Should you tell you are still a virgin when going on a date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 3:06 AM GMT
    The following thread brought up this question : http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/168532/

    By judging from that thread, some people seem really turned off by dating people who have never done it before...

    So would it be better to "hide" your status or just be honest about it? And if you are going to choose the honest route, when is it the "right time" to be honest...

    What are my chances of ever dating and having a loving relationship if I am 23 and still a virgin icon_redface.gif .

  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    May 01, 2008 4:42 AM GMT
    I say, say something if it flows naturally from the conversation or if you think it's likely to be a deal breaker for the other guy. If the conversation doesn't get around to it, and you have no particular reason to think it'll shut off his interest, you can keep it to yourself for the time being. This is particularly true for the first few dates. You don't need to make a big deal about it unless you feel that your choice to remain virginal is central to who you are. Just don't lie about it.

    Also to consider is why you're a virgin, and how important it is to you that you stay that way. If you've simply not yet been dating a guy you've wanted to take it to that level with, that's one thing. If you're the sort who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, you have something more of an obligation to bring it up before you're too many dates into the relationship--it's not something you have to discuss on the first date, but something I think the other guy should know by the 5th date or a month into a relationship or something. You don't want to string him along with the possibility of sex when you yourself know it's not going to happen for a year or more, but neither do you want to announce it immediately and have a strong possibility that it'll shut down any budding romantic feelings he might have toward you.

    And, well, 23 isn't to the scarily old virgin stage. You're not at the bad comedy movie stage. Or, at least, I don't think so. Granted, I'm still one and I'm 27, so I have a vested interest in thinking it's not too scary, but still. Then again, I'm also one of those who just haven't dated a guy with strong mutual interest yet. A few dates into a relationship with a guy like that, he'll have the fun of dealing with me unleashing years and years of repression... icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 01, 2008 4:53 AM GMT
    I'm just going to agree with everything MSU said. I began a longer post, because I was your age when I lost my virginity (in other words, like 4 months ago) and I elected not to tell the guy, but then I realized that everything I was saying was just repeating what MSU already said so well.
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    May 01, 2008 5:06 AM GMT
    To answer your question, no it is not because of a principle (like no sex before mariage), but rather because I have been out only since last year, and I am also a shy person in general.
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    May 01, 2008 5:27 AM GMT
    Topamax saidTo answer your question, no it is not because of a principle (like no sex before mariage), but rather because I have been out only since last year, and I am also a shy person in general.


    Then I'd say it's up to you, whether you feel comfortable or uncomfortable about telling him. After all, there's no implicit or explicit right that any of us has to know about the past sexual history of our partners. It's really your choice, and if you feel like it's not dishonest--again, I don't think it's dishonest at all--and you just want to avoid even the possibility of it being an issue, then you don't need to say anything. If, however, it makes you uncomfortable to keep it from him, then by all means tell him (this all being a hypothetical "him" of course, since you seem to imply that you're not dating anyone); I would just say that you don't have any obligation of any sort.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 5:35 AM GMT
    Awww don't be sad! I was shy of being 20 when i lost my Virginity.

    It's fun being a virgin work it! I made the fucker wait a month before he got lucky ;)

    Be honnest and tell him. Because if he knows he might let you off the hook if it "ok" sex... If you don't then he might wonder. We all have to start of somewhereicon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 5:57 AM GMT
    Shouldn't being a virgin something you are proud of? I find that we base our lives on what other people say too much. Who cares if some ppl are turned off by virgins? It's not your problem if some of them can't keep their penis in check.

    You should be honest about you status as a virgin. If the conversation goes to the topic of sex and it becomes necessary to inform your date that you are a virgin then do it. If it doesn't then you don't need to mention it. After mentioning it, it will be entirely up to both of you whether to continue the relationship depending on what you both want.

    Your chances of having a loving relationship is still very good. 30 would be pushing it though.
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    May 01, 2008 6:22 AM GMT
    Actually I did have some intimate moments (cudding, touching each other genitals...) with a guy that I did like and I thought it was reciprocal (we were great friends for many months prior), no anal or fellatio though, was 3 months ago. However, apparently the guy was apparently not totally over with his "ex" whom he had quit a few weeks ago, and 2 days later he said he wasn't sure about what he had just done and was doing, and admited to still have feelings for him.. then a few weeks later they were back together.

    I did tell him that I had never done it before... I was wondering if it is what turned him off or if he would have went back to his ex no matter what... and that is part (along with the thread linked above) why it got me to ask the original question.


    ----

    Lazz.. why are the chances of having a good relationship after 30 is pushing it ? icon_neutral.gif
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    May 01, 2008 7:51 AM GMT
    Topamax said
    Lazz.. why are the chances of having a good relationship after 30 is pushing it ? icon_neutral.gif


    From what you said I doubt the reason he left was because you were a virgin. He was still very attached to his ex. You were more like the rebound. Not to worry. It happens.

    Many men are in the prime of their lives during their 20s and it's only natural to pursue others during this period. Sex drive is high, testosterone is high, Erectile Dysfunction is less likely, many ppl are always in good health, less responsibilities, more free time, worthwhile relationship experience is learnt during your 20s etc so this is always a good time to establish a relationship with someone when you are in your prime. Not to say that there aren't those whose prime doesn't extend well into their 30s. But during your 30s the biological processes start to slow, and things don't work as well as they use to.

    Don't be fooled by the ppl on this site. They take very good care of their bodies so those that are 50 and look like 32 or 37 but look like 23, might give you a false sense of security. But trust me they are in the minority. Majority of the population at these ages do feel the effects of aging and they look it too.

    Don't get me wrong, good relationships can be made anytime despite age because not everyone is alike but your chances of accomplishing one during your 20s (or early 30s) is much higher.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 8:02 AM GMT
    PhxAriz08 saidIf you can't tell him, maybe you can tell him you are born-again virgin

    I hope this help?


    hahaha good one icon_biggrin.gif
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    May 01, 2008 8:09 AM GMT
    Why should I ? I am not. I lost those 23 years ago
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    May 01, 2008 11:01 AM GMT
    I don't think it really matters all that much
    ... so you're a little inexperienced
    sometimes that's fun
    there's a learning curve but you'll catch up
    and if the guy's bothered by the fact that you're a virgin?
    he's not that good a guy to be hanging around then much, is he?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 11:15 AM GMT
    I think the most important thing is for you to just keep doing what you feel is best for you. If you want to tell someone, TELL them. If you don't want to tell someone, DON'T tell them. It's part of what makes you YOU. Be proud of it, and own it. icon_lol.gif

    For me personally...if I started dating someone, and they told me they were a virgin, it wouldn't bother me as long as it doesn't bother him that I'm not.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 01, 2008 12:26 PM GMT
    I think it isn't anyone's business if you are just going out to eat and its the first date. Can you imagine meeting someone, the interest level is up, your really enjoying the conversation and you ask him out and his response.... "I'd really enjoy that" oh, yeah, btw, I'm a virgin"...

    I think if the guy wants to disclose that when things get hot and heavy I think that could be fine, but not when you "go" on a date. I just think thats too much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 12:44 PM GMT
    Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time; TODAY.
    Not making fun of you matey!

    In my 20s, when I worked in the gay community. I was a virgin magnet? I'd get you are the kind of guy I hoped to meet, or have dreamed about.

    I never took advantage of them, as I never found it a turn on, as I was into men, and not virgins! Hmmm wonder what i would do now. I've grow en a lot since then....... Don't get me wrong. I still like my men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 12:56 PM GMT
    Being a virgin isn't like being a leper. You don't have to disclose you are a virgin because it doesn't endanger anyone. If you were to go on a date and have the guy turn you down because you're a virgin, fantastic. What an ass hole. "Sorry buddy, I only date the town crotch. No virgins for me."

    But, if you are too anxious about this. If being a virgin makes you too nervous to function on a date. Just hook up with someone and get it out of the way. The first time is never moist and wonderful and magic and shit like we are told it is supposed to be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 1:29 PM GMT
    I'm not ashamed of proclaiming my chastity! The purity of my flesh! The sanctity of my loins. The um...

    fuckit. Where do you go to lose your virginity, fast? icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 3:13 PM GMT
    I say...

    ONLY bring it up if the date turns into more than just a date.

    If it comes up, then yeah...mention it. But make sure to not FOCUS on the fact that you're a virgin. Everyone is a virgin and everyone has to have their first time at some point in life. If he's a good guy (they do seem rare these days), he'll be cool about it and if it gets to it, hopefully want to introduce you to m/m sex the right way.

    But if it's just a first date with no sex and it doesn't come up, then no, don't mention it.

    Last think you want to do is scare away the guy with talk of sex if he's actually interested in seeing you again.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    May 01, 2008 3:31 PM GMT
    I say be honest and upfront about it. If the guy doesn't respect you, drop him.

    If he does, that's awesome! icon_smile.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    May 01, 2008 4:11 PM GMT
    I would have no problems dating a virgin. I wouldn't want to be with some guy who's looking to get it over with, though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2008 4:32 PM GMT
    Pardon my naivety, but within the context of virginity, what constitutes "having sex".
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    May 01, 2008 4:37 PM GMT
    PDSurfer saidPardon my naivety, but within the context of virginity, what constitutes "having sex".


    That is actually a very good question. I know some gay guys consider their first time having anal intercourse as losing their virginity.

    To me it is the first time you have sex with a guy and achieve orgasm, no matter how that is achieved.

    I did not have any anal until I was in my 30's!

    I personally do not understand what the big deal of virginity is anyways. We all have a first time right? As long as it is with a guy that is sensitive to it being the first time then it really should not matter (a guy who basically tried to rape you would not be a good first time).
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    May 01, 2008 5:40 PM GMT
    Personally, I think it would be a turn ON for me to hear a guy I was dating was a virgin. I mean, that's like HUSBAND material, right there. It speaks volumes of your character, and is certainly not anything to be ashamed of. I say, lose it only when you are ready, whether that's tomorrow or ten years from now.

    As for telling a guy? It'll come up in the course of conversation, don't worry. About the second or third date you start asking each other about past relationships, how long, how many, etc. That's the time to tell him. If he freaks, he's an idiot.
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    May 01, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said:

    The first time is never moist and wonderful and magic and shit like we are told it is supposed to be.

    I was caught looking at my watch the first time I had sex with a guy. icon_redface.gif

    It was nice and I felt very comfortable, but well I was getting restless and I wanted the climax to arrive. Like listening to the 1812 Overture on July 4th just waiting for the cannons to go off.
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    May 01, 2008 10:07 PM GMT
    look_alive saidI mean, that's like HUSBAND material, right there. It speaks volumes of your character, and is certainly not anything to be ashamed of.


    I'm not sure I totally understand this sentiment. Why does having not had sex make a person more desirable than a person who has had sex? Is it the madonna/whore complex (there's the madonna you marry, and the whores you fuck), or something else?

    I think I'm the opposite, in terms of desiring a long-term partner. I want a guy that's had his fair share of experiences, and who's explored his sexual desires, his kinks, his fantasies. I want a guy who can turn me on to new things in bed and help me discover kinks that I might not have known I had. I want a guy who knows what he likes, and is adventurous towards the things he's never tried. I think all that is to be found in someone with more experience.

    That doesn't, however, mean that I wouldn't sleep with a virgin. I'm willing to help someone discover those parts of his sexuality that he didn't know he had, or to simply introduce him to sex in general. I'm even fine with that as a long term partner, because I increasingly think I'm looking for a relationship that isn't sexually open and that leaves open many avenues for sexual exploration.