Getting Shut Down-Any Suggestions?

  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 03, 2011 9:41 PM GMT
    First off, I’m for real. I’m new here and not sure if this is the right place to post my questions. Please advise me where to post if there is a better form for this.

    It's about making new friends in Palm Springs with gay men.

    I'm a good looking, in shape guy, that's an overall package on a scale of 1 to 10...about 7.5 to 8. Looking to meet guys for possible friendship but whenever or where ever I go out. I get shut down by gay men. It happens 9.5 of the time.
    I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong? I'm turning to you guys out there for advice. Sorry in advance if this is long but want to give you some background.

    Usually it goes something like this-
    I‘m getting coffee and while waiting for my drink I say hello to the guy next to me. It helps kill the time waiting and my thought is it is someone new to meet.
    I look at him and say hello..he replies with how are you? I then reply with some kind of small talk like... good and you or I am hot right now but I know it's hot here this time of year and so on it goes....I'm struggling with what to say to make conversation as I’m not sure what to talk about. I just try to think of anything to keep the conversation going. Maybe I end up saying something stupid but it seems genuine to me. I say stuff like: Do you live here in Palm Springs? Do you like it? Then I try to share something about myself. Like I know it’s hot out there but I like the heat etc.
    The funny thing is that I get along good with most straight men and it is less of a struggle for conversation. They give me a chance!
    It's just the gay men I have a trouble with. They turn out to always be catty or have rude remark.
    I end up feeling like I turned them off in a matter of seconds or I said something wrong. Are there things in small talk that should never be brought up when you don’t know someone?
    Is all of California gay men full mean people and bitchy queens? Perhaps asking if someone lives in the same town is to forward?
    Does attitude really work? Should I have an attitude that im all that?
    Is there a place online that I can learn some gay social skills? I want to have a gay social life.
    I have almost giving up on the whole gay scene and now I have fear to approach gay men.
    I’m tired of rejection!
    My fear is that I'm becoming so bitter and that im going to shut the gay world out !
    Please email me or post if you have any thoughts other then that I need to be put out of my misery. Thanks for your help.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 9:47 PM GMT
    Lots of guys have said this in other threads, but consider joining a group of gay guys who do a particular activity that you like. For example, Gay Outdoors or a local gay cycling club. That way, you can not only enjoy the activity but also make friends in a far less "cruisy" kind of way. People in coffeeshops might think you're hitting on them.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2011 10:11 PM GMT
    Jeff12 saidI'm a good looking, in shape guy, that's an over all package of about 7.5 to 8.
    Pics or that number is in the negatives.
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 03, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    Thanks Eli for the idea about joining a club. That is helpful!
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 03, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    Paul you're exactly the kind of gay man i'm talking about, they always have something superfical or rude to say!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    Joining a gay club is a good idea as Eli suggested.

    I've never gone to coffee shops to befriend people, so I can't really comment on that strategy to meet other gay guys. I've always just chatted to guys online and if there's something there, then I go have coffee with them in real life.
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 04, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    Thanks for the response. I was actually just getting coffee in the morning with no intent other then to have coffee but im trying to be more out going and say hello to more people instead of just standing there saying nothing.
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    Jul 04, 2011 2:57 AM GMT
    It's all part of the game, just keep at it, barriers always breakdown!
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 04, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    Thanks Anom
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    Find similarities with people before establishing contact.

    "Hey dude, see you drive a Jeep, these gas prices are killin us"

    "Thats the same thing I order, have them do a double shot next time, its awesome"

    "How's that Droid treating you? I just got mine- love it!"


    Anything along those lines works, plus it gives you instant conversation. No more looking for things to say...you are already set. From there, it will either evolve or die, but having a topic to start off with comes off as less cruisy in my opinion. Good luck!
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    Jul 04, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    EliStark saidLots of guys have said this in other threads, but consider joining a group of gay guys who do a particular activity that you like. For example, Gay Outdoors or a local gay cycling club. That way, you can not only enjoy the activity but also make friends in a far less "cruisy" kind of way. People in coffeeshops might think you're hitting on them.



    This is so great. You can also make friends with others via libraries as in the books you're interested in, for example if that's your thing, (how mundane, eh? lol). It just depends on your interests and getting to know a lot of people, a few of whom will be rather smitten.
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 04, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    Trocks, this is very useful information to me and something I have not tried.
    This is a good suggestion that I can try to use to build on.Thanks!
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    Jul 04, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    Jeff12 saidPlease email me if you have any thoughts other then that I need to be put out of my misery. Thanks for your help.

    If it's OK I'm gonna post in this thread rather than e-mail. That way other members can critique me, and I think an open interchange can produce more ideas.

    Joining groups is a great suggestion, and one I've made myself in previous threads on this subject, because you're not the only one who's faced this. While you may need to fine-tune your approach, there's also a good chance it's mostly them, not you who's at fault. As EliStark suggests, a commonly shared activity lends itself to common bonds & quick friendship. Here are some I've done, often several of these at once, or my friends have:

    - Gay sports teams, especially softball, for which you don't need to be too "pro." Bowling is another -- we have a league here that has a couple dozen teams.
    - Gay church membership. The MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) was founded with a GLBT mission, but other churches can be heavily gay, too.
    - I belonged to a gay dinner club. About 60 guys would have private monthly dinner parties, which each club member would host in turn. We had magnetic name tags, annual awards for best party, the whole 9 yards. Met some real movers & shakers through it.
    - Gay motorcycling group.
    - Gay bicycling group.
    - Volunteering at gay non-profits, for HIV/AIDS, or your community center or other causes. The gay community center was one of the first things for which I volunteered within just 2 months of my arrival in south Florida, so I could quickly learn about the community here, met lots & lots of good people. And I've been networking from there ever since, as I'm still active, now a major donor.
    - Gay book reading club. Every month we'd all read a book, not necessarily a gay subject, then discuss it at someone's home. Plus once a month we all went out to dinner. Admittedly mostly college professors and other academic types, but a good change for me from leather biker bois.
    - Join a gay chorus. If you can't sing, as I can't, see if they have support or other roles. I became an MC/narrator.

    Just get your foot in the gay social door somewhere, and start networking from there. Build your own network. As for Palm Springs, I can give you an introduction to a major gay mover & shaker there if you like, a friend of ours. He's partnered himself, but might be a good person with whom to be acquainted. But that I'll confine to private e-mail.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 3:37 PM GMT
    I think when you start out with your dick size, that speaks volumes. And not in a good way
  • papayachalice

    Posts: 58

    Jul 04, 2011 4:06 PM GMT
    You sound just like the gay society in NYC. Lol
    Guess it's the same gay scene everywhere. Just leave them alone. You're doing the right thing to socialize with people even it doesn't need to end up romantically. It's them who have social problems. It's hard to imagine they can succeed professionally. Don't waste your time on them.
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 04, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    Thanks Art for your suggestion. Like I was saying, I have been shut down a lot! To hang out in a group is a huge step right now! I'm really just wanting to learn the basics on how to approach and chat with gay men on a geniune level. Once I feel im on the right track the group idea is key.
    I suppose the short cut would be for me to grow jump back into the fire but i'm so tired of being burned!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 4:32 PM GMT
    Jeff12 saidThanks Art for your suggestion. Like I was saying I'm turning more inward scared if you will to approach people or hang out with groups because I have been shut down so much. I'm really just wanting to learn how to approach and chat with gay men on a geniune level. I suppose the short cut would be for me to grow some and jump back into the fire.

    Dallas fan when I said in my post overall package is 7.5 to 8 was not my cock size lol. What i'm talking about is if someone walked through the door you might say: id give him an 8 and the next guy a 7 etc. So in self judgement when i size myself up in looks personality and achievement etc...you get the idea.



    ROFL! that was classic!!

    I might head to PS in a week or so. If I do I will hit you up. We can go to Hunters or something
  • SF2PS

    Posts: 63

    Jul 04, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    Welcome to Palm Springs . . . .

    So, just a few things to place this in context:

    - Palm Springs is a town of vacationers and retirees. Many of us who live there are partnered.

    - At forty you are on the young side for the permanent residents.

    - It is probably easy to find tourists who are looking for a fling or guys in a relationship looking for something on the side. The dating pool of single men I hear is small and quirky.

    So if you were in Silverlake in LA or San Francisco, you would have a much easier time because the number of single guys in your age range is much smaller.

    I have two pieces of advice. One is to put yourself out there and develop a little bit of a thicker hide (difficult sometimes, I know). A starting point would be to post a few pictures here on RJ; pictureless profiles tend to get ignored (for good reason too - a lot of them are fake). The second is to find things to do that will put you near other gay guys. Group exercise classes, the Metropolitan Community Church, swimming, running or biking clubs are a good start. A great group is:

    Tuesday Night Supper Club
    For men in their 30's-50's
    http://tuesdaynitesupperclub.com/

    which has lots of single guys your age.

    Best of luck . . .

    - Andy

  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 04, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    Thanks Andy, You might be right about the thicker hide but it gets old wearing a hide.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2011 5:23 PM GMT
    Post a pic and get started here.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 04, 2011 5:43 PM GMT
    Yeah, I definitely have a disadvantage with chatting up the gay guys. I still really don't know how it works but I'm learning. That's not to say I will ever be good at it or even want to be good at it.

    I do a lot of watching at how gay men introduce themselves to others lately at the bar/clubs/events. If you come off as a genuine sincere pleasant person, you're basically screwed. It seems like the more lecherous personalities score more often than most. Also, if you can act totally enamored and enthralled with a guy that you've just met, without acting needy, then you're golden.

    Also, match their drunkenness level. If they are totally trashed act like you've been drinking too. If you're not complimenting the guy every 2 minutes about something completely superficial then there's a problem. Don't worry, after you leave the club with him you don't have to pretend you like him and it's just down to sex from that point on. If you have any idea of trying to get to know the person better, more than likely the guy will think you're being too nosey.

    Last night, I was totally blown away. I was at a club and two totally handsome guys starting talking. One went up to the other and from my standpoint they were making total googley eyes at each other and were in good conversation, laughing, smiling, great eye contact, etc. I take a quick trip to the restroom and come back and they are no longer speaking to each other and on opposite sides of the bar with their back turned to each other. Not sure what happened, maybe they found out they are both bottoms, lol. Anyhow, it amazes me how quick things work out, or don't work out, in the gay habitat.
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    Jul 04, 2011 6:07 PM GMT
    There is a great hiking club in PS also.
  • CarbGoggles

    Posts: 705

    Jul 04, 2011 6:31 PM GMT
    Maybe I'm crazy... Most often, I don't like strangers talking to me. It's just awkward. If some total rando tries starting a convo w/ me. I'll make every effort to get away. The entire time I'm going to think dude is either super lonely and desperate for friends, a LARPer, trying to invite me to church or about to ask for a donation. If you want to make gay friends I think an easy way is to find a good beard and let her break the ice for you.
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 05, 2011 10:02 PM GMT
    Thanks Celtic I'll give it a try and it's good to know that i'm not the only one out there that has ran in to this!
  • Jeff12

    Posts: 16

    Jul 05, 2011 10:07 PM GMT
    Carb thats good to know but often the guys standing next to me in line keeps checking me out. If you were in line checking a guy out; would you try to leave quickly after he said hello and was trying to make conversation with you?
    I'm sure you're talking about when someone is being pushy with you and you have no interest right?