Advice Please.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    Advice please.

    Man twice my age on Grindr sends me many messages saying things like "Hey hottie" persistently, even if I don't reply to three in a row over a period of weeks. Asks to meet up for a wine date. Haven't had any other substantial conversation. I am eager to gain experience being gay, but my internal voice says danger. I don't know whether my internal voice is correct or my desire for personal development is correct. I have no gay mentor and nothing to calibrate my safety instinct against.

    A) Agree to meet in a public place. Risk being very uncomfortable. Could gain personal development.

    B) Politely decline. Risk not advancing my personal development. Could save myself an unpleasant or dangerous experience.

    C) Ignore or "other."

    I would like to hear what some older people have to say. Thanks a lot guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    I think meeting a guy for a wine date or a coffee date is an acceptable amount of risk you can take in order to gain personal development. There have been 2 guys I've come across who were pretty persistent with me (and was a little bit creepy) and they ended up being really good guys and wonderful boyfriends.

    On the other hand, this guy is twice your age, so this is where my concern is. Ask yourself if this is acceptable for you. For me, dating a guy twice my age is not something I am into.

    There is also nothing wrong with just finding out who he is in a public place. People most of the time mind their own business and no one really cares if you're on a "date" with another guy.

    You may actually be quite surprised when you give someone a chance.

    But again if you're not into someone twice your age or just don't feel ready yet, just ignore and wait for the right opportunity. There's nothing wrong with waiting, and trust me, many opportunities come to athletic guys.

    james47 saidAdvice please.

    Man twice my age on Grindr sends me many messages saying things like "Hey hottie" persistently, even if I don't reply to three in a row over a period of weeks. Asks to meet up for a wine date. Haven't had any other substantial conversation. I am eager to gain experience being gay, but my internal voice says danger. I don't know whether my internal voice is correct or my desire for personal development is correct. I have no gay mentor and nothing to calibrate my safety instinct against.

    A) Agree to meet in a public place. Risk being very uncomfortable. Could gain personal development.

    B) Politely decline. Risk not advancing my personal development. Could save myself an unpleasant or dangerous experience.

    C) Ignore or "other."

    I would like to hear what some older people have to say. Thanks a lot guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 31, 2011 11:33 PM GMT
    Definitely C.

    Just everything seems off - why is someone pursuing you if they've never met you? That's just creepy to me.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 01, 2011 12:13 AM GMT
    just because you're new at being gay doesn't mean you have to settle. if you were into this guy you would have said hello the first time. if he can't take the hing that's his problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    If you are new to the whole being gay thing, I'd say grinder is not the best forum for meeting other gay men. It's mostly used for flings and hookups. Pretty creepy if you ask me. You should earnestly look for guys your own age and with similar life experiences. It takes time to become comfortable in this new world, but you'll like yourself better in the morning. Real Jock is a start. There are plenty of genuine nice guys around here that rank very low on the creep factor.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Aug 01, 2011 12:29 AM GMT
    At your age, you age not exactly in Methuselah territory with someone twice your age.

    Meet him if you want to, but to dhe public routine, give him no information about your address or whatever and make clear to him that you will decide on further involvement later. Simply tell him you need space to figure it out. If he pushes, then leave.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 12:37 AM GMT
    Say no nicely, then ignore, get off grinder and get comfortable in your skin before you go out meeting other guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone. Your responses agree with my gut feeling so that's what I'll do.

    On the whole Grindr has been all right; most people are nice and I never misrepresent myself. I live in a small town right now and it actually cheered me up quite a bit just to see that there are others around me and have little discreet conversations with them.

    I'm going to San Francisco in a few weeks so things are looking up. Anyone want to say hi or give a tour?
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 01, 2011 5:16 AM GMT
    Ignore....he's probably a troll...wait for a guy more your type....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:18 AM GMT
    Remind him of his prehistoric roots... why do dinosaurs always creep on younger guys?!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    You are eager to gain experience.. but wouldnt you prefer gaining that when you feel safe?
  • BigBearBB02

    Posts: 24

    Aug 01, 2011 5:36 AM GMT
    If you like him? Go to a public place were people know you and introduce him to them. That's kinda what I do with a date I'm not to comfortable with. Once I feel I'm with someone sane and harmless, them I get a little closer with him and arrange a second date. Having friends around in the back ground make for a more secure environment. Don't let fear dictate your life, but still be careful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 5:38 AM GMT
    Just do what I do. Don't reply and click the block button. I have had bad experiences so I know from personal experience. Just block the person.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 01, 2011 5:43 AM GMT
    Given that you've never responded to him, his persistence seems stalker-ish. It would be one thing if you acknowledged him. But, since that's not the case, I think it's right that you are cautious. So, why haven't you blocked him on Grindr? If you're open or attracted to older guys, then meeting for a date in a neutral location with plenty of people around would be okay under most circumstances. But if you're meeting him only because you're anxious for some gay interaction and he's the only one showing interest is NOT a good idea. You're a good-looking guy. If you feel he's creepy, block him. Wait for someone you're more legitimately interested in.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 01, 2011 5:45 AM GMT
    GreenHopper saidYou are eager to gain experience.. but wouldnt you prefer gaining that when you feel safe?


    Side note, I sure would like to experience GreenHopper's abs. (Let's see if he thinks if I'm being creepy or not...)
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Aug 01, 2011 6:01 AM GMT
    Perhaps you would feel safer meeting with the 22 year old who turns out to be an Ax Murderer? icon_rolleyes.gif My point is that you are trying to meet people via a venue like Grindr which, regardless of the age of the person, comes with a bit of uncertainty. There are no guarantees of "Gaining Personal Development", having "A Pleasant Experience", or even your "Personal Safety" whether the guy is 18 or 40. That's not to say you can't meet perfectly acceptable, normal, even quality people on GRINDR -- I mean, I assume YOU are all those things and you're on Grindr. Lastly, the guy didn't ask you to marry him...he didn't even ask you to hookup for sex...he invited you to "a wine date". Especially if this is in a public place, it seems pretty harmless. If you end up having no chemistry with the guy ( "no chemistry" comes in all ages by the way), then have a glass of wine and tell him you need to get going. Who knows, maybe the night will include some interesting conversation, and you might even meet a new friend (they come in all ages too)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 6:15 AM GMT
    Just listen to your "internal voice" and don't meet this guy please. I would never meet up with someone if I feel any sort of uneasiness about the whole thing. Sure, you could say that you will feel that way for all your first time meetups but have you even had any proper conversations with this man?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 6:48 AM GMT
    "Hey hottie" followed by persistence in the face of no reply sends out all kinds of bad signals. Right from the start he's set the tone, though NO ONE would deny you're easy on the eyes. He sounds to me like a shark who's only more stirred up now that he can smell blood - fresh, young, eager blood - in the water. My advice is to go with option C.

    On the gay side of the tracks, so many men evolve into trolls as they age that it's not even funny. Way back in the day when I was qualified by my years to be in a gay youth group, I once got major attitude from the "older leadership" after I'd hit it off with an 18-year-old newbie and got him in bed. Neither of us saw the hookup as anything more than that, though we enjoyed a repeat performance, and we were both back to playing the field in no time. But this did NOT sit well with the higher-up's (20's to 40's.) When I wondered aloud why I was getting the cold silent treatment, a friend in the group said, "You should've known better. 'Jim,' 'Tyrone,' and 'Roger' ALWAYS get first crack at the new guys." icon_rolleyes.gif
    Much more recently, a gay collegian sought me out for info about a local sports group and we wound up becoming e-pals. We got so that we'd exchange messages which qualified as "TL;DR" like this post is becoming. icon_rolleyes.gif But he always was hesitant when I'd broach the subject of meeting in person, and we never did have face time. We knew exactly how to make each other laugh, he ate up advice I had to offer (and he had the sense of safety to seek), and none of that mattered. What could've been an enduring and rewarding friendship was derailed because, "In my experience, every older gay man has turned out to be a predator. Every one of them. I can't get past that. I'm so sorry." icon_cry.gif

    This is why I feel the need to emphasize in my profile why exactly it is that somebody might end up on my Hotlist. The inevitable and all too understandable reaction of just about anyone yet to see 30-35 is, "Oh please, another one out to be my daddy." I enjoy a good social life with straight adults of all ages, but gay companionship is strictly among peers. What's natural is to find what you have in common with another person and go from there. They shouldn't be judged on their appearance or age in the very beginning, with anything blocked from happening if standards aren't met, OR to have all the stops pulled out in pursuing them if they're young and hot. But that's life in the big gay city.

    So yeah, go with Option C. No doubt about it. I apologize on behalf of yet another gay man who can't grasp the concept of seeing someone owning fewer years as anything more than a notch on the bedpost to brag about to his troll friends. The would-be wine sipper has put that shallowness right out there. Show him the door, or in this case the "Ignore."
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Aug 01, 2011 7:28 AM GMT
    You should know the answer to it!
    Are you interested in Older?

    lf not just delete and carry on with your life as no love lost?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 8:37 AM GMT
    C) Ignore him.

    You don't need to rush into experience. I'd rather choose to have few but very good experience instead of a lot but bad ones. If I were you, I'd wait until I'm in San Francisco and look out for cute/sexy guys ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 2:36 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    stevenv saidC) Ignore him.

    You don't need to rush into experience. I'd rather choose to have few but very good experience instead of a lot but bad ones. If I were you, I'd wait until I'm in San Francisco and look out for cute/sexy guys ;)

    Ughh...if ever there was a place to "look but don't touch", I would say it would be San Fransisco. Check out the prevalence of various STDs there...the risks are huge and unless you're going to be there for some time (so you can get to know guys really well) I'd keep it in your pants.


    Thanks for that link... I'm going there to look for work as a web programmer and to see some interesting tech startups so I'll probably be there for a while. Will exercise caution haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2011 4:59 PM GMT
    Go with your gut and pass on the date. Don't over think it. First instincts are generally correct.