Question from a totally str8 dude.

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    May 01, 2008 1:00 AM GMT
    Ok, so one of my very str8 friends has a question for the gay/bi boys. I'm gonna turn things over to him now...

    Hello, Blue here. I am wondering and JT isn't much help, about gay dudes and what the perception is when you see a guy talking to another guy who you know is gay. Do you automatically think the guy is gay, too? Here's the situation. I know a few gay guys at the gym. They're cool and I talk to them like anyone else. Now there's this one guy who has recently started stalking me. I finally asked him what was up and he said, "I figured you were gay since you're always talking to these other gay guys."

    Now, I'm totally cook with gay guys. (Look at JT for shit's sake) and once in awhile one of them will slap my butt or whatever and I don't really freak out, though I'm not totally comfortable with it. I want to say that I don't ONLY talk to gay guys at the gym. In fact, I talk to mainly straight guys.

    So, if I'm talking to gay guys does it give off some sort of gay vibe to other gay guys that I'm on their team?

    I asked JT and he just thinks its funny that this dude is after me. He said I could ask on this gay workout site. at first I was like "shut up, there's no gay workout site." but I guess I was wrong. Any thoughts?




    Ok, JT here again. Just to let ya know, Blue is pretty fucking hot. And he doesn't give off any kind of Gay Vibe...whatever that is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    I can see where some might get that idea. I would think it depends on the guy I would say.
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    May 01, 2008 1:17 AM GMT
    I would think that the straight guys would think so, but the gay guys wouldn't. But you just refuted that, so I'm out of ideas!
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    May 01, 2008 1:19 AM GMT
    Well, if you were talking to gay guys then the other guy wasnt way off base thinking that you might be gay. But that doesnt mean he should "stalk" you. He should approach on the up and up, strike up a conversation, and see where it goes.

    However, if you are good looking and are well built, then people might think you are gay anyway. So since you already have shown that you are willing to at least associate with openly with gays in the gym, that might just seem natural to put 2 and 2 together.

    I guess just accept that people might jump to conclusions. Now you know what it is like with everybody just ASSUMES we are all str8.
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    May 01, 2008 1:44 AM GMT
    Just take it as a compliment when anyone ( male or female ) finds you attractive. This time around someone assumed you "might" be gay by association. Not because of a vibe. No big deal. Next time it may be as simple as the fact that you're single or that you're not married to a woman if thats what's going on in your life. Don't think the only reason you might be considered gay is because you give off a certain "vibe" such as a feminine quality that seems to unfortunately be associated with being gay by some people. It's just not worth analyzing. Hopefully you find no offense to someone thinking you're gay . Then there would be an even bigger problem. Learn from your sexy gay bud. I'm sure it doesn't bother him one bit if someone considers him straight icon_smile.gif Appreciation of someone's beauty is flattery. Just enjoy it. I'm totally with ya on someone touching your ass. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, Male or female, it's a tacky move so if someone does that to ya just tell them to back off.
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    May 01, 2008 2:43 AM GMT
    I don't see this as a off-base assumption. Apparently you're "fuckin hot", so the dude would most likely notice you and be interested. If you're talking with other guys he knows are gay, that's just another tick in the "could be gay" column (or the "I hope he's gay column").

    It's not like we have all that much to go on when noticing hot guys in "mixed" venues like a gym. So, I would probably make the same assumption.

    Now, the whole stalking thing is another issue all together.

    The question I have is does it bother you that people might think you are gay? Just politely tell them you're straight, but appreciate the compliment. I'm always confused when guys say they are "totally cool with gay guys", but then are worried that people think they might be gay. What's it matter really?
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    May 01, 2008 2:48 AM GMT
    If people ask if you are gay, just politely demur and say you aint nearly creative enough to be gay ... icon_eek.gif ... icon_rolleyes.gif ... icon_lol.gif
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    May 01, 2008 2:55 AM GMT
    My best buddy and I used to bat this topic around every now and then.

    It's wishful thinking. A guy sees you (a hottie for sure, cuz we all know how single-minded tommyboy is), sees that you're all friendly with a dude he knows is gay, and - bing bing bing! - he's sure you bat for our team, or, at the very least, don't hate the gays...which means maybe he can persuade you to convert.

    I mean, really, if you're 'hot' (meaning his type), he automatically is gonna wish you were into other dudes. If we want you to be gay, it doesn't take much to convince us that maybe you are. Well-groomed? Yeah! Real friendly with the guys? Hells yeah! Hanging out with a gay dude? Damn...you're practically a flag-waving queen like tommyboy, only in that cool masculine-chic way (just kidding, tommy -- that's for saying you'd skin and wear me to meet boys way back when...). In reality, of course, your behavior just says you're a decent, attractive, non-phobic human being. It's just that wishful thinking can do bizarre things to a guy's mind.
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    May 01, 2008 2:59 AM GMT
    He's right. Some guys just jump to conclusions


    ......and I am just in your shower stall to wash your back ..... oops! dropped the soap ... icon_redface.gif
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    May 01, 2008 3:07 AM GMT
    Who cares?, you know you are not gay. Just enjoy the extra attention but you may want to get the stalker under control.
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    May 01, 2008 3:08 AM GMT
    This is why I don't approach a ton of people I think are attractive. I just never know if they're gay or straight. So, to avoid getting a black eye or worse, I just never say anything.
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    May 01, 2008 3:27 AM GMT
    Presenting....

    http://www.livescience.com/health/080320-clueless-guys.html

    I am sure it applies to gay guys too, perhaps more so.
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    May 01, 2008 3:48 AM GMT
    Well - If your "pretty fucking hot" and talking to gay guys, and especially if know how to dress yourself, it is pretty easy to make that assumption.

    Why worry about it - chuckle and move on...
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    May 01, 2008 4:32 AM GMT
    I'd say it's probably just this one guy's wishful thinking.

    I know for me, I don't assume that a guy who talks with a gay guy is gay himself. I don't make that assumption because most of my friends - who do frequently talk with me - are straight.

    So this sort of puts it in my head that there are straight guys who aren't so hung up on the gay thing. They will actually talk to and, gasp, be friends with gay guys.
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    May 01, 2008 4:40 AM GMT
    For me it's not about who you talk to, but there are things that I don't know if I can quantify that may make you seem gay to people. And no, it's not the typical "feminine" stuff. Some peoples senses about this stuff are better than other people's.

    Either way it shouldn't matter. As a gay man I don't think I would treat a straight guy any different and a gay guy. I wouldn't stalk anyone gay or straight. But remember, if you are "Hot" people are going to be attracted and drawn to you whether they are male or female. There have been studies that show "attractive people" are more likely to be subconsciously treated and perceived as "nicer" just based on looks. What is admiration by one person may be stalking to another.

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    May 01, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidThere have been studies that show "attractive people" are more likely to be subconsciously treated and perceived as "nicer" just based on looks.


    Is that true? I've always thought just the opposite. It could be because I'm not considered "model material" myself, so the hot guys aren't nice to me. But, I've never heard anyone say attractive people are nicer. I've always heard (and experienced) the other way around.

    I'm going to try and find one of these studies. It would make for an interesting read. If you have a link handy, I'd love to see it.
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    May 01, 2008 5:14 AM GMT
    halltd said
    ActiveAndFit said: There have been studies that show "attractive people" are more likely to be subconsciously treated and perceived as "nicer" just based on looks.

    Is that true? I've always thought just the opposite. It could be because I'm not considered "model material" myself, so the hot guys aren't nice to me. But, I've never heard anyone say attractive people are nicer. I've always heard (and experienced) the other way around.

    I'm going to try and find one of these studies. It would make for an interesting read. If you have a link handy, I'd love to see it.
    I said "There have been studies that show "attractive people" are more likely to be subconsciously treated and perceived as "nicer" just based on looks." That not to say that people don't change their minds after getting to know someone .. just that an assumption is made. I just remember reading articles here and there over the last 20 years. When I was in college I read one in "psychology today" that basically said "attractive people" are given more breaks and more likely to live up to expectations projected on them whereas "unattractive people" are not given as many breaks and were more likely to live down to less expectations .. etc. Also at least one of the news magazines (20/20 etc) had programs about it. I will try to find some links, but you can probably google "attraction psychology" etc and find some yourself.

    I should also say that people that are actually nice may "appear" more attractive.
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    May 01, 2008 5:21 AM GMT
    Depends. I usually study people if i'm into then and look for signs. With time i've learnt to not assume but when I first came out that was prolly something i'd do more.
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    May 01, 2008 6:10 AM GMT
    halltd saidBut, I've never heard anyone say attractive people are nicer. [...] I'm going to try and find one of these studies. It would make for an interesting read. If you have a link handy, I'd love to see it.
    I found a few for you:

    From http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/nutrition/weights-poids/leaders_image-chefs_image_e.html

    1984 studyThese messages are picked up early in life. Research, including a 1984 study by Rodin, Silberstein and Striegl-Moore, has found that children view good looking peers as smarter and friendlier, than unattractive peers - and assume them to be happier and more successful.1

    This typecasting affects not only body image but other aspects of self-esteem including, specifically, perception of character. In the western culture, slim is promoted not only as beautiful, healthy and sexy but self-disciplined and good.2 Attractive people are perceived to be kind, interesting, outgoing and to have a variety of socially desirable character traits. The unmistakable sub-text of this message is that people who vary from the model are the opposite of all these things.

    Here are a few more links:
    http://clearinghouse.missouriwestern.edu/manuscripts/287.asp
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16475667
    http://www.uni-regensburg.de/Fakultaeten/phil_Fak_II/Psychologie/Psy_II/beautycheck/english/sozialewahrnehmung/sozialewahrnehmung.htm
  • calipally

    Posts: 246

    May 01, 2008 6:29 AM GMT
    you need to post some pics of blue in his underwear so i can get a better idea of what he's talking about!!!
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    May 01, 2008 6:34 AM GMT
    Why is your friend's name Blue?
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    May 01, 2008 11:09 AM GMT
    A very good female friend of mine hates being hit on by lesbians. Reason: "does that mean I look lesbian (meaning "masculine")?"

    I guess that is the reason too you want to ask why do gay guys think you might be gay: you're offended by the idea that you might look gay (meaning "effeminate").

    I guess it is just the workings of internalised ideas of being gay=feminine and lesbian=masculine. It's true that alomst 99% of effeminate guys are gays. But not all gays are effeminate.

    So, until we get rid of this stereotype, it's impossible for straight guys to feel comfortable with people (either gay or straight) thinking that they might be gay.

    Having said that, I don't believe that sexuality is black and white. You may be 100% straight, but another man may be 99% straight. So what. It is impossible to invent a straight-o-meter so no point for us to get into who's straight or gay argument.

    -------

    Imagine you live in ancient Sparta two thousand five hundred years ago. You'd be obliged to have sex with your mates in the military to try out fucking their ass, before getting married to a girl of your mother's choice to get her pregnant and get you a offspring.

    There was no notion of gay or straight and so there was no social judgement. Hence no one suffered any embarassment when others think they might prefer men or women because everybody has to go through both anyway.

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    May 01, 2008 11:55 AM GMT
    spending many years as an LDS. I have become know of the term: "guilty by association." You hang with druggies, you are a drug user. "Tis why one feels the term Gaydar, is a hole lot of crap.

    But there is lots of redneck, whom go to my gym. Don't know of any openly gay ones. So this is not an issue with me. If there was, this still would not be an issue for me.
  • HndsmKansan

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    May 01, 2008 12:18 PM GMT
    I would think it depends on whether the gay dude is really thinking. There would be suspicions, but I wouldn't automatically think anything (at all). It would be based soley on the behavior of the guy in question, not on who he talks to.

    icon_smile.gif
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    May 01, 2008 12:34 PM GMT
    innerathlete saidWhy is your friend's name Blue?


    Maybe because he's got red hair. Or is this not a term you Americans use for a redhead?