Emotionally needy or distant?

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    Jul 08, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    Sometimes I wonder if I'm emotionally needy---either that, or my boyfriend is too emotionally distant. What would you guys consider the definition of being emotionally needy and/or distant?
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    Jul 08, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    Why do you wonder if you're emotionally needy?

    Oddly enough, I've been accused of both.

    When I was much younger, I was the type of person that always needed affirmation. I needed to hear that you liked/loved me, I needed to hear that you thought I was sexy, I needed you to respond to my text right away or call me back immediately. I was clingy, and a little bitch.

    My most recent ex claimed that I am too emotionally distant for him. Actually, he claimed that I am a cold-hearted sonofabitch and he hopes I spend the rest of my miserable existence alone, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, he was me ten years ago. I think I am actually somewhat balanced now, and he is emotionally needy.

    I think a person who is emotionally distant has barriers that cannot be penetrated. They don't give you glimpses into who they are, what they want out of life, how they feel... that kinda shit. I don't think a person who isn't touchy-feely or into babytalk and shit like that is emotionally distant. They're just a bit more reserved, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just need to find a balance to make the relationship work.

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    Jul 08, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    Wow, that was a great response!

    I am totally that person that constantly needs affirmation. Everything that you said you always wanted/needed to hear I want/need to hear too. I have been careful not to let this side of me show too much in my current relationship because I don't want to be THAT kind of guy. The fact of the matter, however, is that I sort of am. icon_neutral.gif What got me was that my boyfriend said all those things and sent all those texts constantly at the beginning of our relationship and I ate it all up. As the relationship progressed, however, this changed and that's when my perceived problems began.

    As far as whether or not my boyfriend is emotionally distant, I definitely wouldn't say that he's cold-hearted or anything like that, but I sometimes feel that there are certain barriers that my boyfriend has that can't be penetrated. You said it perfectly. And yet, he didn't always seem that way when we first started dating.

    As you said, it's finding this balance that I need to work on because the whole thing is driving me nuts, and I'm the type of person who perseverates on something always trying to find the solution.

    Thanks again for your input PowerFade, it is really appreciated! icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 08, 2011 3:48 AM GMT
    me11 saidWow, that was a great response!

    What got me was that my boyfriend said all those things and sent all those texts constantly at the beginning of our relationship and I ate it all up. As the relationship progressed, however, this changed and that's when my perceived problems began.


    That's usually the way it works.

    Generally after the horny/giggly/retarded infatuation stage is the boundaries stage. This is where the relationship either dies or progresses into a true LTR. Boundaries are set in the relationship, you might back off a little bit, get some space, that sorta thing. An emotionally needy person does not handle this stage well, and in response will ratchet up the intensity. That is what fucks shit up! The person on the receiving end freaks the hell out and is like "OMG this bitch is all up in my grill and talking about love and shit and I just want to watch NASCAR for a few minutes!"

    As for the perceived barriers, if the relationship progresses, the barriers will naturally come down. I think that's just human nature. Some people are simply more open than others, while some take longer to really get comfortable.

    Then again, maybe there's just not that much to him and what you see is what you get.
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    Jul 08, 2011 11:16 AM GMT
    I use to be extremely emotionally needy. It was fine at first because so was my boyfriend at the time. We both looked to each other for motivation, to wake up, to go out into the world and do something, to not feel so bad when we fucked up at something. To just know that no matter how low we felt, someone was going to be there.

    And unfortunately I grew out of a lot of it. I still like attention and i like for a guy to make his attraction towards me known and prefer to do the same, but what I don't need is a guy to motivate me. I am genuinely happier with a guy in my life, I genuinely enjoy making my boyfriend my best friend, but I can I motivate myself, I can excel for myself. i wake up because I like being alive, not because someone loves me. I write a guy because I like him and I want him around, not because I need him around.

    My bf was so Co-dependent, his friends would invite him out and if I didn't want to go he would choose to stay at home. Or if I ever asked for some time alone, he thought I was growing distant from him, when really I'm just the kind of guy that needs some alone time everynow and then.

    My ex could not understand this. It was not good for him at all. He was still so extremely needy. which there isn't anything wrong with. Its just important to be with a guy who can meet your needs. My next boyfriend will need to be a bit more independent.