Moving to an open relationship? Need advice.

  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 12:37 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now, and living together for one. We love each other very much, and I fully intend to marry the guy some day.

    We are having trouble in our sex life - our schedules are opposite, I travel a lot, and for some reason lately things just aren't clicking like they did at first.

    I am thinking about suggesting we open our relationship up - with ground rules and based on us being together emotionally and mentally, but so that we can satisfy our sexual needs. I'm mostly thinking this because I know we are both really frustrated with our sex life at this point, and I'm hoping this might improve home life and maybe even get us closer together.

    I've no idea how to approach the subject - and I'd love advice from anyone who can offer it.
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    Jul 27, 2011 1:21 PM GMT
    pandora's box.... its a No No
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    Jul 27, 2011 1:22 PM GMT
    Masturbation is so under valued.
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    Jul 27, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    its a phase, as lust wears down from the beginning. Direct your sexual frustrations to something constructive activity together...
    Grow from lust and sex, into something more and beyond what it was in the beginning.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Jul 27, 2011 1:30 PM GMT
    Might as well end it now, either that or consider threesomes.
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Jul 27, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    I wouldn't do it, but if you must do it, only play together, otherwise it'll turn into a free-for-all and will end with someone falling for someone else, and the other person getting hurt.

    Better to just find a way to make it work before resorting to this.
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Jul 27, 2011 1:33 PM GMT
    You can do what my partner and I do and that's play as a couple, one guy finds the guys and the other says yes or no, it makes it for a fun time when it does happen and lay down ground rules, for us we don't kiss with the guy or bend over for him as those two things are personal to our relationship and 2 years later its going good. He works from 7 am - 9 pm most days so we don't have the time we used to, so it helps when he gets off work that there is that extra company and when he goes his way we go back to the bedroom and have very intense sex with each other.

    As for the open relationship, I personally wouldn't care either way if it did happen in our relationship or not but I would recommend that you two lay down some serious ground rules, things that you consider personal and vital to you both as a couple.

    Its true it is a fine line to cross, opening the doors sexually and if you can separate both love and sex and know its just sex and walk away once done, then yes it can and is immense fun but only if you know how to, that's the hardest part, the first 6 months were complete learning experiences for my partner and I. Sexually we learned that its not the guy so much as watching each other have sex with a random person that turned us on the most because we know what its like to be that person having sex with the other half of the relationship.

    Oh and this is going to sound bad but in all honestly don't take the advice of guys who haven't done this or thought about it seriously. I know I'm going to get flak for it but unless you've lived it you can't really give your two cents on the matter in a logical manner other then the traditional values of 2 people only ever view as laid out by the church...
  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 1:39 PM GMT
    inuman saidYou can do what my partner and I do and that's play as a couple, one guy finds the guys and the other says yes or no, it makes it for a fun time when it does happen and lay down ground rules, for us we don't kiss with the guy or bend over for him as those two things are personal to our relationship and 2 years later its going good.


    Inuman - first, thanks for your honest response. A major problem is the time for us. I work 6a-7p, he works 3p-midnight...finding time for the two of us is a problem, never mind trying to fit a third in!

    My idea is that it would let us be sexual, as we both are, but not romantic with someone else. Our romantic, mental, and spiritual needs are met in each other, but is it a bad idea to allow physical needs (even if only temporarily) to be met by both each other and others?

    Thanks for your reply!
  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    ythings saidits a phase, as lust wears down from the beginning. Direct your sexual frustrations to something constructive activity together...
    Grow from lust and sex, into something more and beyond what it was in the beginning.


    ythings, thank you...here's my question to you, though:

    We are very much in love, but right now, where we are in our careers and in our home life, our sex life is losing. If we were to set ground rules, and know we are coming home to each other at night, couldn't you see an open relationship (with total honesty) helping keep things together for us?

    I'm curious what your primary concern/objection is?

    Thanks so much for replying.
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    Jul 27, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    up1ntheair said...couldn't you see an open relationship (with total honesty) helping keep things together for us?


    In an ideal world, perhaps. But nothing is ever that simple. Do you like risk? uncertainty? jealousy?
  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    TerraFirma said
    up1ntheair said...couldn't you see an open relationship (with total honesty) helping keep things together for us?


    In an ideal world, perhaps. But nothing is ever that simple. Do you like risk? uncertainty? jealousy?


    I don't mind risk, and don't get jealous...I am very uncertain, but more of how he will respond to my bringing the topic up. We're both feeling similarly frustrated, I know that for sure.

    What's your greatest objection to it?

    Thanks for your reply - really appreciate it.
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    Jul 27, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    up1ntheair said
    I don't mind risk, and don't get jealous...I am very uncertain, but more of how he will respond to my bringing the topic up. We're both feeling similarly frustrated, I know that for sure.


    Well, bring it up by stating just that: that you're sexually frustrated and let the conversation go from there - maybe it will open the relationship up, maybe it won't, but at least the dialogue will have started. He may or may not have considered opening the relationship up as well, but you won't know that until you talk about it. Dan Savage has some good talks on the subject. It seems like the honesty is key, but mostly being honest with yourself and what you want.. then listen to your partner about what he honestly wants, and see if you can find some common ground.
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Jul 27, 2011 1:57 PM GMT
    up1ntheair said
    inuman saidYou can do what my partner and I do and that's play as a couple, one guy finds the guys and the other says yes or no, it makes it for a fun time when it does happen and lay down ground rules, for us we don't kiss with the guy or bend over for him as those two things are personal to our relationship and 2 years later its going good.


    Inuman - first, thanks for your honest response. A major problem is the time for us. I work 6a-7p, he works 3p-midnight...finding time for the two of us is a problem, never mind trying to fit a third in!

    My idea is that it would let us be sexual, as we both are, but not romantic with someone else. Our romantic, mental, and spiritual needs are met in each other, but is it a bad idea to allow physical needs (even if only temporarily) to be met by both each other and others?

    Thanks for your reply!



    Well how about bringing it up just after you two had one intense night of sex, I know you two don't have a lot of time together but once you do, lay it heavy on him with the sex, then when its done and you two are in your calming zone, for us its cuddling and when your about to get back to the regular world ask him about it, just casually say "you know we don't get to do this enough, so I was thinking and don't hate me for it or get upset but I was thinking that...

    Also some people would see it as a line leading to straying hearts and minds and what not but if you two know its just sex with the random guy you hook up with and that's the thing it HAS to be a random person each time, never EVER let it get to be more then once with a guy, we've learned on that as well, we've had a few in the past that wanted more then just sex with us and we just wanted sex with them, so remember once is all they are allowed, also one of the rules you should seriously consider if your going to do the open relationship thing.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jul 27, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    Another thing is to always ask permission. Let him know before you do what you want to do. Mine likes it if I take pictures.
  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 2:05 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]citpolo said[/cite]
    up1ntheair said
    I don't mind risk, and don't get jealous...I am very uncertain, but more of how he will respond to my bringing the topic up. We're both feeling similarly frustrated, I know that for sure.


    Well, bring it up by stating just that: that you're sexually frustrated and let the conversation go from there - maybe it will open the relationship up, maybe it won't, but at least the dialogue will have started. He may or may not have considered opening the relationship up as well, but you won't know that until you talk about it./quote]

    Thanks - great advice. Do you know couples that are successful in open relationships?
  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    inuman said
    Well how about bringing it up just after you two had one intense night of sex, I know you two don't have a lot of time together but once you do, lay it heavy on him with the sex, then when its done and you two are in your calming zone, for us its cuddling and when your about to get back to the regular world ask him about it, just casually say "you know we don't get to do this enough, so I was thinking and don't hate me for it or get upset but I was thinking that...

    Also some people would see it as a line leading to straying hearts and minds and what not but if you two know its just sex with the random guy you hook up with and that's the thing it HAS to be a random person each time, never EVER let it get to be more then once with a guy, we've learned on that as well, we've had a few in the past that wanted more then just sex with us and we just wanted sex with them, so remember once is all they are allowed, also one of the rules you should seriously consider if your going to do the open relationship thing.


    Thanks, inuman....that's some really good advice. I think we'd set similar ground rules. Have you two ever played separately, or always together? Was that something you discussed when thinking about it?
  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Jul 27, 2011 2:40 PM GMT
    up1ntheair said
    inuman said
    Well how about bringing it up just after you two had one intense night of sex, I know you two don't have a lot of time together but once you do, lay it heavy on him with the sex, then when its done and you two are in your calming zone, for us its cuddling and when your about to get back to the regular world ask him about it, just casually say "you know we don't get to do this enough, so I was thinking and don't hate me for it or get upset but I was thinking that...

    Also some people would see it as a line leading to straying hearts and minds and what not but if you two know its just sex with the random guy you hook up with and that's the thing it HAS to be a random person each time, never EVER let it get to be more then once with a guy, we've learned on that as well, we've had a few in the past that wanted more then just sex with us and we just wanted sex with them, so remember once is all they are allowed, also one of the rules you should seriously consider if your going to do the open relationship thing.


    Thanks, inuman....that's some really good advice. I think we'd set similar ground rules. Have you two ever played separately, or always together? Was that something you discussed when thinking about it?


    Well its funny you ask that because the only time we play apart or rather I'm allowed to screw the sexy older then 30 guys which there are MILLIONS out there icon_razz.gif is when we go away for the weekend and spend the night at a bathhouse *don't get all judgy people we all do it, sex I mean, some people just go about it differently is all*
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    Jul 27, 2011 2:48 PM GMT
    The best way to handle this is to be upfront and honest with your boyfriend. Lay everything out on the table and don't hold back. Gently but clearly lay out your proposal for an open relationship, making sure that you give him an opportunity to say "yes," "no," or "maybe." Remember, it's not all about you; there's another party involved. Ideally, your proposal would have some set parameters--e.g., no sleepovers, no kissing, no repeats, no unsafe practices, no more than 2 hours per hookup, no fucking with friends, no bottoming, don't-ask-don't-tell, always tell, etc., etc. etc. Once you've set your parameters and you've agreed on everything, make sure that both of you stick by your agreementt faithfully. Unequivocal trust is critical in open relationships. Also remember that there are risks involved in open relationships no matter how secure the parties are in their relationship. For example, one or both of the parties could develop deeper feelings for another person. Clearly, the more people you fuck, the greater are the chances of meeting someone more exciting, etc. You can always go back to a monogamous relationship if open relationship doesn't work out, however. Good luck.
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    Jul 27, 2011 2:54 PM GMT


    Have a wank!

    Seriously, if you want to end your relationship then suggest and implement this. Otherwise enjoy the time you have together and hopefully things will improve. A year is not a lot of time in 'forever' relationship.
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    Jul 27, 2011 2:58 PM GMT
    ythings saidits a phase, as lust wears down from the beginning. Direct your sexual frustrations to something constructive activity together...
    Grow from lust and sex, into something more and beyond what it was in the beginning.
    Based on what? A phase? Yeah, many say being gay is a phase too. Lack of sex is NOT a phase, it's a frustration and finding ways of working together with your partner to overcome the frustration is admirable. Some find self induced pleasure the answer, some find other physical contact a solution. It's all about what the relationship can handle.
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    Jul 27, 2011 3:00 PM GMT
    Both monogamous and open relationships can, and do work, depending upon the couple. HOWEVER, opening up your relationship when things are going well and opening it up when things are going badly are two different things! First of all, I don't buy that your problem is because you can't find time to fuck. Let's face it, if two guys are sparking on each other, they will move mountains to get together.

    I would hold off on opening up your relationship. I would suggest couple's therapy first. Once you get your own sex life back on track, THEN see if you still want to open it up.
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    Jul 27, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    up1ntheair said

    I am thinking about suggesting we open our relationship up - with ground rules and based on us being together emotionally and mentally, but so that we can satisfy our sexual needs. I'm mostly thinking this because I know we are both really frustrated with our sex life at this point, and I'm hoping this might improve home life and maybe even get us closer together.
    Here's the most important part of what you said. Just the fact that you're thinking about communicating the frustration is a BIG deal. You have to talk about it with each other. Frustration is just not acceptable in a relationship, it leads to sneaking around and other issues. Talk about what each of you needs, what you're now getting, what you're not getting, what you'd like to experience and then begin to set the boundaries of what you can both live with. If doing 'extracurricular' activities together would help, then start there. If the love and trust is there, I think the open relationship will do fine, but be open with him when you get home. Talk about what your experiences were, good and bad. Sense his reaction and encourage him to be very open with you but DON'T judge him or get angry with him if he comments in a disapproval or negative way. As long as you're communicating. Holding sex hostage for a partner based solely on tradition and monogamy is dangerous (50% divorce rate should be proof enough for that) but open communications and boundaries are essential for it to work. Good luck.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Jul 27, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    Crazy thought !
    lf you love someone how can you ever think of this?
  • dcguy987

    Posts: 14

    Jul 27, 2011 3:41 PM GMT
    Thanks for all of the advice guys - really appreciate it.

    Has anyone been in an open relationship before?
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    Jul 27, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    Is it really just the schedule issues, or is there some other problem that you're not facing up to? Reason I ask is it seemed from your original message that there has always been the schedule challenge, but things were better before.