Losing your friend to a man.

  • Nico3_0

    Posts: 34

    Jul 15, 2011 6:20 AM GMT
    So im torn lately with how to react to a friend ive had for a while. I dont have any sexual feelings for him so its not jealousy that drives me.

    So, my friend started a relationship with this guy in December so obviously they aint going anywhere anytime soon. My friend and i talked and hung out all the time before this current relationship, but NOW that he has this guy he no longer is around. He doesnt text me unless he is at church on sunday, he only calls me after work randomly and infrequently.
    Ive tried to lend an olive branch to his boyfriend, sending a message to try to plan a surprise birthday party. No response. And sent a friend request, nothing. My friend says this guy is always busy and never on facebook but he has the time to change his profile pics and crap?...

    Some people have told me to wait it out because when it ends ill have to be there to help him through the tough times, bull i say. Im a backup and dont care to be that. He even told me once that he and i could hang out during the summer because his boyfriend would be out of town. Really?...say that to your close friend, oh ill hang with you because my significant other will be unavailable?

    So i ask you, have you had this happen to you with a friend, straight or gay, and should i just give up?
  • jasen202

    Posts: 42

    Jul 15, 2011 8:31 AM GMT
    A real friend should never be inconvene, always take the time to respond and apologize for his mistakes.

    I would feel disrepected as a friend if I was in your situation. I'm not sure what to tell you. If the friendship is that important to you, then maybe you should tell your friend how this is causing issues in your friendship. Throw the issue back to your friend's face and let him deal with it and respond to you.

    Since he is in a relationship, I've notice friendship takes a back seat but there is a respectful way to not alienate your friends. See it as an opportunity to train and help your friend as well.
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Jul 15, 2011 11:14 AM GMT
    Dude I totally understand what your feeling and what you'd like to say, or maybe, I'm more vocal and in your face regardless of where we are.

    So back about 6 months ago one of my best buds, who I got to join this site and now that he's moved, he might or might not read this, either way I'm going to tell the little story why cause its warranted and helps bridge the gap of understanding a little and I want to tell it.

    So buddy ends up semi unofficially seeing this guy who had just taken a break from his partner of a few years. They hooked up a few times and hit it off very well, dinners, dates, movies, walks, the whole nine yards. It goes on for about 5 months but they are not dating...but only sleep with each other, or so I'm told, I don't know but still it had all the qualities of a good dating thing going on except they weren't dating...

    Anywho during the time I've asked him about movies, walks, dinners at our place, dinners at restaurants, etc. and always last minute he cancels cause his "boy" wants some us time. So I was cool with it, I get it its new and fun and what not but its not dating, its sex, movie and some cuddle time in most cases lol so one day we were working out together, well I was training him and an important date was coming up and I asked if he was free then and he said "I'll have to ask BLANK first see if we have anything planned" to which I said "oh you two are finally dating now, awesome about fucking time!" to which he said "no we're not dating yet, I've brought it up a few times but he never wants to answer" so I said then if your not dating and you don't have plans yourself that day you are free then right?" he said "I don't know its up to him what we are doing" and I said "but your not dating so why should you need his permission and even if you were why would you need his permission anyways!" and he said this and this was the BEST part of it all "you know if you were a good friend you'd understand and support me in this, he's going through a rough patch in his life and needs me to be there, if you were a good friend you would understand"

    HAHAHAHAHA fuck off two can play that fucking game I thought...

    I busted out laughing loud as hell and said "okay fuck you I'm done being your personal trainer and at this point your so called good friend" and walked to the change room got dressed and came back out and while he was talking to his "boi" and yelled this "you know if you were a so called close friend you wouldn't treat me or my partner this way, we've been there for you for a lot and you always ALWAYS snub us for something else, go fuck this stick and if your bleeding on the sidewalk I might throw you a tissue but don't expect anything else, fucking asshole!"

    Sure it was a scene but the point is that there is a breaking point to pushing the friend away and he crossed it. Sometimes you have to put them in their place and make them understand how much of yourself you invested into them and if they can't see that then I'm sorry matey but they aren't that close to you as you are to them icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2011 11:46 AM GMT
    That happened to me with my former friend. Trust me, the moment they break up all the sudden you're his BFForever again.

    And above someone said couples have couples friends. This is absolutely true. I guess it's the SO feeling more secure thing. If they hangout with available men, they're afraid their spouse will end up falling in love with the single guy.
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Jul 15, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    cityaznguy saidThat happened to me with my former friend. Trust me, the moment they break up all the sudden you're his BFForever again.

    And above someone said couples have couples friends. This is absolutely true. I guess it's the SO feeling more secure thing. If they hangout with available men, they're afraid their spouse will end up falling in love with the single guy.


    I don't think that's the case if you and your partner are comfortable and honest and secure in the relationship, there shouldn't be anything to worry about if you have single or coupled friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2011 11:59 AM GMT
    you sure have some jealousy problems with this. he has a shiny new boyfriend and clearly they are intense about whatever is going on.

    it is also possible that he didnt let you on facebook because he dont know you well enough.

    I think it would be healthy for you to build more friendships so this loss of time spent with your friend doesnt seem like such a loss
  • Nico3_0

    Posts: 34

    Jul 15, 2011 12:21 PM GMT
    For the most part thank you all,

    I get the "couples friends" comment hockey david. And your also right with the friends comment, MY friend has met all of his bf's friends. Gone to dinner with them, gone on vacations multiple times with them. To one degree i cant understand why the bf wouldnt put himself out there to get to know me, as he has had multiple occasions to do so, BUT it takes two to tango and obviously my friend hasnt put forth the effort.

    And MSPadventures, your right. We all have jealousy issues to one degree or another, whether that be how much nicer someone else's car is. How much better a seat a person got at a movie theater...penis envy...what have you. The thing is in this situation that i dont allow the jealousy to consume the large majority of time. My friend has had much time and energy invested in him, and as any investment i dont want it to fail. Its funny you say to me to "build more freindships" to make the seperation easier, but thats actually why im at this point now. Ive gone on so many dinner dates, played tennis, and just hung out with so many new people and other friends that you kinda just look back and see where your life has gone and changed.

    Oh, and i have called him out on it. Ive even told him how i dont think its a healthy relationship because the bf gets angry at my friend all the time for being even a minute late, causing him stress and making my friend just be anxious in general. But, he has no problem being an hour late to seeing me for the first time. Ya, he was an hour late and didnt even acknowledge it. Hes an ass and im fed up. At this point the ball is in his court and now he has to call the shots.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 15, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    Nico3_0 saidSo im torn lately with how to react to a friend ive had for a while. I dont have any sexual feelings for him so its not jealousy that drives me.


    I disagree. One can be very jealous and very resentful when they have a friend they like and appreciate and suddenly someone else steps into "their turf" with their friend....occupying time and the "close position" that he once did.

    Be honest, you resent the boyfriend. He hasn't been nice to you and he's taken your friend. You consider him a prick.

    Now I'm not trying to be critical, just encouraging you to be honest about how you feel. Many of us can relate in some manner. My suggestion is that you realize that your friend is in a romatic relationship with somebody he happens to care about. Suck it up and be happy for him and quit focusing on how much you have "lost" at this moment.
    It isn't a fun place to be, but if you are really a friend, you will respect..... and appreciate, his position. You aren't his boyfriend, you aren't in "2nd place" so to speak. You are a friend. Start acting like it.
    That means being supportive. If something negative happens with the relationship, that doesnt' mean "sticking in a knife", it means listening and offering reasonable guidance.

    As far as the "prick boyfriend", he has made it clear, he doesn't want to be friendly with you. So what? You tried. Go on about your business, develop other friends and above all......Don't sit around in a resentful mindset about the situation. Focus on the positives in your life and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2011 12:36 PM GMT
    This is all too common, both with straights and gays. It's also the reason I won't befriend anyone who's looking for a bf (or a gf)...they're always invisible once they find one.
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    Jul 15, 2011 12:41 PM GMT
    Seriously? It sounds like you are a bit jealous, somewhat miffed and a little threatened that your friend is spending more time with his BF and getting on with life and not bringing you along for the ride. Get over it and go find yourself a man. LOL. You make it sound like you are being replaced and I'm sure that's how you feel.

    Let them have their honeymoon moment. More importantly let the BF decide when he's ready to be your friend. You can't expect him to just up and become your friend instantly just because you extended a hand. It doesn't work like that and you need to realize it. Just let it run its course and don't force the issue otherwise you run the risk of losing both your friend for being all needy and ruining the chance to be his BF's friend. If the BF doesn't want to be your friend then you'll just have to suck it up and live with that fact. You are demanding too much from your friend just because he has someone in his life and you should be ashamed for acting this way.

    You aren't a back up but you aren't a priority either as far your friend's happiness. You are somewhere in the middle. Let your friend live his life with his BF for the time being. When you make an argument like this you sound needy and that fact that you have time to check up on your friend's BF status on facebook seems a bit creepy too. Just saying.

    I've had this happen to me many times. Shit happens and people change. You've got no control over it. This sort of thing tests your mettle for sure. You either stay strong or it slowly dwindles. Either way you have your answer in the end. Such is life. If he's a good friend then he'll contact you as needed and return your responses and make things work out. Right now he's giving his attention to his relationship because he probably doesn't know how to juggle both. Give him some slack and let it run it's course.
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    Jul 15, 2011 12:44 PM GMT
    inuman said
    cityaznguy saidThat happened to me with my former friend. Trust me, the moment they break up all the sudden you're his BFForever again.

    And above someone said couples have couples friends. This is absolutely true. I guess it's the SO feeling more secure thing. If they hangout with available men, they're afraid their spouse will end up falling in love with the single guy.


    I don't think that's the case if you and your partner are comfortable and honest and secure in the relationship, there shouldn't be anything to worry about if you have single or coupled friends.


    Haha I am obviously talking from personal experience point of view icon_wink.gif
  • Nico3_0

    Posts: 34

    Jul 15, 2011 12:54 PM GMT
    First of all...if the majority of you happen to read the follow up response ive already posted youd all stop talking about the whole jealousy aspect. What that first comment was about was me nodding at the fact that i dont have some secret sexual desires for my friend and therefore im jealous for that. No, dont wanna sleep with him so thats not the case.

    Guy, i dont fucking need a man in my life to make me contempt and saying that just shows how little independence you find for yourself. Secondly, im not ashamed of being human and having these feelings come up, and moreso im not ashamed to talk about them. Im not going to bottle it up and take it out on someone else. Right now im taking it out on you but eh...
    And facebook creepy is when you will go out of your way from all else to look at a profile, but considering a good friend of mine invited me to a birthday party of hers it clicked in my mind that this person never responded to my birthday email. See the connection...lets start putting two and two together. Have you ever heard the comment assuming things makes an ass out of you? Well...now you have. Oh, and again...if you read the first post youd see right there it started in December. Seriously dude.
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    Jul 15, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    WOW! First off that was sort of a little joke and second of all remember what your post is about so I wouldn't be quick to use words like "independence" if I were you in your situation because you clearly have some type of independence issue if you can't handle the fact that your friend is spending more time with his bf than with you. Don't get it twisted.

    You are jealous. Basic and apparent fact. You feel or felt like your were/are being replaced by your friends BF. That's as plain to see as the sun is bright. Oh and I read your 1st your post and I see the time line. Do you? Let me point out that it's been 7-8 months now so what "DO" you think the answer is? The BF didn't respond to a birthday invite. Big deal. Get over it. I'm sure he wasn't the only one who didn't respond and if he is the only person who didn't respond then that should be a sign. Oh and I didn't assume shit. I came to a conclusion and I'm basing my answer off of your info. Check yourself.

    You can take all the aggression out on me all you want. It ain't enough to hide a very clear fact and besides that you can't handle me so I wouldn't even try. I love how defensive people get when they set themselves up. Trust me when I say my first response was me being nice but if you want a nice little reality check then I can give you one and you won't like the results. Here's your sampler: You've been traded and you should probably look for another friend since 7-8 months has gone by with no success of the friendship bridge being crossed. You should've taken the hint when the BF showed up an hour late to meet you and wasn't apologetic about it. Denial and Ignorance must be bliss. On top of that the BF isn't making any effort to want to meet you or be around you hence he's always busy. Wonder why? Could it be that he's not trying to know you and is trying to know your friend instead and doesn't require to know you in order to do it? Or maybe he just flat out doesn't like you and in the reality of things he doesn't need a reason nor does he need to explain himself. Ding! Ding! Ding!.

    Follow your own advice and you start putting two and two together You need a little Ace of Base in your life so you can see the sign. LOL. Rookie. If you're gonna act like a little bitch over this and it's been 7-8 months already then I wouldn't want to hang out with your ass either since you seem jilted so yeah...seriously dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    You make a lot of important points that people seem to have glossed over, but the main point for me is that your friend hooked up with this guy in December and it still bothers you. If you've spoken to him about it and he hasn't been that forthcoming in terms of making some time to maintain your friendship, you need to accept the situation and move on. I'm not saying you should cut him out of your life, but you need to accept that your relationship with him has changed and that you should focus more on other important people in your life.

    It is a bit strange, however, that there is no attempt on his part to accommodate your friendship with him and to get to know his bf. I would feel strange about that if I were you. I always try to include my friends and a bf when I have one, because it's nice for important people in my life to get to know each other, hang out together and have a laugh.

    I hope you find a good resolution.
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    Jul 15, 2011 1:48 PM GMT
    Dude for the moment you have been replaced period! You are no longer number one. You are not his bestie! That position has now been taken over by his bf. You can either accept or cry about it.

    This does not mean that you are not his friend, he’s focused on building a life with is guy. Not once in rant did you mention that you are happy for him that they are actually a good fit!

    You have mad this all about you! Well it isn't.

    How many times did you text him or leave messages to hang out in one day? If it's more than five that's too many.

    You said you offered an olive branch, well it has strings attached because when he said to you "Well let's hang out when the bf is out of town", and you were insulted!
    Did you ever consider he said that because when he's gone you two can spend unlimited amount of time with each other because the bf is gone?

    No! You took that way too personal, like you were being treated like a step-child!
    Well you weren't. Things are different now. His relationship is first priority as well it should be, and you two are going through a transitional period in your friendship.


    That is problem that a lot people face when a good friend starts a relationship and the other one is still single! The one that is single feels jilted.

    Are you serious!

    MAN UP!
  • Orias

    Posts: 51

    Jul 16, 2011 7:12 PM GMT
    best thing to tell you is "Shit sucks, get over it".

    A few years back my best friend got a girlfriend. It wasn't a stranger, I had known her for years, and he had known 'about' her for years . She was a maneater, she'd flirt a few times, get guys hooked onto her, and then spit them out when she was no longer interested.

    I told him, even begged him not to do anything with her, not to fall for her as she's going to get bored very fast and she will crush you. He was like "yeah yeah I'll be fine" but obviously it was too late at that point.

    The worst part is witnessing your friend go from someone you know, someone you spoke to every day, to a stranger. The friend that in just a few weeks went from being your brother from another mother, to being "oh yeah, I know him" and it hurts so damn much, it hurts just even remembering them because you never thought you'd be flicked away like a cigarette butt.

    Your routine that you've taken for granted is gone, the daily chit chat and banter you had with your friend dissapears, your "Go to guy" for everything is now the one you can't go to.

    Fast forward 3 weeks, she lost all interest in him and at the same time he had fallen head over heels with her. They break up, he's all sad but doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and well he started hanging around with other people and didn't even want to hang out like we used to. I don't know what was up with that but it's his life not mine.
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    Jul 16, 2011 7:17 PM GMT
    Nico3_0 saidHe even told me once that he and i could hang out during the summer because his boyfriend would be out of town. Really?...say that to your close friend, oh ill hang with you because my significant other will be unavailable?


    My best friend just told me this too cus his girlfriend, who's a student, went back home for the summer. So annoying.