Gay Forums - Dating & Relationships - Do you tend to date narcissists?

Do you tend to date narcissists?

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 4:37 PM GMT

...Then read this. What an amazing article... had I read it before, I'd have saved myself a ton of time and heartbreak. Very well-written article.

I've realized over the last few months that I've always been strongly attracted to these seemingly very 'strong' people, who in the end just tend to be narcissists. (Which speaks to how my own self-esteem wasn't very good if I felt the need to date guys like that.) This article really makes a good point framing how they are initially so attractive, and how it's not worth your time hanging on to your memories of the way the relationship (with a narcissist) was in the beginning after it's gone sour.

I guarantee you this article will be very freeing to you if you've dated someone with lots of narcissistic tendencies.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201106/how-spot-narcissist

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 6:16 PM GMT

Do you approach a lot of people or have them approach you?

I found that a lot of times when a cute guy was interested in me, I would ask about him and the usual response was "Yea, he thinks he is the hottest shit ever." i.e. a narcissist.

I find that there are plenty of nice guys who dont go after me b/c they think Im too high maintenance or there not cute enough and they are super nice and sweet. Approach, the nice guys may be too shy to say hi.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 7:08 PM GMT

Meeting people is never my issue... it was more putting up with these types of behaviours (narcissistic ones) after meeting somebody and sort of drawing on their strength (or cockiness) to feed my own lack of self esteem.

But, if you've put up with a narcissist long enough, I feel that you never want to do it again. EVER. lol

I don't have an issue with this anymore, or at least I don't foresee it being a problem when I date in the future... I just wanted to share this article because I found it to be most of all interesting, as well as helpful.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 7:21 PM GMT

I don't date actors or models (or wannabe actors or models), so that removes a huge number of the narcissists here in LA.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 7:23 PM GMT

A lot of people associate narcissism with simply being self-absorbed and obsessed with physical appearance but I think that undercuts the true definition.

I imagine many actors or models have narcissistic tendencies but I think a true narcissist by definition can be identified more through how they treat others, how their interactions tend to play out. How they are defensive about their own abilities, don't mind being identified as a jerk, talk others down and brag, refocusing most conversations on their own life and interests.

Spiritreaver

Posts: 2086

Jul 17, 2011 9:07 PM GMT

Oh yeah, this is definitely me. I think it spawns from my low self-esteem that I had when I was obese. I still carry much of the thoughts and feelings I had towards "beautiful" or popular/outgoing people today. I crave their attention really, to even be acknowledged by them makes me feel good, and if I don't get it, I often beat myself up over it.

I think I've gotten better though, meeting many amazing people who aren't "narcissists" has helped quite a bit. Makes you realize you can find someone amazing who is actually into you for you.

masculumpedes

Posts: 5549

Jul 17, 2011 9:08 PM GMT

_freestyle saidDo you tend to date narcissists?

No.....only Baptists...

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 9:51 PM GMT

Spiritrever hit on something important. The thing that repulses me about narcissism is not thinking "I'm amazing" its thinking "Am I amazing? And how can I get people to verify this for me"

True narcissists are like this and it doesn't take me too long to recognize the behavior.

The other downside to being a narcissist is that eventually your system implodes and either takes you with it or you have to start hurting people to establish some kind of new "ideal" identity. You see this in the people who suddenly leave a relationship and when confronted lack the ability to come up with a good reason.

It's not a good thing to be imo.

You can have low self-esteem and not be narcissistic (i.e. focusing on yourself instead of seeking external validation through manipulation of others)

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 17, 2011 11:18 PM GMT

I'm a devout narcissit, I think, therefor I am...I know I exist and I know I can trust myself above all others

and I'd rather worship myself than a carpenter that may or may not have died 2000 years ago

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 18, 2011 1:30 PM GMT

adam228 said
The other downside to being a narcissist is that eventually your system implodes and either takes you with it or you have to start hurting people to establish some kind of new "ideal" identity. You see this in the people who suddenly leave a relationship and when confronted lack the ability to come up with a good reason.

I guess so, but I wouldn't say that their "system implodes". Chances are when they want a change and they feel like their current setup/relationship/whatever isn't working for them, they make a change and it hardly phases them at all. A narcissist goes after what they want and they're not going to self-criticize, even if they realize that they hurt or distance people along the way. Usually they pride themselves on being a huge jerk.

From the article:It appears that narcissists seek out people who maintain their high positive self-image, at the same time intentionally avoiding and putting down people who may give them a harsh dose of realism.

This is why karma doesn't work in these situations. I think for a self-absorbed and very 'confident' narcissist, there will ALWAYS be someone with low self esteem who will be happy to stand by their side and enjoy their company and shower them with praise and boost their ego. The relationship would turn sour or would have an expiry date, but there will always be guys lining up to get to date a narcissist.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 2:08 AM GMT

Great post. It explains the dichotomy of those we all know who at times appear to suffer from low self esteem while simultaneously question why everyone does not see their greatness. Sadly, I found myself relating to the characteristics of the narcissist but I didn't really mind....lol

Vaughn

Posts: 1880

Jul 19, 2011 2:15 AM GMT

Oh, Pop psych... Narcissism is a serious problem in adults. It is also pretty normal for high school students. It's really a form of sever immaturity. the DSM-V is taken so out of context. It is intended for for psychologists to look at not for the lay man.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 3:55 AM GMT

Vaughn saidOh, Pop psych... the DSM-V is taken so out of context. It is intended for for psychologists to look at not for the lay man.

That's fair, but I don't think this article can cause too much harm. I think it goes without saying that reading this article doesn't magically turn someone into a discerning psychologist, but I think the point is more to remind laypeople to avoid carrying on a relationship with someone if they have narcissistic tendencies.

But yeah, pop psychology is irritating. I think it's more of an issue in the context of sensationalist magazines like Cosmo than it is in a publication like Psychology Today though.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 4:10 AM GMT

I dated an actor for two years that ended 8years ago.

Never dated again..'nuff said.

Vaughn

Posts: 1880

Jul 19, 2011 5:14 AM GMT

_freestyle said
Vaughn saidOh, Pop psych... the DSM-V is taken so out of context. It is intended for for psychologists to look at not for the lay man.

That's fair, but I don't think this article can cause too much harm. I think it goes without saying that reading this article doesn't magically turn someone into a discerning psychologist, but I think the point is more to remind laypeople to avoid carrying on a relationship with someone if they have narcissistic tendencies.

But yeah, pop psychology is irritating. I think it's more of an issue in the context of sensationalist magazines like Cosmo than it is in a publication like Psychology Today though.

Psychology Today does a mix of both Psych and Pop Psych. The real thing can be found in many peer reviewed journals. I don't think Cosmo is even up for consideration. Narcism is fairly uncommon, hence abnormal psych. The concern is that people will not only apply the language to themselves, but try to fit the shoes. A lot of people think it means they are pretty and can disregard the needs of others. I've known many gay men posing as Narcissists. Narcissists generally won't admit to it because they don't want you to think there is anything wrong with them. They are often very unattractive or have small dicks.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 5:15 AM GMT

Vaughn said
_freestyle said
Vaughn saidOh, Pop psych... the DSM-V is taken so out of context. It is intended for for psychologists to look at not for the lay man.

That's fair, but I don't think this article can cause too much harm. I think it goes without saying that reading this article doesn't magically turn someone into a discerning psychologist, but I think the point is more to remind laypeople to avoid carrying on a relationship with someone if they have narcissistic tendencies.

But yeah, pop psychology is irritating. I think it's more of an issue in the context of sensationalist magazines like Cosmo than it is in a publication like Psychology Today though.

Psychology Today does a mix of both Psych and Pop Psych. I don't think Cosmo is even up for consideration. Narcism is fairly uncommon, hence abnormal psych. The concern is that people will not only apply the language to themselves, but try to fit the shoes. A lot of people think it means they are pretty and can disregard the needs of others. I've known many gay men posing as Narcissists. Narcissists generally won't admit to it because they don't want you to think there is anything wrong with them. They are often very unattractive or have small dicks.

I know you have me on ignore but the last sentance is dead on. There is a difference between narcissism and being full of yourself. Being full of yourself means you consider yourself better than other people, being narcissistic means you dont even think about other people.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 5:26 AM GMT

_freestyle said
adam228 said
The other downside to being a narcissist is that eventually your system implodes and either takes you with it or you have to start hurting people to establish some kind of new "ideal" identity. You see this in the people who suddenly leave a relationship and when confronted lack the ability to come up with a good reason.

I guess so, but I wouldn't say that their "system implodes". Chances are when they want a change and they feel like their current setup/relationship/whatever isn't working for them, they make a change and it hardly phases them at all. A narcissist goes after what they want and they're not going to self-criticize, even if they realize that they hurt or distance people along the way. Usually they pride themselves on being a huge jerk.

This is why karma doesn't work in these situations. I think for a self-absorbed and very 'confident' narcissist, there will ALWAYS be someone with low self esteem who will be happy to stand by their side and enjoy their company and shower them with praise and boost their ego. The relationship would turn sour or would have an expiry date, but there will always be guys lining up to get to date a narcissist.

I said "or" ;)

I was refering to the whole lifespan of someone with narcissism. All personality disorders get milder overtime but I have met many 50 something narcissists who are unable to keep up the ideal beauty/superficial elements as they age and are at a point where everyone they know has recognized their behavior and they just feel very alone. I empathize with them, but usually not until this point

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 5:33 AM GMT

staples_jockey said
Chainers saidI know you have me on ignore but...

Just a comment: it's remarkable how often you say this chainers. It's not just the number of different people but the fact that you're even aware that individuals have 'ignored' you. What is the total number? Is there a pattern between them?

/observation

um there are 3 people who I know have ignored me. Usually I say it if I am saying something directly to them on a thread and they dont respond, but the three I know have directly sent me a message saying "Im gonna ignore you."

So there ya have it.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 5:39 AM GMT

staples_jockey said
Chainers said
staples_jockey said
Chainers saidI know you have me on ignore but...

Just a comment: it's remarkable how often you say this chainers. It's not just the number of different people but the fact that you're even aware that individuals have 'ignored' you. What is the total number? Is there a pattern between them?

/observation

um there are 3 people who I know have ignored me. Usually I say it if I am saying something directly to them on a thread and they dont respond, but the three I know have directly sent me a message saying "Im gonna ignore you."

So there ya have it.

It sure seemed like more than that. Sorry. I remember you pining in one thread that you really wished some guy didn't have you on ignore. It almost sounded like remorse. I thought I'd read that line at least half a dozen times in the last couple of months. Wasn't really keeping track though but it is a weird comment that stands out in a thread.

Well yes, we butted heads (the three that have me on ignore, well 2) and they put me on ignore. The other one I have no idea why he has me on ignore, every time im quoted in a thread that he starts and I harass them, he always says im blocked and am irrelevant.

Either way, I could care less. I just wish the haters wont hate me!

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 6:00 AM GMT

staples_jockey said
Chainers said I just wish the haters wont hate me!

Haha. At best, you're a lil' schitzo on that last point. You've often said you don't actually give a shit. But there is that twinge of regret whenever you comment "I know you have me on ignore, but I'm not being an asshole right now", haha. It seems really important to you that people hear you. No matter what. :-)

Yea I like it when people hear me, but you know what I just have to accept the fact that haters are gonna hate.

I know Im an asshole, and Ive said it many times, if people are offended they can send me a private message and we will take it from there. One person has done so, he is now on my buddy list.

I may not like it, but there will always be haters, and oh trust me they will hate.

jasen202

Posts: 42

Jul 19, 2011 6:01 AM GMT

After reading this, I still don't know where I fit in. Certainly not narcissis; maybe both extroverted and introverted, or this is how I am.

I usually am the quiet one.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 6:59 AM GMT

Date no, it never gets that far, but fall for, yes.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 7:05 AM GMT

staples_jockey said
Chainers said
staples_jockey said
Chainers said I just wish the haters wont hate me!

Haha. At best, you're a lil' schitzo on that last point. You've often said you don't actually give a shit. But there is that twinge of regret whenever you comment "I know you have me on ignore, but I'm not being an asshole right now", haha. It seems really important to you that people hear you. No matter what. :-)

Yea I like it when people hear me, but you know what I just have to accept the fact that haters are gonna hate.

I know Im an asshole, and Ive said it many times, if people are offended they can send me a private message and we will take it from there. One person has done so, he is now on my buddy list.

I may not like it, but there will always be haters, and oh trust me they will hate.

Of course they will, people hate assholes. There's an inconsistancy in saying "I know I'm an asshole but people gonna hate" (like saying "the stronger I make the magnet the more it attracts iron"...yup, that'll happen.) I think you invite it because you like it. I think admitting you're an a-hole, which you have done in several threads (douchebag you've called yourself too), means you accept that you're playing that role here to fan the fires in the forums. I just think some of your 'adversaries' aren't in on the joke and it might be even more fun if they were and didn't choose to be hurt by what you (a stranger) says on the internet.

Agreed full heartedly. I just started being a dick to people and everyone keeps messaging me saying how funny I am.

Truth be told, I troll the trolls more than anything else, and people who say retarded shit (like have you seen that Animus guy? His retardedness knows no bounds.) Its like I said, if your offended by what I say message me in private, if not prepare to be kicked in the balls. A haters gonna hate!

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 7:33 AM GMT

Attempt to pull this halfway back on track:

Does the fact that he's made this thread about him make Chainers a Narcissus?

I tend to be immediately attracted to narcissus types, but the excitement drains fast. I think it has to do with their needing lots of people to praise and pay attention to them, and when my time is treated as only a fraction of his, I look for better ways to spend it.

Posted by a hidden member.
Log in to view his profile

Jul 19, 2011 7:53 AM GMT

Here's an hypothesis, doesn't dating a narcissist say more about you than about the guy himself? If you are truly talking about a narcissist than you can notice his behavioral pattern in the first few dates i assume.

Forums > Dating & Relationships Forum Rules

Do you tend to date narcissists?