I'm coming out to my parents this week!! Any advice?

  • prime02

    Posts: 236

    Jul 20, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    Ok, so I know there is probably a ton of threads like this, but after going to LA and SD pride this summer, I feel 100% ready to come out and I would love any advice.

    Both parents are extremely religious and very Republican and I'm nervous to tell them (they referred to being gay as a disease). I'm tired of hiding and constantly lying to them and I'm proud of who I am... just recently graduated and I'm now in the working world where I'm making a name for myself. What makes things tricky is my oldest brother is also gay-- he just hasn't told them, but my parents know/play ignorant to it. He's sorta feminine and could guess by looking at him, so it retracted attention away from the fact that I haven't had a girlfriend in 4 years.

    Any advice on the right way to approach it? Someone gave me advice to get emotional, but I know if I do that, they would somehow think that I'm just confused and if I pray it would help things out. Thanks everyone!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    Are you ready for it? If not, what's the rush?
  • prime02

    Posts: 236

    Jul 20, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    Mikeinslc saidAre you ready for it? If not, what's the rush?


    I put in my thread that I'm "100% ready".. I'm just looking for advice on to approach the situation because it'll be difficult
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:40 AM GMT
    God help you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    It's probably gonna suck at first. I remember reading "Remember that their immediate reactions doesn't symbolize their actual love for you, or their true feelings regarding your sexuality." I guess take that for what it's worth?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    Chattman91 saidGod help you.


    this
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    prime02 saidOk, so I know there is probably a ton of threads like this, but after going to LA and SD pride this summer, I feel 100% ready to come out and I would love any advice.

    Both parents are extremely religious and very Republican and I'm nervous to tell them (they referred to being gay as a disease). I'm tired of hiding and constantly lying to them and I'm proud of who I am... just recently graduated and I'm now in the working world where I'm making a name for myself. What makes things tricky is my oldest brother is also gay-- he just hasn't told them, but my parents know/play ignorant to it. He's sorta feminine and could guess by looking at him, so it retracted attention away from the fact that I haven't had a girlfriend in 4 years.

    Any advice on the right way to approach it? Someone gave me advice to get emotional, but I know if I do that, they would somehow think that I'm just confused and if I pray it would help things out. Thanks everyone!


    Just please be safe! I hope your parents aren't the violent type (or become the violent type).

    Just be confident about yourself and don't be weak.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:52 AM GMT
    If they are that religious don't preface your announcement by taking the leather-bound bible off of the mantle and burning it with your lighter in the fireplace. Don't ask me how I know that ...

    My only decent advice is do not out your brother. Let him come (hehe) to it on his own. Help him get there by just stating your business and leaving the room. Crying and emotions are overrated. Just talk, walk out, let them think. Odds are the first thing they say are the last thing you want to hear - and it will be the only thing you think of at their funeral, not the other things where they paid tuition or taught you how to ride a bike ... when they thought there would be prime02 juniors running around in their yard in thirty years.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    There's lots of stuff you could read/download from the PFLAG site:

    http://www.pflag.org

    If your parents support you at any level materially (housing, bill-pay help) you might want to check what sounds like an impulse. Euphoria after seeing huge crowds of "us" would naturally give someone false confidence and could cause them to dive into dangerous waters. Not to, uh, rain on your parade by any means. Just THINK before you act and take a step back before racing forward.

    Best o' luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    You could do what I did and say, "let's be honest mom, unless I'm adopted, which you CLAIM I'm not, this really is YOUR fault... now what do you have to say?

    I'm probably the worst to give advice on this since my parent's we're cool and I came out at 24, but really, at this point if you're not living at home and not running the risk of being kicked out, and you feel telling them will help you live a more honest life, then do it. You mentioned you're folk are religious, which can obviously make it harder, so i'd maybe just stress that you love them and even though it may be hard for them to accept in the beginning, that it's who you are...and leave it at that. If they want to know more than discuss it with them but I've found that its probably best to ease them into it.

    My experience aside, a friend of mine came out to her super crazy jews for jesus parents recently, and tho it took them some time even they came around. I say this because sometimes it takes some parents more time than others. So if your parents do react super posi at first it doesn't mean they won't in the future.

    Good luck!
  • prime02

    Posts: 236

    Jul 20, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    MuslNorganLikr saidThere's lots of stuff you could read/download from the PFLAG site:

    http://www.pflag.org

    If your parents support you at any level materially (housing, bill-pay help) you might want to check what sounds like an impulse. Euphoria after seeing huge crowds of "us" would naturally give someone false confidence and could cause them to dive into dangerous waters. Not to, uh, rain on your parade by any means. Just THINK before you act and take a step back before racing forward.

    Best o' luck!


    thanks for all the advice man... much appreciated. I'm moving out in a few months, if they were to completely cut me off, I could still float financially and be independent.. it would just rush along the being independent part of it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 5:46 AM GMT
    You could always come out to your parents separately. I have no idea how much of a difference it would make, but it's what I did and it kinda went great lol
    My parents weren't thrilled by any means, but they showed no signs of disgust/disappointment, etc. My mom actually hugged me.

    My mom only cried when she talked to my dad later, but I didn't feel like shit cuz I never saw it happen lol

    Only thing is ya gotta do it twice, obviously. Some can only handle doing it once but you sound like you wouldn't have a problem haha

    Just an option. Could be better to just get them both out of the way at once, but you'd know what to do better than I would since they're your parents.
    Good luck!
  • prime02

    Posts: 236

    Jul 20, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    DTP_82 saidYou could always come out to your parents separately. I have no idea how much of a difference it would make, but it's what I did and it kinda went great lol
    My parents weren't thrilled by any means, but they showed no signs of disgust/disappointment, etc. My mom actually hugged me.

    My mom only cried when she talked to my dad later, but I didn't feel like shit cuz I never saw it happen lol

    Only thing is ya gotta do it twice, obviously. Some can only handle doing it once but you sound like you wouldn't have a problem haha

    Just an option. Could be better to just get them both out of the way at once, but you'd know what to do better than I would since they're your parents.
    Good luck!


    thanks dude! I thought about coming out to my parents separately, but knowing them, they would get jealous about not being the 1st parents to know/"why did you tell him/her before me" and etc.. my mom is gonna cry for sure.. actually both parents
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 6:17 AM GMT
    Take it slow, take a deep breath, and try not to take what they say personally (if they react negatively). They may need time to adjust. It took you some time to accept yourself as gay, so it would be nice to give them the same opportunity.

    Maybe you tell them that you love and respect them and because you love and respect them, you don't want to hide parts of your life from them.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 7:28 AM GMT
    just make sure its what you really want to do. cause words are like bullets once fired you can't stop or take them back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 11:15 AM GMT
    So if they're Catholic/Christian religious, I have a few notes....

    If they love you the way you are, telling them you're gay shouldn't make a difference. The declaration of your orientation shouldn't change who you are.... after all, you are you, the product of your parents which was raised by society. Say that if they want you to say you're straight, which would be a lie, then tell them that you're advocating lies, which is a sin. God made you who you are, and denying that belief is a flaw in their belief. What happened to the golden rule - treat others as you would treat yourself. Everything has a different age and time when it become appropriate. I mean, the things Jesus did was not 'appropriate' to many people during his time. In the Bible, it's acceptable to own a slave from another country. It was appropriate then, so why can't we do that now?

    hmm 4:15am here.. time to sleep >.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jul 20, 2011 11:23 AM GMT
    My approach was totally different for my mom compared to my dad. With my mother, I was pretty emotional, and explained that I kind of tried to overcome this but it was who I was, blahblahblah.

    With my dad, I was almost standoff-ish, kind of aggressive, and spat it all out and then demanded, "Don't you dare pray for me in church! " In retrospect, I could have been a little gentler, but my father is a baby pope, it needed to be clear.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Jul 20, 2011 11:31 AM GMT
    I would advise you to go slowly and calmy,whatever their reactions.Be prepared for a seriously negative one.Always let then know you love them.And like the posters above,leave your brother out of this.
    Have you friends you can trust on this matter nearby?If so,don`t be too proud not to rely on them.
    I think it`s probably for the best you`re moving out soon as that will give you independence and maturity.
    I found coming out hard,so well done for deciding to!
    All the best!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 12:09 PM GMT
    Listen to Shinedown's Second Chance. Trust me it will give you the courage to come out to your parents and be yourself.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H25ORRgLxdA&feature=player_detailpage
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jul 20, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    Are you prepared to be disowned and kicked out of their house? Or do you know this would never happen? icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 12:20 PM GMT
    I'm coming out to my parents this week!! Any advice?

    This urge to tell parents reminds me of Crime & Punishment by Dostoevsky, as if being gay is a guilty sin that we are compelled to confess to others. Or are some of us so giddy with happiness about it?

    I never told my own parents, my Mother being dead before I had come out to myself, my Father having only a few months left to live. I knew it wouldn't make him happy, so why upset him at the end of his life?

    I asked myself if I really wanted to make this admission for his sake or purely for my own? Was this a selfish act on my part that would come at his expense, making me feel better and him feel worse? I discovered I could sit on my secret if it would mean putting one less bit of bad news on his plate, when he needed it least. And I didn't want to become estranged from my Father when he needed me most, and I needed him in a way, too.

    It's good you were inspired by Pride. But don't let it make you so hasty you harm yourself.
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Jul 20, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    When I was a youth Counselor in our gay youth group in University, we used to tell them to be prepared. Have back up plans in case they kick you out of the house (sounds harsh but it is a reality). As a lot of people here said, just be prepared, stay calm, and don't react with anger if anger comes towards you....The best advice I have ever heard and I still give to this day is to give them as much time as you needed to come to terms with your sexuality. I know that it took me a long time, and I had to give my parents the same amount of time.
    My mother actually took it really bad, and I was kicked out of the house..... years and years later.....she walked me down the aisle for my wedding to my husband....People change, but it does take time and patience. Good luck man! And it will be a great relief off your shoulders.
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Jul 20, 2011 12:46 PM GMT
    I really think you should wait until you move out.

    There really isn't a rush... besides in the meantime, you can kinda introduce your thoughts about being gay and let them know your gay supportive.

    I have a feeling that with them being very conservative, their knee jerk reaction will be to reject you. But, over time, they will grow to accept you once they see that you are the same person you have always been.

    Best of luck OXOX
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 20, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    Those tricks worked for me,

    My family loves Hollywood movies, knowing this I started breaking the ice with them by telling them about famous actors and actresses who are gay.
    In the beginning they were shocked as if I was telling them that Judy Foster is actually from Mars.. they couldn't believe what I was telling.

    Then they became both angry and curious: calling gay actors names and expressing their disgust for them but in the same time very curious to know how does it work out that two guys / girls live together and become family or even parent a child... that gave me lots of chances to explain what does it mean to be gay... not just sexually wise, but also in general.

    The sign I got that they were ready was when we were watching Grey's anatomy and my mother just worshipped George Omaly.. I told her once in season three that Isiah Washington was to leave the show cause he called TR knight a fag... cause he is gay in reality... then my mom sushed me saying,"Ok just lemme finish the show!"

    It became very normal to them to talk about gay people, to know that they exist to recognize them first as a phenomenon in the west, then a phenomenon world wide and at last to accept that I am gay myself.

    For you, your parents know what it is to be gay (although their info is much lacking and from bad resources) I advice you to take the time to correct their info first... my idea is as it follows....

    Tell them that one of your best friends is gay, he just came out to you!

    They will strongly ask you to cut all your relationship with him, call him names and unleash their anger on him (so better choose a friend who lives in another city!!)

    You then refuse to cut him off strongly and explain to them how he is, how being gay isn't an abomination ...etc

    This way they will be at least personally minded about you being gay friendly before you bring the big news... also you will have a nice chance to explain lots of facts to them..

    Always wait on your conservative parents and don't break the news to them in just one minute, it won't work out... remember, always be patient and wait for the best time.

    And at last, be safe and all my best wishes shall be with you

    Keeping my fingers crossedb
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Jul 20, 2011 1:53 PM GMT
    I think if you are sure you are 100% ready, then go for it. First off, go into it with the understanding that you've had your whole life to come to terms with this, so don't expect your parents to come to terms with this news in 5 minutes. Respect the fact that this may be a shock to them, a huge disappointment (no parent wants their child to be gay), and they will likely run the gamut of emotions from hurt and confusion to feeling that they somehow failed and that it is their fault. Give them time to process this --- and it may not happen overnight. That all being said, don't necessarily expect the worst either, because your parents may surprise you. When all is said and done, more than anything, all a parent really wants for their child is for them to be safe and happy. Give your parents the time to process all this and, most importantly, regardless of how their initial reaction may be, keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!!!