Ever been in a relationship with someone who has a Personality Disorder?

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    Jul 03, 2011 10:40 PM GMT
    It has been 1 year since my partner of 2 years packed his things and walked-out of our relationship...and I still don't feel like dating again.

    The day before it ended, I came back home from an early morning bike ride - and he pulled me into bed, cuddled me and said the usual "I love you". The next day, we were finished. There was no talk - he just left. When I pleaded to him to talk about things, he said "I can't. Give it 2 weeks and you'll be fine." Mind you, this guy lived with me from nearly the very beginning - and I truly loved him with all my heart and soul.

    We had often joked whether we came from the same parents - we seemed to have everything in common. But I also knew there was something very different about him. I'd sometimes ask him "why do I feel like a battered spouse - I don't have any bruises". I googled his behaviors once, and "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" was at the top of the list. I'd later learn from a therapist, following the breakup, that it's more likely he has "Borderline Personality Disorder".

    It took me several months until the tears stopped. While there are no more tears, I still feel like part of me died with that relationship. I'm struggling to find my way again.

    Anybody ever been through anything similar?
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    Jul 04, 2011 12:34 AM GMT
    I've known true narcissists and pathological liars, though not in a romantic relationship.

    There isn't a person in the world they would be any different around, the problem is inside them.

    I would also say that there are probably traces of personality disorders in all of us. I went to a site where you answer like a bazillion questions and it tells you percentages of each type of personality disorder you have. My biggest was Schizoid. I read the definition and kind of liked it. ah fucked up humans.icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 04, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    I was in similar relationship years ago. Looking back I feel like I should have recognized something was wrong and got my ass out of there. It wasn't his "fault"; that's the way he is. Anyhow, unless you wan a lifetime of caregiving and worry, you are better off without hi. Best of luck.
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    Jul 04, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    Is total jackass a personality disorder?! icon_confused.gif
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    Jul 04, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    Yeah, I'd say my last partner had anti social personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. He told me he loved me every day, and lied to me only about really important things. He could be charming one minute and sullen and resentful the next. I felt emotionally abused. I've been single since 2004, and haven't been in a rush to get into another relationship since.
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    Jul 04, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    fuzzywuzzy saidIs total jackass a personality disorder?! icon_confused.gif


    Probably!
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    Jul 04, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    Yup. It's a painful and heart rendering experience. It definitely affected my ability to trust others; and worse yet, trust my own judgment about people I invest myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually with.

    The phrase, 'emotional vampires' comes to mind. As they seemingly suck the life out of you until you're nothing but a shell of your former self?!

    After reading this book, Stop Walking on Eggshells a lot of what I experienced but was unable to articulate started making more sense.

    If you need additional support or understanding of "what just happened?!", this site is great for helping you get a fuller understanding.

    This site has mainly straight members there that have dealt with someone dealing with 'borderline symptoms'. That said, it's great because you can use that forum as a touchstone to figure out where you're at - as you listen/read and share stories that sound like YOURS! You'll be amazed at the parallels!

    And oh yeah, one thing that is very important is this: Learn to forgive him and move on!

    Don't hold on to the anger, resentment and betrayal. And even more critical, learn to forgive YOURSELF and allow yourself to heal and finally close that chapter.

    Once you forgiven yourself, you'll be open to dating again. Only this time, just a bit more wiser.

    And for what it's worth, I have a tremendous appreciation for solace and peace of mind! You can put a value to that, and I learnt that after that experience.
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    Jul 04, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    Episodically gave some great advice.

    Check out lovefraud.com. The blogs are great. I was also involved with a very destructive individual. We can only educate ourselves to ensure that this never happens again.

    It will take time to heal, give him back what is his to own and forgive him. Be gentle on yourself and remember that you will be ready to date again when you trust yourself. It's taken me 3 years of almost daily work to get to the place I am today, which is ready to move on.

    big hug..
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    Jul 04, 2011 5:25 AM GMT
    First, thanks to everyone who gave a response. In some weird way, it's comforting to hear that others have been thru similar situations. One of the hardest things was talking to my friends about this, yet only two of them really understood my anguish; both straight girls, one married to/divorced from BPD, the other married to/divorced from an abusive alcoholic. The dynamics involved in these relationships are so messed-up, to say the least.

    Episodically_Piqued saidAnd oh yeah, one thing that is very important is this: Learn to forgive him and move on!


    I know this is part of my problem. I have not forgiven him, and I cannot. Not yet, and I don't know what I need to be able to do this. It has taken a long time just to understand that while his actions were wicked, he's a damaged person and the product of a difficult childhood. I understand that mentally he reasons like a child, yet he's a grown adult. Still - the lack of a moral compass - the basics between "right" and "wrong" - is something I can't move past. He couldn't even settle his last month's expenses with me, and left me hanging with them; even children are taught that stealing is wrong - and in that regard, he's a thief.

    I know that I'm part to blame. There were so many warnings throughout the course of our relationship, and I chose to largely ignore them. But it wasn't hard to overlook his behavior - his idealization of me was intoxicating and addictive. He was a master at manipulation. I just thought he was extremely selfish. I didn't even know what "emotional abuse" was until very late in the relationship - and I think it's when I started questioning his behavior that he began his devaluation of me.

    What worries me the most is being able to get close to someone again. Trusting people came naturally to me. How do I forgive someone who has taken this ability away from me?

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    Jul 04, 2011 8:19 AM GMT
    In one way I can relate, in other ways, I can not relate with your story at all. I was damaged by a past relationship- perhaps it was fatal to my finding love in the future. However, I think that when you ask "how do you forgive somebody who has taken (the ability to trust) away from you" I would argue that is a non-issue. I would say that it is you who have given that ability to trust away as it can not be taken; nobody can steal your attributes.

    They can damage your ability to trust; perhaps even impair that ability for a period of time. However, if it is a core trait of yours I would argue that you will be able to trust again. You may be a little more guarded and you may look for signs that you missed last time- but with practice and patience I think it will return. Several times in the past I have sworn off of _______ because I got upset. Every time I proved myself to be a liar as what I had sworn off of was the manifestation of a core trait that I have. It seems like you value your trusting, loving nature... I like to think that it will return despite any attempts to keep it at bay in order to better protect your heart.

    (As a disclaimer, I have never trusted people nor their motivations... I still consider myself to be damaged from my past, so perhaps this "optimistic" rant is BS, but I like to believe that not everybody is irrevocably changed for the worse by bad experiences...)
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    Jul 04, 2011 8:34 AM GMT
    Yes, once. He was gay.
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    Jul 04, 2011 9:01 AM GMT
    Yeah, my last bf was a strange one. I spent most of our relationship trying to work out what his diagnosis was, to tell the truth. However, his behaviour was pretty much covered by 90% of the mental illnesses in the DSM-IV icon_lol.gif

    He was basically a selfish, lying bastard and an egomaniac. I came out of the relationship feeling much stronger, but the whole experience has made me more emotionally cautious. I've heard he is with someone else now - good luck to them! Haha icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 04, 2011 11:24 AM GMT
    TotalRecall saidFirst, thanks to everyone who gave a response. In some weird way, it's comforting to hear that others have been thru similar situations. One of the hardest things was talking to my friends about this, yet only two of them really understood my anguish; both straight girls, one married to/divorced from BPD, the other married to/divorced from an abusive alcoholic. The dynamics involved in these relationships are so messed-up, to say the least.

    Episodically_Piqued saidAnd oh yeah, one thing that is very important is this: Learn to forgive him and move on!


    I know this is part of my problem. I have not forgiven him, and I cannot. Not yet, and I don't know what I need to be able to do this. It has taken a long time just to understand that while his actions were wicked, he's a damaged person and the product of a difficult childhood. I understand that mentally he reasons like a child, yet he's a grown adult. Still - the lack of a moral compass - the basics between "right" and "wrong" - is something I can't move past. He couldn't even settle his last month's expenses with me, and left me hanging with them; even children are taught that stealing is wrong - and in that regard, he's a thief.




    I know that I'm part to blame. There were so many warnings throughout the course of our relationship, and I chose to largely ignore them. But it wasn't hard to overlook his behavior - his idealization of me was intoxicating and addictive. He was a master at manipulation. I just thought he was extremely selfish. I didn't even know what "emotional abuse" was until very late in the relationship - and I think it's when I started questioning his behavior that he began his devaluation of me.




    What worries me the most is being able to get close to someone again. Trusting people came naturally to me. How do I forgive someone who has taken this ability away from me?





    Thing's come and goes with reason, either to learn them or to thanks for it.
    if can I ask you to do 3 things, after you done this things, hopefully it's give you some idea.

    1. Grab a bottle of 1,5 litter and hold it for me, and don't let it go for 1 hour
    2. Hold your breath for 3 mins
    3. Give $10 or $5 to poor man that first time you meet




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    Jul 04, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    My heart goes out to you. I'm going to include an article from lovefraud.com about trust. But, IMHO, don't worry about whether you will trust again or not. That will come further down the road....take it one day at a time and focus on processing your pain. Redirect your anger to the individual and not yourself....don't ever believe that "i'm a fool", instead believe that "I was wronged". You will give of yourself and trust again in a different way, perhaps even a much better way. This experience has a silver lining at the end, how you choose to handle it will determine the course of your future. Don't let someone that is broken disrupt your path in life and the pursuit of finding a loving partner. When I'm faced with challenges and painful experiences to process, I try to keep in mind that the lesson will reveal itself in time. With great awareness, the universe will guide you in the right direction. There is no reason to rush this process.....take it one day at a time.



    So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.

    1. Educate ourselves

    One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through e-mails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.

    We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.

    2. Believe our own instincts

    Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.

    We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:

    We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
    We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
    We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
    Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.

    3. Make people earn our trust

    I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”

    The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.

    Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.

    4. Process our pain

    I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.

    To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.

    I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.

    For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.

    Trust and love

    It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.

    The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.

    By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
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    Jul 05, 2011 7:16 AM GMT
    If you have done this

    1. Grab a bottle of 1,5 litter and hold it for me, and don't let it go for 1 hour
    the meaning: soon or later you will tired of holding it, and for sure you already wasting that 1 hour, holding something while you can do something else.


    2. Hold your breath for 3 mins
    Let it go... everything comes and goes, just like you breath you just cant hold it, it's comes and goes, so do your feeling the more you hate him, that's the prove the more you love him before.
    and please protect your most precious in your life, it's your heart never let your heart, love, and thrust die


    3. Give $10 or $5 to poor man that first time you meet
    Start you empathy about how everyone fell, and you will understand why he become like that.

    Share something you have with someone, it's will make you more cheerful, as you will see how that poor man will happy with your help.


    ----
    Don't change your self like him, he became disorder because of his past, and till now he still unable to let it go, that's the reason he doing that things to you

    if you let this stuck in you, you will turn to be just like him, and soon or later you will hurt somebody like he hurt you.

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    Jul 05, 2011 8:12 AM GMT
    Most general psychological problems (or what's called the "presenting problem") are listed on Axis I. However, personality disorders are listed on Axis II of the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic system. Axis II is also where a mental health professional would diagnose mental retardation. Personality disorders and mental retardation share the same diagnostic category largely because the prognosis for these problems is awful. That is, treatment of personality disorders is almost always ineffective and useless. Unlike people with mood (e.g. major depressive disorder) or anxiety (e.g. PTSD) disorders, individuals with personality disorders most likely do not realize they qualify for an Axis II diagnosis since their disorder lies in their personality. Personality disorders can only be diagnosed for individuals over the age of 18.

    Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), specifically, is considered to be one of the most difficult of the personality disorders in the mental health field. I know a few therapists who actually cringe at the mere thought of working with a client with BPD. Very hard to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder. Take a look at the symptom list and you'll know why.

    It sounds to me like your BF really fucked you over, and I'm sorry for that.
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    Jul 05, 2011 4:28 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidIf your partner did have narcissistic personality disorder you might have been enabling him for the duration of your relationship. I'm not saying that what you experienced was your fault. But perhaps you can seek counseling for yourself and make sure that you are not attracting and enabling people with personality disorders.

    Thanks for sharing, I hope things get better for you.


    I know that I played a part in this mess for sure. Once the fog started to clear in the aftermath, it was clear that I tolerated behavior that wasn't acceptable - and to this degree, it's true that I enabled him. I knew all along that something wasn't right but didn't know what it was. When I'd question his nonsensical behavior - which usually resulted in an argument - I was always to blame. Everything was always my fault and my inability to meet his expectations. One day, I could be "the best boyfriend he'd ever had"; the next day, he'd threaten to end the relationship when I didn't do something as he expected. I was always apologizing and taking blame. In fact, in the 2 years we were together, only once did he ever apologize for anything. Yes, apparently I lived with Jesus. icon_smile.gif I often do think about why I put up with this. Maybe it was a lack of self-confidence on my part - but he knew how to manipulate me perfectly. It sounds fucked up, but it's like I could be made to believe that the sky was green, even though rationally I know that it's blue.

    I read another guy's blog about a failed relationship with a borderline, and he likened his post-breakup awakening to the moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opens the curtain and finds the Wizard to be a weak little man instead of "the great and powerful Oz". It is such a great analogy. The person who I thought I lived with wasn't real, he was just a mirrored reflection of me. And I fell for it - hook, line and sinker. I realized this a few months ago and it's still one of the most disturbing and difficult aspects to reconcile.

    I sometimes wonder...In the beginning of the relationship - no more than 3 weeks in, he said something along the lines of "You know, when two people like each other, they mimic each other's behaviors". And I never gave it any thought - because that's true in healthy relationships - to an extent. I sometimes wonder if he was trying to warn me of something, and what he really meant was "You know, I'm going to take on all your interests, clothing style, and manners - and trade my things for the same brands that you have. I will be a near replica of you and we'll have everything in common, because I don't know who I am." Maybe he was trying to warn me.

    To your point tho, MuchMore, I am working through these things. I'd never been thru something like this before, and I certainly don't plan on going thru it again.

    Thanks again to all for the encouragement. I know things get better; deeper wounds take longer to heal.
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    TotalRecall saidIt has been 1 year since my partner of 2 years packed his things and walked-out of our relationship...and I still don't feel like dating again.


    People with BPD do that after they've used you up. They push you away and act like total hypocrites, then blame you when you can't take it anymore. It's a pretty ugly disorder, I pity anyone who has to deal with one of these.
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:15 PM GMT
    TotalRecall saidI still feel like part of me died with that relationship.


    Actually, a part of us dies with any relationship that ends.

    Also, who doesn't have a personality disorder of some sort? Some are just more severe and harder to deal with than others.

    Just take what you've learned from the experience and move on. You will survive.
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    TotalRecall saidI still feel like part of me died with that relationship.


    Actually, a part of us dies with any relationship that ends.

    Also, who doesn't have a personality disorder of some sort? Some are just more severe and harder to deal with than others.

    Just take what you've learned from the experience and move on. You will survive.


    Sorry, everybody has personality issues. There is a difference between a flaw and a full-blown Axis II DSM-diagnosed Personality Disorder. If you've never lived with someone who has it, you really shouldn't dismiss it as "you'll be fine, move on."

    Many people have had to be treated for PTSD after getting out of a relationship with someone with an Axis II personality disorder (true story).
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:21 PM GMT
    Play nice kids.
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    Jun 29, 2012 6:47 PM GMT
    CrankySpice saidI was in a six-year relationship with a Borderline Personality. They are very hard to deal with. They suck the life out of you.

    Six dreadful years, and it has taken me most of the five years since it ended to deal with my anger at him. And yes, I had PTSD.


    "Very hard to deal with" might be the understatement of the year. Six years icon_eek.gif, wow. My heart goes out to you icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    dated a guy with a compulsion to lie all the time over everything like even little tiny things. crazy guy, sex was good though.icon_razz.gif
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    Jun 29, 2012 7:15 PM GMT
    CrankySpice saidI was in a six-year relationship with a Borderline Personality. They are very hard to deal with. They suck the life out of you.

    Six dreadful years, and it has taken me most of the five years since it ended to deal with my anger at him. And yes, I had PTSD.


    Jeff, I hear ya loud and clear on this. Several in fact (not the one I've posted pics of though as he and I had a great deal of fun over the years with little drama), but many others. Maybe its my old age too factoring into it, but I have no interest in dating ever again. I'm done.
  • metta

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    Jun 29, 2012 7:18 PM GMT




    "Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

    These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships."

    Risk factors for BPD include:

    - Abandonment in childhood or adolescence

    - Disrupted family life

    - Poor communication in the family

    - Sexual abuse


    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

    I wonder if that would include people that are bi-polar? I knew someone that dated someone that is bi-polar and that had to be a tough thing to deal with.

    I guess that important word here is that it is "long-term". I'm guessing that dealing with a loved one dying does not count.