coming out at a new job

  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jul 05, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    So I start a new job tomorrow with a pretty cool company that involves higher education.
    Today, my soon-to-be supervisor was talking to me on the phone about some things, such as what items to bring with me tomorrow, what time I'm expected to be in, etc. One of the items I have to bring in is a photo-id.
    She says something to the affect of "bring in a copy of ur drivers license or passport" and another photo that ur girlfriend would approve of"

    so I'm like "ok, i'll bring in a photo id" but it got me thinking about the statement: "photo that my girlfriend would approve of?" "what the fuck?"

    So, I'm assuming she thinks I'm straight (which im obviously not). So, therein lies the dilema. She thinks im straight, however she will find out i'm gay at some point. When is an appropriate time to "correct" my supervisor if she alludes to me having a girlfriend again. Do I straight up tell her? Do I take her aside and tell her? Do I say nothing? what the fuck??

    mind u, this job is highest paying job i've thus had in all my working days, so its kind of important to make a good impression, however dont wanna be "in the closet" so to speak, but dont wanna be flaunting it either.
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    Jul 05, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    Don't make an announcement. They wouldn't announce their heterosexuality to you. Just bring it up at an appropriate time and in the same natural, conversational way they would. For example, if the break room talk turns to dating life, bring up your experiences with your current or past boyfriends. If they talk about their weekend plans with their spouse of boyfriend/girlfriend, you do the same.
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    Jul 05, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    You can pretend to be straight. I have whole bunch of hoes lying around if u ever need a fake gf for office parties and such
  • Import

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    Jul 05, 2011 11:16 PM GMT
    Iceblink saidDon't make an announcement. They wouldn't announce their heterosexuality to you. Just bring it up at an appropriate time and in the same natural, conversational way they would. For example, if the break room talk turns to dating life, bring up your experiences with your current or past boyfriends. If they talk about their weekend plans with their spouse of boyfriend/girlfriend, you do the same.



    yeah, that seems about right, but i always hate the initial "OMG, hes gay" moment
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    Jul 05, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    I don't discuss my personal life with my co-workers. It's pretty easy. Most people like to talk about themselves. Just control/guide the conversation so that it's all about them.

    But if you feel compelled to make a stand and affirm your gayness. Don't just blurt it out and make an awkward situation. I find that casual humor is the best way to break the ice. Example:

    Boss: Do you have a girlfriend?
    You: Nope.
    Boss: Why not?
    You: Cuz my boyfriend might be confused if I brought a girl home.

    Something like that. I'm sure you won't have any problems thinking of something witty. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 05, 2011 11:36 PM GMT
    I think she is just guilty of intellectual sloth, she didn't put any thought into and went with the majority.

    I usually stake out the situation first. I'm all for gay rights, but I also need to keep my job and baring direct comments its hard to prove homo discrimination to fight back if I did. There are only two people I work with that don't know I am gay. One is a devout conservative Muslim and the other an Egyptian.







  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jul 05, 2011 11:41 PM GMT
    adam228 saidI think she is just guilty of intellectual sloth, she didn't put any thought into and went with the majority.

    I usually stake out the situation first. I'm all for gay rights, but I also need to keep my job and baring direct comments its hard to prove homo discrimination to fight back if I did. There are only two people I work with that don't know I am gay. One is a devout conservative Muslim and the other an Egyptian.









    so, they're both muslims.....
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    Jul 05, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    Haven't you heard of Copts?
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    Jul 05, 2011 11:45 PM GMT
    I wouldn't worry about coming out so early in starting a new job. You must prove yourself first and make friends. Eventually you can come out selectively to people that you trust at work. I've been dealing with this all my life with questions like:

    "How long have you been married?"
    "How many kids do you have?"
    and on, and on.

    I don't come out to everyone, but these days I usually say that I was divorced years ago and didn't want to try marriage again. At some point, they will know. Women are really good at picking up on this, because gay guys don't react to women the same way that straight guys do.
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    Jul 06, 2011 12:07 AM GMT
    Import saidI'm assuming she thinks I'm straight (which im obviously not).


    Thanks for clearing that up. We assumed you were here just for shits and giggles.

    But seriously, I would just go with the flow for now. People make all sorts of clumsy assumptions. I have co-workers who think I have a wife and kids at home and I have never, ever, said or done anything to create such an impression! I find it quite amusing.

    Good luck in your new job!

    Incidentally, you didn't happen to leave a note on a - never mind.
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    Jul 06, 2011 12:09 AM GMT
    Import said



    so, they're both muslims.....


    No, he is Copt.

    Back on topic! Gay. work!
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Jul 06, 2011 12:14 AM GMT
    Youre there to work. Not fuck.

    Doesnt matter one way or the other.
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    Jul 06, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    Don't do it! The moment you come out at work, you effectively crush any chance of sexing your hot closeted coworkers on the DL. Stay in, and you can have them all. icon_cool.gif
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    Jul 06, 2011 12:28 AM GMT
    If you don't want to be in the closet, but you "don't want to flaunt it either" then I highly advise you learn to pick your battles wisely, especially since as you write this is your highest paying job and the lingering effects of the economic downtown have made nearly everyone as fungible as people could ever be.

    A stray comment like "a photo your girlfriend would approve of" is not something worth draping yourself in the rainbow flag and turning on queen-bitch mode. Heteronormativity is not something that should be new to you - as well as awkward beginnings that are highly manicured on both sides to conform to HR standards.

    Build a personal (and performance-professional track record) relationship and consider that a bridge to educating and informing when the time comes to pick the battle - such as a "bring your +1" to a cocktail party at someone's house. That is a good time to educate and inform.

    As JPlotsanumbers writes above - you are there to work first and foremost. Do your job, do it well, and little else should matter. Just as much as they are test-driving you for the first assessment period, you are test-driving them to see if bringing a same-sex partner to the cocktail party is going to ruffle too many feathers.

    Also: try not to have a bondage slave desktop background on your work computer on the first day. That never goes over well. Well, almost never.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 06, 2011 12:32 AM GMT
    Don't make an announcement.
    If they're homophobic, and they have you on probation to see how well you fit in, they could let you go without stating the real reason.

  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jul 06, 2011 1:39 AM GMT
    Just be you. There are laws if they fuck you over for being gay. Don't bend to fit their mold. No job is worth that.
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    Jul 06, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    dont make any sort of announcement, just be yourself. Get the feel of your work place to see whos cool and whos not, come out to that person and get their opinion whether its a good idea to come out to everyone else. Its important to have at least one person at work know your gay so that you can talk to them about your weekend at gaycities.

    "I thought you knew" work every time in any situations
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    Jul 06, 2011 2:24 AM GMT
    Maybe she knows but doesn't want to put you on the spot? The PC way is not to allude to a guy or a girl when referring to a significant other. However, that very omission can offend a straight guy so a lot of people don't do it.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Jul 06, 2011 2:31 AM GMT
    Just go there and do your JOB.
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    Jul 06, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    JP, I think that is his intention. To work, just like everyone else. However, when his co-workers and superiors bring up situations where the OP is forced to either lie or omit, he will be forced to make a choice. Being new, I'm sure it's quite daunting to respond truthfully without worrying about finding yourself unemployed. Nobody is talking about having a pride parade. Workplace ettiquite is often breached by those who don't intend to pry but inevitably bring up "girlfriends", ask what your weekend plans are, ask why you dont have a picture of your "spouse" in your desk, etc. If everyone "just worked" it wouldn't ever need to come up, but that isn't the world that we live in.
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    Jul 06, 2011 2:54 AM GMT
    HintofColor.png

    "You think that when I dress this way, I'm even more obvious."
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    Jul 06, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    Don't fuck this up.

    Just bring a professional photo of yourself that can be used for a company website, newsletter, etc.

    Your sexuality, politics, viewpoints on religion, capital punishment, abortion, and whether you're a boxers or briefs guy are not a relevant workplace issues at this point. Let them get to know your performance first and foremost. Then let them get to know your other non-physical dimensions of diversity.

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    Jul 06, 2011 3:33 AM GMT
    Import said...its kind of important to make a good impression, however dont wanna be "in the closet" so to speak, but dont wanna be flaunting it either.

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    Jul 06, 2011 3:38 AM GMT
    I free-lance and interview for new jobs on a regular basis. I make a point to mention in the interview that I have to discuss all prospective jobs with my partner.

    I'm gay, get over it.
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    Jul 06, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    The work is what matters. I wouldn't advertise, but definitely don't lie about it. Deal with it as it comes up.

    Personally, I find the awkward "OMG, he's gay..." moment most amusing. You always get a nice variety of facial expressions from people... icon_lol.gif