Still in the closet

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2011 6:59 PM GMT
    Hi everyone,

    I need some advices. I finally accepted myself as being gay, but I am still in the closet. I don't have enough courage to say that to my family or my closest friends. My family knows that I never had serious relationships with a girls so I think they suspect something but they never asks me to confirm the fact. I don't say I never liked the girls but at some point something has changed and I became more into guys. Now live abroad and I can live a life as being gay but still I am afraid that somebody will notice me in a gay bar or gay dating website. So I just keep on hiding from everybody. I am 24 and I think it is time to do something. What would be you advices? What should I do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2011 7:01 PM GMT
    If you want to have sex with really hot guys, stay in the closet, because most of them are closeted as well and won't have anything to do with openly gay guys.
    If you want to have a relationship, grow some balls and come out.
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    Jul 07, 2011 7:10 PM GMT
    icon_biggrin.gif funny. It could be one of the solutions, but it is not easy to find those guys. My gaydar is not working. I am just the beginner.
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    Jul 07, 2011 7:33 PM GMT
    Come on people... Need some tips!!!
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    Jul 07, 2011 7:35 PM GMT
    The sooner you come out the easier it will be.

    The more you stay in you just sink yourself deeper and deeper in a hole.

    Also, your family may react in a very weird fashion, ignore them, focus on you, this is all about you and not really about them.
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    Jul 07, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    it's like ripping off a band-aid. just do it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 07, 2011 7:49 PM GMT
    I really would suggest the following:

    Think carefully about what you want in life. What do you want? Do you hope to have a partner someday or is that really not that important? Where are you financially? Do you depend on your family or others at present for your well being?

    The reality is, if you want to make changes in your life such as is being considered, you need to take some risk. Eventually you will need to tell others (what others need to know is your own call). I would suggest joining some groups where you will have interaction with other people who accept your sexuality. You will learn to become more comfortable and develop a support system. Through some of that you will also gain confidence to make it happen across the board with family and friends (if you really want that).
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Jul 07, 2011 7:52 PM GMT
    i came out 3 years ago in 2007 in high school and have been glad i did my family is roman catholic so going against my religion and everything but im glad i did come out that year cause now i can be true to myself and others if you know what i mean so if i were you just gather your courage and tell them and you will definitely feel alot better and be more true to yourself
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    Jul 07, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    The longer you wait....the bigger the weight on your chest becomes.....
    It is not easy or fun to stay in the closet......
    .Life is too short and those that you are worried about turning away from you probably will deal with it better then you expect
    ....good luck (I know from experience.....coming out took a big burden off my heart and my life....I am now out and happy......)
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    Jul 07, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    I appreciate your opinion. I also think that sometimes it would be better just to come out, but it seems so hard. All the time doubts kill me. I am financially independent for a long time so I don't need to ask my parents to support me. So if they reacted badly, I would not starve icon_smile.gif But it is a feeling that I don't want to let them down. But as you said at once I need to be selfish and to think about my self.

    Thanks a lot for your opinion!
  • Saffron69

    Posts: 121

    Jul 07, 2011 10:11 PM GMT
    I don't know ur family life dynamics are, so the best advice I can give you is don't be spontaneous with coming out... be practical. If you're not ready to come out, then get yourself ready to come out. Making peace with yourself being gay is always the best 1st step, good job!!
    Mentally prepairing yourself for every eventuallity, good or bad (especailly when concerning family) is the best advice I can give you. Accept the that people in your life could react badly to you being gay. Deal with that fact... Truely deal before coming out,

    n make sure you're financially independent (unless u know for sure you're ready to come out).

  • Jul 07, 2011 10:41 PM GMT
    There COLORED TEXT GOES HERE There is no easy way of coming out, you just have to gather up all of your courage and take that leap out of the big dark gloomy closet. I am certain your family and friends will be supportive, after all you are still the same guy, nothing has really changed, other than that you have accepted who you are and decided to stop hiding it. The sooner you come out the easier life will get. It doesn't matter what others will say, if they will accept you or not, but if they really do love you, care for you and want you to be happy, then they will accept you. Be proud of who you are and don't hide anymore, let your friends and FAMILY know who you are. ^.^ Don't live life in fear of letting them know, or wondering WHAT IF, you know what I mean? Much love, and luck coming your way. All will be well.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Jul 07, 2011 10:51 PM GMT
    As the other posters have advised,the first step is to be at peace with yourself.The next is to find someone you really trust to take your news;and then another;and so on until you build up something like a support network to help you when you tell the really difficult family members.That way you don`t attempt to do it all on your own at once.This is the way I came out,slow but sure.....
    Don`t ever feel you have 'failed' or let down other people.Be your own man,an individual.I know it`s hard.It took a lot of courage,yes,courage for me to do this in my country,but the benefits are immense.I`ve found life so much better out than in the closet.You will be amazed when you do.
    And try not to leave it too long.It will only get harder if you let time pass and do nothing.
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    Jul 07, 2011 10:52 PM GMT
    magnus87 saidHi everyone,

    I need some advices. I finally accepted myself as being gay, but I am still in the closet. I don't have enough courage to say that to my family or my closest friends. My family knows that I never had serious relationships with a girls so I think they suspect something but they never asks me to confirm the fact. I don't say I never liked the girls but at some point something has changed and I became more into guys. Now live abroad and I can live a life as being gay but still I am afraid that somebody will notice me in a gay bar or gay dating website. So I just keep on hiding from everybody. I am 24 and I think it is time to do something. What would be you advices? What should I do?


    Not to be snide, but rather than ask the advice of strangers who have their own agendas, why not blow $500 and speak with a therapist about your specific situation?
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    Jul 07, 2011 10:59 PM GMT
    magnus87 saidI appreciate your opinion. I also think that sometimes it would be better just to come out, but it seems so hard. All the time doubts kill me. I am financially independent for a long time so I don't need to ask my parents to support me. So if they reacted badly, I would not starve icon_smile.gif But it is a feeling that I don't want to let them down. But as you said at once I need to be selfish and to think about my self.

    Thanks a lot for your opinion!


    I don't think you are being selfish. You are being honest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    Just tell 'em. I juggled the decision back and forth for a really long time. I was afraid relationships would change, yadda yadda. I finally recently came out to my friends and made it an openly known thing. I have yet to have a negative reaction, but then again that may be because I choose to surround myself with good, genuine people. All of my friendships have gotten stronger by telling them. My straight guy friends want to hang out even more now.

    Basically what I am saying is that I waited a long time and made a huge deal about it and it ended up being really dramatic of me haha. I wish I came out sooner.
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    Jul 08, 2011 1:03 AM GMT
    staples_jockey said
    gonzalomiranda6 said...

    Um. I'm wondering why a young girl is on RJ giving coming out advice. icon_eek.gif


    She probably is either:

    a) an Exhibit G of very feminine proportions

    b) an actual female just cruising the site for pics of hot guys

    Looks more like (b) to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 1:20 AM GMT
    magnus87 saidHi everyone,

    I need some advices. I finally accepted myself as being gay, but I am still in the closet. I don't have enough courage to say that to my family or my closest friends. My family knows that I never had serious relationships with a girls so I think they suspect something but they never asks me to confirm the fact. I don't say I never liked the girls but at some point something has changed and I became more into guys. Now live abroad and I can live a life as being gay but still I am afraid that somebody will notice me in a gay bar or gay dating website. So I just keep on hiding from everybody. I am 24 and I think it is time to do something. What would be you advices? What should I do?


    It shouldn't be as hard to tell your closest friends. If they have a problem with it, then fuck them. That's what I plan to do at college when I start sophomore year this fall.

    You're abroad. I wish I was in your position. I think that you should come out to whoever you want to come out to. Your family can wait for now.

    I'm still in the closet. My only worry is that I will get kicked out and I have no way to support myself. I also live in a country where you can get life in prison for engaging in homosexual activity and most people support encourage homophobia everywhere. So, coming out to family, relatives and friends from back home isn't an option for me right now. I do plan to come because I know that I will be able to live much more comfortably. You deserve to live your life in ways that make you happy.

    Are you financially stable? Do you have somewhere to live? Are you living in a country where you won't be in danger if you're "publicly gay"? If yes to all these questions, then I'd say COME OUT icon_razz.gif

    Good luck and I hope everything works out for you. Let us know what you decide to do.
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    Jul 08, 2011 1:32 AM GMT
    My advice is to muster up the courage to come out to someone you're really close with and you know for a fact will be supportive (I'm assuming that person exists for you--I hope he/she does). This will be a HUGE step in letting some of the air out of the tires, so to speak. Until you just get it out, say it outloud, to someone, then you can still keep pretending like it's not really real or it's not something you have to deal with. I say this from experience. Once your being gay exists outside of your head, and you hear someone else talk kindly and compassionately about it with you, it will make the next time you come out to someone at least 50 percent easier. And so on and so forth. The hardest part is the first time, just saying the words to someone and forcing yourself to be true to yourself. So do it strategically, pick the right person, and you'll see that it gets soooo much easier from there.

    Also, if you need some liquid courage for the first time, a drink or two ain't a bad idea--but nothing more! Don't get shitfaced or anything. Just a drink to make the nerves calm down a little bit. If drinking is your thing of course....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 1:46 AM GMT
    alphatrigger said
    staples_jockey said
    gonzalomiranda6 said...

    Um. I'm wondering why a young girl is on RJ giving coming out advice. icon_eek.gif


    She probably is either:

    a) an Exhibit G of very feminine proportions

    b) an actual female just cruising the site for pics of hot guys

    Looks more like (b) to me.



    I notice in the link to ED that ftf still has ac2394 listed as banned. Not true.

    http://www.realjock.com/ac2394
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 4:51 AM GMT
    Also, SunnySoFla advice is good.

    I first came out in January of this year and I was being all dramatic about it. It took me one hour to finally tell my close friend and I didn't even say it- I typed it on my phone and showed it to her. icon_lol.gif I knew that she would never, ever mind and that she would support me. That's why I chose her. You should first tell a few people who you know can support you icon_smile.gif I hope you have at least one such person.

    After that, it became VERY easy to tell people. I told her boyfriend, three counselors, one professor and a few more students. I'm out but I say I'm not out because most people (my family included) don't know.

    And yea, go at your own pace. You're not in a rush to let the whole dang world know that you love penis. No one needs to know. There's no real deadline. Tell people whenever you feel comfortable.
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Jul 08, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    u need to take it at your pace first of all, and when u r ready to come out totally u will, i will say u will be alot more happier when u r but hey take your time is the most important thing i can say to u.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jul 08, 2011 5:04 AM GMT
    Those family and friends that truly love and care for you would want ya to be one thing.... happy.....Tell em....and get on with it.....Good Luck....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:55 AM GMT
    just do it and don't look back. when i came out, it wasn't about what people said about it, it was a burden lifted off my shoulders. It's like reaching the top of a mountain and getting that rush of accomplishment.

    Who cares what others think, and its not like you are doing any favors to yourselves or others by hiding out. people need blunt truth, and you need to live to your full extent.

    Simple as that.
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:04 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf you want to have sex with really hot guys, stay in the closet, because most of them are closeted as well and won't have anything to do with openly gay guys.
    If you want to have a relationship, grow some balls and come out.


    So true Paul - very wise man! icon_smile.gif