Unrequited love or feelings for someone who doesn't return it

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2011 10:52 PM GMT

    This guy who came out of the 18 year relationship- we agreed to be mates and cool it down, and chat most days but its just friends.

    I still have feelings for him and feel irrationally jealous if I think he's had a hook up, tho he isn't into hook ups.

    How do I get over this? I've fallen for him icon_sad.gif
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    Jul 26, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    If you see this person face to face it can be difficult, but it can be done. There's easy ways to deter yourself from someone. Just start looking at his faults. I start looking at hairlines, skin texture, facial asymmetries, and eventually it's such a turn off I don't think twice about the person anymore.

    If you only 'see' this person via the internet; You haven't fell for him, and there's a possibility your feelings are just fantasies or obsessions or both.
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    Jul 26, 2011 11:09 PM GMT
    Nope, we've spent a lot of realtime together. In person.
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    Jul 27, 2011 12:40 AM GMT
    By listening to Adele's album (21) and let the healing begin.
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    Jul 27, 2011 12:43 AM GMT
    axl88 saidBy listening to Adele's album (21) and let the healing begin.

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    Jul 27, 2011 12:44 AM GMT
    He just ain't into you....move on.

    P.S. If it were me.......you'd have to beat me away with a stick....but, oh well......

    Better times are ahead for you, theatre guy.

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    Jul 27, 2011 12:46 AM GMT
    here here. my situation i was just out of a 3 year relationship started a fwb thing with a closeted bi guy. he was the one who was chasing me and i was a complete dick to him. 9 months later the roles have changed and im pursuing him and hes still into me but the question now is do we change our reltionship? does he come out of the closet? i doubt this will work out. Ive fallen for him hard core icon_sad.gif haha im hoping RJ will be a distraction so i dont get hurt in the end
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    Jul 27, 2011 12:53 AM GMT
    icon_sad.gif I'm sorry to hear that.

    Cut all ties. Then listen to Adele and let the healing begin. Move on. Focus on something else. Focus on other guys. I know it's hard to do....but at least try.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1830

    Jul 27, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    If you're the pursuer, remember that he left for a reason. He wants time away. If you love something set it free, if it returns to you then it was truly yours (otherwise remember it as good times and move on).

    Now moving on might be tough, but this is a good time to catch up on any of your hobbies you have or had before the relationship (18 years is a big amount of time). I know it's easier to "say" than "do" and that I'm a 21 year old who "doesn't know anything" but think about the situation ,and try to free yourself from it. This is a chance to be "you" again, not "you and him".
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    Jul 27, 2011 2:24 AM GMT
    cityaznguy saidicon_sad.gif I'm sorry to hear that.

    Cut all ties..

    Yup, thats the only thing that worked for me every time thats happened.... the ties were cut in the end anyways...
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    Jul 27, 2011 2:38 AM GMT
    You're jealous about someone who you aren't even dating and doesn't seem to return your feelings. You are painting yourself all kinds of sorrow. He just got out of an 18 year relationship. You can' expect him to just jump into the dating game so easily no matter how nice you might be. You're expecting too much and that's your bad.

    To make it worse you get jealous if you think he's had a hook. Clearly you're made because he hasn't hooked up with you in the way you'd like him to. You shouldn't stress that and you shouldn't be so hung up on just him.

    You need to give him space and you also need broaden your horizon.Does he know you want to be with him? If he does and still isn't going for you then that's a good indication for you not to pursue him (for the moment). if he doesn't know how you feel about him then you can't fault him. Either you shouldn't be faulting him given his situation.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11778

    Jul 27, 2011 3:00 AM GMT
    You're trying to take things too fast...always a recipe for disaster...You both agreed to be friends...that's what he needs coming out of a 18 year relationship...If you change the ground rules... he'll run and personally I wouldn't blame me....Chill baby chill...my advice....BUD
  • DeadLiftr

    Posts: 33

    Jul 27, 2011 3:17 AM GMT

    I think the best solution is to avoid him like the plague. I had a similar situation last year, and just ended up having to avoid him because it'd just end up hurting me when I had to be around him. Even in larger social situations where he was around, I'd consciously try and sit at the opposite end of the table, or if it was a party/bar, exchange pleasantries, but not talk or hang out together much.

    It might not save your friendship, but it will save your sanity.
  • FcukYea

    Posts: 37

    Jul 27, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    I've been there.... it kills you and it not until u snap out of it that you'll be better off.... To bad snapping out of it's almost impossible icon_sad.gif....I love me some chicken!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2011 3:51 AM GMT
    I could write a book on unrequited love. It's actually the only kind of love I've known(from both sides). All the advice given so far is excellent and I agree with all of it.
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    Jul 27, 2011 4:06 AM GMT
    I would start trying to meet other nice guys. I think the proverbial, "there's a lot of fish in the sea" will hit you if you get out and start seeing other guys. It may take some time, but it hit me when I broke up with someone I really liked. You realize that there are a lot of many other great guys out there that you can meet and fall in love with. It takes the sting away.
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    Jul 27, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    Geez Blactor your starting to sound like our old friend AC much now.

    Forever alone much?
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    Jul 27, 2011 11:43 AM GMT
    I recently (well, two nights ago icon_redface.gif) wrote myself a list of lessons I learnt from a similar situation, this is long but I'm in a sharing mood so here it goes:

    1. Never "all in" bet on another human being- you might just end up losing it all.

    2. If someone breaks your heart, be the bigger person and don't try to break theirs back- it will just leaving you feeling like crap.

    3. Don't take friendships for granted- sometimes they are enough all by themselves.

    4. If you don't know how someone feels about you, forget about your pride and just ask.

    5. Never allow someone you have feelings for to ride with you for 5 hours in a car with their new partner- its just awkward for everyone involved.
    -and remove Paramore's Riot album from the car CD player, that just makes it worse.

    6. If someone (you think has feelings for you) sends you a verbally abusive text message, never text back- confront them in person and make them explain themselves, and if they were really the individual who sent it- make sure they know what scum they are and tell them to at least have the courtesy to say how they really feel face-to-face to the next person they want to treat like garbage.

    7. When all is said and done, cry, feel like crap for a couple of weeks then move on, don't waste years of your life replaying it all in your head trying to make sense of what happened and what went wrong- you'll just drive yourself crazy.

    8. Finally, Never under any circumstances put yourself through having to see them (socially if nothing else) or make contact with them again, No good can come of any of it and you'll just get hurt all over again.

    That's all of them, hopefully at least a couple of them can be of some help...
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jul 27, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    Make yourself cry over him and get him and the emotions out of your system. It hurts, but it works....and then start on finding someone else....remember...it's not what it was...it's what it is now. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 27, 2011 6:56 PM GMT
    axl88 saidBy listening to Adele's album (21) and let the healing begin.
    So true! Her lyrics help soothe a tortured heart! She did for mine.
  • OurMind

    Posts: 15

    Jul 28, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    This is similar to a situation that I'm currently going through. I had a really good friend, it was just amazing, it couldn't have been better. We were both closeted and on one drunken night things began.

    A person who had just told me that he was gay and sort of going after this one guy now loved me and wanted everything with me. I loved him too, a lot, more than I had ever loved anyone. I got sucked into his game, Hesse amazing, and showed me so much livethat even throughout the short lived relationship, I thought it was infatuation. Everything I did was "amazing" he was just so in love.

    Three months later I get taken to the park and I'm told that I was no longer loved, even like the amazing friend I was to him. I was shocked, and the heartache was unbearable.

    Throughout the following months after the ordeal, I wanted to talk, discuss the issues, confront my own problems, nothing, nothing, nothing. I was told that I was not loved anymore. I wondered how someone who loved me so much and introduced me to his family who loved and and accepted our relationship could now go all out against me.

    I was laughed at when in tears, he laughed and smiled at my emotional pain and heartache. I was told disgusting things, I was basically emotionally abused by someone I still loved tremendously.

    He came out to everyone, and ever since then, he has completely forgotten about me, the person who loved him and stood there by him at all times. He has become a liar not only to me but others as well. He doesn't care about anything or anyone but if there is something in for him then he will shower you with "love". Everyone has noticed his change, he has spoken horrible things a out me.

    After some research and months of not sleeping or living because this has completely brought me down, I learned that I might be dealing with a narcissist, a person wiht no remorse, empathy or general care.

    He is now with another guy only three months later, the new guy is nothing like the type he is after, this guy lives with his boyfriend and is basically cheating and lying to him, and my ex got into this relationship days before movin to ny for school. Im not even worried about the new guy, as fast as it started it will finish, there is just no possible way those two will last, what hurts is that he no linger cares about me when i gave him so much to remember. He is honestly riding on his Ego horse and no one but himself
    will get him off of it.

    My recommendations, walk away, no, run away. As much as you do love this man, don't let this destroy you. It is for your own good. Itis the hardest thing to do I know, it took me a while to finally understand this, but I finally understood that I cannot love and go after a man who simply just doesn't care, if he ever decides to come back, which I honestly do not want because it would be simply too hard on me, I will have no choice but to say no. I don't even want this person as a friend, not even years from now after the feelings are gone. There is nothing good that comes out from loving someone like him, it's a dead end, where they always come out victorious.

    Love him, but do it by yourself. Save yourself from the emotional pain, if later he wants something, consider it but for right now, move on. Loving and not being loved is the worst feeling ever.

    Be strong, even when it's not an option.