Who is in the wrong?

  • biggamehunter

    Posts: 87

    Aug 04, 2011 5:41 AM GMT
    So I have a really good friend, and yes, we are just friends, there is nothing sexual about our friendship even though most of our friends think there is. Now that is clear, we have come to a fork in the road and it pertains to a guy and I am not sure how to handle it.

    Awhile back there was this guy that he pointed out to me, told me to avoid and that this guy was an ass hole. I had no intentions of ever meeting this guy and every time we saw him it was in a bar so I never really got a good look at him. After a fairly substantial fight that lead to us not speaking, I was out at a bar, dancing with this sexy guy, we made small talk which lead to lots of long talks and I began to really like this guy, one problem, he was moving a few weeks after I met him. We took that in stride, became friends and I ended up helping him move and seeing him off to another country.

    In his absence I realized that this was the same "ass hole" my friend warned me about. Turns out he burned my friend on my friend's birthday some years prior and my he hasn't let it go. Currently my friend and I are back to being best friends, and this boy is coming back in town to visit for a while. I really want to meet up with him and catch up; get a beer and talk about the past few months and just have fun. My best friend, is telling me, if I go and have a beer, I am knowingly hurting and disregarding his feelings and that I can consider our friendship over. I am torn, because I miss my new friend but don't want to throw away an "old" friend over something like this. Who is in the wrong in this situation? Me for deciding to go on this "date" or him for telling me not to over something that happened many years ago?

    Thanks for any advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    Your old friend needs to get over whatever happened long ago. He's nursing a grudge and it's childish. If he wants to hang on to some old disappointment, that's his right, but he cannot expect you to do the same.

    You won't help him by babying him, and you won't help him by letting him impose some kind of loyalty test on you.

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    Aug 04, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    I think it's pretty poor behaviour to issue an ultimatum like that BUT at the same time I guess someone who you have been friends for years with should have priority over someone new.

    Can't you meet up with him but just not mention it to your friend? If he's only visiting.
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    Aug 04, 2011 12:46 PM GMT
    Long Term:
    I don't really fight with any of my friends nor get to the point where we intentionally don't speak to each other. Is your relationship with your 'old friend' really worth it?

    Short Term:
    In saying that, I can understand where he is coming from. If you want both friends, the best thing you can do is explain to your 'old friend' why you want to see this guy and how you feel like you're getting the rough end of the stick. Empathise with him though, tell him you feel bad about what happened - but there is no reason to punish you for that. Downplay the situation with the 'new friend'. Play into his jealousy and make him feel like he's the one you really care about. This kind of diplomacy is often the best way to get what you need.
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    Aug 04, 2011 12:48 PM GMT
    Ultimatums like this are not consistent with a friendship based on mutual respect. It's also controlling behavior. Could you have another talk with your friend, asking him if he can get over his grudge and consider maybe the other guy has changed, and to respect your actions?
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    Aug 04, 2011 12:51 PM GMT
    You are 23 years old. You are not in highschool any more are you? It's time to put on the big boy pants and not let others dictate whom you will befriend and whom you will not. If a so-called friend of mine ever issued an ultimatum like that I'd cut them loose.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1766

    Aug 04, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    If one of my friends threatned to end our friendship just like that, I'd end it for them. If you consider you can terminate a friendship just like that I doubt it's a very good friendship anyway.
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    Aug 04, 2011 1:41 PM GMT
    biggamehunter saidSo I have a really good friend, and yes, we are just friends, there is nothing sexual about our friendship even though most of our friends think there is.

    That opening sentence makes me suspicious -- not regarding your own attitude in the friendship, but regarding his. I & others have encountered this with a few friends, even with those who were in another existing relationship. Here are 3 things I've run into, any one of these a motive by itself, or in any combination of the 3.

    1. He wants you for himself romantically, and is "reducing the field" by bad-mouthing potential competition. With little else for you to choose from, you'll eventually see him as your best option. And even if he has someone now, he'll drop that person when you show interest in him.

    2. He selfishly wants you to be his main friend and buddy, not necessarily a sexual issue, and sees other guys as threats to the status quo with you.

    3. He is jealous of anyone getting near you. He may not entirely understand why, or even realize that he feels that way, his reaction almost unthinkingly reflexive.

    His current ultimatum may be to prevent you from learning the truth, that his previous story may have been untrue or exaggerated for his own purposes. He can't have you discover that, and doubt him. Naturally he would threaten to end your friendship -- what's he got to lose, if the friendship ends anyway, once you hear another side of the story he gave you? Or if you simply drift away from him because you like this new guy better.

    And why END a friendship when a friend may be making a mistake that concerns only himself? Wouldn't a true friend find that a time to stay close, to provide the safety net if those dire predictions come true? Your friend says your seeing this guy is an affront to him, but only if you believe his original story about their own encounter. It would be a clever but not unheard of way to force you to choose between them. Hence my doubts about him.

    I won't advise a particular course of action for you, too many variables here I don't know, all of this speculation on my part based on prior experiences. But I would say to keep your eyes open, and take things your good friend says with a grain of salt. I question his motivation, whether conscious or subconscious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    You should really not be given an ultimatum like that and he should really let go of it.

    Art deco has some sage advice but also treat your situation accordingly.

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    Aug 04, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    Talk to your out-of-town friend and explain your circumstance, then have him break bread with your bud. If your out-of-town friend in sincerely interested in you, he will break bread with your closest friend.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Aug 04, 2011 2:31 PM GMT
    this is life, not Big Brother. You have to move on everyone does.