Dad says he loves but ...

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    Aug 07, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    I talked to my dad almost every weekend to talk about sport, life, work etc. Today I called him after I left the gym and he was more emotional than normal.

    He begins to apologize for all the things he stated to me as a kid. The bigot and racist things that he believes drove us apart. Then he starts ranting about love. He states it doesnt matter what the person is or where they come from as long as they love me and I love them.

    I dreamed of the day when my dad would say those very words. I was about to tell my dad the truth about being gay when he corrected himself. "I dont care what WOMAN you bring home, I dont care what SHE looks like." And he laughed a little about the idea of his eldest son in the military, who loves sports, being gay. Ended the feeling I had of being loved and accepted completely within seconds.

    He loves me as long as I'm not gay...
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    Aug 07, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    I know it was hard to hear that he didn't come all the way, but give him some time. He made a step to at least try to repair the bridge.
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    Aug 07, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    the great thing is that once you tell them you're gonna bring home a man, race becomes kinda irrelevant.
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    Aug 07, 2011 8:10 AM GMT
    I'm proud of the progress he made but its still bittersweet.
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    Aug 07, 2011 11:35 AM GMT
    Is there really such a thing as unconditional love. he may well also know you are a homosexual, and letting go of some of the dreams he once may of had; we all Handel out grief in our own way. It's not wrong of a parent to behold expectations of their children, and the wold would be in even a worse place if they did not.
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    Aug 07, 2011 11:41 AM GMT
    Laughing about his eldest son was probably his way of saying "I know you're gay, so come on out so I can pick on you too...I really don't give a fuck who you fuck."
    You just didn't catch the hint. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 07, 2011 12:31 PM GMT
    Why don't you focus on today and come out of the closet already? Just a thought.

    If you're so focused on the future and someone else's outcome you'll stay there forever.
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    Aug 08, 2011 1:07 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidLaughing about his eldest son was probably his way of saying "I know you're gay, so come on out so I can pick on you too...I really don't give a fuck who you fuck."
    You just didn't catch the hint. icon_wink.gif


    I got that impression too.
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    Aug 08, 2011 1:09 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidLaughing about his eldest son was probably his way of saying "I know you're gay, so come on out so I can pick on you too...I really don't give a fuck who you fuck."
    You just didn't catch the hint. icon_wink.gif



    Yeah. Same here. Plus look at it this way. Baby steps are still steps!
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    Aug 08, 2011 10:29 AM GMT
    deltalimen saidWhy don't you focus on today and come out of the closet already? Just a thought.

    If you're so focused on the future and someone else's outcome you'll stay there forever.

    You say the truthicon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Aug 08, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said
    paulflexes saidLaughing about his eldest son was probably his way of saying "I know you're gay, so come on out so I can pick on you too...I really don't give a fuck who you fuck."
    You just didn't catch the hint. icon_wink.gif


    I got that impression too.


    me also icon_exclaim.gif


    icon_idea.gif
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:16 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidLaughing about his eldest son was probably his way of saying "I know you're gay, so come on out so I can pick on you too...I really don't give a fuck who you fuck."
    You just didn't catch the hint. icon_wink.gif


    I agree.

    As a Dad that IS actually something I might say to encourage my son to come out to me. It sounds just from that he is ready to hear it and accept.


    He made the first move already.

    Hope the rest goes well.

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    Aug 08, 2011 12:49 PM GMT
    AnotherKevin saidHe loves me as long as I'm not gay...

    My Father was very distant with me. Showing love wasn't in his nature, and I attributed it to his upbringing, losing his own Father at 8, and his generation, born in 1911. And I'm a bit cold myself, I know that, and possibly even older than your Father at 62.

    My Dad hated me for being gay, saddened & disappointed by it, though we never discussed it. I learned during the last months of his life from my Sister that he always knew I was gay, as did our late Mother. And they both were ashamed of my enlisting in the Army as a Private, not the kind of "profession" they had envisioned for me, and they turned their backs on me.

    It wasn't until I became a Major that my Father finally started to accept my choice. And after I had retired, only a Colonel because of my health having failed suddenly, he would take me to his American Legion hang-outs (he'd served during WWII), and proudly introduce me all around as "My son, the Colonel." But we never discussed that his son was gay, too.

    I spent the last 2 months of his life with him, when he was terminal with cancer (same kind as I have now myself). I took care of him, because he wanted to stay at home as everyone does, not end up in a home or hospital, and I wouldn't let that happen to him. And I got so close to him, we became sorta pals, something we never were when I was growing up. I had never discussed sports with him when I was your age, or anything else. You're already lucky.

    Nor did we discuss my being gay. I wanted to after I came out late, but I felt it would not have been the news he wanted, and smash his image of "my son the Colonel." Not when he knew he was dying. What comfort would it have given him in his last days? Or rather, was the comfort in telling him all on my side? A failing of gays is that we want to think everything is all about US, whereas it's often more about others, if we'll only make the effort to not be so self-absorbed with ourselves.

    My Father didn't appear to love me until the last moments of his life. I'm happy I had even that. He was kind & generous to me always, seldom mean (within the definitions of his generation -- SLAP!!!). Be good to your Father. This relationship is a journey, and you're only part-way through it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 08, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    He probably found out and it was his way of not yet accepting the truth.
    I agree, give him time, perhaps he'll realize your happiness is the most
    important thing he should accept.
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:58 PM GMT
    Trocks797 said
    paulflexes saidLaughing about his eldest son was probably his way of saying "I know you're gay, so come on out so I can pick on you too...I really don't give a fuck who you fuck."
    You just didn't catch the hint. icon_wink.gif



    Yeah. Same here. Plus look at it this way. Baby steps are still steps!



    ^^^ this

    coming out is a process, not an event... just keep moving the ball down the field and you will eventually get a touchdown.

    Also, stay positive! Be thankful and joyful for the progress you made, dont wallow in things that haven't happened yet. From your story, it sounds like this was a GOOD thing and while it didn't go far enough, it moved forward.
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:05 PM GMT
    I'm trying to take in everything everyone is saying. And you guys are prob right about him giving me an opening. But there is still a fear of the unknown. This guy has been my mom, dad, my coach, cheerleader, and at times worst enemy. His approval means more to me than anything else and I cant shake that feeling.

    There was a time in high school when I was so confused about sex and love. I thought I was in love with my best friend and my girlfriend. I tried to have this conversation with my dad and he told me he would rather shoot his sons then have us gay.

    I know he has come along way and I'm proud of that. I know this is a journey we're both taking. And I know this isn't completely about me but there are just some things your told as a child that are hard to get over.

    But I do thank everyone for sharing their words of wisdom and their stories. It does give me some courage and strength to continue to grow.