How much do you tell the guy you're dating about your sordid past?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 12:06 PM GMT
    A few months ago I went on a date with a girl. I was setup and felt obligated to go. Prior to that date, I haven't been on a date with a guy or girl in 5 years. I gave up dating, I'm a horrible date. I always joked that I'd love to skip the dating part and jump right into the relationship part. I'm not talking about sex, but just being with someone, loving the other person.

    Anyway... this past few weeks I've been feeling lonely, and not wanting to wake up alone in bed in the mornings (I have a king size bed). Probelm is I've done alot if shitty stuff in my past, and had a really rough time dealing with things that happened to me. I've never told anyone I dated, regardless of how long I was with them of the stuff that I've done, or went through out of fear that I'd be "too much drama" for them to handle.

    I always gloss over the bad parts, and say "I had a normal, regular childhood". I also have alot of trigger points / buttons, that get set off because of my past. Once the guy I'm with pushes it, or brings up a topic I get all defensive and then the real truth comes out, and the relationship is over. I understand my life has been full of drama, and I can't change that.

    At what point in the relationship do you start to open up about your drama-filled life? Most answers I get are 'If they love you, they'll stay and if they leave, it wasn't right".

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 12:46 PM GMT
    If I know something will trigger a negative reaction in me, I wouldn't even consider going on a date without sorting my own issues out first. Since you say that it has ruined past relationships then isn't that telling you to work on yourself rather than complicate it by coming into a new relationship then make the person aware of your negative past and have them deal with it as well? Because clearly you're not over it.
    They don't know your issues so at some point they might do something to upset you because they don't know it's a sore point to you so if you're worried about things coming up, then be proactive, show some initiative and don't wait for a problem to arise.

    But to answer your question, I'd say tell them as much as you need and want to if you think it will affect them and your relationship.

    Or get a smaller sized bed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    You're past is only full of drama if you let it. You're at fault if you choose to carry it around with you.

    Things change, and the past is a life you don't lead anymore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 2:10 PM GMT
    I'm not exactly carrying no baggage but ask yourself this question first///


    WOULD YOU DATE YOURSELF?

    If not, then fix yourself first. Remember ...Forgiveness is giving up all hope that the past will ever change. Forgive yourself and start anew. I know it sounds easy and you may need some professional help. But you can't go into a relationship with all these landmines planted ready to go off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 2:32 PM GMT
    consider this, switch to a full or twin bed, so you won;t feel like in the middle of the ocean spread out in your KING world.
    Most people are hypocrites and want to give a good impression about their lives even when they had a horrid childhood.
    Personally I would trust more a guy with a lot of baggage but is willing to leave the Past behind than the guy trying to make a good impression and living a lie.
    Most people date because they feel lonely, that sucks,
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Aug 07, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    MicroMachines saidA few months ago I went on a date with a girl. I was setup and felt obligated to go. Prior to that date, I haven't been on a date with a guy or girl in 5 years. I gave up dating, I'm a horrible date. I always joked that I'd love to skip the dating part and jump right into the relationship part. I'm not talking about sex, but just being with someone, loving the other person.

    Anyway... this past few weeks I've been feeling lonely, and not wanting to wake up alone in bed in the mornings (I have a king size bed). Probelm is I've done alot if shitty stuff in my past, and had a really rough time dealing with things that happened to me. I've never told anyone I dated, regardless of how long I was with them of the stuff that I've done, or went through out of fear that I'd be "too much drama" for them to handle.

    I always gloss over the bad parts, and say "I had a normal, regular childhood". I also have alot of trigger points / buttons, that get set off because of my past. Once the guy I'm with pushes it, or brings up a topic I get all defensive and then the real truth comes out, and the relationship is over. I understand my life has been full of drama, and I can't change that.

    At what point in the relationship do you start to open up about your drama-filled life? Most answers I get are 'If they love you, they'll stay and if they leave, it wasn't right".



    On the brighter side of life, "drama" is referred to as "life experience"

    You can choose to let burdens of the past weigh you down, or just take the lesson learned from it and shed the rest.

    If you want to tell your partner about your not-so-pretty past, both of you can look at it through a more optimistic and objective lens, like how they do it in History 101 class. A story is dramatized when you let the emotions get the better of you. So stay cool and calm. Your partner would appreciate the fact that you are being honest and man enough to open that vulnerable part of your life up ( It ain't easy ). If he reacts badly to it, lose him before he becomes yet another drama episode of your life.

    The ocean in the background of your profile pic is breath-taking. Perhaps you may want to relax your tight grip on that numbing question "Why am I still single?" and just take a look around you. Clearly life has much more to offer than just sex and relationship.

    Oh and one more thing, come along in life without any expectation and you will never be disappointed. ( This is my way of saying goodbye to my drama-filled past for good icon_smile.gif )

    Anyway, I hope you find whatever you are looking for icon_smile.gif

    P/S: To stay relevant to the subject of this thread, I did it after 4 months (aka Long enough for me to be sure he wouldn't run out on me with his hands holding both shoes and leaving behind a man-shaped hole on my door)


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 3:06 PM GMT
    It's only about today. If you have learned from the past and are living a good, honest, sincere life today -- that's what's important. Don't dwell on the past. Those that live in the past are not happy with today. Are you happy with who you are today? I think many gay people have had their sordid moments in the past (me included).
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Aug 07, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    My boyfriend didn't open up about his past right away. Even though early in the relationship he was open about most things, he would say 'I'll tell you one day" when his past came up. Now I know almost everything, almost. It isn't really much a revelation as he just tells me in natural conversation. His past is entirely different than mine....as in I can't relate whatsoever. Though none of that really matters to me. It is a part of him, but I can only try and make his present/future a more enjoyable experience.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the posts, and I am taking much needed time on working and fixing myself. Accepting the past, and learning that the past isn't going to be my future is something I need to realize. I do have support system in place which is great.
    I joined this site to meet new peple, and get motivated to get back in shape and build sef-esteem. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with how I look, would be great accomplishment for me.

    Again,
    Thanks for all the comments.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 3:56 PM GMT
    I told my partner gradually, I didn't want to scare him away! My upbringing was full of high drama and tragic farce, so I don't talk about it much. I figure that living through it was enough.

    As for my life as a gay man in a large city, I have talked about my experiences in passing, but don't dwell on them much (think "Queer As Folk" episodes).

    Unlike most people, I don't believe a couple should have to reveal everything about themselves and their pasts. "Leave sleeping dogs lie" is at times very good advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2011 5:21 PM GMT
    No one has a TRULY charmed life. Share small bits initially so your date hears the less intense issues.. use them as a way of testing him and his attitudes.. be generic about these issues and get into a dialogue about a friend who was abused or something- hear his responses... if he is matuire and compassionate in his responses.. slowly open up about more,...

    STOP thinking- are you worthy of him.. is HE worthy of you????

    All of us have issues.. Im an abuse survivor and I will prbably always carry it with me at some level.

    If he isnt willing to be compassionate- hes a wanker and an idiot and you are truly better off alone.

    And if you were hyper promiscuous.. well, most gay men are .. and forgetting right or wrong- self righteous attitudes are wrong as well.

    There are guys on here who project a stance of being saints... and its bullshit.

    If you want.. private message me and share it confidentially- very little shocks me- and maybe sharing it with some of us here means we can help you with how to appraoch it.

    Just a suggestion.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Aug 07, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    MicroMachines saidA few months ago I went on a date with a girl. I was setup and felt obligated to go. Prior to that date, I haven't been on a date with a guy or girl in 5 years. I gave up dating, I'm a horrible date. I always joked that I'd love to skip the dating part and jump right into the relationship part. I'm not talking about sex, but just being with someone, loving the other person.

    Anyway... this past few weeks I've been feeling lonely, and not wanting to wake up alone in bed in the mornings (I have a king size bed). Probelm is I've done alot if shitty stuff in my past, and had a really rough time dealing with things that happened to me. I've never told anyone I dated, regardless of how long I was with them of the stuff that I've done, or went through out of fear that I'd be "too much drama" for them to handle.

    I always gloss over the bad parts, and say "I had a normal, regular childhood". I also have alot of trigger points / buttons, that get set off because of my past. Once the guy I'm with pushes it, or brings up a topic I get all defensive and then the real truth comes out, and the relationship is over. I understand my life has been full of drama, and I can't change that.

    At what point in the relationship do you start to open up about your drama-filled life? Most answers I get are 'If they love you, they'll stay and if they leave, it wasn't right".





    I think that the thing to remember is that very few people go through their lives without at least a few things in their life -- skeletons in their closet if you will -- that they are not proud of. People make mistakes. The only real important things is that they learned from those mistakes and moved forward a better, stronger, and wiser person. I can only speak for myself, but I know that I could NEVER truly feel secure in a relationship if there were things in my past that I had not shared with my partner. True lasting love is one in which someone loves you -- warts and all.