DETERMINING WHEN YOU HAVE A "FAKE" IN YOUR LIFE: Opinions requested about your experience with new "friends" who turn out to be fakes.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 03, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    Well as most of you know, I tend to respond to guys who are asking for help or input in these forums... I don't ask for much. This one I want your input on, not because I'm not sure what to do, but just want to see if my usual grounded, "reasonable" approach makes sense.

    Earlier today, we had some discussion about "fakes" and RJ member, "Meohmy" had relayed his views of another RJ member. I responded, about "how sad" it might be if the individual about whom he expressed that concern turned out to be a fake. I was a little sensitive at that moment because of something going with me right now.

    Had been contacted on Facebook (and friended) by a gentleman who grew up in Wyoming, worked as a public school administrator in Montana and now was moving to Wichita as he now has a job here. He explained that he has serious issues with his superintendent in Montana and that he recently broke up with his partner of 11 years. While I personally though it was a little odd that he was packing up some of his belongings from his "stunning" (looked like it was from a magazine... maybe it was) log home in Montana, put his quarter horses with his parents and was heading down to Wichita.

    Now if your talking "log homes" and registered quarter horses, you know your are going to get my attention. Didn't see pics of him immediately, but I was interested in getting to know the guy. We exchanged some basic information and knows I have a partner. I talked to him on the phone, told my partner about him and my desire to get to know him .. at least for the contracted year he would be working for the schools here. He arrived last Friday and with my birthday weekend events, couldn't get to have lunch with him until today. When I told him about my family birthday plans, he did tell me how much he missed his family (wtf, he'd been here two days) I confirmed it last night with him and we would meet today at 11:30 a.m
    for lunch..

    I arrived and nothing.. I called and left him a message and didn't hear anything.
    I started wondering if this was going to be another "Dustin" experience (from several years ago..... somebody I had met online and later, after being far too trusting, found out this "Dustin" person was not being truthful about who he was, what he was doing... and apparently was getting a kick out of talking to me on the phone). Could this be a repeat???

    Then tonight on FB:

    Chris, I had a family Emerg and had to Fly to Rapid City, SD this morning plane left at 8:45 It was a last minute deal that cost me alot of FN money, but u cant put a price on family, my brother was ina bad car wreck! He is fine. I am just gonna stay here till Thursday and my dad is gonna run me to Billings Friday so I can hit the PBR then fly back on Monday! I forgot all about you and for that I am SOOO Sorry! I promise I will make this up to you!..
    I hope you understand!I dont play games or miss any meeting, I was looking so forward into meeting you~!When shit like this happens to you and your family, you dont think about anyone else and u put people on the back burner! So I am sorry for this!Please lets reschedule I do wanna meet you!I feel so horrible and was in tears this afternoon when I got your message at 5pmThanks, Hope you understand! Respectfully Submitted: Your Friend, "Cody" (not his real name)


    Now you all know I'm concerned if his brother was in a wreck. I'm going to tell him so.. but I'm a little suspicious (and maybe wrongly so). I tend to be an optimist in life, but I'm no dumbass either. I can verify if he is working at the school he told me since I have clients in the building. I just know I'm going to blow a gasket if I find out he is just some screwball, trying to have fun with someone by lying. My approach... be respectful, be patient and be a little guarded.

    Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I should have my ass kicked for not learning the first time!

    Comments, thoughts? Any similar experiences with you guys? What ultimately happened?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    Red flags of a fake profile..

    - Relative or friend got in a car accident.
    - Relative or friend suddenly got terminally ill.
    - Relative or friend died because of complications of the car accident or illness.
    - Pet just died.
    - Experienced some type of natural disaster and lost their home.
    - Abducted by aliens.
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    Aug 03, 2011 3:16 AM GMT
    xrichx saidRed flags of a fake profile..

    - Relative or friend got in a car accident.
    - Relative or friend suddenly got terminally ill.
    - Relative or friend died because of complications of the car accident or illness.
    - Pet just died.
    - Experienced some type of natural disaster and lost their home.
    - Abducted by aliens.
    - The dog ate my webcam.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    It doesn't sound good.

    I've gotten to the point of practically zero tolerance for flakiness. We agree to meet and you can't make it; you damn well better be dialing my number to let me know before I get half way across town. And if I hear someone say "I forgot to charge my phone", that counts as three strikes right there.
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    Aug 03, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    Another clue is when they have a mix of face shots and torso shots- like 2 face shots and then 45 headless torso shots taken in 14 different bathrooms with 11 different phones and sometimes they're an outie and other times they're an innie.

    Okay. Maybe that's a bad example and too specific to just one certain person here who went down in flames.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 4:59 AM GMT
    First of all, I'm telling you right now that a man who writes like that is NOT a public school administrator. Yes, there is "texting English vs. Standard Written English, and people make typos, but the "gonna's" and the "SOOOO's" and the excessive use of exclamation points is more indicative of a school student than an adult who has gotten at least a Masters and probably a PhD in education.

    Also, I read a great book once called The Gift of Fear, by a security consultant by the name of Gavin de Becker. He teaches a variety of ways to spot potential trouble, and one thing he says to watch out for is someone providing too many details. Look at how much info this guy crams into his first sentence alone - city, departure time (twice, really - "this morning" and actual time), cost, family member, nature of problem...classic TMI. Liars do this because they innately sense that you will call them on the lie so they fortify it with details that a truth-teller wouldn't normally provide.

    I see nothing but red flags waving here. Sorry. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 5:01 AM GMT
    What about this guy that has these excuses why he could not send a pic to me then said he wanted to move where i was
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 5:27 AM GMT
    look up the accident report in the local paper or on the police website, for verification, or call the hospitals in town to check on his "condition"....go to the auditors website for the county his property is allegedly in and look it up....fakes don't take long to show themselves......GOOD LUCK!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 6:46 AM GMT
    xrichx saidRed flags of a fake profile..

    - Relative or friend got in a car accident.
    - Relative or friend suddenly got terminally ill.
    - Relative or friend died because of complications of the car accident or illness.
    - Pet just died.
    - Experienced some type of natural disaster and lost their home.
    - Abducted by aliens.


    Also:

    - major childhood abuse stories
    - deeply depressive
    - suicidal at times
    - friends/family constantly dropping off due to suicide
    - computer is always being repaired (so no cam)
    - facebook profile with "friends", none of whom are tagged in his photos
    - if his "family" and "friends" are in contact with you (via email, messenger, etc), thus proving that he is "real" to others, so must be to you, too (on, and this is family that has YET to die in tragic circumstances)

    and it goes on and on...
  • brendanmuscle...

    Posts: 593

    Aug 03, 2011 8:58 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    xrichx saidRed flags of a fake profile..

    - Relative or friend got in a car accident.
    - Relative or friend suddenly got terminally ill.
    - Relative or friend died because of complications of the car accident or illness.
    - Pet just died.
    - Experienced some type of natural disaster and lost their home.
    - Abducted by aliens.
    - The dog ate my webcam.


    The webcam is broken (after coming up with a black screen)

    No, i don't have a webcam --> "Can you send me a picture with your index finger faced up? i just want to be sure you are real, please dont take offense at this." Response: I am real, trust me, if you dont trust me then how can you expect me to trust you? Goodbye, we're done talking
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 03, 2011 9:18 AM GMT
    While we haven't had many conversations by phone, I remember one we had prior to last weekend. He was telling me he had moved here. I asked him where his house was in Wichita.... and suddenly the phone went dead.

    "My phone went dead", he told me later.

    He told me he was "near the high school", where he is to work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 9:41 AM GMT
    The beauty of the internet: No one HAS to be honest. We all love fiction, and the internet is a fiction lover's dream.

    Internet dating/friendship is an idealized reality that has no real validity in daily life. I would be/am skeptical. We are only as sick as our secrets.

    Sounds like a closet caseicon_smile.gif

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 03, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    EliStark saidFirst of all, I'm telling you right now that a man who writes like that is NOT a public school administrator. Yes, there is "texting English vs. Standard Written English, and people make typos, but the "gonna's" and the "SOOOO's" and the excessive use of exclamation points is more indicative of a school student than an adult who has gotten at least a Masters and probably a PhD in education.
    >


    Good point.... he told me he has 3 bachlors degrees, 2 masters and is working on his PHD. He was talking about how people have questioned his degrees based on his age (which he said was in his 30's). He told he he practically had his first bachlors degree right after he graduated high school because of the way he was educated. I didn't question this as it perhaps could be possible in rural Wyoming with online allowance. The only issue here is .. when he graduated high school 20 years ago, there wasn't online courses....lol
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    Aug 03, 2011 1:03 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidGood point.... he told me he has 3 bachlors degrees, 2 masters and is working on his PHD.


    Ya know what? I'd just ask to see those degrees. Just tell him you've been burned before, and you don't want to be burned again. Your time is valuable and you have to decide who to invest in. ;-) "Show me them degrees."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    Actually yes, met some fake online peeps. One guy was a Filipino guy pretending to be a guy from Kentucky. We hit it off so well. I really liked him only to discover later he was lying through his teeth about everything. Really pissed me off.
    Perhaps that's why I don't give much credence to unverified people on here either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    Wow...that sucks terribly. Some people are just really sad, pitiful, and pathetic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 1:18 PM GMT
    If he had your phone number and didn't call to cancel, you're not high on his list. Or think of it this way. He had all that time on the plane to email you.

    People always seem to use fake tragedies to get themselves off the hook because, if you challenge them, they get to make you out to be the bad guy. "What! How dare you question the death of my mother, my brother, my dog, and the total collapse of my left lung! Good bye!"
    icon_wink.gif
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2605

    Aug 03, 2011 1:45 PM GMT
    Your approach is the right one.
    I try not to be cynical and closed off despite evidence to the contrary.I have met many good guys over this medium.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Aug 03, 2011 1:52 PM GMT
    The ball is in his court. Let him make the meet-up arrangements when he gets back into town. Until then, your life goes on.
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    Aug 03, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    Guess I've been lucky, only real fakes I've encountered have been online, not in person. Some real dillies who posted pictures of mansions as being their home, stories about being a cripple after a terrible car accident, that sort of thing. Then when caught in their lies they'd drop their account (AOL in those days) and return with a new SN. And soon be exposed for who they were, telling more outrageous stories, starting the cycle all over.

    I did have a BF for a couple of years who was prone to exaggeration about himself. But I felt that was innocent enough, technically lying but I could usually sense the truth. Damn thing was he was very well off, very prominent, no need to exaggerate about himself. But I guess one of these guys who always wanted more, or felt inadequate or something, I dunno. But it didn't bother me too much, and let him think I believed his harmless fantasies.
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    Aug 03, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    Take it with a grain of salt.

    If the guy is real deal then you'll know it when this cloud of doubt settles. At the moment, you are just talking and you really haven't invested anything into him so from my view it doesn't seem like you've lost anything. Nothing says you can't keep talking to him and as "over the top" as this situation seems I've heard way worse and it all turned out to be true. Just give this situation the benefit of the doubt and continue on with your life.

    Worst case scenario is that everything this guy has said is a lie in which case you quickly remove yourself from dealing with him ever again. The longer you think about it the more paranoid and less trustworthy you are gonna be and you are already showing signs of that when you say you can easily find things out about him by having him watched and stalked by your buddies/clients in the building. No one likes to be spied on and if he finds out you had to check his story out and kept tabs on him I doubt he'd wanna be your friend. Could you blame him?


    You know better then, HndsmKansan.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 2:29 PM GMT
    Vorsich your a delusional bitch. Stop pretending like people want to get in your pants and get over it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 2:43 PM GMT
    MeOhMy said
    - facebook profile with "friends", none of whom are tagged in his photos



    This. A major major red flag.

    But this is not always the case though. Deki and I have met in person like multiple times, and his facebook has no photo tagged of him. So it's only a red flag, not a death sentence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    The out of town guys are redflags for me. My rule... local only. At least you are not out the plane fare to go meet him which happens . Beware many fakes on here.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 03, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    The way he typed would immediately make me think he's lying about something honestly, Hndsm.