Chronic loneliness

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    Jul 25, 2011 10:27 PM GMT
    m gonna be honest- after coming out last year, Im feeling so fucking lonely and I still have a few close friends.. I dont know if its due to being in a big city, maybe its loss after years of bulshitting myself and feeling disconnected from myself etc, but I need to ask for honest feedback how you sorted throigh the pain.

    Im feeling like crying right now because it feels like a seriously dark and empty void in my soul and its really hard.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    I envy some of the guys on here who seem to have it all together and seem so chilled on their own, single or in a relationship.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jul 25, 2011 10:54 PM GMT
    You should probably look at WHY you're feeling lonely. Are you shutting yourself off from social interaction where you would have the opportunity to meet other gay guys? I'm not saying you should be going to gay bars or clubs, but maybe see if there is a gay softball or volleyball league in your area, or some kind of gay sports club -- biking, running, tennis, etc. If you're a religious person, maybe a gay church or gay-friendly church should be explored. Another great way is to look into gay volunteer groups because they can not only be a great way to meet real quality people, but also volunteer work has this way of lifting your spirits by giving of yourself by doing something for others.
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    Jul 25, 2011 10:57 PM GMT
    It is all about the small, tiny, seemingly inconsequential baby-steps that you begin taking in the right direction. Over time it adds up and you are a long way from where you started out, then you look back and feel even better about how far you have come.

    If you have only been out for one year, do not get so hung up on the fact you are not married to a perfect mate. After leading an "alternative" life for so long, you finally took the shrink wrap off your real life recently and you have a lot of exploring and figuring things out to do on your own. Experience the world, try everything once, figure out what you want, just never lose respect for yourself along the way.

    The most important thing is to have someone to talk to - someone you can ALWAYS be yourself to, you can always just speak your mind about a situation and feel like this person always has your back. That is the most important thing because you need to learn how to just be yourself, your real self, out and about. Seriously - it is not the worst thing in the world to say something totally, mind-blowingly, and frolickingly gay on the tube around other people. This is basically just - grow a backbone. Start with one person, talk about your gayness, talk about who is cute, how you wish that guy on the street had asked for your mobile number. If you do not have friends or family that can fulfill this "talker" role - get a psychologist or psychiatrist. Just bite the bullet on the cost and social stigma you might perceive - it will give you such great self esteem when you realize one day that you can be yourself and that is a very good thing.

    Joining RJ is a good start - message a bunch of people and try to start up some conversations. Join a gay sports league. Try to use the "gay dating" sites to make a friend or two, go hang out and do something active or go shopping or something.

    If you are not happy with how things are right now - here is what you do: make a list of everything you have tried that has not worked. Draw through each thing with a big red sharpie - then start brainstorming new things like the gay sports league and things like that.

    Oft repeated is that you need to be happy with yourself before you can ask someone else to be happy with you - so just start isolating things that need to improve. Would reading gay literature like David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs make you more well-rounded in a way you would value? Then go read. Would being a gourmet cook, to offer that casually as a first date idea to your next potential, seem like a good idea? Then register for some cooking classes.

    You are in the theatre - gays like that. You would be a hit at nearly any gay party I have been to icon_biggrin.gif

    It's okay to feel down once in a while, sometimes you need that to kick you in the butt to make you get up and start changing things. Just don't make it a habit to feel down about your life, your situation, and your life not turning out the way you thought it would way back when you were ten years old.

    And go check out the "UK guys hotter than USA guys" thread - there is some ego boost right there.

    icon_smile.gif
  • Anemoneg

    Posts: 68

    Jul 25, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    blactor saidm gonna be honest- after coming out last year, Im feeling so fucking lonely and I still have a few close friends.. I dont know if its due to being in a big city, maybe its loss after years of bulshitting myself and feeling disconnected from myself etc, but I need to ask for honest feedback how you sorted throigh the pain.

    Im feeling like crying right now because it feels like a seriously dark and empty void in my soul and its really hard.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated.

    I envy some of the guys on here who seem to have it all together and seem so chilled on their own, single or in a relationship.


    I personally think every body deep down is lonely, I lost my best friend, and people I believed I was close to I don't even trust anymore.
    I think you should just talk to a therapist, honestly they help icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 26, 2011 12:18 AM GMT
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    Jul 26, 2011 12:24 AM GMT
    Realjock is a great place to get feedback, but take everything with a grain of salt. I would highly suggest seeing a therapist because they're trained in how to help you see things from a different point of view so that you can solve your own problems.

    That being said, when you're depressed, everyone seems to have their shit together, but trust me....if they're human and they live on the planet Earth, they have issues! Comparing yourself to others will get you nowhere.

    Coming out should be something that makes you feel better, not worse. Did someone reject you after you came out to them?
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    Jul 26, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    its normal, it really is, just smile and keep going
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    Jul 26, 2011 12:35 AM GMT
    MrPolish saidits normal, it really is, just smile and keep going

    agreeds
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    Jul 26, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    navi_saiyan2 said
    MrPolish saidits normal, it really is, just smile and keep going
    agreeds
    No.

    If you really feel like this is causing you a considerable amount of distress, a therapist is a great idea. I did cognitive therapy for about a year and it helped me quite a bit. Of course, there's no set time for how long it will take to help, you can see them for as long as you like. Also, if you don't find a therapist you feel comfortable with the first time, don't give up. There will be someone somewhere that you feel comfortable talking with.
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    Jul 26, 2011 9:30 AM GMT
    Always a good idea is to accept this painful lonliness.
    It may serve you as a good time to do some soul-seraching.
    You say that you feel disconnected from yourself so now
    you know what needs to be done...getting back to your center.
    I would say that you do things that make you feel good
    and just as important express the things that make you feel bad.
    It does not have to be thru conventional therapy ...get creative
    about it... just let the pain out so you can get back in touch
    with the essential sweetness of life, by loving who you are and
    not by external subsitutes.
    Wish you good luck. icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 26, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    neptunian saidAlways a good idea is to accept this painful lonliness.
    It may serve you as a good time to do some soul-seraching.
    You say that you feel disconnected from yourself so now
    you know what needs to be done...getting back to your center.
    I would say that you do things that make you feel good
    and just as important express the things that make you feel bad.
    It does not have to be thru conventional therapy ...get creative
    about it... just let the pain out so you can get back in touch
    with the essential sweetness of life, by loving who you are and
    not by external subsitutes.
    Wish you good luck. icon_smile.gif


    This really makes a LOT of sense. Thank you.
  • gymnewby1983

    Posts: 36

    Jul 26, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    I'll resort to a cliché here, but it has proven to be true for me and for many others: it gets better.
    You feel alone now, but give yourself time. It's funny how life brings people into your life. Unexpected encounters are not that rare.
    I met some of my best friends completely by coincidence.
    For most of us, hitting rock bottom is the first step to soaring way up high. It's not easy, it's not without heartache, but it's really worth it.
    I sincerely believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (yet another true cliché). Embrace it all and build from here.
    Light cannot exist without some dark somewhere down the road. Nobody "has it all". They just hide it better than others.

    Cheers to a new life, cheers to walking a path that is your own.
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    Jul 27, 2011 12:58 AM GMT
    Did someone reject you after you came out to them?
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    Jul 27, 2011 8:23 AM GMT
    Being alone =/= being lonely

    If you feel like crying, then cry. Maybe you just need to get a good cry out of your system.
    I don't really know what you mean when you say that you're "feeling disconnected from [yourself]." Do you think you're depressed? Do you feel out of touch with things going on in your life? Do you think you're lacking in social support/friendship? Do you feel that your life is not going the way you had envisioned/hoped?

    The fist thing you want to look at is getting help for your pain. You could look for some sort of support group or professional help.
    Then you could work on the issues of feeling disconnected.
    One other thing I would recommend is to volunteer your time somewhere. You might think it's not the right time, but that may be why you should volunteer now rather than later. I'll share some advice with you-- people would give up just about everything to be of service to others. You will feel a lot better since, even though you're dealing with bs in your own life, you are still able to spend a few hours a week having a positive effect on others' lives. It's like taking a mini-vacation from your focusing on your own negativity.
    Since you're involved in theater, I'm also going to give you an acting exercise. You have to picture your life if you were happy and everything was going great in your life. So this alternate you or this you in a different stage of life is not lonely or feeling disconnected from himself. What are three things that this other you is doing in his life and enjoys doing that you are not doing now? Your homework is to do those three things in your life daily for the next forty days. You might not want to do these thing or be particularly excited to do these things, but just go through the motions anyways.

    Good luck with everything.
    If you need to chat, I'm here for you.
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    Jul 27, 2011 9:12 PM GMT
    Anduru said
    navi_saiyan2 said
    MrPolish saidits normal, it really is, just smile and keep going
    agreeds
    No.

    If you really feel like this is causing you a considerable amount of distress, a therapist is a great idea. I did cognitive therapy for about a year and it helped me quite a bit. Of course, there's no set time for how long it will take to help, you can see them for as long as you like. Also, if you don't find a therapist you feel comfortable with the first time, don't give up. There will be someone somewhere that you feel comfortable talking with.

    Agreeds with this too