I'm thinking of coming out to my brother...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2011 7:57 PM GMT
    So, here's my situation right now. I'm currently living with my parents and my brother and we're a very close family and my bro and I have lots of mutual friends together, which is great but when I want to go on date or meet someone can be pretty hard since we both pretty much have same friends.

    So it has come to the point where its getting pretty frustrated to go meet someone or meet one of my gay friends when we go out for a drink, cuz I don't want to be lying to my brother since we're like friends but idk how to exactly come out and tell him and how to start that convo with him

    I'm the older brother and hes about year and half years younger. Do you guys have any suggestions or personal experiences of coming out to your siblings? or How I can come out without making things weird between us
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    Aug 01, 2011 12:03 AM GMT
    Have you ever had a conversation about gay people in general to get an understanding of how he feels? Maybe that is the place to start and then evaluate his responses and have another conversation later. I'm all for people coming out and don't think people should stay in the closet any longer than they have to, but I am also all for people not being thrown out their homes. In your case, however, I think you need to seriously get the process rolling since you have so many mutual friends because it is better for him to hear it from you than from someone else.
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    Aug 01, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    I'm kind of in the same boat as you.

    I have a twin brother and we have the same group of friends. The only difference is that he's gay too. He came out to me a few months ago, but for some reason I find it so hard to come out to him.

    arnorian said

    So it has come to the point where its getting pretty frustrated to go meet someone or meet one of my gay friends when we go out for a drink, cuz I don't want to be lying to my brother since we're like friends but idk how to exactly come out and tell him and how to start that convo with him



    ^ this is the same reason that I've been thinking about coming out to him.

    If I do it before you, I'll let you know how it goes icon_biggrin.gif

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    Aug 01, 2011 3:46 AM GMT
    Iceblink saidHave you ever had a conversation about gay people in general to get an understanding of how he feels? Maybe that is the place to start and then evaluate his responses and have another conversation later. I'm all for people coming out and don't think people should stay in the closet any longer than they have to, but I am also all for people not being thrown out their homes. In your case, however, I think you need to seriously get the process rolling since you have so many mutual friends because it is better for him to hear it from you than from someone else.



    i have and he normally doesn't care about gay marriage and all that (as in he's for gay marriage and to him its no big deal if two guys or girls get married)...now we both joke around and all that about gay stuff so i think he will be ok....but the only thing im not sure of is if i come out to him (whether he accepts it or not) is whether he tells my parents or not and idk about their reaction and how they would react
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    Aug 01, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    Mine already knew.. they were just waiting for me to say it.
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    Aug 01, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    20 years later, my brother still doesn't like my gayness.

    Oh well, fuck him. The rest of the family already hates him and has nothing to do with him anyway...even his own son. icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 01, 2011 3:53 AM GMT
    Do it. As close as you two seem, he will love you regardless. I was in the exact same boat as you. I live at home with my parents and brother. He is 2 years younger. We have the same mutual friends for the most part, but I have the gays on the side lol. Well a month or so ago I threw this huge party....literally over 100 people there so I invited my boys and thought nothing of it. Well, I got hammered like everyone else and ended up laying my head on Josh's shoulder at one point. Well, my brother, 2 of my cousins and some straight friends were standing right behind me. I had no idea what happened until Kyle came up, turned me around, and said "I love you Tyler no matter what. Why couldn't you tell me?" I felt like a dick because he was kinda insulted that I didn't just tell him. Then my cousins and friends all hugged me and ever since then we have been much closer.


    Now for us, it is scary. What if they don't see it the way we want them to? I could never stand losing my brother to something like this, and neither could you. But he is family and he loves you. And you could be missing out on a great open relationship with him by keeping him in the dark. Since I have come out Kyle has been so much cooler and my cousins all call and want to hang out a lot more. The thing is: they knew the whole time. They just wanted to see it first hand. Thanks to Jack Daniels and some ridiculous hooch, they did. Now I just wish I would have told them before hand. They deserved it.


    Do it man, your family members are your best friends. If you cannot be yourself around them, you won't ever feel accepted by them.
  • rebelbeard

    Posts: 558

    Aug 01, 2011 3:54 AM GMT
    Myk17 saidI'm kind of in the same boat as you.

    I have a twin brother and we have the same group of friends. The only difference is that he's gay too. He came out to me a few months ago, but for some reason I find it so hard to come out to him.

    arnorian said

    So it has come to the point where its getting pretty frustrated to go meet someone or meet one of my gay friends when we go out for a drink, cuz I don't want to be lying to my brother since we're like friends but idk how to exactly come out and tell him and how to start that convo with him



    ^ this is the same reason that I've been thinking about coming out to him.

    If I do it before you, I'll let you know how it goes icon_biggrin.gif



    I have a feeling he already knows. He is your twin, and gay as well! There will be no shock on his face when you say it.

    To the OP, you just have to do it. You just have to tell him flat out you are gay. That is what I did with my siblings. My twin sister had the best response. When we were 15 I told her I was gay she told me she wasn't a virgin anymore. Bitch one upped me lol!

    My entire family loves me anyway and they wouldn't have me any other way!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 01, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    You're 27. It's time to come out.
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    Trocks797 saidDo it. As close as you two seem, he will love you regardless. I was in the exact same boat as you. I live at home with my parents and brother. He is 2 years younger. We have the same mutual friends for the most part, but I have the gays on the side lol. Well a month or so ago I threw this huge party....literally over 100 people there so I invited my boys and thought nothing of it. Well, I got hammered like everyone else and ended up laying my head on Josh's shoulder at one point. Well, my brother, 2 of my cousins and some straight friends were standing right behind me. I had no idea what happened until Kyle came up, turned me around, and said "I love you Tyler no matter what. Why couldn't you tell me?" I felt like a dick because he was kinda insulted that I didn't just tell him. Then my cousins and friends all hugged me and ever since then we have been much closer.


    Now for us, it is scary. What if they don't see it the way we want them to? I could never stand losing my brother to something like this, and neither could you. But he is family and he loves you. And you could be missing out on a great open relationship with him by keeping him in the dark. Since I have come out Kyle has been so much cooler and my cousins all call and want to hang out a lot more. The thing is: they knew the whole time. They just wanted to see it first hand. Thanks to Jack Daniels and some ridiculous hooch, they did. Now I just wish I would have told them before hand. They deserved it.


    Do it man, your family members are your best friends. If you cannot be yourself around them, you won't ever feel accepted by them.



    Thanks for the advice. Yea i at this point really want to since its getting pretty ridiculous in terms of sneaking out and making excuses to go out on my own. especially last night i went to chill with my gay friend in castro for drinks and next day my bro got hella mad at me for not inviting him since we always chill together


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    Aug 01, 2011 4:16 AM GMT
    EricLA saidYou're 27. It's time to come out.


    There is no 'one age fits all' standard for this. I have a gay friend who didn't even know he liked boys until he was 32.

    My brother was the first person in my family I came out as bi too. I is very very very straight and a little homophobic, so his supportive response surprised me. He even insisted on me and my sisters being there when I decide to tell my parents so as, in his words, "to let them know we'll support you even if they don't."

    So the point being, if you're really close to your brother -- as I am to mine -- hopefully love will trump any negative feelings.

    Now my favorite sister's reaction on the other hand...ugh...
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:19 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    EricLA saidYou're 27. It's time to come out.


    There is no 'one age fits all' standard for this. I have a gay friend who didn't even know he liked boys until he was 32.

    My brother was the first person in my family I came out as bi too. I is very very very straight and a little homophobic, so his supportive response surprised me. He even insisted on me and my sisters being there when I decide to tell my parents so as, in his words, "to let them know we'll support you even if they don't."

    So the point being, if you're really close to your brother -- as I am to mine -- hopefully love will trump any negative feelings.

    Now my favorite sister's reaction on the other hand...ugh...



    About this...you might be bi, which is fine. But at first I would break the ice to friends by telling them I was bi- not gay...which is what I really am. Telling them you are bi is kinda a lie, but at least they know you like dick....then eventually they just figure you prefer dick, but you never had to use the words "I'm gay." What do you think? Easier to break the tension with being bi, or go for the gold?
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:21 AM GMT
    I agree, I think you're contemplating the right thing. Telling him will put you one step closer to complete freedom. My guess is that he probably already has a feeling about it but just doesn't want to say. Opening up with him and having someone to talk to will make it easier to some day come out to your parents too. He'll be your ally when that day comes.

    Tell him that you'd really like him NOT to say anything to your parents. It sounds like the relationship between the two of you is strong enough that he won't want to jeopardize it.

    Good luck! It's the right thing to do. Let us know when you do it how it goes.
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    EricLA saidYou're 27. It's time to come out.


    There is no 'one age fits all' standard for this. I have a gay friend who didn't even know he liked boys until he was 32.

    My brother was the first person in my family I came out as bi too. I is very very very straight and a little homophobic, so his supportive response surprised me. He even insisted on me and my sisters being there when I decide to tell my parents so as, in his words, "to let them know we'll support you even if they don't."

    So the point being, if you're really close to your brother -- as I am to mine -- hopefully love will trump any negative feelings.

    Now my favorite sister's reaction on the other hand...ugh...



    Thanks you...yea i mean i know people who just said fuck it and came out at 18 and never looked back and others not till 30s....it also depends on your family/personal situation and other factors so its kinda hard to just put an age limit to it....although it is hard to hide it the longer the time goes
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:28 AM GMT
    Although I'm much older than the OP, I recently came out to my 4 brothers. Well, let just say that I'm down by 2. It's hard to think that they are not supportive or even communicate anymore but they have to deal with it. I can only do so much and now it's just a matter of me trying to adjust to not having them in my life.
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidAlthough I'm much older than the OP, I recently came out to my 4 brothers. Well, let just say that I'm down by 2. It's hard to think that they are not supportive or even communicate anymore but they have to deal with it. I can only do so much and now it's just a matter of me trying to adjust to not having them in my life.


    I am very sorry to hear this. Just know they will miss you too even though they probably wont admit it. Hopefully time will guide them back to you, as they realize what a foolish mistake they made.
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidAlthough I'm much older than the OP, I recently came out to my 4 brothers. Well, let just say that I'm down by 2. It's hard to think that they are not supportive or even communicate anymore but they have to deal with it. I can only do so much and now it's just a matter of me trying to adjust to not having them in my life.


    That's so unfortunate for them, and you. I hope that they come around for you.

    I was very fortunate with my brother. He's a very open, artistic person and took it as a non-event. He took pictures at my wedding.

  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    Aug 01, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    Coming out to my sister was among the most diffucult of people for me to come out to. I actually did it on facebook via chat because it would have been WAY too awkward in person......I just kind of asked her if she noticed that I never EVER had girlfriends and then told her there was a REASON why that was.....and went from there
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    No need for a torturous run-up. Just say, "I'm gay."
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:02 AM GMT
    ChilaxinJOCK09 saidComing out to my sister was among the most diffucult of people for me to come out to. I actually did it on facebook via chat because it would have been WAY too awkward in person......I just kind of asked her if she noticed that I never EVER had girlfriends and then told her there was a REASON why that was.....and went from there



    well my brother refuses to join facebook . lol but does have gmail...yea but def convenient that we live together so that could be either a good thing or could make things awkward later
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:05 AM GMT
    Trocks797 saidAbout this...you might be bi, which is fine. But at first I would break the ice to friends by telling them I was bi- not gay...which is what I really am.


    FAIL
    This is an all-or-nothing deal. Once you've told less than the whole truth once, who's gonna believe it when you say "this is how it really is"? People will be like, "One month he's straight as far as we know, the next he's telling us he plays both ways, the next he's gay. What's after that? Wanting a sex change?"

    As for close siblings and anyone who's been in your life for a long time, "ditto" to everybody else who's reported that these kinds of persons have known all along when they've been told. Homophobia being what it is, most people hold back from asking The Big Question. They have no way of knowing whether you're comfortable enough with it to want them to go there. Even though they themselves may be totally cool with the concept (or at least enough to say you're "one of the good ones") they don't want to run the risk of asking somebody who's not ready to tell.

    Outing oneself is a big step to take, and not an easy one, but I'm with the chorus that's saying "DO IT." Every other challenge in life works the same way - once you've tackled it, it's done no matter what the result. You can move on with stuff and not have it hanging over your head.
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:09 AM GMT
    I was actually wondering the same thing. My sibling is my twin also but we don't have the same circle of friends. We are to very different people but we respect eachother to no end, but I know how he feels about gays and it ain't good. So I really don't exactly know how I would do it.

    In all honesty I think the main reason I am not out to anybody is because I can't seem to come out to my twin.
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    The anticipation and anxiety of coming out is worse than the actual thing. It is your news, you choose who, when, where, why, and how to tell whomever you choose to honor with the information. Make it as comfortable and easy or private for yourself as you need. Only you know what makes you "comfortable"...so use this information as part of your plan....When I came out, I was 37, told my sister first.....it was anti-climactic...she knew already. 2nd was my brother....a minister......he knew too and was OK.......told my mom, next......she knew too!.....wish they had told me! would have saved me lots of $$$ on therapy and anxiety.......do it!......they will handle it in their own way and it is not yours to control them.icon_cool.gif
    GOOD LUCK!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 01, 2011 5:42 AM GMT
    Dude...How could you tellin someone you truly love that you're gay make things weird?????...Love is stronger than fear...tell him...To be honest the situation could make you closer because you're sharing an intimate side of yourself...Much Luck....BUD
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Aug 01, 2011 5:57 AM GMT
    Your brother probably already knows that you're gay and he's just being polite and waiting for you to say something to him about it before he says anything to you.