then I certainly don't want that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't make him stay with me.....

    Giving you that kind of news over the phone is kind of rough. Maybe he couldn't handle it in person. Could you put aside your refusal to contact him and suggest another week-end together to help talk things out in person and achieve some closure, if that's what it has to be. If he refuses even that, you pretty much have your answer.


    actually, he told me that he didn't want to do this over the phone and would've liked to meet up with me one last time, but I told him that meeting up with him only to break up would absolutely kill me. I'm the one that refused.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 12:38 AM GMT
    sadgaydoc87 said
    socalfitness said
    sadgaydoc87 saidI refuse to contact him, it'll only make the pain worse for both of us. If staying in a long-distance relationship with me was that painful for him, then I certainly don't want that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't make him stay with me.....

    Giving you that kind of news over the phone is kind of rough. Maybe he couldn't handle it in person. Could you put aside your refusal to contact him and suggest another week-end together to help talk things out in person and achieve some closure, if that's what it has to be. If he refuses even that, you pretty much have your answer.

    actually, he told me that he didn't want to do this over the phone and would've liked to meet up with me one last time, but I told him that meeting up with him only to break up would absolutely kill me. I'm the one that refused.

    I'd just suggest reconsider. Might give you some closure or even figure out a way to kind of put your relationship on hold. It's obviously killing you now, so what is there to lose?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 12:54 AM GMT
    socalfitness said
    sadgaydoc87 said
    socalfitness said
    sadgaydoc87 saidI refuse to contact him, it'll only make the pain worse for both of us. If staying in a long-distance relationship with me was that painful for him, then I certainly don't want that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't make him stay with me.....

    Giving you that kind of news over the phone is kind of rough. Maybe he couldn't handle it in person. Could you put aside your refusal to contact him and suggest another week-end together to help talk things out in person and achieve some closure, if that's what it has to be. If he refuses even that, you pretty much have your answer.

    actually, he told me that he didn't want to do this over the phone and would've liked to meet up with me one last time, but I told him that meeting up with him only to break up would absolutely kill me. I'm the one that refused.

    I'd just suggest reconsider. Might give you some closure or even figure out a way to kind of put your relationship on hold. It's obviously killing you now, so what is there to lose?


    i'll feel even worse getting another chance to hold him, smell him, and see him...only to have to say goodbye. I'm already starting to feel a little better, but I think doing that would undo any progress
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 1:06 AM GMT
    sadgaydoc87 said
    socalfitness said
    sadgaydoc87 said
    socalfitness said
    sadgaydoc87 saidI refuse to contact him, it'll only make the pain worse for both of us. If staying in a long-distance relationship with me was that painful for him, then I certainly don't want that. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, but I can't make him stay with me.....

    Giving you that kind of news over the phone is kind of rough. Maybe he couldn't handle it in person. Could you put aside your refusal to contact him and suggest another week-end together to help talk things out in person and achieve some closure, if that's what it has to be. If he refuses even that, you pretty much have your answer.

    actually, he told me that he didn't want to do this over the phone and would've liked to meet up with me one last time, but I told him that meeting up with him only to break up would absolutely kill me. I'm the one that refused.

    I'd just suggest reconsider. Might give you some closure or even figure out a way to kind of put your relationship on hold. It's obviously killing you now, so what is there to lose?

    i'll feel even worse getting another chance to hold him, smell him, and see him...only to have to say goodbye. I'm already starting to feel a little better, but I think doing that would undo any progress

    You know best, obviously. Only other suggestion is to stay busy, e.g. the gym, other activities, and even spending (or wasting LOL) time on RJ. Best of luck.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Jul 04, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    use this analogy:

    when the oxygen masks come down place yours on first then the person sitting next to you.

    simple, your school first. If its meant to be it will be there. Him saying what he did, is acting passive aggressive and wants out. what does your intuition say?

    that is the answer
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    Jul 04, 2011 7:33 AM GMT
    Take this advice from someone who had been in a similar situation.

    I'm in the military, flew out for basic training 3 months after my ex and I started officially dating. He always knew I was going through the enlistment process, knew what it entailed when he first met me, and he did everything in his power to pretend like he was ok with it, but he wasn't.

    I spend several months away from home for training, leadership development, and now deployments as well. He was always "ok" with it.

    Then during this deployment he elluding to stuff, and I didn't give it much mind. Finally he broke up with me because he felt guilty about all of the stuff that he'd done while I was away. Some was just from his own lack of responsibility, others were a direct result of his inability to handle me being away. Him breaking up with me turned to he really missed me, couldn't live iwthout me, but would it be ok if we waited until I got back for us to pursue our relationship because it was so stressful with me being away and it hurt him so much.

    As angry as I was with him, he was always hinting that he couldn't handle it. In my mind set he was the guy, so I could wait. He wasn't as emotionally strong and he caved in. Was so lonely that even after claiming that he just wanted to wait for me to get back to see how things were before we made any true decisions, he was already in another monogamous relationship less than 2 days after the breakup in which he telling friends back at home that he was madly in love. That relationship didn't work out, lasted exactly 2 weeks, so a few weeks later he was in yet another monogamous relationship with someone else.

    What I'm getting at is some people cannot handle being alone. And as much as they care about you, they appreciate the lonliness you take away from them when you are around, more than they actually appreciate you. And when you are out of the picture, whether you're fighting a war, or pursuing an education, or volunteering in a different state, they turn into jelly, and just need and need and need, always thinking about themselves and not so much you.

    I am not trying to project my situation on you, I am simply using it as an example and will venture out to say that if this guy can't appeciate the fact that you're pursuing something big, that in the long run will benefit you both, and needs a "break" you should tell him to just find a new bf, because he's not being fair to you. Don't allow the fact that you are away to make you feel guilty or make you blame yourself, because I did the same thing. Its not your fault, you are simply with a guy who took on more than he could handle, because he knew what your situation was when he started dating yo. So do not feel a single ounce of guilt. Find a guy who loves you, and not the fact that you stop him from being alone. People like that I don't trust anymore, because there's no telling what they may do someday.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 7:56 AM GMT
    sadgaydoc87 saidHere's our story.

    ...blah, blah, blah...


    Unless you're Hugo Rivera, your picture is fake.

    http://bodybuilding.about.com/b/2008/11/28/bodybuilding-advice-chest-bodybuilding-workout-routines.htm
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 8:00 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    sadgaydoc87 saidHere's our story.

    ...blah, blah, blah...


    Unless you're Hugo Rivera, your picture is fake.

    http://bodybuilding.about.com/b/2008/11/28/bodybuilding-advice-chest-bodybuilding-workout-routines.htm


    Im always scared of your crazy disturbing pics that you post GAMRican... But how the fuck did you catch this fake?

    WIN!