Former teacher/mentor contacting me, what should I do?


  • Aug 02, 2011 7:20 AM GMT
    Ok, so here is the story. For four years I went to a performing arts high school and was mentored by a great teacher. For many years I considered him like a second father, and his opinions and advice I took to heart more than my own father. Well I graduated six years ago and recently saw my teacher. He has lost a lot of weight and looks really good, hot even. I mentioned this to one of my friends, and even joked that I would tap it, without really being serious. My friend knows this teacher as well, and of course what I said got back to him.

    Well, for the past several months he has been trying to contact me, out of the blue, on Facebook, and then finally tonight on grindr. It's sort of creeped me out a little. We no longer have the relationship we once had, but it weirds me out to think that he was once my teacher. On the other hand, he is looking real good, and if it was any other person, I would pursue a relationship with them. I'm just worried about the inevitable awkwardness if we went on a date. I could just see the conversation: so, uh, yeah...you were like a second father to me...and now we might have sex. I don't know what to do, I'm torn!
  • chompi27

    Posts: 5

    Aug 02, 2011 8:12 AM GMT
    I dont see why the few first minutes should be much of a problem. Obviously to have lots of things in common to talk about and (hoprfully sex will follow naturally). If I were you I'll get over my initial reservations and give it a tryicon_smile.gif
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    Aug 02, 2011 10:34 AM GMT
    It wouldn't hurt to meet him over a drink or something and see how things go. You'll know one way or another if it feels right and then you both can move on choose to go further.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2603

    Aug 02, 2011 10:50 AM GMT
    I`d advise you to be very careful what you do regarding this guy.Don`t rush in with strong emotions and expectations.
    Is he still teaching?Speaking as a tutor in higher education,I wouldn`t see an ex-student on this basis.
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    Aug 02, 2011 10:56 AM GMT
    I'd hit it.
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    Aug 02, 2011 11:00 AM GMT


    Hmmm,


    Of all the potentially nice guys out there, this one seems laden with issues before the off.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 02, 2011 12:23 PM GMT
    i say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.
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    Aug 02, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    areyou kidding me? he's no longer his teacher.... once you are not, personal relationships are allowed
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    Aug 02, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    I would also so say steer clear of this one. At best you guys should have drinks and possibly catchup.

    Does he know that you see him as a second father?
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    Aug 02, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    That, and extremely risky for him. Although it has been a few years since you were his student, if people knew he was your teacher and see you both as a couple, that could raise questions about what sort of a relationship you both had as teacher-student in high school. The way some folks are messed up these days, that can turn into nasty rumors -- especially if he still teaches students and they are not of age.
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    Aug 02, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    areyou kidding me? he's no longer his teacher.... once you are not, personal relationships are allowed


    This.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 02, 2011 6:59 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    areyou kidding me? he's no longer his teacher.... once you are not, personal relationships are allowed


    it's not about whether it's allowed in the profession as much as it creates the appearance of a conflict of interest and looks unprofessional. i know many coworkers who have hooked up with their students, and not one of them has been able to get more than an adjunct job (if that) because of it.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    alcarcalimo2364 saidOk, so here is the story. For four years I went to a performing arts high school and was mentored by a great teacher. For many years I considered him like a second father, and his opinions and advice I took to heart more than my own father. Well I graduated six years ago and recently saw my teacher. He has lost a lot of weight and looks really good, hot even. I mentioned this to one of my friends, and even joked that I would tap it, without really being serious. My friend knows this teacher as well, and of course what I said got back to him.

    Well, for the past several months he has been trying to contact me, out of the blue, on Facebook, and then finally tonight on grindr. It's sort of creeped me out a little. We no longer have the relationship we once had, but it weirds me out to think that he was once my teacher. On the other hand, he is looking real good, and if it was any other person, I would pursue a relationship with them. I'm just worried about the inevitable awkwardness if we went on a date. I could just see the conversation: so, uh, yeah...you were like a second father to me...and now we might have sex. I don't know what to do, I'm torn!


    HOT
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Aug 02, 2011 7:10 PM GMT
    You are a grown man now; an entirely different person than the boy you were then. Don't miss a chance to reconnect with someone important to you, on your own terms of course.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    alcarcalimo2364 saidWell, for the past several months he has been trying to contact me, out of the blue, on Facebook, and then finally tonight on grindr. It's sort of creeped me out a little. We no longer have the relationship we once had, but it weirds me out to think that he was once my teacher. On the other hand, he is looking real good, and if it was any other person, I would pursue a relationship with them. I'm just worried about the inevitable awkwardness if we went on a date. I could just see the conversation: so, uh, yeah...you were like a second father to me...and now we might have sex. I don't know what to do, I'm torn!

    Likely a stalker, and possibly dangerous, certainly weird. Reject him, and if it continues notify the police.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    areyou kidding me? he's no longer his teacher.... once you are not, personal relationships are allowed


    GreenHopper is right, legally. There is no law or professional code prohibiting it. As an adult who has worked with hundreds of youth in a mentor/professional capacity though I would question this guys integrity. It is one thing to meet a former student/mentee and reestablish a new adult relationship (and I mean adult as in both individuals are now adults not adult like porno) and have something develop from there.

    BUT...to have held a position of confidence and trust in a young person's life one in which they looked up to you and confided in you- that to me creates a higher level of accountability. The relationship you have is still based on your interactions when you were a child/youth. It isn't as if you are pursuing him. He is seeking you out, on multiple occasions and in sexual contexts (grindr). That seems creepy to me. You haven't built any new interactions or understanding of each other so what, because you turned 18 and he is no longer your teacher he is like "great now I can sleep with him!"

    I am not saying all relationships between a student and teacher call into question someones motivation and integrity (although I would never date/sleep with anyone I had ever known when they were a youth) but in this context it does for me. Just my opinion.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:17 PM GMT
    carnut said
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    That, and extremely risky for him. Although it has been a few years since you were his student, if people knew he was your teacher and see you both as a couple, that could raise questions about what sort of a relationship you both had as teacher-student in high school. The way some folks are messed up these days, that can turn into nasty rumors -- especially if he still teaches students and they are not of age.


    Why should he give a damn? He's asking for advice about HIS end of it. All the professional considerations are the teacher's.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:24 PM GMT
    JoshTPDX said
    GreenHopper said
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    areyou kidding me? he's no longer his teacher.... once you are not, personal relationships are allowed


    GreenHopper is right, legally. There is no law or professional code prohibiting it. As an adult who has worked with hundreds of youth in a mentor/professional capacity though I would question this guys integrity. It is one thing to meet a former student/mentee and reestablish a new adult relationship (and I mean adult as in both individuals are now adults not adult like porno) and have something develop from there.

    BUT...to have held a position of confidence and trust in a young person's life one in which they looked up to you and confided in you- that to me creates a higher level of accountability. The relationship you have is still based on your interactions when you were a child/youth. It isn't as if you are pursuing him. He is seeking you out, on multiple occasions and in sexual contexts (grindr). That seems creepy to me. You haven't built any new interactions or understanding of each other so what, because you turned 18 and he is no longer your teacher he is like "great now I can sleep with him!"

    I am not saying all relationships between a student and teacher call into question someones motivation and integrity (although I would never date/sleep with anyone I had ever known when they were a youth) but in this context it does for me. Just my opinion.


    Hmmm this is a foreign cultural value to me.... to me it creates no problems whatsoever... if this were the case, I couldnt marry anyone who was an adult when I was a child and got to know as such... it just makes no sense from a non-western cultural point of view to me
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:29 PM GMT
    Are you sure he's not just trying to do that thing where normal teachers say hi to their past pupils....?

    But yea this is a tough one. I'm pretty sure if you left any two gay men on an island they would eventually have sex...
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:31 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    JoshTPDX said
    GreenHopper said
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    areyou kidding me? he's no longer his teacher.... once you are not, personal relationships are allowed


    GreenHopper is right, legally. There is no law or professional code prohibiting it. As an adult who has worked with hundreds of youth in a mentor/professional capacity though I would question this guys integrity. It is one thing to meet a former student/mentee and reestablish a new adult relationship (and I mean adult as in both individuals are now adults not adult like porno) and have something develop from there.

    BUT...to have held a position of confidence and trust in a young person's life one in which they looked up to you and confided in you- that to me creates a higher level of accountability. The relationship you have is still based on your interactions when you were a child/youth. It isn't as if you are pursuing him. He is seeking you out, on multiple occasions and in sexual contexts (grindr). That seems creepy to me. You haven't built any new interactions or understanding of each other so what, because you turned 18 and he is no longer your teacher he is like "great now I can sleep with him!"

    I am not saying all relationships between a student and teacher call into question someones motivation and integrity (although I would never date/sleep with anyone I had ever known when they were a youth) but in this context it does for me. Just my opinion.


    Hmmm this is a foreign cultural value to me.... to me it creates no problems whatsoever... if this were the case, I couldnt marry anyone who was an adult when I was a child and got to know as such... it just makes no sense from a non-western cultural point of view to me


    GreenHopper you bring up a very good and valid point. I do think my reaction is completely rooted in a western/specifically United State cultural viewpoint. My cultural context has been that children and adults are pretty segregated from each other some of it because of fear of sexual predators etc...this may be less true for someone raised say pre 70's US. The only way adults and kids came into contact and developed relationships was based on some form of trusting relationship (family, family friend, neighbor, teacher etc). I was raised to not talk to strangers, tell a trust adult if something bad happens...etc etc. So built into any relationship with an adult was an assumption that they wouldn't hurt you or take advantage of you sexually. For me, this is why I choose not to change that dynamic when a youth I have know becomes an adult. Now if you met someone who was a child when you were an adult but you never met them as a child there is no built in assumption of safety/protection and it bothers me less. Also in cultures where adults and children frequently mix and interact in casual way this might not be so strong a point. It would be harder to draw the distinction because you would have met and interacted with lots and lots of adults.

    Thanks for pointing out my cultural assumption.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:32 PM GMT
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    ex student. the OP is an ex student. There may be age difference issues and an asymmetrical power issue to work through, but there is nothing inherently wrong with dating an ex student, unless he´s just preying on you for sex, which would be creepy.

    If you want to I´d meet him for coffee and play it very slowly. Restart as friends. If friends works then maybe more would work. I wouldn´t myself hook up with someone in this scenario.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    Dear Gay Penthouse Forum...:
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 02, 2011 7:47 PM GMT
    I had my piano teacher when I was 8 years old hit on me on FB. He's married and has adult daughters and small grandchildren.
    I was shocked and stunned .... and when I didn't want it, he blocked me.
    I certainly didn't appreciate it.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:51 PM GMT
    calibro saidi say no, and as a teacher, i think it's incredibly unprofessional of him.


    Spot on.
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    Aug 02, 2011 7:57 PM GMT
    I know of a teacher at my high school that dated (or still dating, I'm not sure if they are still together or not) a student after he had graduated. She eventually left, and got another teaching job elsewhere so..

    I guess technically you COULD go out with him once..but with the teacher and former student relationship that I've heard about..news is going to spread and it's going to be looked down upon by coworkers and family. And as a future teacher, I think it would look rather bad..