One sided friendships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    How do you handle friendships where they are totally or more one sided - I feel I'm gonna lose contact or connection unless I'm constantly initiating etc.

    One of my mates "hates the phone" and is so unreliable that you can't call him in a crisis, he will text you back most of the time and in London, people are always so busy they seem to not return calls etc.

    It just makes me wonder if there are that many reciprocal friendships. My mate is a great guy in many ways, but this wears me out.
  • Smiling_Eyes

    Posts: 197

    Jul 21, 2011 1:21 PM GMT
    Great topic. I've struggled with this. Ultimately, the decision rests with you as to whether or not you want to keep putting energy into the friendship.

    In the internet age, where people have thousands of acquaintances, true friends are to be cherished and in my experience quite rare.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jul 21, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    To me, one-sided friendships are not friendships.....just acquaintances. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 21, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    I have a third no-response rule. If someone doesn't respond to my first text/email/voice mail, I assume they're busy. If I initiate again and no second response, I figure they're just inconsiderate. If I initiate a third attempt to contact them and still no response, I realize they're passively-aggressively telling me to fuck off. So I do. Goodbye. Have a nice life. As malefeet said so well, one-sided friendships are not friendships. Just acquaintances. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen. No need to put so much energy into those types of relationships. Save your energy/time for someone who wants/needs your friendship.
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    Jul 21, 2011 1:52 PM GMT
    Been there ,done that and it gets old pretty quick. If the other person doesn't want to put any effort into the friendship then he just doesn't care much about it. I have know people like that and the one fine day they will say oh you never kept in touch, its like dude I was one always texting and calling, you never made an effort.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2011 2:00 PM GMT
    miamimasseur saidI have a third no-response rule. If someone doesn't respond to my first text/email/voice mail, I assume they're busy. If I initiate again and no second response, I figure they're just inconsiderate. If I initiate a third attempt to contact them and still no response, I realize they're passively-aggressively telling me to fuck off. So I do. Goodbye. Have a nice life. As malefeet said so well, one-sided friendships are not friendships. Just acquaintances. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen. No need to put so much energy into those types of relationships. Save your energy/time for someone who wants/needs your friendship.


    Well said!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Jul 21, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    True friendship are like breathing...it's automatic....My opinion ....you need to do a new friend search...BUD
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 21, 2011 5:11 PM GMT
    I've had friends who don't initiate phone or texting conversations.. I remember a good friend from high school just never did it. It didn't mean we weren't friends, however, it just wasn't his scene.

    When I read your title, I thought this might be about friends that tell you all their issues and never ask you about your life and events... believe me, those are one sided friendships!

    For this, I'd say, do what is most comfortable for you. If the guy isn't taking the initiative the way you would be comfortable, I'd tell him and if things don't improve (and you feel it's important)... I'd move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    One sided friendships get relegated to the low end category of 'Fair Weather Friend', a couple of steps below 'Frenemy (friend + enemy). You are most likely to discover these are the true definitions of those kinds of relationships when your life moves into a not so stellar mode. For me personally, I don't have the time nor the inclination to 'force' a friendship to grow. If it does, it does. If not, keep it moving.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jul 21, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    I've had a couple of people in my life who I have deeply cared about, but for various reasons they were just unhealthy. Either it was always a struggle to get together and I was doing all the work to stay in contact or make plans, or the "friend" took our friendship for granted in ways that made it difficult to continue -- the cons of the friendship outweighed the pros.

    In these cases I really try to be communicative with the other person. In a nice way I'll give them "notice" that the friendship isn't working for me, but that I value the friendship and want to see if it can be fixed. But, as with boyfriends, they have to want to change. You can't make them want to be changed.

    One of these friendships was one of my best friends, and many of my other friendships had waned. But, I preferred being "alone" than being in a friendship that didn't feel like much of a friendship. It wasn't easy. I felt some loss. But to this day I'm glad I made that decision. I've had contact with my ex-best friend a few times in recent years. I wanted to see if things had changed after a several year break, but he was still pretty self-centered.