Is the "inside" really whats most important?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    This might be redundant asking this on a gay fitness site.

    We all preach that when it comes to relationships eventually its what on the inside that matters. What if you met a great guy who adored u, wanted to love you & shower you with affection & love. You have a great connection with but he doesnt workout & is outta shape.

    Also, since no one is perfect, he totally accepted you for you, kisses good & the sex is good. Do you think the relationship has a chance of lasting.

    Even though this guy im seeing is totally opposite of what I look for physically, hes everything I love emotionally & he treats me so lovingly. Can it last? Am i being to superficial?
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    Jul 08, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    Uh, I believe we have a sexual orientation for a reason.

    I think of sexual orientation, or I guess physical appearance, as the thing that makes it a possibility for me to accept affections from that person.

    Physical appearance is both one of the most important and one of the least important things at the same time. It is important because it is what initially intrigues you. It is the least important because it is not the thing that really makes you wanna stay with that person.

    ...Well, I suppose I should just speak for myself.

    Anyways! I can say with confidence that it is the emotional and intellectual bond I have with another guy that makes me want to stay. To have them in my life. To care deeply about them. To love them. To be deeply, deeply sexually stimulated with them.

    Because let's face it, I can have sex with a whole bunch of people. I can have sex with hot people. I'm pretty sure there are a bunch of hot guys with poor taste that would pick me up in the second. (Takes all kinds to make the world) There are not very many guys that can share a very personal, very intimate, almost sacrosanct bond with me. Perhaps it comes down to priority. I know a lot of people who have wayyyyyy different priorities than I do- they are not for me.
  • lykewise

    Posts: 30

    Jul 08, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    I think you should watch this gay couple, they are really honest.
    Who have been together really long and started adopting.

    They started as really good friends and said the sex was weird for the first year. But they are still together happy and all.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

    They have lots of advice and stories.

    I think it could work,
    But in what way is he not your physical type?
    Is it something that can be fixed like bodyfat?
    Or something that can't be fixed like skincolor, height or even something as eyecolor...

    Good luck, hope you respond
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    Jul 08, 2011 8:28 PM GMT
    lykewise saidI think you should watch this gay couple, they are really honest.
    Who have been together really long and started adopting.

    They started as really good friends and said the sex was weird for the first year. But they are still together happy and all.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

    They have lots of advice and stories.

    I think it could work,
    But in what way is he not your physical type?
    Is it something that can be fixed like bodyfat?
    Or something that can't be fixed like skincolor, height or even something as eyecolor...

    Good luck, hope you respond



    Its mainly his size/shape. He says he wants to lose weight & workout but does nothing about it. Even though hes heavier than I like I still find him attractive, he kisses good, sex is good & he adores me. Even though im scared to death of starting something new since getting out of my relationship 6 months ago, hes the first guy ive even considered dating or letting myself fall for.

    He says he knows hes falling in love with me & wont stop until im his & fall in love with him. I told him I take love very seriously & refuse to say i love him until im sure, but i feel myself falling for him & it scares the shit out of me emotionally & because hes not my usual type of guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 8:34 PM GMT
    You can put a man on a diet but not his personality.

    Sure there's a plethora of guys <24yrs with great bodies, full head of hair, no visible signs of age. That starts to decrease rapidly after a certain point (~25). Then when you get to 30 the number of attractive men out there really diminishes. I call this the desperation period.

    I've watched many of my friends dispose of one guy after another because the guy didn't fit the 'gold' standard, and unfortunately they are now in their 30s, nothing special, and without ever even having one relationship. That's scary.

    The cycle repeats.
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    Jul 08, 2011 8:47 PM GMT
    It really is what on the inside that matters, that makes people WANT to stay together. Outside beauty fades with age, INNER beauty can grow.

    So what if he's a little overweight or whatever. If his heart and soul is a good match for you, then that is all that matters.

    I think you're just a little scared about falling in love with this sky. GOOD, it sounds like he does mean something to you and falling in love is scary!! Sounds like your brain is trying to get in the way of heart, and trying to give you an excuse to end this now.

    To be quite honest, my husband is not the type of guy who I was attracted to (I like admiring big beefy guys, like Jason Varitcek and Youkilis from the RedSox). but damn, my heart overruled my dick! and it's been 17 years together.

    But do you have to rush things, no. let him know you're skittish coming off of another relationship.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 08, 2011 9:04 PM GMT
    i think it does ultimately ends up being what's on the inside. we all have dated the really cute or hot chic or guy who was not smartest or really had much to talk but we dated them anyway. after a while it was fun but it got old. therefore, it does matters what's on the inside if you are looking for something serious and long lasting. if not than it does not matter at all
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:13 PM GMT
    redbull said
    We all preach that when it comes to relationships eventually its what on the inside that matters.


    I don't think that is quite true. What most believe is that unless there is something on the inside, the outside does not matter.

    You sound like a great guy. Here's my perspective on the issue you are tagging.

    If you are attracted to the guy, then you are attracted to the guy. So you answered your own question.

    My concern would be your boyfriend. He got what he wanted....a good looking built, athletic guy. But he's not willing to become or try to become more fit so that he can be more what you want, physically.

    To me that tells me that something is wrong on the inside, even if he adores you now.
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:38 PM GMT
    It seems to me you aren't exactly sure about this. You enjoy the attention he gives you but you seem to be talking yourself into liking him.

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    Jul 08, 2011 9:39 PM GMT
    redbull said What if you met a great guy who adored u, wanted to love you & shower you with affection & love.


    And he called you on the phone 24/7, stalked you outside of your home and murdered your other friends so he'd have you to himself.

    Relationships are complicated from every angle. You can't oversimplify any aspect of them, and that goes also for the "Its not the outside that matter, it's the inside!". It's everything. It's him, it's you, it's where you live what you do how you were raised what ice cream flavor you like. Everything plays a factor.
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    Definitely. I have dated a few class A hotties, and it wasn't their looks that didn't work out. I've had to turn a couple down upfront, cause I could tell that even though they had a rippling chest, we didnt have much in common.
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:42 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    redbull said What if you met a great guy who adored u, wanted to love you & shower you with affection & love.


    And he called you on the phone 24/7, stalked you outside of your home and murdered your other friends so he'd have you to himself.

    Relationships are complicated from every angle. You can't oversimplify any aspect of them, and that goes also for the "Its not the outside that matter, it's the inside!". It's everything. It's him, it's you, it's where you live what you do how you were raised what ice cream flavor you like. Everything plays a factor.


    Agreed. Plus every situation is different. If a guy is Latino, then he gets a free pass for stuff like this. I mean, Latinos are allowed to go crazy in love with someone on the first date, right?

    Well, I guess if there fucking ripped they are.
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    lykewise saidI think you should watch this gay couple, they are really honest.
    Who have been together really long and started adopting.

    They started as really good friends and said the sex was weird for the first year. But they are still together happy and all.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

    They have lots of advice and stories.

    I think it could work,
    But in what way is he not your physical type?
    Is it something that can be fixed like bodyfat?
    Or something that can't be fixed like skincolor, height or even something as eyecolor...

    Good luck, hope you respond

    Dang that's weird.. I've been listening to that same exact song all day.
    Oh and to me it sounds like this is your guy. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    SexyN3rd saidDefinitely. I have dated a few class A hotties, and it wasn't their looks that didn't work out. I've had to turn a couple down upfront, cause I could tell that even though they had a rippling chest, we didnt have much in common.



    Um hummmm........icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:47 PM GMT
    turbobilly said
    SexyN3rd saidDefinitely. I have dated a few class A hotties, and it wasn't their looks that didn't work out. I've had to turn a couple down upfront, cause I could tell that even though they had a rippling chest, we didnt have much in common.



    Um hummmm........icon_lol.gif


    lol, this reminds me of a time when I went on a date with a hot guy and he said "guys only date me for my body and dick."

    My first thought was "If you think that you bring nothing else to the table, thats just sad."

    I mean, Im cute and get a lot of attention for my body, but people tend to be attracted to me and want to stay for my personality, intelligence, and motivation lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2011 9:54 PM GMT
    I believe external beauty is what brings you together and internal beauty keeps you together icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    KKafer said
    lykewise saidI think you should watch this gay couple, they are really honest.
    Who have been together really long and started adopting.

    They started as really good friends and said the sex was weird for the first year. But they are still together happy and all.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

    They have lots of advice and stories.

    Good luck, hope you respond

    Dang that's weird.. I've been listening to that same exact song all day.


    Wow they both look like great guys. I find monogamy very attractive! The kids are adorable too. Good luck to them.

    To answer the OP's question.
    What's on the inside IS the most important part. There's no point being on this website ( or out in life in general) if you have the looks of a mannequin and a personality to match..

    Once those looks are gone - you're running on empty!

    As for the song - you can't go wrong with 'Breathe Me' by Sia. Interesting to hear a male cover of it though!
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:09 PM GMT
    From what you've posted in the past and the couple emails we've shared, I think you may be gun shy and rightly so. Since it hasn't been very long since your ex, (and all that entailed), I would expect you to be very leery of anyone else, especially since you have your son to consider.

    It is about what is on the inside...(thank goodness or I would never have found the love of my life.lol) But.. with that said, we do have to have some physical attraction. I think it's the whole package. When we find our "mate", he will not be perfect in every aspect. Many times, our relationships fail or don't even get off the ground because we want perfection in our mate and expect them to be the all perfect, affectionate, considerate, bedroom maniac, 7% body fat, major guns, etc.... but, somewhere, we have to compromise because he won't be perfect in every aspect. If he is the man for you, then you may just have to compromise on the weight issue....IF he is the man for you.

    How big a deal is the weight issue? Have you seen photos of him in the past? Is he trending toward more weight gain, or has he already lost weight, or is he at a consistent weight? Have you tried to gently nudge him into working out with you as a workout partner? Have you gently nudged him into changing his eating habits?

    I do know one thing. You are a good man and you deserve an equally good man.. No.. let me rephrase that. You and your son deserve an equally good man.

    I would say that no longer than you have been single, not to rush. Even if you are falling for him, it doesn't mean that you have to commit. Give it time to see if you can nudge him into a healthier lifestyle if it is an issue for you. Then, make the decision at that point.

    Paul

    P.S. I know many of us here would hate to see you and your son get hurt again. HUGS
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    Personality is not an effective eye bleach.
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidFrom what you've posted in the past and the couple emails we've shared, I think you may be gun shy and rightly so. Since it hasn't been very long since your ex, (and all that entailed), I would expect you to be very leery of anyone else, especially since you have your son to consider.

    It is about what is on the inside...(thank goodness or I would never have found the love of my life.lol) But.. with that said, we do have to have some physical attraction. I think it's the whole package. When we find our "mate", he will not be perfect in every aspect. Many times, our relationships fail or don't even get off the ground because we want perfection in our mate and expect them to be the all perfect, affectionate, considerate, bedroom maniac, 7% body fat, major guns, etc.... but, somewhere, we have to compromise because he won't be perfect in every aspect. If he is the man for you, then you may just have to compromise on the weight issue....IF he is the man for you.

    How big a deal is the weight issue? Have you seen photos of him in the past? Is he trending toward more weight gain, or has he already lost weight, por is he at a consistent weight? Have you tried to gently nudge him into working out with you as a workout partner? Have you gently nudged him into changing his eating habits?

    I do know one thing. You are a good man and you deserve an equally good man.. No.. let me rephrase that. You and your son deserve an equally good man.

    I would say that no longer than you have been single, not to rush. Even if you are falling for him, it doesn't mean that you have to commit. Give it time to see if you can nudge him into a healthier lifestyle if it is an issue for you. Then, make the decision at that point.
    p
    Paul

    P.S. I know many of us here would hate to see you and your son get hurt again. HUGS



    Thx paul... i am taking things slowly. Just the idea of this maybe working out scares me. Hes great with kids. Helps take care of his nephews, even had custody of his exs kids for 6 mnths. He seems like a great guy, im just so scared to go down that road again. He said hes gonna wait on me no matter what. Hes so sincere & passionate.
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:52 PM GMT
    He sounds like a smart man if he is willing to wait on you until you are ready to move forward... if that is what you decide to do. Maybe he realizes that 6 months isn't long after the relationship you and your son had with your ex. I know in a previous thread you started, you said that your son, even 5 months after the breakup, would still tell you how much he missed your ex. I'm sure you've shared this with your new friend. It sounds like he is understanding and giving you the time you need to work things out. What a gem... icon_smile.gif .

    So..... do you think he will work on his weight? Do you think he may be interested in being your workout buddy?
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    Jul 08, 2011 10:52 PM GMT
    I totally expected all of the responses to say "if he doesn't work out, that shows weakness of character and THAT's why I wouldn't be with him", and I was expecting to have to say "BULLSHIT, if it was a medical problem preventing him from having a fit body, you still wouldn't go for him. Go watch some more Oprah". But I'm wrong and impressed. Well done humans!

    I think the outside matters, but people are willing to take a hit on looks if the inside is wonderful. I can't recall seeing any couple with a gorgeous man with an ugly man who is just such a good person.

    The only chance would be if they were stuck together long enough for the hottie to get really attached to ugly's gooey innards. But rarely will a hottie slum with uglies when he's got all kinds of other hotties banging down his door. New hot guys will always get chosen first on the slim chance that they've got the goods inside to match the outside.

    As much as I commend you for trying to make it work with this guy, and hope that it does.. if his current body isn't turning you on, and he won't change on his own, I think it's best to cross the bridge into Friendsland. Pushing someone to change themselves for you is a wonderful start to a terrible relationship.
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    Jul 08, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    redbull said
    lykewise saidI think you should watch this gay couple, they are really honest.
    Who have been together really long and started adopting.

    They started as really good friends and said the sex was weird for the first year. But they are still together happy and all.

    http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

    They have lots of advice and stories.

    I think it could work,
    But in what way is he not your physical type?
    Is it something that can be fixed like bodyfat?
    Or something that can't be fixed like skincolor, height or even something as eyecolor...

    Good luck, hope you respond



    Its mainly his size/shape. He says he wants to lose weight & workout but does nothing about it. Even though hes heavier than I like I still find him attractive, he kisses good, sex is good & he adores me. Even though im scared to death of starting something new since getting out of my relationship 6 months ago, hes the first guy ive even considered dating or letting myself fall for.

    He says he knows hes falling in love with me & wont stop until im his & fall in love with him. I told him I take love very seriously & refuse to say i love him until im sure, but i feel myself falling for him & it scares the shit out of me emotionally & because hes not my usual type of guy.


    For what it's worth I don't think the primary issue you have here is with his physicality... from what you've said, it seems you have a need to take things a little (or a lot) slower than he does... that shouldn't be an issue if he's willing and you keep the lines of communication open...

    In any case, i don't think you have a significant problem with his 'outside'... from what you've said, the problem with him for you seems to be with his lack of motivation to get fit when he clearly indicates he wants to... that is a character trait which stems from the inside... you may or may not be able to motivate him... if not, are you satisfied that in this area your interests diverge? given fitness is important to you, that will dictate whether the relationship lasts... i say go for it!

    To answer your actual question, for me it would depend... as has already been said, initial attraction is physical, so there'd be limited opportunity to meet someone who was physically vastly different to what I'd normally be attracted to... there's a difference between outta shape and obese, the first probably wouldn't have an issue 'performing' in a relationship, the latter probably would... and let's face it, that would be a deal breaker...
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Jul 08, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    What is inside me is very important. Very.
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    Jul 08, 2011 11:16 PM GMT
    swimbikerun saidWhat is inside me is very important. Very.


    only 12" right?