Attacks of insecurity

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2011 10:57 PM GMT
    Hey Realjock,

    I'm a 25 year old fun loving guy with lots of friends, the hottest boyfriend you will ever meet. I used to be a swimmer but still do every so often, but still sport every day, whether it be cycling funning swimming fitness or whatever seems to be fun that day.

    I'm a student in tax law and I'm graduating this year and I already managed to find a job.

    All in all I can't say things are going to bad for me.

    Sometimes though, I get this kind of insecurity attack. I forget I have any real friends, I figure my boyfriend will cheat on me, I don't think of myself as funny or attractive in any way and I usually also think of myself as a lucky student who doesn't have any brains to be good enough to become an actual tax lawyer.
    All in all sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough in anything. I used to have this with swimming to. Most days I would rock at finals, but sometimes I would just be crushed by opponents I would think that were too strong for me.

    Worst part is.... during these days / hours / weeks I just become a very annoying and exhausting person. I get irritated by anything and I can't take a joke because I take every tiniest offence serious. It's a very very bad situation for my relationship...

    I've more or less learned to recognize when these feelings come up. I control it by giving myself advise which I would give to my friends. Like don't text 20 times just be a fun person and I manage. Usually this also stops the insecurity.
    Sometimes however I still slip and I become as described above.

    Has anyone on here ever dealt with these kind of "attacks" and gotten over them. How do I make up for it to the people around me who I seem to avoid / ignore or irritate during these times of insecurity.

    Love

    Bart
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jul 29, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    Being gay is drama enough even if things go well with family and friends. If you don't feel like the centre of the universe and the focus of a new religion, like most people, then you're going to be stressed out being gay. If you have some underlying psychological issues, you'll be affected even more. It might be time to talk to the Employee Assistance Program people at work, or at your parent's workplace if their coverage includes YOU, you special person.
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    Jul 29, 2011 2:38 AM GMT
    Sounds like you are describing a pretty classic scenario of highs and lows. We all have them, but do you think you have them worse than other people or more often?

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    Jul 29, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    I don't think it has anything to do with me being gay.... I don't really feel that it's much of a drama to me.

    Highs and lows could be it, but they certainly feel pretty extreme in that case and more extreme than other people have them yes.
  • timmytwister

    Posts: 169

    Jul 29, 2011 5:23 AM GMT
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mood_disorder
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    Jul 29, 2011 5:23 AM GMT
    I am convinced that guys have their own "times of the month", somewhat similar to women. It's not as extreme or physical, but I do think our body's hormones get a little off-kilter at a consistent moment each month.

    I started noticing myself going through periods of self doubt, moodiness and irritability around the last week of a month, or the very beginning of a month. So basically, around the same two-week timeframe on a calendar. Like you, I catch myself now in these modes and have become very successful at overcoming them just by looking for reasons to smile and be cheerful.

    Yours sound a bit more extreme than mine so it would be very wise to be in the consistent practice of identifying the moments and finding successful strategies to overcome them.

    Good luck!
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    Jul 29, 2011 6:04 AM GMT
    EastCoastNAZ saidI am convinced that guys have their own "times of the month", somewhat similar to women. It's not as extreme or physical, but I do think our body's hormones get a little off-kilter at a consistent moment each month.

    I started noticing myself going through periods of self doubt, moodiness and irritability around the last week of a month, or the very beginning of a month. So basically, around the same two-week timeframe on a calendar. Like you, I catch myself now in these modes and have become very successful at overcoming them just by looking for reasons to smile and be cheerful.

    Yours sound a bit more extreme than mine so it would be very wise to be in the consistent practice of identifying the moments and finding successful strategies to overcome them.

    Good luck!


    Thanks... I feel this is a good reply with which I can do something.

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    Jul 29, 2011 11:01 AM GMT
    I think everyone has these thoughts and feelings at some point. It's up to you how much you allow them to control you,
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    Aug 01, 2011 7:56 PM GMT
    I can relate because I too have "attacks" when I feel extremely inadequate in many aspects of my life. Sometimes the attacks are stronger and other times I'm able to let them pass without giving them too much thought. The problems start when you start thinking about them too much. In my own situation that is my problem---I let them make me think that my insecurities are running my life and they shouldn't be.

    Sometimes I say an affirmation and it helps. "I am (insert your name here), a happy and self-loving man, perfect and honorable as I am."
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Aug 01, 2011 8:13 PM GMT
    I have these kind of insecurity attacks as well. I'm in a similar situation (minus the boyfriend) and have a lot going for me, but sometimes I get super down on myself.

    What helps me is to kind of distract myself. I watch some TV, read a book, or call up a friend to get my mind off it, do some kind of hobby or activity to distract myself. I really like doing menial tasks- dishwashing, cooking, gardening, in which I have a measure of control and success, and seeing cleaned stacks of dishes, laundry, food made from scratch and a neat and tidy garden helps me feel a bit better about myself.

    I am guessing you are a bit of a perfectionist as well. It is important to realize that there will usually be people smarter, stronger, prettier, younger, wiser, and more talented than you in some respect, but to be happy with the successes you have accomplished. I keep a log of the things that I am proud of mentally, so when I feeling at my lowest, I have a preset list of accomplishments to buoy me back up to the surface.
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    Aug 03, 2011 11:44 AM GMT
    I used to have similar attacks as well. In retrospect, here are my initial thoughts:

    1. Your feelings do not dictate what is true or right. They come and go. Wax and wane. Just own them and recognize them. If they're not constructive emotions, then let them go. We often give way too much credence to finicky emotion/feelings.
    2. Affirm what you know to be true. For me, this is where my faith in God played/plays a significant role in establishing for me what is "true" in my life, for it is because of God that I have my intrinsic value and dignity. Out of that flows many fundamental principles and values. Knowing and affirming those is very comforting, esp. the many promises of God (Jer. 29:11).
    3. Get accountability and support from like-minded folk who understand the importance of and can remind you of #1 and #2 when you are caught up in the mood swings.

    Over time, those feelings will dissipate as #2 becomes more and more the foundation of how you live your life. In the meantime, warn those around you that you get this way, and ask for forgiveness beforehand ;-) Prep them for it. And let them know you're working through something so they don't take it personally. You don't want to ruin any good friendships just because you're having a "bad feeling day". And if they're willing, have them help you work on some solutions that will work for you both for the sake of the relationships.
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    Sep 16, 2011 11:02 AM GMT
    Whenever you think that you are just "faking it" in life, that you really aren't up to the challenges that you face remember this: we are all faking, we just get better at it with age.

    OP, this is TOTALLY NORMAL. I have battled this my entire life and I have discovered that it is a byproduct of being ambitious and high functioning. When you continue to strive higher and higher, the difficult increases and your selfdoubt with it.

    I liked the post that suggested that you distract yourself, but I would like to take that a step further. I would suggest you find a way to help others. Volunteer for some organization that touches your heart. Find someone in need.

    Often, these feelings of being overwhelmed or unthankful or incapable of meeting your challenges/demands are all a loss of perspective. Focusing on helping others in need helps you to take your focus OFF OF YOU and put it on someone ELSE. It is a "reboot" of the soul.

    I find this always works. When I am down, if one of my friends is in need of help around their house, or just a shoulder to cry on it always provides me distance from my life and circumstances so that my brain can look at my problems afresh and in perspective when I am done.

    Good luck... dont worry about this too much..... i think it is normal.
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    Sep 16, 2011 5:13 PM GMT
    personally i suffer from this alot...
    was coming out the right thing to do?
    does my family still love me, my kids?
    does the BF love me ?
    Do other gay men find me hot?
    does the biz community (where i live) know, and do they really care?

    sometimes its enough to make me really crazed... but i take a deep breath and try to relax... I cant change the past, only the future....
    oh, and BTW... im hugely affected by a full moon....
    must be the hair factor.....
    AAAWWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    Seems like u have a far less extreme version of whatever Natalie portman had in black swan
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    Sep 16, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    Do you ever feel like crying when you start to feel this insecurity?

    How do you feel in terms of energy, motivation, and sleeping habits?

    How long do these episodes last on average? A few hours? Days? Weeks?

    Again, in terms of energy, motivation, and sleeping habits, how do you feel when you're not having one of these episodes?


    Need a little more information. You sound a lot like me, though.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 16, 2011 5:31 PM GMT
    I suggest you speak with a professional, a therapist or psychiatrist. If you are generally an upbeat person, then maybe something is up with your brain chemistry. You might need to be treated for depression, or you're possibly bipolar, etc. I would just get a professional evaluation. Maybe some talk therapy is sufficient, but given the way you describe these moods, it sounds as if they sort of come out of nowhere. That might be chemical, something you have no control over. It took me a long time to try the anti-depressant route, but it really has evened out my moods, and I'm not down as often as I used to be, at least for relatively minor reasons or triggers.