He left, and as he did, he destroyed my life. Help

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    Jul 23, 2011 5:33 PM GMT
    It all started as friends, excellent friends actually, for over 2 years. There was an abundance of respect, love, care, loyalty, honesty and interest. We were together all the time, his family loved me, I am 2 years older than him and I exposed him to many things this world has to offer, I offered my trust, my heart and my sincerity.

    On Christmas of last year, he called me, and he sounded rather anxious, he told me he had to tell me something very important. We met up, he told me he was gay, I was shocked, I wasn't expecting it, but hey so am I. I was the last one of his important friends to know, he was terrified of telling me, he didn't know how I was going to react. He was the first person I told, that same night, and the story goes something like this.

    After he told me, we went to his house, I was sad, and going through some problems in my household nothing related to my sexuality. As the night progressed, he told me he was interested in a guy he was friends with, I dont know why, i got very jealous, and I ended up getting drunk. I told my mother that I was going to sleep over ("my friends house") we went to his room, I started crying because of all the problems in my life and he consoled me. I fell asleep with him on his bed, a couple hours later I woke up caressing his face, and kissing him while I was still tipsy, I didn't know what I was doing, I was scared but I smiled as we continued. That was the beginning of the end, an end that has completely destroyed me.

    No one knew about us, it was amazing, a dream on clouds even when we were awake. There wasn't a song that we didnt sing along to, we were raised so similarly, we had this intense chemistry, and everyone noticed it. We made it official in the beginning of January. His dad and step mother took to noticing it, they loved me as his friend and accepted us in a homosexual relationship. I felt so amazing, I slept over so many times, we went out with his family time and time again, my relationship with his family was just phenomenal.

    Problems started, i was scared, I am the type that loves to communicate, and solve issued on the basis of communication and talk. He doesnt do so well with communication, he was his own way and its "his way or no way" type of thing. I told him that he needed to be more open, and that our relationship was going to function of we pointed out the wrong doings on both my part and his, and also mention the excellent things as well. NOPE, he took everything to worst and said I was "judging him" and said that I wanted to change him, and that I didn't accept him for who he was. This was all creepy to me as I fell in love with him not for how he looks (I wasnt sexually attracted to him at all) or the tangible things he could provide me with, I fell in love with him for who he was with me, and how great of a friend he was.

    We broke up a couple times all due to the lack of communication, I caught him in his own lies a couple times, of course, I didnt stay quiet, I told him. He then got very offended. It all started spiraling down afterwards.

    The Final Break Up
    In march, he took me to the park and told me that he was not in love with me, and clearly said "I don't love you anymore", I was torn into one thousand pieces. The night before we had the most passionate night sleeping together, the best night we had ever had. I had a thousand and one questions lined up for him. He wanted nothing with me.

    I was desperate, i called him, I asked him, I begged him... Nothing. It got nasty, really nasty, really fast. After some trauma, he took me to the park and as I cried and explained to him how hurt I was, all I got was a smile and laugh from him. it destroyed me, DESTROYED me. The person I loved the most, and the person that declared everlasting love to me now is laughing at my suffering. He told me that he met amazing people ( he is moving in August for school), and that while he was there visiting the school, he just saw great people. How did he have the heart to tell me these things.

    Time passed, he told me terrible things, he told his friends (after he finally came out to everyone) that he didnt know what he was thinking when he dated me. Now he has a boyfriend, and a mutual friend says that he got into an ego trip. He continues to look for love, knowing that he is moving in a month far away. His new boyfriend is "the most amazing guy ever", "he is going to miss him very much". What about the two years you spent with me? Our mutual friend also mentioned that this new relationship he is in wont last long, as they are different by the thousands of figures. Its as if he has lost himself, he doesnt care about me, nor does he want to see me. I feel horrible, angry, sad, and I just cant get over it, after 4 months. After 4 months, he is with someone new, and completely forgot about me. The new guy is not his type, and as matter of fact, everything he doesnt desire in a man. I think to myself, are you that easy? He gets so easily amazed by everything, and he jumps to the conclusion that its "Love". Every one noticed his change, he is insensitive, and is a plain and simple Ahole with me. Where is this hatred coming from? I love him so much, and I always tried to communicate, but from one day to the other he just didnt love me anymore. I miss his family very dearly, I am so upset and I get so sad at night and after I wake up. He is fine though, this destroys me.

    What can I do? Why is he doing all these things. Please help me.
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    Jul 23, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    It's very sad.
    What can you do? get sad for a while
    Where the hatred coming from? from him? now you know him better
    that he is also up to hatred as much as he is to love.
    Can there really be a relationship without open communications?
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    Jul 23, 2011 5:49 PM GMT
    The story is so long that I omitted so many awful things he said to me. He tells me that the reason we are not talking today as friends is because I kept on talking about it. He didnt want to talk about. He expects me to act as if everything is fine after he tells me that he "doesn't love me", "or " I don't even love you as the friend you were"... that just destroys me, and he is so insensitive, that he just doesn't understand my pain. Everything I say to him, he tells me that I'm judging him, and I just want to work things out. I am in ruins.
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    Jul 23, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    I know what you feel, I had a similar partner years ago...some guys
    just does not understand emotional language... it is beyond them
    expressing feelings especially unpleasant ones are out of the
    question for them... now you know that he is different than you...
    Expressing feelings is much more healthy in the long run. You are
    right to be angry...you might want to confront the guy if it possible,
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    Jul 23, 2011 6:03 PM GMT
    I have decided that I do not longer want to see him, it just backtracks me. The process that I have made now will all be lost. The problem here is that we have mutual friends. His birthday is coming up, and one of our friends wants to throw a party for him, and she wants to invite his new boyfriends. From where am I going to get the courage to see his new bf, I know things with him wont last, its very clear to me and a couple of our mutual friends, but while it lasts, it is the color of roses, and he wont feel bad if he shows me that he is in deep love with this new guy, he probably would love to make out with him right in front of me, and he wouldnt care.
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    Jul 23, 2011 6:05 PM GMT
    When your heart's in someone else's hands
    Monkey see and monkey do
    Their wish is your command
    You're not to blame
    Everyone's the same

    All you do is love and love is all you do
    I should know by now, the way I fought for you
    You're not to blame
    Everyone's the same

    I know you think that you're safe
    Mister
    Harmless deception
    That keeps love at bay
    It's the ones who resist that we most want to kiss
    Wouldn't you say?
    Cowboys and angels
    They all have the time for you
    Why should I imagine
    That I'd be a find for you
    Why should I imagine
    That I'd have something to say
    But that scar on your face
    That beautiful face of yours
    In your heart there's a trace
    Of someone before

    When your heart's in someone else's plans
    Things you say and things you do
    They don't understand
    It's such a shame
    Always ends the same

    You can call it love but I don't think it's true
    You should know by now
    I'm not the boy for you
    You're not to blame
    Always ends the same

    I know you think that you're safe
    Sister
    Harmless affection
    That keeps things this way
    It's the ones who persist for the sake of a kiss
    Who will pay
    Cowboys and angels
    They all take a shine to you
    Why should I imagine that I was designed for you
    Why should I believe
    That you would stay

    But that scar on your face
    That beautiful face of yours
    Don't you think that I know
    They've hurt you before

    Take this man to your bed
    Maybe his hands will help you to forget
    Please be stronger than your past
    The future may still give you a chance
    (return to top)

    George Michael
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    Jul 23, 2011 6:15 PM GMT
    He went as far as returning a cologne I had given him for his birthday last year, and a gift card I gave to him this Christmas, with money that came right out of my saving, money that I shouldn't have spent. I give him the gift card and all he says is " why would you give me this, I dont need it", and he wanted to give it back to me the day I gave it to him. I am so emotionally hurt. I sacrificed and invested so much in US and to see it all in pieces is just beyond me. He left me when I needed him the most. The day he left me, was the day I told my mother about me, she doesn't accept me, and goes as far as saying that if I dont fall in love with a woman, than I can't fall in love with anyone, and that I should be with a woman or alone, she told me I had the devil inside of me, and that its all his (my ex's) fault. Even though he has hurt me beyond repair, I still stood up for him. My mom is saying all these things to her 20 year old son.. I just cant believe it. I feel alone, i AM alone.
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    Jul 23, 2011 10:50 PM GMT
    I'm going to say this plainly and bluntly....

    Time will heal this wound. Stop looking to the past... he is not worth your time. If he says he doesnt love you, then that's it. You have to mourn the loss and move on. Stop thinking of ways to get him back....

    You are 19! Believe me. You have a lot of life to live and a lot of love to give to people who actually deserve and want it. Don't let people consume you. remember to maintain yourself..... dont put your happiness fully in the hands of others. That's a sure fire way to get burned.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jul 23, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    +100. What the poster above said.

    You are both so young. He might feel enpowered by his new out status and freedom.

    You can't really do anything. Time will heal.

    This might make you feel a little better. At one time I felt the same as u towards my first bf. He was also a total introvert and keeps problem to himself. He also thought I was try to change him by suggesting we disgusts issues in the open. Anyway we broke up and he had a new date 3 weeks after.

    That was when I realised I have to let go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2011 11:15 PM GMT
    You can NOT make someone love you.
    You can not make someone be attracted to you.
    You can not even make someone like you.

    Best you can do is be you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 23, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    He gains power from your misery. Stop feeding him.
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    Jul 24, 2011 2:58 AM GMT
    Guys I just don't know what to do, everything was just so sudden. You guys cannot believe how much he loved me, it was just like a dream, he was so in love it could easily pass as obsession. His dad was very accepting of it, he even knew that we slept together. I felt better around his family than my own!!! He even went to the extent of asking me to move to ny with him and go to school there. I know you can't make anyone love you, or even like you, but when you have such a long a plain out beautifully played out story, the question is not why he doesn't love me, but more like why did he stop loving me.

    The comment about him being on this high horse I call Ego just because he is newly out of the closet and most people aside from his mother who at this point most likely hates me, are accepting of it, he feels like he can come and go as he pleases.

    I have not spoken to him in over a month, and I try every day to not contact him,and now that he has someone new, it just reinforces it.

    About this new guy, our mutual friend was the one who told me, I was devastated. When I saw his fb profile, I just thought to myself, you finished with me and this is who you end up with? I'm going to be honest, the guy is not at all bad looking, but he is far from his type. The type that he preached like a pastor to me right after he was done with me. He is into studious men, well educated and rounded off. This guy lives with his BOYFRIEN, yes the guy is in another relationship. I just ask myself how my ex has the nerve to date someone who was kicked out of his house and now lives with his boyfriend. Where is the guy I knew and loved so much? The person with values and standards? The person who now has sexual experiences with someone who goes home to do the same with someone else! He knows it and he doesn't care? My heart and jaw just drops!!

    Our friends have also noticed his change, his lies. They were sad, but obviously none of them had invested so much emotionally into him for them to mourn for over 4 months. I just can't, there is not one minute that I don't think about this. I feel betrayed, used, lied to. The worst of all, I don't have my mother, I can't even speak to her regarding this. I can't tell anyone, I have to keep it all inside and this is not who I am or how I usually handle my problems.

    Why would he get into a relationship a month before he leaves permanently? He calls it "summer love". This new guy is obviously going to be hurt when he leaves. I don't know whether my ex will even care after a week or so of leaving. He just doesn't care about anything and he was such an amazing person with me, so loving and caring. I just don't know. What are you guys opinion on him? Thanks so much for your input. You guys are great.
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    Jul 24, 2011 3:01 AM GMT
    Stop it already. Get your mind straight and get on with your own life. All this negative energy is not doing you any good. your reality is that you want answers to things that you probably will never have answers to. People change. Circumstances change. Stop trying to put puzzles pieces together that will never fit.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 24, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    i feel bad for you buddy. i hope you can move on from this ordeal. there is nothing wrong with you or him. u two are very young and need to just enjoy life. right now you need to just move on. you need to find things to keep you distracted and thinking about him.
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    Jul 24, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    "By their fruit, you will know them."

    You shouldn't have believed his words alone in the first place. If his words are one way and his actions are another, then you have to believe his actions. If you think he's acting like he doesn't love you despite what he's said in the past, then the fact of the matter is that you have to move on with your life. No amount of frustration on your part will change who he is even a single iota.

    It sucks that it ended that way for you but such is life. All things will come to an end. Just become better able to accept that and live to love again.
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    Jul 24, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    You'll get over this and you'll become stronger. It SUCKS but time heals all.

    Stay strong bud icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 24, 2011 3:29 AM GMT
    You are right, and I have made some process since then. The occasional down moment always comes though. Questions that will never be answered, but nevertheless do come up on my mind. I still care about him, I know that happiness can only be obtained in the present moment, so I don't have the mentality that if I were with him or that if he were to come back I would be happy, the odds are that I wouldn't, I know that. I guess that I'm urging because I'm seeing someone who I truly care about just doing things left and right, and not caring. He hasn't told his parent a out he new guy, bot even his best guy friend who is also gay and I migrate even add that he was the guy he initially wanted to replace me with, that guy didn't want anything with him though, they ended up being friends. He hasn't told them because he knows they will disapprove. Whatever, what I will always remember is that I tried very hard at fixing the issues through open communication, he didn't want to. He is oncensitive, a narcissist, and everything he is doing doesn't surprise me because when we were just friends I noticed many things, I just never thought that one day it would affect me so tremendously. That's life, my life, I wish I could talk to my mom, she has great advice I know, but I just can't mention this, I end up feeling horrible about myself.
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    Jul 24, 2011 3:35 AM GMT
    OurMind saidWhat can I do? Why is he doing all these things. Please help me.

    I'm no psychologist, so I can't answer why he's behaved like this. What I can tell you is that I had a couple of BFs who were very much like him, so I guess it's not unique to him or to you.

    But what I can report, if it's any consolation to you, is that those couple of BFs are still single, and each one still obsessed with me. Each claims they made a mistake, didn't realize what they had in me.

    Flattering, but I don't make the same mistake twice. Neither should you, nor let bad memories handicap you. You are taking on guilt, when the guilt in on him.

    I went on to better things, and so will you. The best way to forget an old love is with a new love. Trust me.
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    Jul 24, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    You guys are great, I feel really good knowing that someone can hear me out. I'm sorry for the grammatical errors, I am on my iPhone and we all know auto correct tends mess up things sometimes. He is in Spain right now, and as I was told, he misses his new guy very much. Such a shallow person, all the signs were there, even when he showed me so much love. I have no clue why I didn't listen to my intuition, and my gut, I guess this is what love does to you. He is 17 guys, at 17, he threaten me by saying that he will call the cops on me, why you ask? Because I wanted to talk, I wanted to hear him out and to discuss my own issues. He is just a dangerous and verbally violent person. Yet, he shows this great charisma that buys people, it bought me for crying out loud. I have such a mixture of feelings running through my head, that o can even squish in laughter. Wow
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    Jul 24, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    Seriously, your story seems like a movie. I don't know if this was your first love, but usually first love will never be your last. You always get away with something from a past relationship and that is experience. Turn this relationship into a lesson and make the next one better until you find the right guy. Glad that you're doing better.
  • timmytwister

    Posts: 169

    Jul 24, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    You lost me at "he destroyed my life"
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    Jul 24, 2011 5:36 AM GMT
    "This was all creepy to me as I fell in love with him not for how he looks (I wasnt sexually attracted to him at all) or the tangible things he could provide me with, I fell in love with him for who he was with me, and how great of a friend he was.


    So you had a platonic love for him. Is that what he wanted, too?
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    Jul 24, 2011 6:00 AM GMT
    Hmmm, this does sound like a few things Ive experienced before... I also decided not to bother with them in the end... its no point, they dont even want to be bothered with it, so why should you? I know thats far too easily said NOW, but Im ust letting you know that it WILL get better and you WILL get over him... it just takes time
  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jul 24, 2011 6:06 AM GMT
    Here is some good advice- STOP being a VICTIM, really, STOP the victim based thinking and all this will pass. Learing to stop thinking like a victim has helped me in MOST EVERY LIFE SITUATION (love, career, job, money etc.).
    you are not a victim unless you allow yourself to think like one. That is EMPOWERING.
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    Jul 24, 2011 6:15 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    OurMind saidWhat can I do? Why is he doing all these things. Please help me.

    I'm no psychologist, so I can't answer why he's behaved like this. What I can tell you is that I had a couple of BFs who were very much like him, so I guess it's not unique to him or to you.

    But what I can report, if it's any consolation to you, is that those couple of BFs are still single, and each one still obsessed with me. Each claims they made a mistake, didn't realize what they had in me.

    Flattering, but I don't make the same mistake twice. Neither should you, nor let bad memories handicap you. You are taking on guilt, when the guilt in on him.

    I went on to better things, and so will you. The best way to forget an old love is with a new love. Trust me.


    Ate Deco, you're my hero! icon_biggrin.gif