Gay Sex, Values and morals.

  • aldss

    Posts: 70

    Jul 27, 2011 11:53 PM GMT
    I've thought this for Many years now and have had countless conversations with friends about the mentality of gay men when it comes to relationships.

    Ive always argued that Gay relationships need to follow the guild lines of str8 relationships more, as I believe it would keep gay relationships lasting much longer.

    After years of reading and seeing so many forums about relationships, I have come to believe that gay men (NOT ALL GAY MEN) focus far to much on sex, and seem to always be wanting more than they have, that little bit extra on the side. To have there cake and eat it.

    My question to you all is, do you feel the same and why do you think that is ?

    I would love to hear of more committed couples just being together.
  • JonPk

    Posts: 132

    Jul 28, 2011 1:02 AM GMT
    aldss saidI've thought this for Many years now and have had countless conversations with friends about the mentality of gay men when it comes to relationships.

    Ive always argued that Gay relationships need to follow the guild lines of str8 relationships more, as I believe it would keep gay relationships lasting much longer.

    After years of reading and seeing so many forums about relationships, I have come to believe that gay men (NOT ALL GAY MEN) focus far to much on sex, and seem to always be wanting more than they have, that little bit extra on the side. To have there cake and eat it.

    My question to you all is, do you feel the same and why do you think that is ?

    I would love to hear of more committed couples just being together.


    I agree with you.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Jul 28, 2011 1:12 AM GMT
    Don't assume married str8 couples are all faithfully monogamous; there are all kinds of people in all kinds of relationships. I think that the gay community, in general, is more open to the idea of various relationship dynamics, so this variety is not as hidden within the gay community as it is within society at large.
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    Jul 28, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    I think it is a discipline issue more than a gay issue. It just happens to be that gay guys face more challenges that make being disciplined feel less rewarding than doing what feels good.
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    Jul 28, 2011 1:19 AM GMT
    It's not a gay thing, it's a male thing. Straight guys would be doing the same thing if more women were as free/willing to play along.

    I disagree with your assertion that gay men focus too much on sex. You're implying that there's an acceptable focus on sex.
    So where do you draw the line that someone is focusing too much on sex and someone else is not focusing enough on sex. If someone is focusing too much on sex, then there should also be a minimum acceptable amount of sexual focus as well, right?

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    Jul 28, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    Values and Morals???

    O, BORE ME TO DEATH
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    Jul 28, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think men in general have a tendency to hoard whatever it is they want. I would not limit men who are heavily focused on sex to be fall within the gay community only. Look at all the heterosexual relationships where the man enjoys a polygamist lifestyle by having several wives yet the women are not allowed to seek out other people for sexual fulfillment. This shit has been going on forever.



    QFT.

    Of course we have some judgmental, self-righteous queens up in here who make everything about being superior to "sluts" and "promiscuous" men. They too have their issues. i.e., they fail to realize that one value system does not apply to ALL people. What works for some people does not work for others. Some people can have a life more focused on sex; it does not preclude them from genuine happiness or having meaningful relationships. Others prefer to only have sexual relationships with more strict rules about it. It comes down to what one is comfortable and happy with.

    For me, I think moderation is key. People can hook up sometimes but that doesn't preclude them from being intimate and growing to truly love one person. The OP discusses how he says we should try to follow the guidelines of straight relationships more....

    I disagree.... I think what people need most is to understand what they really truly want out of life and out of a relationship. This is the biggest issue. Some people try to get into relationships that they think they want, but in reality it's not that simple. Other people are afraid of the intimacy...... its all about increasing individual self-awareness.

    Straight people are often pressured into marrying, via both internal and external sources (society, parents, etc). This can lead to unhappy marriages, unwanted children, and generally shitty outcomes. On the other hand some people truly do want families, are aware of what they want in relationships, and are emotionally able to get and maintain that.

    Its entirely possible for gay men to have happy, stable relationships. But it really doesnt have much to do with whether someone focuses on sex. I know people who have ended up in LTRs based on what was supposed to be a hook up. No one knows where life takes us!

    It's all based on what you want, and if you make it a priority to find a mate. Not all gay men do make it a priority, because in some ways we are relieved of that pressure to marry and make babies. Its not bad, its just different. Why do we always have to measure ourselves against straight people? Lol.... believe me they are all kinds of crazy too. Crazy is not limited to gays.
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    Jul 28, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    gay men are no more focused on sex than straight men. Just take a look at how much money the porn industry generates. Men are men. Gay or straight makes no difference.
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    Jul 28, 2011 6:08 AM GMT
    aldss saidI've thought this for Many years now and have had countless conversations with friends about the mentality of gay men when it comes to relationships.

    Ive always argued that Gay relationships need to follow the guild lines of str8 relationships more, as I believe it would keep gay relationships lasting much longer.

    After years of reading and seeing so many forums about relationships, I have come to believe that gay men (NOT ALL GAY MEN) focus far to much on sex, and seem to always be wanting more than they have, that little bit extra on the side. To have there cake and eat it.

    My question to you all is, do you feel the same and why do you think that is ?

    I would love to hear of more committed couples just being together.


    I disagree completely. Same-sex relationships are not the same as mixed sex relationships BECAUSE in one case both partners are men and in the other one is a man and one is a woman. The dynamic should be different because the make-up is different. Doing things because they look/seem like what a straight couple would do is the wrong way to go.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jul 28, 2011 6:36 AM GMT
    I agree with the posts saying that this is a MEN issue not a gay or straight one. I think it's a societal issue as well. Our society is so oversexed and full of images and messages that tell us to LOOK our best rather than FEEL and BE our best. I think that makes it so people look at sex as nothing. Just a no strings attached behavior that is always OK if it's between two consenting adults.

    I also agree on it being a self control issue. Just because we are men, doesn't mean we have to always act like men in our sexuality. Why is it a topic of discussion with straight men how many girls they had sex with and what they did? Why is it accepted to be a stud or a player? But then too much of it, you get called a slut.

    I just think we have lost that emotional attachment because our physical feelings have overtaken our mental feelings. Why do so many gay relationships seem to start with or contain sex when you aren't even dating or married?
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Jul 28, 2011 6:46 AM GMT
    Well, the thing is that

    No

    .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2011 6:54 AM GMT
    A person is fully capable of being promiscuous when single and committed when in love. But I don't think the two should be mixed.
    When you are single, I see no point to limit yourself and stop yourself from doing things that you want to do.
    When it comes to relationships - I don't like the idea of an open relationship. I don't judge it, I just don't like it.
    If you are in a relationship, you should be in a relationship. No fuck buddies, no threesomes - this is just the way I see it.

    However, it is really funny to me how some guys think that just because they don't have sex, somehow that makes them superior, smarter, more respectable or something like that. Seriously - that's hilarious.
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    Jul 28, 2011 7:04 AM GMT
    aldss saidI've thought this for Many years now and have had countless conversations with friends about the mentality of gay men when it comes to relationships.

    Ive always argued that Gay relationships need to follow the guild lines of str8 relationships more, as I believe it would keep gay relationships lasting much longer.

    After years of reading and seeing so many forums about relationships, I have come to believe that gay men (NOT ALL GAY MEN) focus far to much on sex, and seem to always be wanting more than they have, that little bit extra on the side. To have there cake and eat it.

    My question to you all is, do you feel the same and why do you think that is ?

    I would love to hear of more committed couples just being together.



    With divorce rates being higher than 50%, I don't know if following the guidelines of straight relationships would be a very good idea.

    I think if everyone worked on being a better husband, BF or person, that's a pretty good start.
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    Jul 28, 2011 7:10 AM GMT
    I think values and morals are entirely subjective, regardless of whether a relationship is gay or straight. It shouldn't matter whether it's a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Some people are perfectly happy being monogamous, some are not. The only common denominator in terms of value/morality from couple to couple is agreement between the two individuals. Are we monogamous or not, and if not, what are the terms? It's up to the couple to decide how to handle breaches in agreement.
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    Jul 28, 2011 7:10 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Dude...you just blew a stranger AT WORK today and then bragged about it on the Internet. Don't be too surprised if some people "look down" on that.

    Do it if you must, but perhaps "discretion is the better part of valour" in some endeavours.

    Dude... cut the comments on that, ok? I did not brag, I shared. If you do not know the difference, look it up online. And I don't really care if some judgmental guy on a website has a problem with me or what I do, so there is really no point in discussing it. Capish?
  • aldss

    Posts: 70

    Jul 28, 2011 1:22 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidI think men in general have a tendency to hoard whatever it is they want. I would not limit men who are heavily focused on sex to be fall within the gay community only. Look at all the heterosexual relationships where the man enjoys a polygamist lifestyle by having several wives yet the women are not allowed to seek out other people for sexual fulfillment. This shit has been going on forever.



    Nothing to do with sexual fulfillment, history indicates that men would marry more than one women because the middle east and Arab countries were poor and have far less men than women.

    And my argument would be that yes men do hoard what ever it is they want, but it seems that in gay relationships it seems to have no limits.

    I'm all for having as much fun with who ever you want outside the relationship, but once committed then take the meaning of the word and understand it, then practice it.

  • aldss

    Posts: 70

    Jul 28, 2011 1:29 PM GMT
    Animus

    I disagree completely. Same-sex relationships are not the same as mixed sex relationships BECAUSE in one case both partners are men and in the other one is a man and one is a woman. The dynamic should be different because the make-up is different. Doing things because they look/seem like what a straight couple would do is the wrong way to go. [/quote]

    Everyone is human at the end of the day, your basically saying gay people should be treated different because of our make-up.

    Regardless of being gay/str8 the basic morals and values of a relationship should be the same.

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    Jul 28, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    Something I found on the internet today:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/oct/19/gay-men-promiscuous-myth
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    Jul 28, 2011 2:12 PM GMT
    meninlove said Something I found on the internet today:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/oct/19/gay-men-promiscuous-myth


    Yep, that is pretty accurate. Sure there are gay men who have hundreds of sex partners. What the media does not bother to mention is the number of heterosexuals that have hundreds even thousands of sex partners (reading about Wilt Chamberlain's personal life almost made me blush).

    As for gay men using straights as a guide for relationships, I don't know, I have not known that many successful straight relationships.
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    Jul 28, 2011 2:14 PM GMT


    You can chose to follow any set of guides you want, you can reject Straight ideals, or advocate 'the gay way'

    However humans are humans, human beings as people gravitate towards monogamy, like it or not. It works, we like to feel special and we value the intimacy.

    Many gay men, many of whom will be on these forums, are chronicley single, however they will not give up the right to "have their cake and eat it" as they feel this is their right. This is 100% born out the oppression and cloak and dagger lifestyle that gay men we forced to live, where there was no such thing as monogamy, and infidelity was a way of life.

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    Jul 28, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    Straight relationships are pretty gnarly, I think if we tried to live up to them we may as well start punching ourselves in the face.

    Here's a good example.

    Straight guys fucks guys while he has a girlfriend

    Oh and

    Girl fucks other guys
    Guy fucks other girls
    Guy watches girl make out with other girls
    Girl wishes she was dating a gay guy



    ...do whatever's best for you, like based on a generalization is like being undead.
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    Jul 28, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    Personal anecdote ahead...long ago in the olden days, lol...being in a relationship (usually monogamous) was considered the IN thing.
    Trouble was, many who were into casual sex (a social faux pas) lied and said they weren't. The heartache that ensued in the dating world was appalling.


    My personal feeling is that it's better to be accepting of others so they can feel they can be open about what they're all about. That way it's more likely birds of a feather can indeed, flock together.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jul 28, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    I can't imagine having a successful LTR without great sex. Some of my friends have managed to do it but I never could. My man and I still have sex nearly everyday. This is the biggest reason I don't have much of a desire to have sex with any other guy. Once you add the risk of STDs to the mix it becomes even less desirable.

    Having said that... as a couple we don't really care that much about being monogomous. It's just not that big of a deal because we have complete trust in each other. In fact, having strict rules about monogomy would probably have the opposite effect because it would imply that we couldn't trust each other. Does that even make sense?

    Still, what works for us cannot work for everyone. Each couple will have to figure this out for their own unique situation.
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    Jul 28, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    wander2340 saidI can't imagine having a successful LTR without great sex. Some of my friends have managed to do it but I never could. My man and I still have sex nearly everyday. This is the biggest reason I don't have much of a desire to have sex with any other guy. Once you add the risk of STDs to the mix it becomes even less desirable.

    Having said that... as a couple we don't really care that much about being monogomous. It's just not that big of a deal because we have complete trust in each other. In fact, having strict rules about monogomy would probably have the opposite effect because it would imply that we couldn't trust each other. Does that even make sense?

    Still, what works for us cannot work for everyone. Each couple will have to figure this out for their own unique situation.


    Yes it makes sense. It means you guys have a secure attachment to each other. A rare thing. Enjoy it!! icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 28, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    aldss saidIve always argued that Gay relationships need to follow the guild lines of str8 relationships more, as I believe it would keep gay relationships lasting much longer.

    I would love to hear of more committed couples just being together.
    Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Following in the foot path of the Str8 community here in the US would allow the gay community to match the 50+% divorce rate with heterosexuals. That's definitely going to "keep gay relationships lasting much longer".