I don't try hard enough?

  • nooceansleft

    Posts: 61

    Jul 15, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    Hey guys
    I have a bit of a strange question. I'm not looking for pity as much as I am a few pointers. I don't see the point in being pissed about a situation if you're not taking any action to resolve the situation, and this being my largest point of contact with any significant quantity of people who might have experienced the same issues, I thought it might be a good start. K, here goes.

    So there's a few gay guys where I work. They're really nice guys, thought not exactly my cup of tea- one is extremely flamboyant, one is a complete sex addict who spends all day on Grindr, and the other....let's just say he's not the brightest crayon in the box (It took me two hours for him to get the difference between you're and your). The first two are both in steady relationships, and the last one just asked out the really attractive guy who makes our coffee out for dinner.

    I've actually never been in a relationship. And yeah, I'll admit it, I'm a little jealous. I was talking to the one who's going for coffee dinner date and he said he thinks it's because I don't try. They've all been around asking everything with a pulse and a penis out for drinks and I've been waiting around for guys to appear who are like the straight guys that my female friends date. (I mean normal, not necessarily straight/masculine*).

    And I thought about that for a while and I think he's right. I probably don't try hard enough. I mean, I'm on realjock, but that's about it. I don't have a gay pride tattoo on my forehead and most people don't pick me as gay unless I make a specific point to tell them so. The first two both met their guys online - i'd rather meet someone in the real world where potential partners are not defined by five pictures and 250 words or less. But I kind of feel like the extreme drought of any real relationships, or dates, or dinner, or movies, or anything in my life is probably not due entirely to external influences and may actually be me. What I'm doing isn't working. How do I make it work? How do I try harder**?





    *Yes, I hate this term too. Sorry.
    **Without auctioning myself off to the largest penis on Grindr.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Does anyone you know, have gay friends? They could set you up. If you don't have much contact with gay people, go to gay oriented places like a bar.

    But the thing that I noticed when I read your post is that you're waiting for a specific type of guy to appear. Maybe you've haven't noticed interested guys because of that.
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    Jul 15, 2011 6:00 PM GMT
    It's a funny one to try to give advice about really. I suppose if you're looking for a specific type of guy you need to find out where they are! (I hope that doesn't sound glib.) I know a couple of people who live in Sydney, but I haven't got the first clue about the city and that makes it tricky to give advice. But I think it's probably best to find out where the 'ordinary' blokes go and then to get in amongst them.

    Good luck!
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    Jul 15, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    I can't give much advice, since I've never dated either. I guess I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along. Til then, enjoy yourself and your life!
  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Jul 15, 2011 6:16 PM GMT
    I say go out to a gay bar in the area - bring some friends with you for back-up if you don't like bars in general. Have a drink or two and make some friends there. Gay friends tend to lead to other gay friends and who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone you like icon_smile.gif
  • jasen202

    Posts: 42

    Jul 15, 2011 9:27 PM GMT
    Same here. Read my post. At least I saw the guy I wanted to come up to.. Got to really try..

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    Jul 16, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    Maybe you should get the gay pride tattoo.

    Seriously, if you say that people wouldn't know that you're gay, then maybe some guy would ask you out but he thinks you're straight. If you want to go out on a date, then you need to be more proactive. You see a guy you like, then ask him out. You don't see any guys you'd like to date? Go find an activity you enjoy and find a group for it, particularly a gay oriented group. You'll be more comfortable doing something you like, and if you meet a guy you like though this activity then you'll already have something in common.
    Or find a cause that's dear to your heart and volunteer your time.
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    Jul 16, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    I relate to you. I look forward to seeing where this thread goes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    What's wrong with meeting guys online? Not all guys online are sluts, or douchebags, or pervs.... etc. One of my best friends, I met online and a couple other friends as well. ALL of them in monogamous relationships. Not all people are online looking for hookups. Most are, but not all. Give it a shot.

    Like the others have stated... get involved in some activities that you like and meet guys.
  • nooceansleft

    Posts: 61

    Jul 16, 2011 6:38 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the tips hey.
    ErmineYou see a guy you like, then ask him out. You don't see any guys you'd like to date? Go find an activity you enjoy and find a group for it, particularly a gay oriented group.


    That's kind of the thing. I do a LOT of stuff - I play in a few bands, I teach martial arts, I've got three jobs and a university degree to finish - but none of them are really 'gay oriented' activities*.


    *Please don't respond with "...what's a 'gay' activity?". You know what I mean.
    ErmineOr find a cause that's dear to your heart and volunteer your time.


    This I like. A while ago I had a few issues and went to see the counsellor at my university, who was really helpful. One of the things she said was that they were thinking of starting up a gay men's discussion group thing and was wondering if I'd like to help out. At the time I kind of felt like I'd rather burn my own dick off but maybe I'm thinking it's maybe time I swallowed my ego and dealt with it. Plus if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, right? And if I want to see more people like me, shouldn't I try being a little more visible?
    PaulNKSWhat's wrong with meeting guys online?

    I dunno. I understand that it works for a lot of people, but I kind of can't help the feeling that it's a little bit...reductive? And that if straight people don't have to resort to having essentially what is a GPS system in their pocket to find someone to date, why should gays? And I don't mean to sound like I have a matyr complex, but isn't it a little crappy for the gay community as a whole? I dunno, I just feel like I'd be compromising myself.
    Maybe I need to update my morals. I dunno.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2011 6:46 AM GMT
    85% of the USYD Campus is gay.

    You could start there icon_smile.gif

    xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2011 6:55 AM GMT
    I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help. Otherwise, my profile wouldn't still say "single." I blame my broken gaydar. I have no idea who's straight or gay around me, unless they are really, really obvious.

    I don't think searching for someone online is such a bad thing. More and more people are doing it because it's difficult to meet new people with our busy lives. Just look at it as a way to meet people you wouldn't ordinarily run into during your normal day-to-day activities. (At least, that's what I tell myself at night while I'm spooning my pillow. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2011 9:34 AM GMT
    Go to the gym, at least 70% of the guys are gay.

    The trick: if the guys look at your ass, package or whatever and then to your eyes, then are gay. If they interested in you, they would like aye contact. If the just look a bit to your body they are just admiring your body lol

  • nooceansleft

    Posts: 61

    Jul 16, 2011 9:53 AM GMT
    Celcious69 saidGo to the gym, at least 70% of the guys are gay.

    The trick: if the guys look at your ass, package or whatever and then to your eyes, then are gay. If they interested in you, they would like aye contact. If the just look a bit to your body they are just admiring your body lol



    I go to the gym. If I had a dollar for every guy that's tried to pick me up in the showers I'd be a rich man. That's really not the issue, hey.

    I don't mean to be a troll, but it's shit like this that gives the gay community such a rep. Shit like this that convinces kids that if they're gay their lives will comprise of meaningless sex in airport bathrooms, image obsession, and loneliness. I know it works for some, but it's really, really not me. Just my $0.02.
  • geebus

    Posts: 216

    Jul 16, 2011 10:44 AM GMT
    Mate if you're having trouble finding a date, the rest of us are pretty mug screwed. Just saying.

    Oh and the "85% of USyd is gay" statement, I wish I went to main!
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    Jul 16, 2011 10:55 AM GMT
    geebus saidMate if you're having trouble finding a date, the rest of us are pretty mug screwed. Just saying.

    Oh and the "85% of USyd is gay" statement, I wish I went to main!


    Main?

    A slight exaggeration on my part but when I am there the lisping is out of control. It is like we are all in a jumping castle and someone just poked a hole in the side.

    True story.

    xx
  • nooceansleft

    Posts: 61

    Jul 16, 2011 10:57 AM GMT
    Dammit, if only I was attracted to people who think using ' hey slut' as a greeting is endearing.
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    Jul 16, 2011 10:59 AM GMT
    nooceansleft saidDammit, if only I was attracted to people who think using ' hey slut' as a greeting is endearing.


    I think slut-face on occasion is totally endearing.

    By the way I find whining and phony martyrdom totally hot.

    But that's just me...

    xx
  • RHUK

    Posts: 273

    Jul 16, 2011 11:19 AM GMT
    nooceansleft saidThe first two both met their guys online - i'd rather meet someone in the real world where potential partners are not defined by five pictures and 250 words or less.


    Theres no shame in meeting people online these days, even a lot of young straight single guys and gals have dating profiles somewhere.

    Our pool of people to pick from is about 95% smaller than our straight brethren, and unless you live in a gay mecca the chance of bumping into a gay guy you like is pretty small.
  • nooceansleft

    Posts: 61

    Jul 16, 2011 3:54 PM GMT
    RHUKOur pool of people to pick from is about 95% smaller than our straight brethren, and unless you live in a gay mecca the chance of bumping into a gay guy you like is pretty small.


    Yeah, I know. You're actually right. I just look at all my straight friends (i.e all of my friends), and they go out to bars, and meet people, and sometimes they hook up, and sometimes they end up in relationships. And that's awesome, and I'm super happy for them, but I can't help but wish that I could have it like that, hey.

    Are there any particular websites anyone would recommend? I've flirted with gaydar.com, but manhunt and grindr are really, definitely not for me.









    And ironically, I do live in a gay mecca. Shame.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2011 4:16 PM GMT
    Meeting someone at the gym isn't a horrible idea. Not everyone is there to cruise.

    I can't recommend a good dating site. If you are looking for more relationship oriented sites, you can try a pay site like Match or Chemistry.com. I didn't have much luck myself, but it might depend on your area.
  • nooceansleft

    Posts: 61

    Jul 16, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    Student_90 said
    nooceansleft saidDammit, if only I was attracted to people who think using ' hey slut' as a greeting is endearing.


    I think slut-face on occasion is totally endearing.

    By the way I find whining and phony martyrdom totally hot.

    But that's just me...

    xx


    ...p.s you're actually my hero. Just sayin. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    nooceansleft saidThanks for all the tips hey.
    ErmineYou see a guy you like, then ask him out. You don't see any guys you'd like to date? Go find an activity you enjoy and find a group for it, particularly a gay oriented group.


    That's kind of the thing. I do a LOT of stuff - I play in a few bands, I teach martial arts, I've got three jobs and a university degree to finish - but none of them are really 'gay oriented' activities*.

    *Please don't respond with "...what's a 'gay' activity?". You know what I mean.


    I think this is a good place to start, though... especially if the kind of guy you want to meet is more like the guys your female friends are with. Question is... are you out to the people you do these activities with, or do you play straight around them?

    Most of my friends used to be gay, and while I felt like it was easy to meet guys, I agree that it wasn't easy to meet guys who I wanted to date or be in a relationship with.

    I finally gave up on the gay scene, and while I still have (and hang out with) a lot of gay friends, I try to put most of my energy into the activities and interests I like (beach volleyball, snowboarding, gym, my work, sports, travel), with the hope that I'll be more likely to meet someone that way.

    Especially with vball, I was kind of hesitant to be open about being interested in dudes, but once that whole crew found out, I was surprised how many of them were like, "Oh, you should meet my friend so and so," or, "Dude, I know this guy you have to meet." Haha... this one dude calls/texts me every time he runs into a gay guy, snaps pics on his phone, asks if I'm interested. It cracks me up.

    I'm still single too, so... not sure if it's going to be any different, but I kind of feel like I have a better chance this way than sitting around at a gay bar or looking around online.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 16, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    i think you are being a little too hard on yourself. i do think you need to put yourself out there though. if i were you i would look for social events. if you are into sports go to your local gay sports. if you are not into sports than try out some forums. hell try craigslist or meetup.com i know i know craigslist is not usually a good spot but if you are willing to weed through fakers. i think you will the type of people you are looking for
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 16, 2011 4:57 PM GMT
    Ermine saidMaybe you should get the gay pride tattoo.

    Seriously, if you say that people wouldn't know that you're gay, then maybe some guy would ask you out but he thinks you're straight. If you want to go out on a date, then you need to be more proactive. You see a guy you like, then ask him out. You don't see any guys you'd like to date? Go find an activity you enjoy and find a group for it, particularly a gay oriented group. You'll be more comfortable doing something you like, and if you meet a guy you like though this activity then you'll already have something in common.
    Or find a cause that's dear to your heart and volunteer your time.
    seriously? so because he doesn't act gay enough that is his problem. that is the dumbest thing i have ever heard and i have heard some pretty dumb things. if you have to be something you are not to get something than is it really worth it? would want it? i would not