Should I confront my racist ex after learning he dumped me because I'm black?

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    Jul 23, 2011 2:36 PM GMT
    Last year, I met a great guy. He came onto me hard. It was exhilarating being pursued. I was smitten. We had a lot in common in terms of background, temperament, attractiveness, athleticism, and creativity. We could talk for hours about movies, music, tv, politics, or anything. And the sex was mind-blowing, multiple orgasm, dusk-till-dawn kinda sex. Win!

    Yet I did not like how he, as a white guy, fetishized ethnicity. He would talk about how he loved “dark meat” and “black cock.” I thought it was dehumanizing: there’s a person attached to this cock. But I never complained because connection was strong and I didn’t want to lose it. I decided to be flattered, not hyper sensitive.

    Things went slow, because we were both recently out of bad relationships. But I got restless about not being his official boyfriend. When he started returning my voicemails with texts and declining invites to dinner, I saw the writing on the wall. I was broken up about it, but hoping to salvage at least the friendship, I contacted him asking him to tie up loose ends: talk like adults, trade belongings, and delete our sex tape.

    He texted me that he had already deleted the tape because he was already dating someone else. He added “I’m sorry icon_sad.gif but he makes me happy icon_smile.gif

    Ouch. But okay, it happens. A mutual friend convinced him to at least call me, that I deserved an explanation in his own voice. He did. He said he never meant to hurt me. He emphasized that he loved the sex. He enjoyed our conversations. He thought I was “funny, smart, educated, attractive, GREAT body, a nice guy.” But I wasn’t “boyfriend material.” I called bullshit. He replied: “There’s just no connection.”

    I was floored. “You know that’s not true, dude. I was there. I know what we felt,” I told him. I asked him what the new guy had that I didn’t.

    His response: “Nothing. He’s not better, just different.”

    Two weeks later they were on the record as being “in a relationship” – the official rank I never reached. A week after that, his boyfriend’s profile read “Engaged.” Well, how could I compete with obvious love at first sight? Sucks, but had to move on.

    FAST FORWARD SEVEN MONTHS...

    This week I ran into a mutual friend at our gym. Our conversation turned me inside-out (paraphrasing from recall).

    Friend: “People are wondering how you’ve been. Can’t believe he dumped you because you’re black.”

    Me: “What are you talking about? He met someone else. And they’re head-over-heels or something.”

    Friend: “Please. They fight all the time. He’s a light-skinned Latino go-go boy, but not half as goodlooking or smart as you. Not even close. But he only dates whites and certain latins...so...”

    Me: “But he dated me.”

    Friend: “Oh, my god, dude. I’m sorry. You don’t know? All his boyfriends are white or latino. He’ll fuck black guys, he will not date them. I promise you. Lots of white guys do it. Not me. It’s fucked up. Happens all the time. It’s fucked, huh?”

    Silence. I could feel the blood rushing to my face. He quickly added:

    Friend: “But you’ll be good, you’re hot, you’re a good guy. You’ll find somebody better, and he’ll still be looking. They’ve already broken up and gotten back together, like, four times. Nobody knows what he’s doing…”

    He kept talking, but I didn’t hear. The wave of realization put me in shock. Was I that gullible? Yes. That was the sum total: I was “boyfriend material” except for my skin color. The whole time, I was a dildo placeholder until the next white or latin guy came along. I don't even remember driving home.

    It’s a nasty lesson. I feel baptized in gay emotional violence. I think he was honest to say he did not mean to hurt me, but who cares? He didn’t mean to hurt me in the way you don’t mean to hurt piece of wood when you toss it in the fire: I was just a thing, an object.

    I don’t mind when gay guys go into stage-four denial about the stereotyping, indoctrination, fetishism, and shallow bigotry demonstrated by learned -- not biological -- sexual “preferences” that lump together and then exclude as unworthy and unattractive every single possible member of a racial group. The young gay scene is in aggressive denial about its pervasive white privilege, which is fine. To each his own.

    But it was not fair for him to drag me into his web of sexual racism. And I want him to know that I know what’s up about what a horrible human being he is...and maybe punch him in his thin lips and skinny nose. Should I confront him?
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    Jul 23, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    Hey guy. First of all, I would like to apologize on his behalf because it's no fun being in love/caring deeply for someone and then it turns out they don't feel the same about you. Second, I would just leave it alone because it's obvious that you deserve better and if you confront this guy then it will be like you're giving him all of the power so to speak...if that makes sense. If you decide to leave it be and move on with your life then it will show the other guy that he was a fool to have taken you for granite, especially if he sees/hears you're dating someone else who treats you the way he should have treated you. So, just move on...he's not worth the energy or time.
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    Jul 23, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    " Me: “But he dated me.”
    Friend: “Oh, my god, dude. I’m sorry. You don’t know? All his boyfriends are white or latino. He’ll fuck black guys, he will not date them. I promise you. Lots of white guys do it. Not me. It’s fucked up. Happens all the time. It’s fucked, huh?”


    Hmmmmm...meaning no disrespect to your friend's opinion, but the man in question DID date you, and you two were taking it slow, which I'm guessing means dating for some time.

    The man you went out with never said he broke up with you over race. Were you considering asking him?


    "Friend: “People are wondering how you’ve been. Can’t believe he dumped you because you’re black.”

    Why did none of these concerned people contact you in the last seven months?

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    Jul 23, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said...I want him to know that I know what’s up about what a horrible human being he is...any maybe punch him in his thin lips and skinny nose. Should I confront him?

    No, not while you're this emotionally charged. You might actually be moved to physical violence. In the US Whites get off free or receive a suspended sentence for assault -- Blacks serve jail time. You'd only be punishing yourself more than him.

    And a guy who can express himself in writing as well as you do (one of the best I've read here, actually), obviously intelligent & thoughtful, needs to be where he can use those talents, and not behind bars. So curb your anger.

    But you do have a right to be angry. This guy is clearly a jerk for his actions, and also apparently a loser. So why feel a loss over a loser? Agreed, his racism deserves special punishment, IF what this other guy told you is true. [EDIT: I see meninlove above also questioning the veracity of this, posted while I was composing this]

    If I could tell you the crazy things that've been said about ME over the years, by gossipy queens who got almost nothing about me correct except my name. You do know, for instance, that I came here to Florida over 4 years ago for my health, where I might get better treatment because I have AIDS?

    That little gem was reported back to my friends in another State after I moved here, apparently because I was spotted at an HIV/AIDS agency where I do volunteer work. Or how about all the stuff that was whispered in my ear about other gay guys, that proved to be totally false? I would therefore get a second or third opinion before entirely believing what you were told about your ex.

    I've encountered a few guys who were size queens, and so I can empathize with your sense of being dehumanized, a living dildo. The racial aspect, if true, adds another insulting component with which I have no personal experience.

    But I might note that the several guys who were more interested in my dick, and the sex, than me the person, remain single & unhappy. I don't need to seek revenge for some of the mistreatment I received from them -- their own lives are revenge enough. As is my own present success & happiness in love. You might consider this for yourself, and this foolish ex of yours.
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    Jul 23, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    meninlove said The man you went out with never said he broke up with you over race. Were you considering asking him?


    That's exactly what I'm considering doing. It's my experience that he will equivocate and deflect rather than lie. Either way, I'll know...I think. I obviously didn't know him as well as I thought.

    As for why no one voiced concern earlier, it's not for me to speculate. I will only say I have been deliberately MIA to avoid contact with him or mutual acquaintances as we all workout at the same gym.

    This was one of my first re-appearances, and now I am regretting it.
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    Jul 23, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete saidShould I confront my racist ex after learning he dumped me because I'm black?... Should I confront him?

    Well.... that it seems awfully unfair for you to try so hard to giving too much in the relationship if he's not going to return the favor,lol... "Don't let him bring you down!" btw i look forward to what you might find in the future. Lingering on the past doesn't get you anywhere in life besides deeper depression "or other things",lol... you will find someone better! "actually you deserve better than him!" Good luck!Smiley
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    Jul 23, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    Philip_ saidbtw i look forward to what you might find in the future.


    Ha. I get this all the time. It seems like everybody who knows is waiting with baited breath to see who comes along next. It's like I'm a Truman Show or something.
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    Jul 23, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    No - After you sort out all the irrelevant statements in this history. You come up with no evidence that this man is a racist; I don't recall evidence being defined as another person's opinion.

    Regardless, you were seeing each other for a short period of time, got to know one another, and it didn't work out. Perhaps he wasn't ready; perhaps you weren't ready.

    The only reason to contact him is if you yourself would like some sort of closure (admitting your faults in the relationship), or you would like to keep him in your life.

    If you're contacting him because you think he's racist that's quite self-centered because I believe a race must contain more than one person. The quality of self-pity is not an admirable one.
  • masculumpedes

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    Jul 23, 2011 4:50 PM GMT
    deltalimen saidNo - After you sort out all the irrelevant statements in this history. You come up with no evidence that this man is a racist; I don't recall evidence being defined as another person's opinion.


    I agree...from what I understand, you only have word-of-mouth that he is a racist. I would have thought if this were the case that you may have picked up on it while you were dating. Sounds to me like he is just one of those "Lothario" guys that I recently heard of....icon_wink.gif
  • SwimBIkeRun94...

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    Jul 23, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    You shouldn't act on emotion, especially when the person towards whom it's directed isn't worth a nanosecond of your day.

    First, I think you need to ask yourself what would be the objective of a confrontation. Is it to curb his hate? Raise his intelligence level a notch? Give yourself peace of mind knowing you told him what you wanted him to hear (even though he probably wouldn't listen anyway)? Get back together?

    You're not going to change him.

    When relationships end, people heal on their own. It's okay to be upset and angry, but you need to focus on your recovery. Will confronting this guy about a past relationship make you a stronger person, or should you focus your energy on your better future?

    My advice is to focus on you. Maybe some day down the road, when you're living a better life than him, you could have a discussion. But until then, I think the priority is you, not that d-bag.

    I'm not sure if you watch such quality television as the Real Housewives of New York, but a perfect example of this is the Bethany/Kelly relationship. A few years ago, Kelly set up a meeting to let Bethany know "she's down here, and Kelly is up here." Fast forward two years, and Bethany has a great husband, sold her skinny girl margarita company for $130MM, and has a beautiful daughter. I would enjoy watching a conversation between she and Kelly now. icon_smile.gif

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    Jul 23, 2011 7:18 PM GMT
    malefeet saidI agree...from what I understand, you only have word-of-mouth that he is a racist.


    Nope, I'm pretty well convinced. It was word-of-mouth that triggered my own recollections and realization.

    I don't reach these conclusions lightly, and I intend to ask him. He's not going to get off the hook that easily, absolutely not.
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    Jul 23, 2011 7:20 PM GMT
    SwimBIkeRun949 saidFirst, I think you need to ask yourself what would be the objective of a confrontation. Is it to curb his hate? Raise his intelligence level a notch? Give yourself peace of mind knowing you told him what you wanted him to hear (even though he probably wouldn't listen anyway)?


    All of the above.
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    Jul 23, 2011 7:28 PM GMT
    deltalimen saidYou come up with no evidence that this man is a racist; I don't recall evidence being defined as another person's opinion.


    Only a person who has not experienced racism would make this statement.

    On the subject at hand, another person's opinion may well be valid evidence. That's because modern discriminatory behavior is very nuanced and subtle.

    Often, the discovery of racism is all based on a series of increasingly un-ignorable 'aha' moments.

    I'm probably not going to find online video evidence of him participating in a cross burning, or dig through his trash and find a KKK membership trash. It doesn't work that way.

    But I do have the benefit of hindsight. And he is probably racist.
  • creature

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    Jul 23, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    Unless you feel this is going to bring you closure, I would just move on. No need to waste energy on the man.
  • Import

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    Jul 23, 2011 8:13 PM GMT
    dude, just give it up, its been like 7 months or something??

    why bother pursuing him, letting him know whatta horrible person he is....he probably doesn't even give a fuck what u have to say.
    I understand ur mad or angry or whatever, but confronting him isn't gonna change him or change anything. He used you. learn ur lesson and move on. Let that dude be, let him revel in his own messes and lost opportunity. Who are u to try and "teach him a lesson"
    he wont care....

    like why are u even inquiring about the guy? why do u even care whats going on with him and his relationships, just move on with ur life and meet other people.
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    Jul 23, 2011 8:35 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said... Should I confront him?


    Is it really even worth your time?

    From your profile: You're hot, you're young, you're smart.

    He's a user and a loser. He used you like an object, he did not respect you as a person. Don't waste any more time or psychic energy on user/losers.

    Now go make some man who loves you for who you are (not what you are).

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Jul 23, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    Leave him alone in his mess, and forget about him.

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    Jul 24, 2011 1:46 AM GMT
    Fuck that bitch and move on. I mean, the "dark meat" reference was pretty obvious that he only viewed you as a sexual object. Is that being racist? Not really. The fact that you felt a connection means that you guys were good fuck buddies. Only thing is, you didn't realize it. I have to agree with some of the others, don't waste your time/energy on this. It was LAST YEAR.
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    Jul 24, 2011 1:50 AM GMT
    ABSOLUTELY!! That is absolutely disgusting that he did that to you. He is just an ignorant bastard.
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    Jul 24, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    So what if he is racist? Isn't it his right? You are really being such a 14-year-old girl about this. First, you come to the conclusion (or realization, as you would want us to believe) that he is racist based simply on a remark by someone else. Secondly, you choose to sooo over-analyze the situation, interpreting it all as some nasty sexploitation experience. I'll also say I doubt the conversation with your friend went down the way you claim it did. You seem to have embellished a bit.
    Anyway, you can look at the situation this way: straight guy sees hot girl, decides to pursue hot girl for sex only as he does not want to be in a relationship with her, selects the tried and tested approach of showering her with what he thinks are compliments (i heart dark meat/black cock), feigns emotional connection with her, beds her eventually (and repeatedly), bails when hot girl #2 shows up. It happens all the friggin time.
  • mybud

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    Jul 24, 2011 5:24 AM GMT
    He hurt you so you want to inflict pain on him....Dude it's over...Show him how true class acts....now grab yourself by the nuts and move on....BUD
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    Jul 24, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    “You know that’s not true, dude. I was there. I know what we felt,” I told him."


    Yeah, well...you can't know what "we felt", you can only know what "you felt." You probably mistook his excitement and lust for passion and love. And so what if he's racist? Most people do have racist tendencies, both white and black. Being used for your skin color is no worse than being used because of your dick size (God I know this pain), financial status or a million other things. But it sounds to me like you jumped into this way too quickly which resulted in you getting hurt. Learn a lesson from this and learn to detect red flags as they come up in dating. Hope you feel better soon.
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    Jul 24, 2011 5:29 AM GMT
    You could always send him an email telling him that he is complete 1950's era trash.

    Keep it short and to the point. The guy's a total loser, not worth TOO much of your time except to call him out on his BS. Like his friend said, he's dating some gogo dancer and they fight all the time..... clearly HE is the one who is not relationship material.

    Trash is trash. You are better off without him.

    Damn, some things really infuriate me..... this is one of them. I'm so sorry this happened to you..... unbelievable.
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Jul 24, 2011 5:30 AM GMT
    Swim away from the wreckage, I'd say, and while your at it you might want to take a closer look at the mutual "friend" who said all of this to you. Too often those who share such information "innocently" aren't innocent at all, but are in fact chaos generators, addicted to drama to the point that they feel the need to create it or keep it going. So I say fuck that douche bag you went out with and fuck anyone who chooses to hang out with him.
  • tuffguyndc

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    Jul 24, 2011 5:35 AM GMT
    dude, i am going to give you some advice and you make not like it but you need to hear it. i am sorry you got your heart broken but by chasing after him, calling him and trying to get a answer that you never get just makes you seem desperate. dude, do not give him the satisfaction. move on and forget about him. dude, we have all been played at some point in our lives. the best thing to do is to move and find someone who worthy of you. oh and to answer your question. no you should not confront him or talk to him again. if you see him on the street walk by without even acknowledging him