Why is it so easy for everyone else to find someone?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2007 2:20 AM GMT
    I envy those of you that have so much experience under your belts. I've never dated and never had sex. I just came out Freshman year in College, and I will be a Senior this upcoming Fall semester, making me 21. Granted I used to be 400 lbs., I thought that was the problem. Since then, I've lost almost 200 lbs., so what the hell?

    I tend to be a very NICE and RESERVED kinna guy; maybe that's my problem? I act very masculine, but deep down inside, I am just as gay as the next person. Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only gay person in the world...LoL.

    Anybody else have this problem?
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    Jul 06, 2007 4:27 AM GMT
    yuhu. I dont know how the guys are in BC, but they are not really my type out in CMU. Dating outside CMU was sort of a bust also. But I guess I havn't tried very hard.
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    Jul 06, 2007 10:13 AM GMT
    You'll need to drop the shy and reserved part of your character if you want to meet someone. Timid and meek doesn't work. Been there, done that.

    I'm not saying become some aggressive monster out there, just start coming out of your shell and making the first move.

    It is hard, I know. For years you were probably able to hide behind your weight, but man...look what you've accomplished! 200 pounds is something you should be proud of and something you should show off.



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    Jul 06, 2007 11:00 AM GMT
    Give it time. Your still young. Enjoy yourself. As you develop your sense of self confidence, you'll see things will change. Don't rush it, but don't sit back and wait for it to change, it requires action on your part for the change to happen. If you feel alone, realize that there are plenty of other guys who feel the same way and most of us get over it.
    I'm still really shy but not reserved when I'm with people I'm comfortable with. If I'm with a lot of strangers, I tend to be a wallflower. It hasn't kept me from getting to know people. Really good friendships and relationships grow slowly over time. There's nothing wrong with being reserved as long as your not using that as a cover for fear. Live your life.
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    Jul 06, 2007 1:20 PM GMT
    well, if you have a facebook on it and it doesn't say "Interested in Men," you're going to just have to do things the hard way. But, coming from a college student, I would say don't be the gay guy that doesn't have "interested in" on his facebook. It's annoying and it will ultimately make your life harder.
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    Jul 06, 2007 2:04 PM GMT
    The comment that struck me was "I act very masculine, but deep down inside, I am just as gay as the next person."

    Gay people come in all flavors - from incredibly masculine to irrepressively feminine.

    It sounds to me like you're not letting people see the real you. If you can drop the act and trust that who you really are will appeal to people you like, I think you'll do better.

    And congrats on losing the 200# - for the sake of your health, if nothing else. It tells me that you can do anything you set your mind to doing. That's a good quality.

    Hang in there.

    J.
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    Jul 06, 2007 2:08 PM GMT
    Agree with PSstudJoey. Don't act. Be you. Stay away from actors unless they're on the big screen.
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    Jul 06, 2007 2:10 PM GMT
    Good advice guys...thank a lot. From the things I've gathered I should:

    1. Give it some time.
    2. Stop being shy and reserved; don't be afraid to make the first move.
    3. Be myself.
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    Jul 09, 2007 2:05 AM GMT
    Good pickup. (And refreshing to see someone asking for advice actually paying attention to what is said. So kudos for that as well as taking control of your weight.)

    Regarding #1, I'm guessing half the people on here weren't even out at 21 (regardless of whether they'd had sex). So just think how much further ahead you are than many of us.

    To be blunt (which is rare for me, so let me clarify that I don't mean to offend), you haven't really found yourself yet - how can you expect that someone else will find you?

    As we say in football, keep your shoulders square to the line of scrimmage and your legs moving. Which is to say, don't give up. If you keep doing good things and going in the right direction, good things will happen.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Jul 09, 2007 11:51 PM GMT
    I was out at 15, only had sex once, and have only had 1 real relationship.

    Dont push yourself to find someone. A relationship made just because two people are lonely wont help... unless you both understand that thats what it is. Find someone who is truly intruiging to you and THEN worry about making a move.

    Oh and sometimes being reserved will help.
    I've been beating guys back with sticks for the last couple of weeks.... which is not to say Im anything special.... They just seem to like the chase, because I make it blatantly obvious that Im not interested in anyone ( which isnt to say that if the right person came along I would deny them )
    Just be yourself, if you're interested in someone, invite them to hang out as friends, pretend your'e not interested in anything more, and you'll be able to figure out if they're interested in you or not.

    Best of luck to you
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    Jul 10, 2007 12:43 AM GMT
    When you are least expecting it. When you are not looking. When you are just minding your own business. This is when you will meet someone.

    Be strong in who you are. Have faith in yourself. Be confident. Be true to yourself.

    A strong self esteem and positive outlook on yourself and life will go far in attracting someone to you.

    Good luck buddy, you can do it. You've conquered the beast called weight, you'll do fine.

    -Chuck
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    Jul 10, 2007 11:56 PM GMT
    Maybe I need to move to the Great Satan....
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    Jul 11, 2007 8:56 PM GMT
    #1 ... 18 - 25 is a good range.

    #2. I like guys shorter than me, and I'm about 6'2".

    #3. I have a soft spot for Asians....

    We all have our "likes"......not judging you about that but when you put qualifications on those likes....you do tend to limit who you're going to meet.
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    Jul 11, 2007 9:12 PM GMT
    just whatever you do, don't ever stop being "nice" :)
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    Jul 11, 2007 9:47 PM GMT
    I find that the best way to get someone is to not think about it. I soent soooo much time worrying about why it is I don't have a boyfriend. Then finally, one day I let it sink in that I am young, I have time and I want to have fun. If something happens on the way thats great, if not, thats great to. There are advantages and disadvantages to being in and out of a relationship.

    Second, having a type is ok and all, but I find it leads to ruling out possibilities. You can say, "noone under 18 or over 35" or nobody that is very sexual, but those are generalities that alot of people can make. It's when you start saying, "I only want a guy this tall with this hair and those eyes." that you have a problem. I am NOT saying that is what you're doing, I don't even know you, but this is just what I find works.

    Casey
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    Jul 11, 2007 10:09 PM GMT
    The more you think about it, the less natural you will be. This applies to most everything. You can't throw a good punch in boxing if you think about it.

    I don't think 'it will just take time' is good advice. It's not the time that you need, it's the experience, it's learning, it's information. Instead of taking time, go do it.

    You already seem to be finding out the fact that people are just like you. All people are virtually the same, which means things you like on the deepest level are things other people like, it's just figuring out how to supply those things.

    One major difference from one person to the next is image and culture. I distance myself from those things, so to talk about a TV show, or how hot you think I am will probably not work, because I just don't care. However, if you write me a message that you wanna go smoke out and kayak this weekend with a phone number, I'm probably into you. You just need to find out where people stand, and then you can decide if you want them in your life, and how to best approach them.

    Just do it, don't wait around.
  • hotversguy

    Posts: 155

    Jul 20, 2007 5:30 AM GMT
    well congratulations on losing all that weight.

    if you can do that, you can probably do most anything.

    when the time is right.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jul 29, 2007 1:03 PM GMT
    Yeah...congrats on the weight
    that must have been tuff

    .. but I think while the mirror says you're 2 hundred pounds lighter you're mind isn't seeing the samething
    I think you might be still defending yourself against possible rejections and insults that aren't even a possibility anymore
    ...give yourself some time...place yourself in situations where you can meet men
    activities that include other gay men
    ...if this doesn't work ... you may want to think about some therapy work
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 29, 2007 2:17 PM GMT
    bpluvsu,

    You seam like a nice guy and I'm sure you are. You are young and you are very good looking. Well done on losing the 200 lbs. Being nice is not your problem. Don't stop being nice. It will happen for you in time. Wait for that someone spacial. Trust me it is worth it.

    Mike
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    Aug 02, 2007 12:52 PM GMT
    Hey bp - I read your post and then checked out your profile and as soon as I saw "Boston" I thought, oh well, THERE'S his problem! J/k. But seriously, coming from Boston originally, it's a frigid town and I'm not talking about just the winters. So keep in mind, there can be LOTS of reasons finding someone is tough but yeah, often times, something falls into your lap when you least expect it.
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    Aug 02, 2007 1:13 PM GMT
    you're going to be fine sweet man, just give it time. you're tall and handsome and before long you'll have men falling at your feet.

    and remember masculinity is a male trait, it's got nothing to do with being gay or straight necessarily.

    do you know, i envy you because you've got it all to come. your first kiss, the first time you hold a naked man in your arms....i'll stop there i think!
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 02, 2007 1:38 PM GMT
    Best advice BigJoey. I agree totally. Good Luck BP Read the book "the secret". All about positive thinking.
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    Aug 02, 2007 2:18 PM GMT
    Hi,

    I saw your post and thought I could share some things that I learned.

    Do your best to always stand up straight. When I was 18 I had this same question, and someone told me a lot of what people find attractive isn't just looks or clothes, but a sense of confidence.

    The only problem with confidence is it needs to be learned. Some guys think their bitchy, rude attitude is confidence but they are fooling themselves.

    Real confidence is being able to stand straight and tall in a room full of hot guys, being able to smile and make eye contact, and whether not you get hit on you still have a good time. The last parts are the harder ones to learn and master, so for now start with standing up straight. Say with out speaking your proud of who you are and you want to be seen.