How the HELL do I overcome this chronic lonliness???? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    Im gonna be honest- after coming out last year, Im feeling so fucking lonely and I still have a few close friends.. I dont know if its due to being in a big city, maybe its loss after years of bulshitting myself and feeling disconnected from myself etc, but I need to ask for honest feedback how you sorted throigh the pain.

    Im feeling like crying right now because it feels like a seriously dark and empty void in my soul and its really hard.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    I envy some of the guys on here who seem to have it all together and seem so chilled on their own, single or in a relationship.
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    Jul 26, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to read that you're feeling this way. It can be hard to be gay and I think most guys have gone through a phase when they've felt alone.

    What you should do is find a professional therapist to talk to. I've done this during periods and it's been very helpful. Perhaps find one who practices talk therapy- not just a doctor who will tell you to take antidepressants (though that could help).

    It also helps to develop a strong gay friendship with someone whom you feel like you could talk about anything. I have a friend like that- met him online actually, and we've given a lot of support to each other.

    So, realize that it's normal and ok to feel down, but commit yourself to seeking people to talk to, get engaged in activities you enjoy- workout more, eat well, and sleep well.

    Good luck. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 26, 2011 10:50 PM GMT
    blactor saidIm gonna be honest- after coming out last year, Im feeling so fucking lonely and I still have a few close friends.. I dont know if its due to being in a big city, maybe its loss after years of bulshitting myself and feeling disconnected from myself etc, but I need to ask for honest feedback how you sorted throigh the pain.

    Im feeling like crying right now because it feels like a seriously dark and empty void in my soul and its really hard.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    I envy some of the guys on here who seem to have it all together and seem so chilled on their own, single or in a relationship.


    I can relate to what you're experiencing, I actually went through that prior to coming out. I had very few friends and the ones I did have were very surface type in nature. Then I regressed to relying solely on people online to address my need to connect with people. It was essentially a Band-Aid, never really addressing the true issue.

    I could cite many things going on in my life as the cause. Parents being divorced, having a father who was around, but not much of a role model to me, not feeling particularly attractive being overweight, having gapped teeth, making minimum wage, not really knowing anyone else who was gay...On top of that I'm an introvert....

    After being a recluse for a number of years, I reached the point where my coping mechanisms were no longer satisfying me. The loss of a parent at a young age was my catalyst to stop living a lie and accept who I was. I went on dates, many of them good with no possibility of long-term relationship potential, or outright bad. Then there was a phase where I didn't want to date anyone at all, just have fun…It was a learning experience, I figured out what and whom I did and did not want in my life.

    Quality friendship and a feeling of connectedness both your environment and the people around you can take time. I often remind myself of this now, since I moved 1600 miles from the place I grew up. Although it may appear that many people have their lives in order, the reality is often quite different.

    Some associate the feeling of loneliness with depression. Every case is unique, I experienced many hard days. I even went to a therapist at one point, hoping to sort out my life. Then I found she wasn't the kind of therapist I was looking for and never went back... I thought antidepressants might be a solution to my problems, but never got to the point where I was prescribed them. After seeing the side effects from family members, I'm quite happy I never went down that road. Disclaimer: I do not pass judgment on those who genuinely need drugs to function.

    You're still young and it's never too late to start meeting new people, one of whom may end up being a really close friend or more. Sometimes the best thing is just to talk about how you feel with another person. Let all those emotions out, speak and work with them constructively instead of having them take over. Last but not least… thanks for reading what I had to say :-)
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    Jul 26, 2011 11:28 PM GMT
    It will take time. Perhaps seeing a professional therapist would be helpful as it will give you an objective perspective as you process your emotions, growth, etc. On a more metaphysical/spiritual note, if you know of a trusted spiritual counselor or guide, a pastor or trusted rabbi, perhaps connecting/reconnecting with God will also help find your place and purpose in this world. If indeed God is the source of love, hope and joy, connecting with the source is the best approach.

    All the best on your journey. The community is here if you need a sounding board, but I think those may be two proactive ways to find some additional guidance. You are not alone. Hang in there for now.
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    Jul 27, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    Realize that you are enough on your own. You could live solo for life and be fine.

    Coupling has some perks and drawbacks, but think of it as a bonus.

    That empty hole in yourself that you're obsessing over is actually just a spot. Get an eraser and see that underneath, you were full all along.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jul 27, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidRealize that you are enough on your own. You could live solo for life and be fine.

    Coupling has some perks and drawbacks, but think of it as a bonus.

    That empty hole in yourself that you're obsessing over is actually just a spot. Get an eraser and see that underneath, you were full all along.


    #1 answer--you will not cure yourself by finding a guy.

    Fill your life with what interests you. Do what makes you happy with friends or solo. If you truly need friends make an effort to talk to people as much as possible and set a goal to make a new friend once a month at years end you will have a dirty dozen!!!
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    Jul 28, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    Well I can certainly relate to your story. I think there is some very good advice that has been given so far. Although I never took the route of seeing a professional therapist, I probably should have. But I was (and am) a stubborn SOB when it comes to dealing with mental health issues, so I would not recommend that most people deal with their problems the way I did.

    A couple of comments would like to make though.

    1. A few close friends may be enough for you in terms of leading a happy and fulfilling life;

    2. You are still fairly early in the coming out process and becoming comfortable with yourself. Over the next few years you will find that you become more comfortable in your own skin.

    3. Human beings have emotions and express those emotions for a reason, don't try and suppress them with alcohol, drugs, or obsessive behaviour.

    And finally, although you think people have it altogether, everyone goes through periods in their life where they struggle to cope and find life almost overwhelming.
  • Bigolbear

    Posts: 528

    Jul 28, 2011 9:55 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidRealize that you are enough on your own. You could live solo for life and be fine.

    Coupling has some perks and drawbacks, but think of it as a bonus.

    That empty hole in yourself that you're obsessing over is actually just a spot. Get an eraser and see that underneath, you were full all along.


    Well put!

    I think the biggest mistake is when people try to find their "other half" like they are missing something. If you are expecting someone to come in and fill a void in you then you are putting up some big expectations on people. That can hold true with friends and with possible partners.

    To the OP I would just advise you to work on what it takes to make you a more happy and functional person. If you open yourself up to taking better care of YOU then you will just project that security and happiness. Doing that will make people more inclined to want to be around you more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 30, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    Go buy some Rose Quartz and take it around with you. I had a long-haired 1960s hippie tell me that...

    What the hell. :-) Tell me if it works. (You don't mind being a test subject do you?)
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    Jul 30, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    I had that for a while, mostly due to losing someone before hand... it took me a while, but Im over it now though... Just focus on what it is you're doing and those feelings usually go away
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    Jul 31, 2011 8:30 AM GMT
    the more you think that you're alone and feel negatively about it, the less likly you will find relationships, friend or dating.