Things to learn about your Best Friend: PS Random,but watch my Best Friend's Wedding ...just cause its such a great movie!

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    Jul 18, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    I went to LA in June for two weeks. My friend whom I've know since middle school has been with me every step of the way this Summer. She has always been in close quarters, but this is certainly the longest amount of time we have spent with each other. While in LA she started correcting me about little things,telling me how to do things and pushing that her way is better than mine could ever possibly be..gradually it just got worse and worse. ((The icing on the cake was when she told me to try and figure out how to get us back to our hotel room upon my asking which train to get back on @ the Metro Station ...she already knew how to get back and refused to tell me . )) It hurt me, made me mad, and oddly I wanted to cry right in the middle of that shitty Metro Station in front of everyone.The flight home we didn't say a word to each other. There was a point on the plane when I turned over and she was snoring fast asleep, I noticed her left nostril flaring in and out and realized even that was annoying me! I thought to myself, "Is this normal? Am I the difficult one? Yes, I am bad with directions but ..how did we get to this point???"......I was so upset and disturbed at how quick a friendship can dissipate. After Cali our friendship became civil but guarded.. I know its because I can't seem to let the Metro Station situation go.. There are other things she does too that have now come to my attention. She is insanely frugal to the point of where I asked her if I could have a stick of gum and she asked me if I wanted a "whole piece or half." I know times are hard but....I mean really? She has no female friends...zero....bc she says that females are catty and dramatic. I have always found this to be questionable. She acts so different in front of strangers(particularly hot guys) and it annoys me to no end. People think she is this amazingly beautiful blonde girl ...I hear it all the time from straight guys about her,"your so perfect" You mean you don't drink , curse or smoke??" *...I roll my eyes all the time automatically when I hear these comments.., I think she may have caught me doing it actually icon_sad.gif. Either way I am at a loss. I know I should just tell her how I feel but I don't even feel like its worth it. In turn I feel like this horrible person for not wanting to mend this friendship. I really feel like she brings me down.. Isn't it bad to be in any kind of bad relationship whether it be a intimate one or not...
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    Jul 18, 2011 1:50 PM GMT
    jdukay24 said So far this Summer I have gone to California and just got back from ATL to see Britney Spears (Amazing Show!!!!). My friend whom I've know since middle school has been with me every step of the way this Summer. She has always been in close quarters, but this is certainly the longest amount of time we have spent with each other. In California she started correcting me about little things and telling me how to do things and pushing that her way is better than mine ever could be..gradually it just got worse and worse. ((The icing on the cake was when she told me to try and figure out how to get us back to our hotel room when we were @ the Metro Station in LA...she already knew how to get back. )) It hurt me, made me mad, and oddly I wanted to cry?......I was so upset lol. and now ever since then we have been nice to each other, but just not like it used to be. I know its because I can't seem to let the Metro Station situation go.. There are other things she does too that have now come to my attention. She is insanely frugal to the point of where I asked her for a stick of gum one time and she asked me if I wanted a "whole piece or half." I know times are hard but....I mean really? She has no female friends...0....bc she says that females are catty. I have always found this to be questionable. She acts so different in front of strangers(particularly hot guys) and it annoys me to no end. People think she is this amazingly beautiful blonde girl ...I hear it all the time from straight guys about her,"your so perfect" You mean you don't drink , curse or smoke??" *...I roll my eyes all the time and I think she caught me once...yikes. Either way I am at a loss. I know I should just tell her how I feel but I don't even feel like its worth it. In turn I feel like this horrible person. I really feel like she brings me down. Isn't it bad to be in any kind of relationship when it makes you unhappy whether it be a intimate one or not...


    Yes it's bad, sounds like there's something going on in her life that is causing her to act like this... if not then maybe you need to move on.
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    Jul 18, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    They say that friends can sometimes be our mirror, reflecting that which we dislike about ourselves? Any insight into that?
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    Jul 18, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    TAKE A BREAK.

    Your friend sounds DIFFICULT to say the least. But I suspect you've called her a friend because you know she cares about you.

    TWO CHOICES:

    Give yourself some space from her now. Make yourself unavailable for as long as it takes for you to deal with her peculiarities. Maybe a week, maybe longer.
    No need for some confrontation at this point.

    You may find then that she will make an effort to be more harmonious with you.


    Second Choice; Move on entirely. Take baby steps at first if you need to. But then tell her directly about the direction you want your life to move in.....and that you can't tolerate certain forms of negativity at this time.

    Wish her the best. She may be hurt and angry AND it also might wake her up to her problems and compel her to change.

    You can both look out for yourself and be compassionate toward her. But first I think you need to restore your own calm with some time away, no matter what further steps you take.
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    Jul 18, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies! I will keep this in mind. The mirror to ourselves....that's interesting. I never thought of it that way.
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    Jul 18, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    She may be more controlling that you realize.

    The time spent with her in person just brought a lot of experiences for you to the front.

    Does she treat everyone this way? You mention she has zero female friends. Are there acquaintances that you both know? Ask them?

    I think you are best to move on.

    Pour some bleach in your friendship pool.

    The scum rise to the top and you can skim them off.

    Cheers,
    Ben
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 18, 2011 5:21 PM GMT
    Let me say I totally understand. I have some friends from childhood that are still in my life (at least to a degree) and it can be comfortable to have someone from childhood still a viable part of your life.

    But we all change. You both are adults now and heading different directions.
    If you are having petty issues (and you are if "directions" or a stick of gum brings "catty" answers. You need to be confident in your friends (we all have minor issues with those we consider friends) that they back you and
    help you in your life's journey. I'm not encouraging you to "trash" her from your friend list, so to speak, but perhaps the time has come to religate her
    as a friend you chat with on a very occasional basis and put others that you can respect and trust in her place.

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 18, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    Every single girl in the entire world is like this after being around them for so long. It is unavoidable. The only difference between them is how long it will take until they start this behavior. I have not found one girl who doesn't get pissy EXACTLY like this, especially the ones who don't get along with other girls, so you did nothing wrong. Eventually they come around.
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    Jul 18, 2011 5:58 PM GMT
    hazardous saidEvery single girl in the entire world is like this after being around them for so long. It is unavoidable. The only difference between them is how long it will take until they start this behavior. I have not found one girl who doesn't get pissy EXACTLY like this, especially the ones who don't get along with other girls, so you did nothing wrong. Eventually they come around.


    I don't agree with what is little more than a sexist generalisation. I know plenty of men who display these geeral behaviour patterns and many more women who do not.
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    Jul 18, 2011 6:03 PM GMT
    Some friends are simply great until you spend too much time with them.

    I made the mistake of moving in with a best friend and we literally became worse enemies. I had to call the police on her once because she locked me out of our apartment because she thought I stole her canned pineapples lol. I remember arguing once because she would wash the dishes with rags that had sat on the counter top, drenched and smelly for days without cleaning them. She thought it was so odd that I washed them in bleach and kept calling me stupid and rolling her eyes and stuff and just wanted to throw her out of a window. We stayed on our own sides of the apartment. The living room became this sea separating our own little personal islands and eventually I called her out on how shitty of a person she was and moved out. As of today we haven't spoke to each other in a little over 4 years.

    Biggest relief of my life when I finally moved out and stopped talking to her. There was so much about her that I hated that I just didn't know about until we were spending too much time together. We were not compatible at all.

    If you truly have no interest in trying to mend this friendship and she annoys you as much as my friend started to back then, then stop hanging out with her and free yourself. You really shouldn't be friends with people who annoy you or who you can't respect anyway - its not healthy. I've lost countless friends over the years, but find as I get older that even though I have less, they fit me better and we don't hang out out of obligation because we've known each other for so long.
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    Jul 18, 2011 6:20 PM GMT
    Talk with her...if she is your best bud, she'll take it with a grain of salt and work it out. If that doesn't work, then you need to re-evaluate calling her "bf".
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    Jul 18, 2011 6:22 PM GMT
    First - I'm impressed by so much good advice offered above me here. We truly have some good guys on this site.

    Second - I've been in the same boat - having a woman friend on a trip who did some of the same things your lady friend did. I felt as you did. I remember being upset with her - - after all, I was providing the trip, paying for everything and all I wanted was some pleasant company and a little appreciation for all the new sites I was showing her. Much of what I got instead was bitching and trying to assure me she had seen and experienced much better that what I was showing her (and this was in Beverly Hills.)

    Anyway - I finally ended up not speaking to her for the flight back - and then I cooled the relationship from then on. She never improved - and was basically a stylish, beautiful woman - - - who was also self centered and spoiled. In the final analysis: Not worth my time.
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    Jul 19, 2011 12:37 AM GMT
    I've dealt with this too with a beautiful female friend. Like any human relationship, at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if what you are getting out of the relationship is worth it or not. Most of the time it is but you may have to make some adjustments.

    For me, I recognize my best friends as the ones I'm able to say just about anything to without the fear of them ever being so offended they would give me silent treatment or break things off. This doesn't mean they must always agree with me. Sometimes those friends just have to call me out or tell me to "shut the fuck up" from time to time. I prefer that over being discarded any day.
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    Jul 19, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    She might be tired of you and wants out of the friendship; she doesn't know how to approach you about it directly. This has been my experience with my female friends, though I'll say I knew each of them for no more than two years. The relationship starts off as as Will and Grace kind of association, but eventually devolves into something nasty and very coarse. Perhaps you could ask her directly is she just doesn't like you anymore? Does he find your gayness overbearing?
  • UVaRob9

    Posts: 282

    Jul 19, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    Halfstep saidSome friends are simply great until you spend too much time with them.


    This. It's very easy to reach a saturation point with a person. I did a cross country trip in a Ryder truck with a childhood friend 10 years ago and after the trip was over, we didn't speak for a week. Nothing happened, we just needed a break from each other.
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    Jul 19, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    sexyneighbour said
    hazardous saidEvery single girl in the entire world is like this after being around them for so long. It is unavoidable. The only difference between them is how long it will take until they start this behavior. I have not found one girl who doesn't get pissy EXACTLY like this, especially the ones who don't get along with other girls, so you did nothing wrong. Eventually they come around.


    I don't agree with what is little more than a sexist generalisation. I know plenty of men who display these geeral behaviour patterns and many more women who do not.


    I didn't say men don't do it too.
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    Jul 20, 2011 5:00 AM GMT
    jprichva saidAll relationships are composed of give and take.

    You have to decide whether what you get from it is worth what you put up with to have it. Only you can make that decision; but once you know the answer, you need to act on it. Drawing things out to no purpose just makes everyone angry, and in the end, bitter.



    this is such a good perspective..and I'll say what a psychologist once told me long years ago, that your friends are in the cheering section of the bleachers of your life. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 20, 2011 5:20 AM GMT
    Your way too cute to have a rotten best friend!
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    Jul 20, 2011 2:46 PM GMT
    Update: Thanks everyone for all the advice. I really do appreciate it. I have taken everything into consideration.
    As of now we haven't had any contact. I am cooling it from her for the time being. I feel like if our friendship was meant to be it will mend. I am not bitter or resentful. I am just thankful to God that we had that/this friendship, causing me to learn a lot about myself and people in general.To be honest the girl is a great person with a lot to offer to the world and I think that she is going to make someone very happy one day. The problem here, to reiterate what everyone else has said, we simply were spending TOO much time together. I mean I know I am to blame as well. When I get angry I shut down. I become stubborn and tend to ignore people. The fault is not all hers. ..I just want to make that clear.
    I was having a conversation with a girl @ work recently and in desperation I asked her, " So when you get too close to anyone you just end up getting annoyed???" She looked @ me confused and said"um no, you two were just spending WAAAAAY too much time together. This might make you two actually closer." SO in the end I still consider her a "friend". I don't want to go to that place of being bitter and resentful ....because .....That's just not who I want to be. The Metro Station situation(see above) made me mad and I really did wish I would have said something right then and there. .but I didn't...and maybe God didn't want me to...Who knows? God Bless everyone and again thanks for the advice!!icon_smile.gif