Boyfriend's not great at bottoming, topping, or oral...

  • Agency

    Posts: 12

    Jul 08, 2011 5:29 PM GMT
    My partner is "still getting used" to bottoming. I haven't counted, but I know that he's bottomed for me less than ten times in the four years we've been dating. He has TMJ and can only take 1-2 inches of me during oral, which is not satisfying. I'm versatile and enjoy bottoming, but he stops thrusting when he tops. So I'm not getting satisfaction from topping, oral topping, or passive bottoming.

    Are these break-up-able offenses? We're well-matched in most other ways, hence the long-term of our relationship.

    Just curious if any of you out there have been through this...and what to do.

    Thanks.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jul 08, 2011 5:45 PM GMT
    If your relationship is good in all other respects, then it's worth working on. Sex is an important part of a relationship - so you need to communicate with your partner and let him know that things need to be worked on to keep things good in the bedroom. He may have some issues, too, so keep an open mind and work on it together. It's give and take, equally.
    Plan some sex sessions to focus on taking your time and pleasuring each other. If sex is always rushed, then no one is satisifed.
    If he's not open to working things out, then there may be more going on that you need to talk about. He should be concerned with your pleasure - and I hope that you're concerned about his too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 5:46 PM GMT
    Have you tried spending more time teaching him?

    You can teach someone how to have good sex, but other things you cant really change.
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    Jul 08, 2011 5:54 PM GMT
    uhm...he just sounds like a lazy lover. What condition stops him from thrusting when topping..? Maybe politely open his eyes to what more you need.icon_eek.gif
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    Jul 08, 2011 6:07 PM GMT
    Jay0416 saiduhm...he just sounds like a lazy lover. What condition stops him from thrusting when topping..? Maybe politely open his eyes to what more you need.icon_eek.gif



    I don't think it is his 'eyes' that need to opened.
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    Jul 08, 2011 6:32 PM GMT
    Hothouse saidIf your relationship is good in all other respects, then it's worth working on. Sex is an important part of a relationship - so you need to communicate with your partner and let him know that things need to be worked on to keep things good in the bedroom. He may have some issues, too, so keep an open mind and work on it together. It's give and take, equally.
    Plan some sex sessions to focus on taking your time and pleasuring each other. If sex is always rushed, then no one is satisfied.
    If he's not open to working things out, then there may be more going on that you need to talk about. He should be concerned with your pleasure - and I hope that you're concerned about his too.


    This...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    Send him to me if he's hot. I'm not into that stuff anyway. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Agency

    Posts: 12

    Jul 08, 2011 7:19 PM GMT

    Thanks for the replies, varied as they are.

    I find the option of "teaching" him to be unappealing -- it has the effect of highlighting the performance deficit and infantalizes or at least juvenilizes him, which is a total killer of desire for me. I am attracted to sexual confidence, and I miss being with guys who are sexually confident. Being with someone who takes what he wants is hot.

    I suspect communication is the next step, but I am avoiding that for two reasons:

    (1) when we have communicated about it before, it was very hard on him
    (2) due to his TMJ, I suspect he will never be able to give deep oral (which I love)

    I have encouraged him to have more sexual experiences with other guys to gain some confidence, but I am not sure that is his thing.

    These replies are helpful. I would appreciate any further perspective you all can share.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jul 08, 2011 8:06 PM GMT
    Is your sexual relationship exclusive - or are you open? (sounds like it's open.) If you're secure enough in your commitment to each other, you may need to have some needs/desires met with other men. Again, I have to say that you've got to establish a good line of communication between you before you can make any progress. He may not like to hear it, but you're going to find yourself more frustrated and unsatified otherwise, and that is going to effect other aspects of the relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    This describes an ex bf of mine. Please note the designator "EX".

    We lasted a year, but then I couldn't take it.
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    Jul 08, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    Agency said

    I have encouraged him to have more sexual experiences with other guys to gain some confidence, but I am not sure that is his thing.


    Hang on a second...

    So, you're in an open relationship? If that's your agreed arrangement, and he's okay with it, then you have plenty of room to seek out what you really enjoy elsewhere. And your 4-year relationship can continue to evolve in the areas which you both seem to find fulfillment in. No?

    Yeah, it's a drag that you can't have it all in this one guy. I'm in a similar situation. I'd love it if my BF were more into anal, but topping just isn't his thing, and he finds bottoming too uncomfortable. I'm a lot more eager and adventurous but, hey... you work with what you got.

    I'm all for communication between partners, and I would appreciate my BFs willingness to put out for me on occasion just because it's what I want.

    But at the same time, who wants a reluctant lover? That's a total turnoff for me.

    I keep going back to Dan Savage's description of "the price of admission."
  • lykewise

    Posts: 30

    Jul 08, 2011 8:32 PM GMT
    Agency said

    I have encouraged him to have more sexual experiences with other guys to gain some confidence, but I am not sure that is his thing.


    This is probably harder from him to hear.
    That sounds really shitty when you are in a (open) relationship and the person you are with is telling you to get sex with others so it will get better...

    I think you should really discuss what you want, else its not gonna change.
    Or at least do something together, but sending him out alone to get some sexual experiences isn't gonna help, I think that is going to make the situation worse...

    Hope it will work it with you two.
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    Jul 09, 2011 12:26 AM GMT
    You need to ask yourself an important question and answer it truthfully.

    What do you value MORE with your man? The emotional bond you have with him (being together with him for 4 years) or to have awesome sex?

    I'm surprised that it took you 4 years to finally realize that there is a problem in your relationship with respect to sex. Reason being is that it is hard to force him to get better at sex... as with everything, a good fucker comes with practise and patience.

    You need to take it slow with him. How about just pure foreplay (no bottoming and no topping at all) first?

    Then, when he is more comfortable with the concept of anal, you can try it out.

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    Jul 09, 2011 1:03 AM GMT
    Agency saidMy partner is "still getting used" to bottoming. I haven't counted, but I know that he's bottomed for me less than ten times in the four years we've been dating. He has TMJ and can only take 1-2 inches of me during oral, which is not satisfying. I'm versatile and enjoy bottoming, but he stops thrusting when he tops. So I'm not getting satisfaction from topping, oral topping, or passive bottoming.

    Are these break-up-able offenses? We're well-matched in most other ways, hence the long-term of our relationship.

    Just curious if any of you out there have been through this...and what to do.

    Thanks.


    It sounds like both of you should talk about the sex, what it means to both of you and it's importance in the relationship. You don't say if you guys have talked this out over the 4 years you've been together. I find a lot guys focus so much on the other stuff in the relationship and forget about the intimacy as well as the sex. Intimacy plays a HUGE part of it. But I do think that he should allow you to help him figure out exactly what role he should have. You should also express what is happening wrong during it and tell him what to do to correct it for the pleasure of both of you. Afterall, neither of you are mind readers. I don't think these are necessarily deal breakers. It's level of importance to you in the relationship will decide that and only you can make that determination. Good luck.