Online Dating and Web cam

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 7:58 AM GMT
    I've been together with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I know that he uses online sites like justguys.net and cockthevote.com

    We've talked about it before and he tells me he just likes to use them to talk with fellow gays and get into debates, but I'm not stupid I mean come on.

    Anyways, I know he webcams with other guys and uses the sites pretty much to get off virtually with others. This bothers me a lot, but mostly because I can't get him to admit he does, or to admit that he even has an account anymore.

    It really hurts when he lies to my face about it. It's really stupid, but I just feel he should be able to trust me with anything because I trust him and love him so much.

    The only evidence I have I can't use, I've snooped through his computer and have seen screen shots, but I don't want to bring that up because I'm ashamed that I've invaded his privacy. I just want him to be able to trust me, but I don't have the courage to call him a liar or tell him I don't believe him. I know I'm going to have to just get the balls and make a stand. I just want him to know I don't care and he doesn't have to lie to me.

    Any advice on how to approach this? I don't want him to feel like he has to hide anything from me....
  • Neurons

    Posts: 537

    Jul 16, 2011 12:47 PM GMT
    You're ashamed of invading his privacy when he's lying to your face? Does he even deserve that? Be straight up with him and tell him the truth. If you're really against it, just mention something to do with the screen shots without telling him you went on.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 16, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    i am a little confused. if you know this and if he is not cheating than leave him alone. if you do not like it tell him and if he does not see a issue with it. than seek out therapy for you two
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 1:30 PM GMT
    Before we had Internet, married guys got off to Penthouse, and gay guys got off to whatever gay porn magazines were available. Its not the same as cheating. The problem, as you have said, is that he lies. If he lies about this, will he lie about true cheating? about financial issues? about why he can't come to your sister's birthday party? in his professional life? about other things he may be accused of by others or by you? Does he lie habitually, even little white lies, to just about anyone because it makes life easier for him? These are questions of character. For some guys this would be normal and acceptable. Perhaps for you it is not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    or you can start doing it too, see how he likes it
  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    Jul 16, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    Fully understand your predicament, but I wonder if your bf uses those sites to chat to fellow gays and debate things in the same way that you post to these forums? I.e. not much to worry about?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    Whew, this is why I give a bf full access to my stuff at any time. I don't have anything to hide so I don't feel invaded when he is curious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidWhew, this is why I give a bf full access to my stuff at any time. I don't have anything to hide so I don't feel invaded when he is curious.


    Same here. When I'm in a relationship, I'm an open book with nothing to hide. It avoids all of this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    What every young gay guy in a relationship must know:

    ESTABLISH YOUR RULES.

    Whats acceptable, whats unaccpetable. Do your debates, make your compromises, and then have it be clear whats ok and whats not ok.

    Is this bothering you? Are you not ok with him doing this, or are you just upset that he is lying?

    because if it is something that is going to jeapordize your relationship, you need to set the ground rules now and if he is not willing to give it up for you, then you know to move on.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jul 16, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    Maybe join the site, find your bf while he's online, and pop up with an IM like "Baby, you're right. This site really IS cool -- well, just wanted to say HI -- I'm chatting with some cool guys and in a heated debate with a stud...so I'll catch ya later...Bye". icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    And what's your plan after you confront him?

    Basically you both are going to be in a soiled position. He'll have to admit he's lying and you will have to admit you snooped around his computer.

    If you are going to leave him I guess you don't' really need a plan but if you want to get past this you need a pretty decent plan for gaining each others trust back.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidWhew, this is why I give a bf full access to my stuff at any time. I don't have anything to hide so I don't feel invaded when he is curious.


    I just make my boyfriend trust me and it shouldn't be an issue. I'd prob get very upset if he felt like he needed full access to my life to trust me. That's not trust imo, thats verification icon_razz.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    Contrailcrow saidI've been together with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I know that he uses online sites like justguys.net and cockthevote.com

    We've talked about it before and he tells me he just likes to use them to talk with fellow gays and get into debates, but I'm not stupid I mean come on.

    Anyways, I know he webcams with other guys and uses the sites pretty much to get off virtually with others. This bothers me a lot, but mostly because I can't get him to admit he does, or to admit that he even has an account anymore.

    It really hurts when he lies to my face about it. It's really stupid, but I just feel he should be able to trust me with anything because I trust him and love him so much.

    The only evidence I have I can't use, I've snooped through his computer and have seen screen shots, but I don't want to bring that up because I'm ashamed that I've invaded his privacy. I just want him to be able to trust me, but I don't have the courage to call him a liar or tell him I don't believe him. I know I'm going to have to just get the balls and make a stand. I just want him to know I don't care and he doesn't have to lie to me.

    Any advice on how to approach this? I don't want him to feel like he has to hide anything from me....



    You say that he should trust you because you love him so much but I think you may need to examine whether you trust him if you're snooping through his stuff. If you are going through his stuff maybe his instinct is not to truly trust you which is why he's being evasive. You then write that you don't have the courage to call him a liar or say you don't believe him. Those are trust issues you have with him because you do not trust him and he in turn doesn't trust you. It will become a vicious cycle if you don't confront those trust issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    Soulasphyxi saidWhew, this is why I give a bf full access to my stuff at any time. I don't have anything to hide so I don't feel invaded when he is curious.
    Same here, in fact some of the sites I was going to delete access to when we met he convinced me not to and uses more than I do. We can both see what the other does and I trust him so not a problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    Contrailcrow said This bothers me a lot, but mostly because I can't get him to admit he does, or to admit that he even has an account anymore.

    ...I know I'm going to have to just get the balls and make a stand. I just want him to know I don't care and he doesn't have to lie to me.


    See bolded statements above. You're going to have to be proactive. This is clearly not something you want from him, and if you let it go, it will ruin your relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 17, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    I understand that!

    I'm in your position as well, except my boyfriend has told me that he does it and I've tried so hard to be "ok" with it but it still bothers me so much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 17, 2011 11:47 PM GMT
    Contrailcrow saidI've been together with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I know that he uses online sites like justguys.net and cockthevote.com

    We've talked about it before and he tells me he just likes to use them to talk with fellow gays and get into debates, but I'm not stupid I mean come on.

    Anyways, I know he webcams with other guys and uses the sites pretty much to get off virtually with others. This bothers me a lot, but mostly because I can't get him to admit he does, or to admit that he even has an account anymore.

    It really hurts when he lies to my face about it. It's really stupid, but I just feel he should be able to trust me with anything because I trust him and love him so much.

    The only evidence I have I can't use, I've snooped through his computer and have seen screen shots, but I don't want to bring that up because I'm ashamed that I've invaded his privacy. I just want him to be able to trust me, but I don't have the courage to call him a liar or tell him I don't believe him. I know I'm going to have to just get the balls and make a stand. I just want him to know I don't care and he doesn't have to lie to me.

    Any advice on how to approach this? I don't want him to feel like he has to hide anything from me....


    Dump him now before investing any additional time. This is heading for a train wreck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 19, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    Blackguy4you saidDump him now before investing any additional time. This is heading for a train wreck.

    This is advice you normally hear from single gay guys.
    It goes a long way to explain why they are single.

    All relationships are going to have some fender benders - and some trainwrecks.
    This is why relationships take work to maintain.
    You can't just coast downhill - and bail at the first bump.


    As darius30 pointed out, you appear to be conflicted about this yourself. On one hand you say this bothers you, on the other you are too insecure to take a stand because you're not sure if it really should bother you or not. Thus you slip to the derivative that what bothers you is that he's not being honest (who could argue with that... though TotalTopJock attempts to in his 2nd sentence).

    Different people, different relationships, different rules. But they need to be "our rules", not "your [his] rules". Unspoken rules don't work very well. Don't feel you have to accept his rules or lose him (that's another formula for unhappiness until disaster).


    Given the "confusion" above, I think you first need to think about the issue. What is your real position on porn? You can change and bend, but don't be a chameleon and adopt his position to make things ok. What about camming (is it just "interactive porn" or...)?

    Not sure how long you've been in the relationship and how long you expect it to last, but if this is for the long term you need to decide what you are comfortable with, what you're willing to live with.

    Then you can talk about it. You'll still have to be open to hearing him, but at least you'll start out on firm ground. When you are ready, tell him you want to talk. You may want to make it about 2 things. Porn/camming and honesty. Don't start out with accusations - that'll just make him defensive (and perhaps in dishonest denial). Tell him not just what you think, but how you FEEL (no, really, it's ok!). That it hurts/confuses/upsets you.

    He might then understand where you're coming from (rather than thinking, to summarize, "my evil boyfriend is trying to control me" and reacting to that). Also be sure to listen to his thoughts and feelings and try to understand where he's coming from.

    Let me include one other caution. Sometimes it's hard to bring up an argument when things are good (why ruin the moment), but you don't want to have such discussions when you're already mad/upset with each other and someone blurts out something.

    My partner (of 15 years) and I ran into a rough stretch 7 years ago. We went to counseling, after which we'd go out to dinner and talk some more. That's usually a much more conducive setting for a discussion. I wouldn't call it a "date night", maybe more like a relationship "business lunch". Maybe even get in the habit of doing that regularly.

    Whatever it takes, you need to talk to him (not us) about it.
    We're here to help, you can bounce ideas off us, etc.
    But ultimately it's between the two of you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2011 1:02 PM GMT
    Thanks for the constructive feed back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    A lot of guys bring up great points. I can see where the OP is coming from. Lying is the most intolerable thing to me. As bad as it sounds, its almost like lying is worse than even cheating. If a guy slips up and cheats on me, he has a much better chance of salvaging our relationship if he comes out and tells me, rather than lies to my face. But we aren't talking about actual cheating here.

    So it seems like you are ok with your bf camming. Its the lying that is eating at you. Trust is so important in a relationship and sadly, your bf broke yours. Personally, if someone breaks my trust it is nearly impossible for them to get it back. Call it a personality flaw, but its hard for me to trust someone and having so many people close to me break my trust has not helped.

    But you gotta work at getting that trust back, which means confronting your bf about it. Don't attack him about lying. Talk about how it hurts you and how all you want to do is regain the honesty in your relationship. You will have to admit to snooping in order to regain that honesty, its a 2-way street. Keep the communication open and the anger out of it. Good luck buddy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2011 2:01 PM GMT
    hmmm join these sites .. do what he does with him ...u and him cam together with these guys ..i know its weird but its better he does it with himself ...
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Sep 15, 2011 6:24 AM GMT
    i dont know if i'm the only one here, but you guys really cannot see the difference between looking at porn... and wanking off on that.
    or webcaming with other boys over the internet.

    for me it would be a huge red alert.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 15, 2011 2:12 PM GMT
    janu88 saidi dont know if i'm the only one here, but you guys really cannot see the difference between looking at porn... and wanking off on that.
    or webcaming with other boys over the internet.

    for me it would be a huge red alert.icon_rolleyes.gif



    I think this as well; there is a big difference between masturbating to a pic or porn and doing it with another person, on or off-line. One is static, one is interactive.

    Contrail, did the two of you make a monogamous commitment to each other?

    -Doug
  • Dangow_exBR

    Posts: 71

    Oct 17, 2011 4:48 AM GMT
    It's strange to me to read that here, about your story, coz I've "suffered" something like that, as you told us. I'm a brazilian guy, living in São Paulo - and moving to Vancouver in some weeks - I was dating this guy (Lucas) for some months. He was an amazing guy, a good friend, good boyfriend and everything else.

    The problem was that some months latter I've felt like he was moving away from me. His Macbook was always in my home, and one day he was in the kitchen and his Macbook made a sound and I've take it to get to him, but when I took it I saw a message from another boy. I never was a jealous guy, but with Lucas, in that moment I felt like I was feeling this for the very first time. It was very strange to me, that feeling.

    In the message I saw that Lucas and this boy was talking for some days. Lucas always answered the boy that he couldn´t go out with he, always saying that he was busy, but never saying that he was with me, dating me.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that even reading this message, I've never told to Lucas that I knew about this talk of him with the other boy. In any moment Lucas agreed to see the guy - at least in the messages - and I was very shamed to say that I read his message accidentaly and that I was very jealous reading it. So, I've decided to never talk about it, and to wish to don´t lose him... One month later he broke with me, and now he's dating this boy from the messages.

    I'm not saying that the same will happen with you and your boyfriend. I'm just trying to say that if I had one more chance to change everything, I could wish to talk with my ex, in the exactly moment that I've read the message, ya know? icon_sad.gif Confidence is the most important thing in a relationship. Think about it.

    And sorry for my bad english here. I'm still training. hahaha!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    CentralCrow - I am in a similar place (check out my posts)

    I feel like you. I am not against webcam sites per say, but I am against the lies that have to accommpany the use of them. My bf was very open and told me before he met me he used webcam sites alot. I said from the outset i had no problems with them, but if he wanted to use them, I'd like him to be honest, to tell me, and maybe even i'd give them a go, and join in. He was emphatic that he never wanted to use them again (and even now insists he only watches, doesn't broadcast, although he slipped up once and said when he did broadcast, his webcam wasnt reliable).

    I always think if its all so innocent, then why not just be a man and own up to it. Do you feel that his interest in the webcams has exceeded his interest in you? If so, there's problems. If not, then do you think this is something in time you could learn to accept?

    I do hope it all works out for you.