Have You Dumped a Friend? Why?

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    Aug 04, 2011 6:58 PM GMT
    We've probably all had friendship break-ups. Which one can you think of.....and Why did you feel the need to end the friendship?

    I've recently decided to take a long break, probably permanent, from a friend I've had for 6 years now. I'm tired of his negative outlook. I've decided that 'being a good influence' isn't working. And I've decided that time spent with him has meant time away from friends with whom I do have a positive relationship.

    So what's been your experience?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Aug 04, 2011 7:28 PM GMT
    my best friend in college and I were inseperable 19 year olds. we took many of the same classes together, ate lunch together, worked in the same department store.his sporting goods dept shared a common isle with my automotive department.

    we would split a 6/8/12 pack (legal drinking age was 18 at that time) in the parking lot after work and shoot the shit all night long, about what we wanted our post-college life to be like...or whatever the heck we had on our minds. his girl friend (more about her below) would drive thru the parking lot, see our cars parked side by side with the doors opened and the radios playing, and zoom away in a jealous feminine rage.

    when his shell shocked, 20 year "lifer" ex-army, alcoholic viet nam war affected father flipped out and verbally (and occassionally physically) abused him, my best friend would seek refuge on the pull out sofa bed in my bedroom at my parent's house.

    after college graduation, he used his influence to get me hired on where he was working. our close friendship undured, even as he got promoted above me.

    when his mother died because the above mentioned father was too much of a skinflint (or too brain damaged crazy) to provide proper medical care for her; i held my best friend in my arms at her funeral and stared down the crazy father, who was pissed off at his son for crying in public. (his father had enough sense left in his head not to fuck with ME!)

    the first time he "got lucky" (not by the afore mentioned girlfriend!) he stopped at my house, on the way home from the cherry busting girl's house, to tell me about it, he was so happy and excited he could barely talk.

    when he and his off and on girlfriend AKA "the ice princess" would break up over and over, he and I would get drunk and he would cry, literally and figuretively, on my shoulder about her.

    i stood next to him in his wedding, even though i thought the ice princess bitch he was marrying would do him dirty. (he later told me that she lobbied hard and long to get her brother to replace me as the best man).

    when his son and daughter were born, i sent flowers to him and wife the ice princess. i made darn sure i sent them both birthday cards and Christmas presents.

    he and the ice princess bought a house about 3 minutes away from mine. he and I would take his children to the park for "playtime" while the ice pricess tried to spend her way up into the social class she desired to be in.

    gradually, the visits became less and less in frequency. he stopped coming by my house. i had to go by his/her/their house if i wanted to see my best friend. at first i was invited inside...then just at the kitchen door....then just to the garage door. it got to the point that if i didn't call him at work there was no communication going on between us.

    my best friend's attitude towards me had cooled. one day he mumbled something about his wife not liking me (hardly a newsflash to me!) and that i shouldn't come around their house anymore....that he/she/they had made "married friends" at the country club and that i "didn't fit in" anymore.

    that was......13 years ago! i haven't seen or heard from him since then. my father's death...hurricane katrina's aftermath...nothing!....not a word from him.

    So Sad that it ended that way.





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    Aug 04, 2011 11:24 PM GMT
    I don't like to think about it all that much because it leaves an ugly taste in my mouth. A guy who worked in the same company as me, but in a different department, asked me about being his roommate. I had just secured a condo downtown, but felt bad for him because one roommate would not pay his share of the bills and was booted and the other kept bouncing the checks. So I moved in. I lived there for about 2 years. I was awakened one morning by the sheriff's department and was EVICTED!! It seems he had not paid the rent for 3 months. We were pretty close by this time. After 2 days of calling, he finally told me that he was in financial trouble. That trouble turned out to be him having his car repossessed twice. I also found out that he had taken my part of the rent (total for 3 months=$1500) and put a down payment on a 3 bedroom townhouse! I was livid! And when I went to finally get my stuff out of storage, I found out he had not paid the rent (in his name) nor had he contacted me to let me know he was taking his stuff out.

    Just the other day, I received a request to add him to my connections circle on LinkedIn. That was laughable at best! The only thing positive I retain from that friendship was a guy who is not one of my best friends. If I were to see this guy on the street and he was on fire, I wouldn't use my own urine to put the fire out.
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    Aug 04, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    Yes, I have. So has Doug

    -Bill
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    Aug 04, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    rnch said

    we would split a 6/8/12 pack (legal drinking age was 18 at that time) in the parking lot after work and shoot the shit all night long




    You think we would have repected you less if you were an illegal 19 year old drinker? icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 05, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    rnch saidmy best friend in college and I were inseperable 19 year olds. we took many of the same classes together, ate lunch together, worked in the same department store.his sporting goods dept shared a common isle with my automotive department.

    we would split a 6/8/12 pack (legal drinking age was 18 at that time) in the parking lot after work and shoot the shit all night long, about what we wanted our post-college life to be like...or whatever the heck we had on our minds. his girl friend (more about her below) would drive thru the parking lot, see our cars parked side by side with the doors opened and the radios playing, and zoom away in a jealous feminine rage.

    when his shell shocked, 20 year "lifer" ex-army, alcoholic viet nam war affected father flipped out and verbally (and occassionally physically) abused him, my best friend would seek refuge on the pull out sofa bed in my bedroom at my parent's house.

    after college graduation, he used his influence to get me hired on where he was working. our close friendship undured, even as he got promoted above me.

    when his mother died because the above mentioned father was too much of a skinflint (or too brain damaged crazy) to provide proper medical care for her; i held my best friend in my arms at her funeral and stared down the crazy father, who was pissed off at his son for crying in public. (his father had enough sense left in his head not to fuck with ME!)

    the first time he "got lucky" (not by the afore mentioned girlfriend!) he stopped at my house, on the way home from the cherry busting girl's house, to tell me about it, he was so happy and excited he could barely talk.

    when he and his off and on girlfriend AKA "the ice princess" would break up over and over, he and I would get drunk and he would cry, literally and figuretively, on my shoulder about her.

    i stood next to him in his wedding, even though i thought the ice princess bitch he was marrying would do him dirty. (he later told me that she lobbied hard and long to get her brother to replace me as the best man).

    when his son and daughter were born, i sent flowers to him and wife the ice princess. i made darn sure i sent them both birthday cards and Christmas presents.

    he and the ice princess bought a house about 3 minutes away from mine. he and I would take his children to the park for "playtime" while the ice pricess tried to spend her way up into the social class she desired to be in.

    gradually, the visits became less and less in frequency. he stopped coming by my house. i had to go by his/her/their house if i wanted to see my best friend. at first i was invited inside...then just at the kitchen door....then just to the garage door. it got to the point that if i didn't call him at work there was no communication going on between us.

    my best friend's attitude towards me had cooled. one day he mumbled something about his wife not liking me (hardly a newsflash to me!) and that i shouldn't come around their house anymore....that he/she/they had made "married friends" at the country club and that i "didn't fit in" anymore.

    that was......13 years ago! i haven't seen or heard from him since then. my father's death...hurricane katrina's aftermath...nothing!....not a word from him.

    So Sad that it ended that way.








    My mouth dropped when I read this.


    But this is reality. It happens. I try to view it like this-

    People come and go in and out of your life for a reason. I try to let people in almost as easily as I let them leave. At the end of the day, I'll be alright if they were never in my life to begin with... but it is comforting to have them there for the time they'll like me around. I haven't a lot of time in this world so I try not to heckle someone for moving on and forgetting about me. I just know that the time we were able to spend together was a wonderful, ephemeral moment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    Yes. I am not sure why. I don't want to ask them but I move on
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    Aug 05, 2011 2:06 AM GMT
    PresentMind saidWe've probably all had friendship break-ups. Which one can you think of.....and Why did you feel the need to end the friendship?

    I've recently decided to take a long break, probably permanent, from a friend I've had for 6 years now. I'm tired of his negative outlook. I've decided that 'being a good influence' isn't working. And I've decided that time spent with him has meant time away from friends with whom I do have a positive relationship.

    So what's been your experience?


    Pretty much the same reasons and experiences, and I'd say for both genders (male and female).

    Things get a bit more complicated when others in your circle of friends also break the friendship with that one particular person, especially around the same time. I had this a few times, and it was assumed we all ganged up on that person. I had to rid myself of any "guilt" that person tried to lay on me. Ultimately, it was my decision to end the friendship for my own personal sanity and well being.
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    Aug 05, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    I dropped plenty of so called friends for the simple fact that they did things that I wasn't gelling with. They lacked maturity and the ability to grow, change and learn from mistakes or rather avoid making them to begin with. Basically dead weight. They were like a sinking ship and pulling everyone around them down. Even when you tried to help them out and went out of your way they slapped you in the face and just did things that made you shake your head and then had the nerve to say stuff like "No one tried to help me when I needed it."

    How about the one's who got off creating and making drama and then couldn't admit their wrong doings? I had a buddy who was a habitual home wrecker. He knew he was in the wrong but you couldn't explain anything to him and I just didn't want to associate myself with him because of his attitude and actions. I cut my ties with him. He later started talking shit because I stopped hanging out with him and he acted like he didn't know the reason why. Here's how I operate. I don't just cut my ties with someone without telling them the reason why so the fact that he was walking around and making it seem like I pulled a phantom on him was hilarious. I'm also the kind of guy to call folks out on their BS. Again he knew this. So when I confronted him and a group of friends this dude goes on some tangent about other stuff not relevant to the topic at hand. I let him finish then I said my piece. The other folks didn't know about how he ruined lives and slept around. A few of them also didn't know that he had fucked around with THEIR partners. Fuck it. We weren't friends so it was a no holds bar type thing. I revealed all. Come at me crazy and I show you crazy.

    Should I have said something? Probably not but this idiot should've known better than to try to make me seem like some bad person and act like I'm reason the friendship diminished. Hell no. Once his friends found out the truth it was a different story. They were his friends (not mine) so I wasn't obligated to say anything to them at the time of my ex-friends uncool acts but since we weren't friends anymore and this dude wanted to talk shit then I figured his friends should know what kind of friend they had. I did them a favor. I put that dude on the spot and then left and watched as the our friendship ended permanently along with a few of his other friendships.
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    Aug 05, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    rnch saidmy best friend in college and I were inseperable 19 year olds. we took many of the same classes together, ate lunch together, worked in the same department store.his sporting goods dept shared a common isle with my automotive department.

    we would split a 6/8/12 pack (legal drinking age was 18 at that time) in the parking lot after work and shoot the shit all night long, about what we wanted our post-college life to be like...or whatever the heck we had on our minds. his girl friend (more about her below) would drive thru the parking lot, see our cars parked side by side with the doors opened and the radios playing, and zoom away in a jealous feminine rage.

    when his shell shocked, 20 year "lifer" ex-army, alcoholic viet nam war affected father flipped out and verbally (and occassionally physically) abused him, my best friend would seek refuge on the pull out sofa bed in my bedroom at my parent's house.

    after college graduation, he used his influence to get me hired on where he was working. our close friendship undured, even as he got promoted above me.

    when his mother died because the above mentioned father was too much of a skinflint (or too brain damaged crazy) to provide proper medical care for her; i held my best friend in my arms at her funeral and stared down the crazy father, who was pissed off at his son for crying in public. (his father had enough sense left in his head not to fuck with ME!)

    the first time he "got lucky" (not by the afore mentioned girlfriend!) he stopped at my house, on the way home from the cherry busting girl's house, to tell me about it, he was so happy and excited he could barely talk.

    when he and his off and on girlfriend AKA "the ice princess" would break up over and over, he and I would get drunk and he would cry, literally and figuretively, on my shoulder about her.

    i stood next to him in his wedding, even though i thought the ice princess bitch he was marrying would do him dirty. (he later told me that she lobbied hard and long to get her brother to replace me as the best man).

    when his son and daughter were born, i sent flowers to him and wife the ice princess. i made darn sure i sent them both birthday cards and Christmas presents.

    he and the ice princess bought a house about 3 minutes away from mine. he and I would take his children to the park for "playtime" while the ice pricess tried to spend her way up into the social class she desired to be in.

    gradually, the visits became less and less in frequency. he stopped coming by my house. i had to go by his/her/their house if i wanted to see my best friend. at first i was invited inside...then just at the kitchen door....then just to the garage door. it got to the point that if i didn't call him at work there was no communication going on between us.

    my best friend's attitude towards me had cooled. one day he mumbled something about his wife not liking me (hardly a newsflash to me!) and that i shouldn't come around their house anymore....that he/she/they had made "married friends" at the country club and that i "didn't fit in" anymore.

    that was......13 years ago! i haven't seen or heard from him since then. my father's death...hurricane katrina's aftermath...nothing!....not a word from him.

    So Sad that it ended that way.



    That sucks man, but I fear this is very common for people in our situations. I only have one good friend that is married and another on the way, oddly enough I'm going to be the best man again at this one. Still I get on well will their wives but I fear as time goes on and they have more married friends, I will stick out like a sore thumb.
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    Aug 05, 2011 5:24 PM GMT
    Yes, it happens.

    Sometimes they are really nice folks but you just don't have time for them - because they live too far away, you don't have as much in common as with others who are higher priority, they don't reciprocate invitations, etc. With these folks things just kind of peter out naturally.

    Then there are those for whom everything flames out. We were friends with one couple - we did most of the work maintaining the friendship in terms of communications, plans, invites, etc. Last straw was when we invited them for a swim on a really hot day - one of them says he'd rather do something with someone else because "it would feel like warm pee anyway." It was the straw that broke the camel's back - precipitated a catfight ("hey, ya know, that was a pretty crappy thing to say" led to, on his part, "this friendship is over"). Haven't looked back.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Aug 05, 2011 5:38 PM GMT
    I didn't break off a friendship with him, but he did with me.

    We first met up being assigned in the same unit in Germany. We immediately hit it off, along with his wife. We always hung out in Germany along with other married friends. We also realized that we were both stationed across the street from each other in Fort Benning, GA prior to both of our Germany assignments, but never knew each other - but we did know some of the same people. BTW, it was New Year's Eve in which everyone but I was with a married partner at the enlisted club, kissing in the new year. That's the watershed event that had me accept my homosexuality....

    So we endured our time together in Bosnia. After that deployment, I got promoted and came up on assignment to Missouri. Then he got an assignment for the same location. GREAT! We continued to hang out and just before he moved there, he had his first child. I was always hanging out, doing nothing really. A few times we went trout fishing together (awesome!) Then in '99, I started to get really involved with our local rugby team, making more friends, and I was taking on 3 college courses at the same time as my full time military job. I was really busy and started to visit less frequently. But I did make an effort to visit. Well, he didn't like that. He confronted me about it and I had to defend myself about what was going on in my life. Even his wife thought he was being out of line and thought that what I was doing was great. So we supposedly patched things up.

    A few months later, he was getting out of the Army and moving back home about 3 hours away. I tried to keep in touch with him by writing letters, but I never got a response. He used our distance to cut me off.

    I've moved on. I'm not going to be guilt-tripped for doing something for myself and my future.
  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Aug 05, 2011 5:45 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidYep, I have let go of some friends. I had a bad habit of attracting and/or pulling verbally and emotionally abusive people and what I like to call "takers" and users into my life. Once I reached my thirties and realized what dynamic I was stuck in that all ended. Now that I am forty I sometimes run into people that I once knew back in my twenties and I am so grateful for how much I have grown.

    Nonetheless it still saddens me that people will bleed you dry if you let them. That is not what I call a friend.


    Very well said MuchMore icon_idea.gificon_biggrin.gif

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    Aug 05, 2011 5:46 PM GMT
    It's only natural for people to come and go in our lives.

    Just with any relationship, friendship has to be a two way street. If a friendship becomes lopsided it's not going to work in the long run. It's always hard to split with a "friend" but I've got too much self respect and little free time to spend it with a "taker"... Unfortunately, if can take years to figure that out (or people change on you) so it's always hardest when you've know someone for a long time. I've always left on good terms but still sad when someone let's you down.

    Those true friends that share the burden/responsibility of the relationship are worth their weight in gold... I hold those people close and dear to my heart. The rest can move along...respectfully
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    Aug 05, 2011 5:47 PM GMT
    I had a good relationship with my female friend throughout high school. After Graduation we went out separate ways
  • ben27

    Posts: 101

    Aug 05, 2011 6:18 PM GMT
    rnch saidmy best friend in college and I were inseperable 19 year olds. we took many of the same classes together, ate lunch together, worked in the same department store.his sporting goods dept shared a common isle with my automotive department.

    we would split a 6/8/12 pack (legal drinking age was 18 at that time) in the parking lot after work and shoot the shit all night long, about what we wanted our post-college life to be like...or whatever the heck we had on our minds. his girl friend (more about her below) would drive thru the parking lot, see our cars parked side by side with the doors opened and the radios playing, and zoom away in a jealous feminine rage.

    when his shell shocked, 20 year "lifer" ex-army, alcoholic viet nam war affected father flipped out and verbally (and occassionally physically) abused him, my best friend would seek refuge on the pull out sofa bed in my bedroom at my parent's house.

    after college graduation, he used his influence to get me hired on where he was working. our close friendship undured, even as he got promoted above me.

    when his mother died because the above mentioned father was too much of a skinflint (or too brain damaged crazy) to provide proper medical care for her; i held my best friend in my arms at her funeral and stared down the crazy father, who was pissed off at his son for crying in public. (his father had enough sense left in his head not to fuck with ME!)

    the first time he "got lucky" (not by the afore mentioned girlfriend!) he stopped at my house, on the way home from the cherry busting girl's house, to tell me about it, he was so happy and excited he could barely talk.

    when he and his off and on girlfriend AKA "the ice princess" would break up over and over, he and I would get drunk and he would cry, literally and figuretively, on my shoulder about her.

    i stood next to him in his wedding, even though i thought the ice princess bitch he was marrying would do him dirty. (he later told me that she lobbied hard and long to get her brother to replace me as the best man).

    when his son and daughter were born, i sent flowers to him and wife the ice princess. i made darn sure i sent them both birthday cards and Christmas presents.

    he and the ice princess bought a house about 3 minutes away from mine. he and I would take his children to the park for "playtime" while the ice pricess tried to spend her way up into the social class she desired to be in.

    gradually, the visits became less and less in frequency. he stopped coming by my house. i had to go by his/her/their house if i wanted to see my best friend. at first i was invited inside...then just at the kitchen door....then just to the garage door. it got to the point that if i didn't call him at work there was no communication going on between us.

    my best friend's attitude towards me had cooled. one day he mumbled something about his wife not liking me (hardly a newsflash to me!) and that i shouldn't come around their house anymore....that he/she/they had made "married friends" at the country club and that i "didn't fit in" anymore.

    that was......13 years ago! i haven't seen or heard from him since then. my father's death...hurricane katrina's aftermath...nothing!....not a word from him.

    So Sad that it ended that way.






    such a sad story but in my point your friend is just a dickhead and i were in a same situation ... we were close friend in 6 years and then he has girl friend, i try to be nice but she didn't like me. and my friend, he did nothing wrong but i knew that he wasn't tried to make things better, at least one time so i decided to go my own way!
  • bmoney1

    Posts: 244

    Aug 06, 2011 4:40 AM GMT
    In the middle of one now. It sucks because I thought this dude was one of my best friends, but can't take his shit anymore. Plus, we work together... So I'll still have to see him. Pretty often too.

    It definitely sucks investing so much time and energy in to a friendship and doing so much for a person to feel like they just wad it up and throw it back in your face. Oh well, you live and learn.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 06, 2011 4:43 AM GMT
    yes 2
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    Aug 06, 2011 8:19 PM GMT
    I'll stay true to the thread topic although I've experienced both sides of this.

    Dumping and being dumped happen to the best of 'em if you live, and have a life, long enough. People are never as predictable as you might think they are.

    The example I've chosen follows. "Jim" and I first connected after I saw a sports-related, non-sexual, classified ad he'd run in the local Gay paper. (That dates it right there, eh?) We became fast friends, burning up the phone lines and keeping the post office in business since we lived two hours apart. On the rare occasions when we got to connect in person it was GOOD TIMES. Aware that Jim had had battles with the bottle and was staying away from alcohol, I accommodated this without a second thought. When you so much as really like somebody it's no sacrifice. And we "really liked" each other. icon_smile.gif Whether he was 100% Gay is debatable, and the point's moot, but Jim was in an LTR with a guy and we didn't take our friendship to bed. Everything went great, for about six months.

    Then my phone rang on a bleak February afternoon. "Sup, dude?" "HEY, Jim, how's it goin'?" "Well, I'll tell you how it's goin'. I'm alone right now, I'm hammered, there are drugs and guns in the house, and I'm ready to use them." icon_eek.gif For NINE SOLID HOURS I was held captive on that call. Jim told me the story of his life (just about his entire life), often breaking into sobs deeper and more aching than I'd ever heard. Whatever it was he'd fallen off the wagon with, he'd sip some more of from time to time. My mind raced as I tried to think of the right things to say; at least I knew enough to "just listen" when he started rambling. At long last his partner and some other people walked in the door, and he bade me good night after whispering profuse words of gratitude. Soon after that I got a note in the mail that went on with the heavy-duty "thank you's."

    Right after I played Samaritans counselor, I massaged my "phone ear" and promptly called a friend who was well versed in such matters. He'd grown up with an alcoholic father and had a brother who'd also been lost to the sauce. The advice I was given was, "Dump him." I held out for giving the benefit of the doubt, but Jim ended up making it an easy decision. We had a few light, brief, happy conversations in the weeks that followed the call from hell. Then came a voice mail: "Yo yo yo, (MNOL)! And meow meow meow, (MNOL's cat)! Call me back today, man! But wait 'til afternoon 'cause I'm sooooooooooooo hung over."

    Bye, Jim!