Just a few points of order since you're new at the gay thing. This is actually on page ten of the orientation manual in your welcome gift bag:
1. Every tenth post must be about the guy above you.
2. You must feign delight in shopping
3. The Holy Trinity of gay music must be prominently featured on your iPod. Uh, that's Bette, Cher and Madonna, in case you're skipping page six of your manual. If you were younger I'd replace Bette with Gaga. If you were older I'd replace Madonna with Barbra.
4. The gift bag must not be used in lieu of a leather carry-all with a shoulder strap during outings. It may be used for taking donations during your AIDS 5k walk.
5. Closeted men must keep a close friend in their presence; this friend must know all of your intimate secrets and ask inappropriately loud questions as you enter a quiet establishment.
6. Begin memorizing the words to all episodes of Absolutely Fabulous. At any moment you must be able to blurt out some incoherent Patsy blather as you light a fag.
7. Judge others, from afar. Do not look at them as you judge them. Merely gesture in their direction with a wrist flourish.
8. Begin your journey by finding the loneliest fat girl. This girl must hover near you at all times. At one point in your relationship you must fuck her, if only to shut her up about whether or not you'd be a good shag. Get a restraining order when she starts leaving animal carcasses on your door stop.
9. Mostly work as a waiter. Other acceptable professions are, in no particular order: flight attendant, stylist, house-sitter, go-go boy.
10. Seek the services of a therapist. They will help you feel marginally good about yourself as you navigate through points one through nine.