Feelings for friend with benefit / fb

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 07, 2011 10:09 PM GMT
    When is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?

    I've been married for 8.5 yrs (to another guy). We've been pretty much open all our relationship. We don't have sex anymore (once in the past... 3 years?). I tend not to enjoy casual sex with randoms and prefer friends with benefit / fuck buddy systems more. I must sorta like the guy as a person to find them decent for bed. So I end up bedding people that in an alternate universe I would go on dates with.

    When is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?
    When is it okay to tell your partner that you have feelings for a fuck buddy?
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?

    I'm most interested in hearing personal experiences on the matter.
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    Aug 07, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    With all due respect to variety of situations people are in, yours is kinda fucked up.
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    Aug 07, 2011 10:25 PM GMT



    What was the point of being married in the first place? If you have kept an open relationship, then you shouldn't have never gotten married. Whatever the case is friends with benefits is just a cheap excuse too have sex and fuck someone's brains out with out the onset of intimacy...


    You're marriage was done a LONG TIME AGO, probably even before you were fucking someone else and had developed feelings for that person.
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    Aug 07, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    Sounds like it's time to see what state will perform a gay divorce. icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 07, 2011 11:51 PM GMT
    Thanks for the comments guys, but looking more from people with personal experience.

    I don't think a blanket statement can be made that my relationship is over just because I have feelings for someone else or I have sex with someone else. Open relationships work all the time. People develop feelings all the time. I'm interested in hearing what people have done with those feelings, and what has worked and what hasn't, and how they have gotten in the way or not of their relationship, and how they have evaluated these matters.

    I'm less looking for opinions on whether my relationship is dead or not; I can make the evaluation myself, thanks. Just looking for more wisdom, less opinion on my situation (based on a very cursory short blurb), which with all due respect is not very helpful.
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:01 AM GMT
    GuyRafael said

    I'm less looking for opinions on whether my relationship is dead or not; I can make the evaluation myself, thanks. Just looking for more wisdom, less opinion on my situation (based on a very cursory short blurb), which with all due respect is not very helpful.


    You haven't posted much on the forums, so I'll fill you in. This isn't Yahoo! Answers. You don't tailor or choose the filters for the answers you want. You submit a topic and it gets responded however the members of this board choose to do so, whether it's an opinion on the topic or if it happens to fit into what you're looking for.
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:28 AM GMT
    When is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?
    When is it okay to tell your partner that you have feelings for a fuck buddy?
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?


    Jeez, those are some heavy questions. I don't think we can have any relationship with some emotion being involved. Its fine to have feelings for your fuck buddy, and you should tell them. There is this misconception that FWB should be "just sex" but I don't think that we are capable of "just" doing anything. Emotion will creep its way in.

    As for your partner, that is a more complicated manner because you didn't really spell out how your open relationship works. Do you have clear rules about when, where you have your FWBs? That they don't enter a relationship?

    Do you want to make it work with your partner or have you resolved to leave him already?
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:30 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidWith all due respect to variety of situations people are in, yours is kinda fucked up.


    +1

    Like I don't even know where to start with that. That's all sorts of heavy.
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:35 AM GMT
    GuyRafael saidWhen is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?

    I've been married for 8.5 yrs (to another guy). We've been pretty much open all our relationship. We don't have sex anymore (once in the past... 3 years?). I tend not to enjoy casual sex with randoms and prefer friends with benefit / fuck buddy systems more. I must sorta like the guy as a person to find them decent for bed. So I end up bedding people that in an alternate universe I would go on dates with.

    When is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?
    When is it okay to tell your partner that you have feelings for a fuck buddy?
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?

    I'm most interested in hearing personal experiences on the matter.


    Question: What would you want to achieve with confessing you feelings to your FB and/or husband? The answer should probably tell you more about what you want to do.

    However, as someone in a long-term open relationship, I'd say that you should enjoy having those feelings for your FB. It isn't very often that we fall in love in life, and when it happens enjoy the feeling while it lasts. Over the years of my relationship I've had crushes and deeper feelings for other people, but it never made me doubt my love for my boyfriend or consider leaving him and we are as happy as ever. You probably know that it takes more than good sex and love to have a successful relationship, so don't make any rushed decisions.
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    Aug 08, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    adam228 said
    As for your partner, that is a more complicated manner because you didn't really spell out how your open relationship works. Do you have clear rules about when, where you have your FWBs? That they don't enter a relationship?

    Do you want to make it work with your partner or have you resolved to leave him already?


    I am sorry if I sound naive, but he said he is married, which as I undertand means "no open relationships". Which leads to answering your next two questions: there is no question of FWB, and no you to not enter into a relationship with another man when you are married. It's called getting a divorce and moving on with another man. I am sorry if I sound dumb. I have never been in a long term relationship or married before.

    God, I hope I dont fuck up my life like this!
  • tuffguyndc

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    Aug 08, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    wow buddy, that sucks. personally i would get a divorce from your partner. however, i would talk to your fb first to see if he shares your feelings.
  • barriehomeboy

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    Aug 08, 2011 2:08 AM GMT
    being gay isn't black and white, it's a scale of 1 - 10 with gay at one end and str8 at the other end. I think love is the same way. Where does it say you can't be in love with two guys at the same time? Where does it say 3 guys can't be in a loving relationship? Maybe your husband would love the fuckbuddy as much as you do, and let him move in? But I'm from Canada where all things are possible.
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    Aug 08, 2011 2:13 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidbeing gay isn't black and white, it's a scale of 1 - 10 with gay at one end and str8 at the other end. I think love is the same way.


    Not to engage in the monogamy vs. polygamy issue, but I do need to point out the fallacy in your analogy. Whereas one has absolutely no choice in who your body chooses to be sexually attracted to, whether it be men, women or both to some degree, one ABSOLUTELY has a choice to be in a committed monogamous relationship and not fuck people on the side. One involves a choice, the other doesn't.
  • danielvn

    Posts: 222

    Aug 08, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    I think you should talk to your spouse first. See if you two can still work it out. If not, then get a divorce, then confess to your fbuddy. IMO i'd rather keep my marriage safe. And I don't understand why you got married in the first place when all you wanna do is mess around and you even have a fbuddy system...
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    Aug 08, 2011 2:17 AM GMT
    Of course tell your buddy that you have feelings for him and see if they are reciprocal. The problem is your marriage. It seems as if the marriage should end before you go getting involved with another guy.
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    Aug 08, 2011 2:17 AM GMT
    GuyRafael saidHow do you know when you are done with your marriage?

    I can answer that one, at least from my own experience.

    When you look at them and you can feel it that you just aren't interested in the future anymore, when you can do it honestly not because something new and exciting is around that makes you think OMG this is so more exciting then what I'm currently in, but when you can look at your other half even in the times of complete contentment and you know they aren't for you anymore and you can't even work up the energy to try and work on it anymore.

    I'm personally of the opinion you don't develop feelings for fuck buddies and if you do develop them then you either suck it up and finish it or deal with the feelings and put them in proper perspective.
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    Aug 08, 2011 2:28 AM GMT
    The 15+ year relationship my partner and I share is an open one and yes, we have both had feelings for FBs at one time or another. We don't keep secrets, though, and we never hesitated to discuss these matters. These feelings for others have never felt threatening to our relationship, though, which we both acknowledge as a core foundation. So, for the original poster: I'd say you have to explore all facets of your relationship in determining whether it is to continue or to end. There's no reason you can't have feelings for a FB and love and honor for your husband, unless of course you feel it's time to move on, and maybe it is.

    And to the rest of you who are being critical (the "Victorian Minded"... I love that, theantijock!): Marriage/relationship can be whatever each couple wants it to be. Who are you to decide what is right for anyone other than yourself?
  • mybud

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    Aug 08, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    GuyRafael saidWhen is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?

    I've been married for 8.5 yrs (to another guy). We've been pretty much open all our relationship. We don't have sex anymore (once in the past... 3 years?). I tend not to enjoy casual sex with randoms and prefer friends with benefit / fuck buddy systems more. I must sorta like the guy as a person to find them decent for bed. So I end up bedding people that in an alternate universe I would go on dates with.

    When is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him? No....your in a relationship.
    When is it okay to tell your partner that you have feelings for a fuck buddy? No....your in a relationship.
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?When you disregard your understand with your partner...Open relationship means fun without strings.

    I'm most interested in hearing personal experiences on the matter.
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    Aug 08, 2011 3:57 AM GMT
    If you think it's just a crush, enjoy it for what it is, don't confuse it for something deeper, and be open and honest with your bf. Honesty is the key to open relationships.

    If you think it's more, unless you have a polyamorous relationship with your bf that allows for secondary emotional commitments, I think you should withdraw from the fb relationship. Either you want to break up with your bf, in which case you need to deal with that first, without running ino the arms of another man. Or you need to stop seeing him to save your primary relationship.
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    Aug 08, 2011 4:49 AM GMT
    GuyRafael said
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?


    When you've had sex with your partner once in the past 1,100 days would be my first guess.

    When you have feelings for someone else and start wondering if your marriage is done would be my second.
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    Aug 08, 2011 4:51 AM GMT
    oof, feelings are complicated... Can you not tell your husband the lack of sex is influencing how you feel about the relationship??
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    Aug 08, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    GuyRafael said
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?


    When you've had sex with your partner once in the past 1,100 days would be my first guess.

    When you have feelings for someone else and start wondering if your marriage is done would be my second.


    Thank you for restating this. Seems like some of the responses either didn't read this part, or willfully ignored it. It seems to me absurd to be confined to answering questions about fk buddies like it's happening in a vacuum. Everything has to be taken into consideration if he wants an honest answer.
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    Aug 08, 2011 5:17 AM GMT
    bhp91126 said
    GuyRafael saidWhen is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?

    I've been married for 8.5 yrs (to another guy). We've been pretty much open all our relationship. We don't have sex anymore (once in the past... 3 years?). I tend not to enjoy casual sex with randoms and prefer friends with benefit / fuck buddy systems more. I must sorta like the guy as a person to find them decent for bed. So I end up bedding people that in an alternate universe I would go on dates with.

    When is it okay to tell a fuck buddy that you have feelings for him?
    When is it okay to tell your partner that you have feelings for a fuck buddy?
    How do you know when you are done with your marriage?

    I'm most interested in hearing personal experiences on the matter.


    Question: What would you want to achieve with confessing you feelings to your FB and/or husband? The answer should probably tell you more about what you want to do.

    However, as someone in a long-term open relationship, I'd say that you should enjoy having those feelings for your FB. It isn't very often that we fall in love in life, and when it happens enjoy the feeling while it lasts. Over the years of my relationship I've had crushes and deeper feelings for other people, but it never made me doubt my love for my boyfriend or consider leaving him and we are as happy as ever. You probably know that it takes more than good sex and love to have a successful relationship, so don't make any rushed decisions.


    Most mature, respectful, generous response. Note 2 self: if I ever get into this type of complex situation (knock wood, I won't) do NOT bring it 2 the RJ forums.
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Aug 08, 2011 6:31 AM GMT
    First off I would like to congratulate u on being married...yay!
    Second...y would u not being having sex with your partner icon_sad.gif
    Third, I did tell a fwb that I had feelings for him...MAJOR MISTAKE...ended up badly and I still regret it T-T
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    Aug 08, 2011 6:51 AM GMT
    Advaya said

    I am sorry if I sound naive, but he said he is married, which as I undertand means "no open relationships". Which leads to answering your next two questions: there is no question of FWB, and no you to not enter into a relationship with another man when you are married. It's called getting a divorce and moving on with another man. I am sorry if I sound dumb. I have never been in a long term relationship or married before.

    God, I hope I dont fuck up my life like this!


    GuyRafael said" We've been pretty much open all our relationship"


    3415_the-more-that-you-read.gif

    I don't think its fucked up. It's not conventional, but its not that crazy either. I think he is at a crossroads and needs to make decisions. Why do people think that these moments are supposed to come from a hypothetical situation? We don't sit around thinking we need to go into therapy just in case the marriage isn't working. You feel something is wrong and maybe made some wrong decisions along the way. The point is these moments are born out of real problems and real conflict. He can still do a lot to salvage his marriage, or chose to move on.